Alex Jones

Alex Jones Turns to Scientology for Help After Suffering a Massive Engram Following a Jury Award of $49.3 Million in Total Libel Damages

Alex Jones in a state of shock caused by a massive engram

“Alex Jones’ Reactive Mind incurred a massive and staggering engram after a jury ruled that the Infowars Truther must pay a total of $49.3 million in compensatory and punitive damages,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

Jones, 48, was rushed by Sea Org members from a Texas courtroom to Scientology’s Engram Trauma Emergency Center located in Hollywood at the Celebrity Centre.

“Jones was immediately given a series of high-megadose Niacin enemas to purge his system of toxins. A digital evaluation was next performed in which it was discovered that Jones’ sphincter had tightened to 4,000% over normal sphincter pressure,” Delusion commented. “Scientology needs to immediately reduce Jones’ extreme ass pressure by using a series of relaxing unguents and microdoses of psilocybin. We don’t want him to blow the O ring.”

“Alex Jones is also being intensively audited on his wholetrack criminal history in which he has admitted to committing millions and millions of various crimes.”

“Scientology can help Alex Jones,” Delusion affirmed. “But he has to commit to, and remain on, our five-year program.”

2 replies »

  1. Of course Scientology can help Alex Jones, just as it can help any Thetan is search of Truth on the back porch of eternity. Alex, even with his extensive history of Whole Track crimes, can reach the state of Clear. But, just as a cleared cannibal is still a cannibal, a cleared asshole is still an asshole. If he makes the appropriate IAS donations he is a prime candidate for next year’s Freedom Metal that will be awarded by COB himself.


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