Scientology Media Productions Collapses; Rushed to Intensive Care Unit

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Scientology Media Productions collapsed today on a sidewalk and was rushed to the Hollywood Religious Hospital by paramedics. “SMP’s prognosis is grim,” said staff specialist Dr. Metah Bolic. “My colleagues report that SMP suffered a catastrophic rupture of its credibility given the fact that it has produced no product for over a year since its grand opening.”

“Hollywood insiders have long suspected that SMP was just another Scientology scam,” remarked Dr. Bolic who specializes in Fraudology at the Hollywood Religious Hospital. “And today’s tests seem to confirm it. Fraud is blocking SMP’s coronary arteries. SMP is basically in a vegetative state, wearing a diaper, and on life support.”

“OT’s have been at the hospital’s Intensive Care Unit all day yelling ‘come back into that body!‘ commands at SMP,” Dr. Metah Bolic stated. “But so far no luck. It appears that the thetan of SMP has left the body and only the genetic entity remains. The Church of Scientology will soon need to consider pulling the plug on SMP and ending this useless, tragic, and expensive farce.”

Church of Scientology to Install Toilet Paper Dispensers in Ideal Orgs

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In response to a recent survey of Scientology parishioners, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Ideal Orgs to install for-pay toilet paper dispensers. This will allow Scientologists to purchase either coarse of fine grade sheets of toilet paper.

“For the Church of Scientology to just give toilet paper away for free would be completely out exchange,” explained Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Bowel Movementology.  “And so COB decided to offer coarse and fine grades of toilet paper. The fine grade toilet paper is “highly deluxe movie star grade toilet paper” and obviously costs a small fortune. This is the stuff Tom Cruise uses.”

“The coarse grade stuff is an economy tissue we purchase from Bulgravia. Made from recycled asphalt dyed white, it is rough but much cheaper. It is perfect for downstat Scientologists who lack the wherewithal and reach to afford the fine toilet paper.”

Reverend Bob Tilton Handles Scientology & Pulls Marty Rathbun’s Withhold

Hey young people! Here’s a groovy free CD offer from your friends at the Church of Scientology!

Hey young people! Here’s a groovy free CD offer from your friends at Scientology. We’re the coolest religion on Earth! Just fill out the card and mail it in or drop by your nearest Org. If you come to an Org don’t tell your parents or anyone else where you’re going because they’re SP’s and wouldn’t understand. Only we understand. We’re your friends and you can even meet Tom Cruise. Far out!

RJ.67

Scientology Adopts the Flat Earth Cosmology

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Public Notice: The Church of Scientology has officially adopted a Flat Earth cosmology after finding lost tech written by the Founder. Scientologists have never believed in the lies of science and now have even more reasons to not believe the lies. Commander Marty Rathbun will be delivering a lecture exposing the Anti-Flat Earth Cult (AFEC) next week at Flag. Commander Rathbun was there. The so-called round earth is false. Never happened. It’s an invented narrative created to siphon off hundreds of trillions of tax dollars to the Psychs at NASA so they can fund the CIA, Interpol, SMERSH, Starbucks, and other front groups that have been trying to destroy Scientology since thetans mocked up the Earth 8,000 years ago and then lit the Sun using a butane torch.

New Scientology Tower Looms Above Hollywood!

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“Due to the enormous popularity of Scientology’s ‘Big Blue’ complex in Hollywood, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered the addition of 24 extra stories to the landmark edifice,” announced spokesman Ken Delusion. “COB is creating the new ‘Scientology Tower’ so that Scientology looms high above Hollywood and casts a shadow upon this town.”

“Thousands of people flock to Big Blue each day to have their picture taken in front of the landmark ‘Scientology’ sign. Big Blue has also been featured in many films, articles, and books about Scientology.”

“With eleventy billion members, Scientology is more popular than ever and is the fastest growing religion in the world,”  Delusion added.

Church of Scientology to Open 1000 McDonald’s Franchises

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“In a desperate and clutching last-ditch attempt to recruit new members, the Church of Scientology today announced that it would be opening 1,000 McDonald’s franchises in key cities across the world,” announced Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The new recruitment program is called ‘Ideal McScientology’ and will replace the colossally failed Ideal Org program. Each Ideal McScientology restaurant will feature signage in which the Scientology and McDonald’s names and logos will be co-branded in a bold and exciting new fusion of fast food and religion.”

“The McScientology restaurants will offer the same menu as offered by standard McDonald’s but will also sell 12.5 hour intensives of auditing along with introductory courses in the “TR’s & Locationals Area” of the restaurants.

“What McDonald’s is to food,” said spokesman Ken Delusion, “Scientology is to religion. So come by today and ‘Theta-size’ your Big Mac combo meal with a 12.5 hour intensive of GAT II auditing or even a basic Comm course!”