Tag Archives: Religious Technology Center

Confidential: David Miscavige Popularity Plunge! Crisis in Scientology!

WTF! According to Psych-infested Facebook, the COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige news page only has 190 followers! How can this be given the fact that the Church of Scientology has 12,000,000 members and is the fastest growing religion in the world?

Worse, the internet is now joking & degrading about this! This bigotry is an outrage! We in Scientology are the most ethical group on the planet and shouldn’t have to put up with such blatant japery as this on Twitter:

DM.FB.News.Page

Dead Cult leader David Koresh has 5x more likes than COB!

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We in RTC hereby decree that all 12,000,000 Scientologists are to give COB likes on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Encyclopedia Britannica, the

Church of Scientology Leader David Miscavige Made the Butt of Jokes!

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige was called the “big cheese” by the unfunny joker & degrader Conan O’Brien. Scientologists — both real and Stock Photo Scientologists — have protested to Conan O’Brien:

The Conan O’Brien Show
Burbank, CA 90068

Dear Mr. O’Brien,

I read the press today about your recent show with Leah Remini…Having watched the segment, I was especially disappointed by some of the gratuitous comments you made in interviewing Ms. Remini, notably a snarky reference to the Church’s leader as “the big cheese,” and questioning Ms. Remini on why the Church “is not suing” her… I found it personally offensive and I was embarrassed for you.

Thank you.

Catriona McKenzie
Ontario, Calif.

First, COB is neither big nor is he a cheese. COB is 5’1″(129.5 cm) and is made of substance that, while having the consistency of a warm and lumpy melted cheese on a hot summer day, smells far worse and is often found on the bottom of shoes.

Second, Catriona McKenzie is a stock photo Scientologist, i.e. she is not real and is rather a completely fake Scientologist used by STAND. But that’s not the point. The point is this: If Catriona McKenzie were a real Scientologist she would be outraged!

Third, we in the Church of Scientology have not sued Leah Remini because that would risk Mr. Miscavige being deposed in what would surely become a fishing trip into what critics have unfairly characterized as his “criminality, lies, perjury, and violence.” Simply put, Mr. Miscavige could never get a fair hearing in a wog court where savagely beating one’s acussers is not allowed as we understand the matter.

COB has been lampooned and parodied by many suppressive persons. Unfortunately, even in this age of cheap and unlimited bandwidth, bandwidth limitations prevent us from naming and shaming these millions of people who have chortled at COB and alleged that he is both a clownish incompetent buffoon and a violent self-aggrandizing narcissist.

Scientology is a Workable Technology.

COB RTC David Miscavige visits the President and First Lady at Trump Tower

“David Miscavige dropped by Trump Tower the other day,” said the President. “He had yuge concerns, very yuge concerns he told me, about Scientology being a persecuted minority religion. David wanted some special laws passed about putting SP’s in prison and having them beaten by the guards. Not gonna happen I said. Little David started getting very animated folks. He was waving his arms around, stamping his feet, and cussing up a storm. Folks let me say this: I don’t like profanity in my house or at the White House. I actually had to have the Secret Service make David sit down on the sofa and cool down.

“I then called in my Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and folks Jeff Sessions is a great guy, just great. And I had Jeff Session explain, in real simple terms, what freedom of speech is to little David. It was a waste of time. David said he  didn’t understand and demanded that the US repeal the First Amendment. Jeff Sessions said that would hurt Scientology. David then demanded that the First Amendment be modified so that religions were protected while freedom of speech was outlawed.

“I got a little hot under the collar and said, ‘David ya’ gotta stop with this crazy talk and just learn to take the heat! I got people screaming for my head everyday and I just ignore it! I let Sean Spicer or Kellyanne take care of it. What do I care? I got a country to run!’ David sat there and pouted. Folks, I had to finally tell him that he gets his feelings hurt too easily. What I didn’t tell him was that if he had been on The Apprentice I would’ve fired him at the end of the first show of the new season. Folks, this guy Miscavige has too much time and money on his hands and has no one to tell him to knock it off when he gets crazy. I got Melania, Kellyanne, Mike Pence, Mad Dog Mattis  and a lot of other good tough people. Little David could use some good tough advisers. But what does he do? He surrounds himself with all those bootlickers and toadies!

“But just to show there were no hard feelings towards Scientology from my Administration, Melania and I gifted David with a very nice, very plush, and very expensive stuffed lion to show we’re fine with Scientology and all of the other whacko UFO alien cults in America. And let me tell you little David was ecstatic. He was really happy folks.

“David was also a very thirsty little guy, very thirsty, and he drank all the scotch in my penthouse. Really thirsty little guy. But then he sent over a case of Macallan so he keeps his exchange in folks. And that’s more than I can say for the Democrats who take and take and take and won’t even approve the rest of my cabinet.”

The Diagnosis

Drunk Surgeon

“What is your diagnosis Doctor?” queried Ken Delusion, “Has David Miscavige’s angry penis infection cleared up?”

“No it has not,” replied Scientology Dr. Donald Wildebeest “And yet I’ve repeatedly warned COB that his angry penis would continue to get infected if he persisted in wantonly sodomizing Scientology parishioners.”

“COB cannot leave Scientology’s parishioners alone. I personally wonder why they lay down and take it from COB,” Delusion remarked. “Worse, the regges are copying COB’s behavior and now the spread of Scientology Transmitted Bankruptcies (STB’s) in the Church is rampant! Why doctor, why!? Why do they take it?”

“They lay down and take it,” declared Dr. Wildebeest, “because being ecclesiastically sodomized is part of the Scientology religion. So are Scientology hate websites and Scientology bigotry against wogs. And lest we forget, it is only by doing such despicable but necessary things that Scientology will bring about a world without war, crime, or insanity.”

The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience!

So many Scientologists wish they had served with the Founder aboard the Flagship Apollo. One of the most celebrated ecclesiastical ceremonies aboard the Apollo was to be overboarded, i.e. seized and thrown over the side of the ship in stark terror for your transgressions. Well now you can have this experience at Flag Land Base.

overboarding
The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience begins when you’re suddenly and unexpectedly approached by three burly Sea Org Ethics Officers. These ruthless toughs seize you bodily and mercilessly toss you overboard as they curse you in the most obscene and profane ways for being out ethics on all dynamics. It’s a 60 foot (20 meter) vertical drop into a large and very deep saltwater tank whose swirling and freezing waters will challenge you to breathe as you fight for your very life! $3250 donation. If you’re a weakling and actually need to be rescued there will be an additional $7500 donation assessed against your monies on account. Waivers must be signed holding FSO harmless from all injuries up to and including death.

overboarding-1

“This can’t be happening to me at the happiest place on Earth!” you’ll be thinking as you suddenly realize you’re actually drowning in real life while experiencing the terrifying onset of hypothermia in the freezing and turbulent waters. As the stinging and freezing saltwater sears your lungs and you fade in and out consciousness, you realize that without the Sea Org rescue team you will be dead in a few minutes. As your life hangs in the balance, the Sea Org rescue team informs you that you must up your IAS status and donate $40,000 to TWTH global salvage campaigns as a condition of being rescued. Otherwise, so what? Go pick up a new body.

overboarding-3

Should you succumb, please be assured that we in RTC and all other Scientologists in good standing will blame you for pulling it in. Your body will placed into a weighted burlap sack. Your remains will then be transported out into the Gulf of Mexico in the dark of night on a skiff by Cuban fisherman. There, you will dumped into the murky depths and any memory of you will be immediately and forever forgotten in the eternal and golden travertine halls of FLB.

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Journal of Religious Cosmetic Procedures

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