Tag Archives: David Miscavige

Flag C/S: Handling David Miscavige Engrams

The latest technical research at Flag indicates that Scientologists are too overcharged to handle David Miscavige engrams in session. In 90% of cases, the e-meter blew up.

The correct handling is to gradiently audit smaller engrams such as IAS fundraising cycles.

If IAS fundraising is too hot, then begin with Ideal Org ARC breaks.

If Ideal Orgs are also overcharged, then have pc touch the wall for a few thousand hours.

Freewinds Lengthened to Accommodate the Enormous Demand for Scientology

“After two years of work at a cost of $90 million USD, the MV Freewinds has been successfully lengthened to 402 meters (1,319 feet),” announced Captain Mike Napoleon.

“The ship will now be able to accommodate the more than 100,000 Scientologists expected to be granted eligibility for OT VIII in the next twelve months. This boom is a result of COB having created Scientology TV.”

Scientology Leader David Miscavige Comments on Tom Cruise’s New Movie Mission Impossible Fallout

“How does this glorified stuntman Tom Cruise get such monster stats for his stupid new movie?” asked David Miscavige. “Look at these stats! The opening weekend of Mission Impossible — Fallout is on track to rake in $135,000,000 globally!

“Christ on an e-meter!” screamed Miscavige, “I spent $100,000,000 and four years building an entire Scientology TV network and only have 26,943 suckass followers on Twitter after four months to show for all my work! What the hell is wrong? Who is sabotaging Scientology? Who is the who?”

“Sir,” said Ken Delusion, “Our RTC investigation has shown that the culprits behind Scientology’s suckass ratings are Scientologists themselves. These CICS DB’s are all counter-intentioned to you! Scientologists themselves are the criminals! You singlehandedly built these ingrates a television network and yet these SP’s can’t even be bothered to watch it because they’re too busy watching the new Mission Impossible!”

“Then declare everyone in the entire Church of Scientology an SP except for you and me!” COB ordered Delusion.

“Even Tom Cruise?”

“Especially Tom Cruise! Declare him an SP first! Cruise has committed the biggest crime ever and that is daring to upstage me with his oh-so-fancy new movie! Cruise didn’t even offer me a part or shoot a few scenes at Ideal Orgs! Tom Cruise treats me like chopped liver!” screamed COB.

“All Tom Cruise cares about these days is entertaining wogs, going on talk shows, and making money! And after all I’ve done to make him the movie star he is! Where is the thanks I get? Where?”

David Miscavige Wardrobe Malfunction Leads to a Morals Charge; Big Pharma Behind the Plot!


“It’s not what it looks like,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Brigadier General was merely helping COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with a wardrobe malfunction.”

“That this was escalated into a morals charge of public lewdness and the arrest of both men by the authorities in Barbados is a disgrace!” roared Delusion.

“Big Pharma was clearly behind this attempt to embarrass the world’s greatest ecclesiastical leader as he was being awarded the Velveeta Cheese Company’s Medal for Ease of Spreadability in the religious products sold by we in Scientology.”


David Miscavige Master Class Announced on Facebook

Have you ever wanted to be wealthy, violent, and insane cult leader? Well now the Pompadoured Pontiff David Miscavige teaches you all of his secrets in a new Master Class series. Here’s just a few of the secrets in David Miscavige’s Master Class:

* How easy it is to control Tom Cruise and other deluded celebrities
* How to purge everyone who threatens you
* The Whys and Wherefores of taking all the money for yourself
* Beating your subordinates for face crimes
* How to hide behind wog lawyers
* Locking up your wife made easy

Scientology Butthurt Cream: For Pain Levels of 2.0 or Greater!

Scientology Butthurt Cream is indicated for butthurt pain levels of 2.0 or greater. What are some examples of when a Scientologist needs to use Scientology Butthurt Cream? Below are three scenarios:

Scenario 1: Your new mobster movie just scored 0 on Rotten Tomatoes and you’re the laughingstock of Hollywood. That’s some serious butthurt pal! And it has a pain level of 2.0 or higher! What to do? Bend over and have your 2D apply Scientology Butthurt Cream liberally to soothe the burning and irritation.

Scenario 2: You’re a global ecclesiastical leader and the internet makes fun of your empty Ideal Orgs. This really chaps your ass! What to do? Bend over and have your COB Assistant apply Scientology Butthurt Cream liberally to soothe the burning and irritation caused by criminal joking & degrading.

Scenario 3: You’re the Executive Director of Scientology Moscow and the Org has just been raided again. This is big time butthurt for you and your entire staff. Time to break out the Ideal Org Emergency Scientology Butthurt Staff Pack! The staff pack can treat up to 120 butthurt staff. Apply by twinning.

Scientology Uber Driver Issues Tone 40 Commands

The trained Scientologist never Q&A’s with the reactive mind of a wog. Here we see GAT II trained Scientologist and OTVII Ted Malinowski repeating the command to a stupid wog. In doing so, Ted goes into the winning valence of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige.