The “David Miscavige for President in 2020” movement received additional impetus today from the millions of Detroiters who were honored that Mr. Miscavige opened a badly-needed Scientology Ideal Org in their community.
“Detroit can finally get Scientology auditing,” said resident Mac McDooley. “Things are really going to change for the better in Detroit. All the endemic crime, violence, and poverty will end now that Scientology is here!”
“Scientology leader Generalissimo David Miscavige has placed his name before the US Senate as a wild-card-last-minute nominee to be next Justice to the Supreme Court,” said Scientology VP of Public Affairs Mr. Dag Diego.
“We in Scientology have collected an incredible amount of, ahh, certain… highly revealing information… on every US Senator.
“It would be very unfortunate if there was a massive release of this information online before Mr. Miscavige was voted on to be the next Supreme Court Justice.
Generalissimo David Miscavige
Generalissimo David Miscavige of the Scientology Imperial War Department has declared war on Colombia.
“Generalissimo Miscavige was publicly humiliated by the Colombian people! And many have called his award a Medalla Falsa,” announced Scientology Minister of Disinformation Colonel Ken Delusion.
“The outrageous mocking of Generalissimo Miscavige will not be tolerated! Scientology has already sent its spy ship the MV Freewinds to Cartagena to scout the harbor and lay out plans for the larger invasion of Colombia by Scientology’s military forces.”
Complaining that there was not enough gold ornamentation on his stage set and that the video lacked color saturation, David Miscavige today fired everyone who worked for Scientology TV.
“COB is very demanding,” explained Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “He wants more gold and more color. He wants his stage set to look like the Ark of the Covenant and dazzle the viewer. Scientology TV didn’t deliver and so everyone was fired, beaten, and assigned the condition of Non-Existence.”
The latest technical research at Flag indicates that Scientologists are too overcharged to handle David Miscavige engrams in session. In 90% of cases, the e-meter blew up.
The correct handling is to gradiently audit smaller engrams such as
IAS fundraising cycles.
If IAS fundraising is too hot, then begin with Ideal Org ARC breaks.
If Ideal Orgs are also overcharged, then have pc touch the wall for a few thousand hours.
“After two years of work at a cost of $90 million USD, the MV Freewinds has been successfully lengthened to 402 meters (1,319 feet),” announced Captain Mike Napoleon.
“The ship will now be able to accommodate the more than 100,000 Scientologists expected to be granted eligibility for OT VIII in the next twelve months. This boom is a result of COB having created Scientology TV.”