Category Archives: OTVIIIisGrrr8!

Real Scientologists Demand Cash Auditing Subsidies from the US Government

“Social welfare programs that give billions of dollars to poor people are bigoted and hateful because they discriminate against Scientologists,” declared the new STAND League Executive Director Mr. Ken Delusion.

“For too long Scientologists have carried the financially ruinous burden of auditing day and night to Clear this goddamned Planet,” said Delusion. “Well now it’s time for the US taxpayer to repay the debt they owe us by giving all Scientologists a 75% auditing subsidy in the form of cash payments to the Church of Scientology!”

“It’s a matter of fundamental fairness,” Delusion reasoned. “Scientologists hold the cans in long and grinding auditing sessions until their hands literally bleed; this in an effort to break the hold of the deadly R6 bank over every man, woman, and child on this agonized planet. We don’t need your thanks; but we do demand compensation for the Herculean spiritual labors we undertake on your behalf.”

Scientology’s Los Angeles Interfaith Coalition Hosts an Event

Concerned members of Scientology’s Interfaith Coalition listen to Ed Parkin drone on interminably about how unfair life is to Scientology.

Scientology’s Ed Parkin droned on at length today to a group of equally dimwitted and boorish rented clergymen who were paid to listen.

“Wog clergyman are easy to dupe,” chuckled Parkin. “If we keep paying them money they’ll all go out and parrot what we in Scientology are saying about bigots and haters.”

“Ed Parkin is such an embarrassing jackass,” nattered Ken Delusion about the ghastly wraith-like leader of the STAND League. “However, we in OSA have to scrape the bottom of the barrel these days. He’s the best we have.”

The Intellectual Bandwidth of Scientologist Marisol Nichols

Scientologist Katherine Fraser Uses OT Force Field to Stop Wog Journo Tara Brown of 60 Minutes Australia


Scientologist Katherine Fraser reaches out her hands and projects a special OT Force Field to fend off Wog Journo Tara Brown

We in RTC were shocked — shocked we say — when wog journo Tara Brown of 60 Minutes Australia recently showed up unannounced at Gold Base! Worse, she had journo Tony Ortega chauffeuring her around all over the place. The two even went to our super-secret CST Twin Peaks Base because why? Shelly is not there. Shelly is on a special very long-term assignment elsewhere.

Ms. Brown and her camera crew acted like they had a right to ask where Shelly Miscavige is. This is not reporting. This is an attack upon the Scientology religion. And that’s why we had our lawyers send threat letters before we even knew what Brown’s story was about. But what we know for certain is that anyone who investigates Scientology is a criminal employed by Big Pharma! That’s all we need to know.

Gold Base Port Captain Katherine Frasier met the Psych journo Tara Brown at the gates of Gold Base. Dauntless, Defiant, and Resolute, Port Captain Fraser was there to confront and shatter suppression:


Super OT & Gold Base Port Captain Katherine Fraser

Katherine’s thetan powered up to 5000 million light-year kilotons per microsecond of power. Katherine then raised her hands and projected the intention beams at Brown whereupon the Australian journo fled.


The Scientology Thetan can generate millions of light-year kilotons per microsecond of power.

The lesson to be learned: Suppression can be confronted and shattered. This is why COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Scientologists to redo the PTS/SP immediately as in begin the course right now this very second. Now, now, now!


Scientology Leader David Miscavige Purchases the Preserved Head of 19th Century Killer Diogo Alves

Scientology ecclesiastical leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with the preserved head of 19th century serial killer Diogo Alves on his desk.

Executed in 1841 for a decade-long crime spree which included pushing seventy people to their deaths from the heights of the Aqueduto das Águas Livres (Aqueduct of the Free Waters), the severed head of Diogo Alves was preserved in a vat of formaldehyde. This was done so that scientists could study the brain of a criminal.

“The head of Diogo Alves was sold in a private transaction by the University of Lisbon’s Faculty of Medicine,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “Mr. Miscavige wanted to acquire the head for the Church of Scientology. The head is a reminder of Mr. Hubbard’s policy:

‘When things are bad (Bad Indicators heavily visible) putting a body on the gallows is very salutary. We call it “Putting a head on a pike”. Too many BAD Indicators and too goofed up a situation and we must put a head on a pike. Then things simmer down and we can begin to get tech in…

‘When there are lots of bad indicators about — low and falling statistics, goofed cases, we get very handy with our Interrogatories and put the place very nearly under martial law – we call this a State of Emergency.

‘Once Emergency is declared, you usually have to put a head or two on a pike to convince people that you mean it. After that necessity level rises and the place straightens up…

BAD TECH – When results just don’t happen in the Academy, HGC or Review one or another, look for the Potential Trouble Sources and Suppressives. Only they can keep tech out. Put a big head on a pike and then begin to interrogate every slip in the place. Suddenly Tech is in again.’ — HCO POLICY LETTER OF 16 MAY 1965 Issue II, INDICATORS OF ORGS

“Like Mr. Hubbard, Mr. Miscavige also feels that putting a head on a pike is salutary and serves as a warning to Staff and Publics alike to step up their production and contributions to the Church of Scientology.”

The Great Global Flood Is Coming! Only the Scientology Ark Can Save You!


The forces of Psychiatric Suppression have conspired to create global warming. The oceans are rising and a great global flood will soon destroy everyone.

Everyone that is except those aboard the Scientology Ark!

Berthing is limited to 1,000 First Class cabins. $100,000,000 each.

Only the able need apply.

Please telex to the Scientology Ark Services Office (SASO) in Belgrade for details.

Scientology Interfaith Event Speaker Contract and Release

I________________________________ hereby covenant and contract with the Church of Scientology International (the Church) to be a speaker at the Church’s Interfaith Event to be held at ___________________________ on the date of __________________.

In exchange for the valuable consideration of the enormous personal prestige and valuable reputational benefits that will accrue to me as a designated Scientology Interfaith speaker, I agree to the following terms and conditions:

A. Honorarium: I understand that my honorarium will be $25,000 per event if I am not  well known outside of my denominational circle. However, if I am a published religious scholar in the field of New Religious Movements my pay will $50,000 per event, or more, depending upon how valiantly I defend Scientology. If I am a national leader working at a top university my honorarium will be $100,000 or more per event.

B. Acquisition of Purloined Letterhead: I agree to procure twelve (12) sheets of original letterhead paper from my organization and provide it to the Church. I further agree that the Church will have no knowledge of how I came to possess this letterhead. No questions will be asked.

C. Furnishing of Letterhead to Designated Terminals: I will furnish the aforementioned purloined letterhead paper to a designated representative (terminal) of the Church’s Office of Special Affairs (OSA). I will do this under the cover of darkness in a back alley. The location is to be selected by OSA. I will wait at a predesignated street corner for a phone call telling me where to deliver the letterhead in a sealed envelope hidden inside a locked briefcase. I will conceal my identity by wearing a hat and a fake mustache. If I have a mustache, I will wear a fake mustache over my real mustache.

D. The Use of My Name: I freely give my consent to OSA to write anything it wants and needs on my organization’s letterhead, to sign my name to it, and to place it in the Church’s websites and publications without limitation.

E. Silence in the Event of Being Exposed: I acknowledge that if my OSA-created letters are exposed in the media that I will remain silent and make no comments until I have been counseled by wog lawyers representing the Church.

F. Forgery Denial/Assertion of Religious Bigotry: All parties to this contract agree that “forgery” is an ugly word and will never be used. I agree that any narrative OSA creates using my name on my institution’s letterhead, no matter how seemingly wild, lunatic, paranoid, or baseless said narrative is perceived to be, will never be deemed a forgery. Rather, all criticisms of an OSA-created narrative to which my name has been signed will be characterized as an attack upon both myself and the Church made by haters and anti-religious bigots.

G. Hold Harmless Agreement: I agree to the hold the Church, OSA, and its agents and assigns harmless from any and all reputational and financial damage that I may incur as a result of false, inflammatory, or completely insane letters created in my name by OSA.

H. General Release: I hereby release the Church from any reputational and financial damage I may suffer as a consequence of my participation in an Interfaith event. My release extends from the beginning of time four quadrillion years ago until this universe collapses by means presently unknown but will likely occur as the result of a massive Marcab attack launched from a parallel universe.

I. Statements by Staff Members: The Church, its board and its management take no responsibility for statements or claims made by staff members regarding the success or failure of Interfaith events conducted by the Church, particularly by the strange, hollow, and mentally unhinged being known as “Ed Parkin” aka “Pwnd by Mr. Peanut.” Any promises of “fame” or “fabulous new comm lines” made to me as an inducement to speak at a Scientology Interfaith event are not authorized and will not be honored by the Church, its board of directors or management.

J. Non-Disparagement: I agree never to disparage in any way, whether by word, deed, or secret thoughts, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige or Tom Cruise. I agree not to snicker, chortle, laugh, or stare at David Miscavige’s oddly confected ecclesiastical pompadour.

K. No Toilet Paper Provided: I understand that all Scientology Orgs on this miserable prison planet never have any toilet paper. I agree to furnish my own toilet paper at Interfaith events.

L. Binding Arbitration: I agree that if any legal hullabaloo arises from my OSA-created  letters that any disputes will be subject to binding arbitration conducted by the Scientology International Justice Chief. All proceedings will be held at the Scientology Dianetics Center in Karachi, Pakistan. I agree to pay for my personal security needs in Pakistan from my own funds. I further agree that the Church cannot even remotely guarantee my survival in Pakistan.

Signed this _____ day of  20______________