Following the unprecedented success of Guhlaxy Press selling 50,000,000 copies Battlefield Earth at Comic-Con 2016, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige is having Bridge Publications rush into production a 100,000,000 piece print run of Dianetics in comic book form. It’s “back to pulp” as it were.
Entitled Dianetics: Modern Science of Mental Health for Homo Saps, this edition of Dianetics with its irreverent, snarky, and outrageous new subtitle is sure to appeal to young people because, with the few exceptions of embarrassing morons like Joy Villa, we in Scientology are not connecting with young people these days.
“This latest Philboard wouldn’t have happened had the tough new ‘Scientology Pre-Crime Thought Law’ been in place,” explained Ken Delusion, VP of Media Relations for Scientology Media Productions of the Eastern United States Continent (which continent does not include Canada; Canada being a part of the Continent of New York).
“Under the new Scientology Pre-Crime Thought Law in Florida, it is a serious crime to have negative thoughts about Scientology, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige, Tom Cruise, Disconnection, etc.
“As a sovereign nation of thetans,” Delusion noted, “we as Scientologists must work to enact and enforce laws that prevent the corrosive exposure of our workable technologies, enthusiastically brutal fundraising, and the overall life of indentured servitude that we palm off on Scientologists as being states of Clear and OT.
“In happier news,” Delusion added, “Flag’s acclaimed R6 Bistro is now serving an ‘all you can eat’ buffet on Friday night graduations. Featuring meatloaf, cheeseburgers, pizza, macaroni and cheese, fried taters, OT pudding, and yes, Flag’s famous palmetto bug jello salad, the all you can eat buffet is a carb-laden feast designed to keep you sessionable and gaseous.”
Turkey’s wog President Recep Tayyip Erdogan today publicly thanked the Fleet Admiral David Miscavige and his elite RTC Thetan Team 6 commandos for crushing the attempted coup against Erdogan’s government.
Said Scientology Vice Admiral Ken Delusion, “Using the principles embodied in the PTS/SP course, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige confronted and shattered the SP’s at the Ataturk airport and the Bosphorus bridges in Istanbul. He used his extreme OT powers to cause the rebels to lay down their weapons and surrender.”
Added Delusion, “President Erdogan will be awarding Fleet Admiral David Miscavige the Order of State of Republic of Turkey (Türkiye Cumhuriyeti Devlet Nişanı) in a special ceremony on Sunday in a ceremony to be broadcast live by Scientology Media Productions.”
“The Mooslims in Turkey are praising Fleet Admiral Miscavige and Scientology,” Delusion noted. “Moreover, Fleet Admiral Miscavige has already identified the hidden Turkish Psychiatric cabal behind this attempted coup.”
CIA Director John O. Brennan today announced that the agency had discovered Scientology’s secret underground alien base at an undisclosed location.
“The Church of Scientology has been working with aliens since the 1950’s,” Director Brennan told the press. “These aliens need the DNA of Scientology OT’s in order to exist.”
“It seems,” the Director noted, “that even aliens have Reactive Minds and a NOT’s case. However, as aliens can’t metab on any known Earth e-meter, they can only get case gain by drinking pulped OT’s in a sort of smoothie drink.”
“In exchange for the OT’s provided by David Miscavige, the CIA has learned that the aliens give Mr. Miscavige gold bars from the mines they operate near the Mars Between Lives Implanting Station #811.”
“Not to be cynical, but we can now see why Mr. Miscavige — the man who leads a Church with 12,000,000 members — has been pushing ‘10,000 on Solo NOT’s’ for decades without this ever actually happening.”
“We in the Church of Scientology have opened up a hotline for declared SP’s to call if they feel harassed by anti-Scientologists,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Even though we totally ruined these people’s lives by declaring them SP’s, we don’t want to see them get their feelings get hurt on the internet by anti-Scientologists. That is how much we care.”
“Even for declared SP’s who have been viciously Fair Gamed by OSA, disconnected from their families, spied on, and harassed, these anti-Scientologists can be far worse! The fact is that these anti-Scientologists comprise a very dangerous cult that slavishly follows wild-eyed wog ideas such as Free Speech, heated debate in which barbed epithets are hurled, logic, reason, evidence, speculation, and breaking news — all things we in the Church of Scientology despise and oppose!”
“These horrible anti-Scientology cultists cluster around their special little hateful natter boards where they worship the owners of the natter boards! It is even more sickening than fawning Scientologists yelling ‘Hip Hip Hooray!’ to an enormous photo our dead Founder or applauding for hours and hours our dearly beloved and cosmically significant leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige!”
“These anti-Scientologists behave far worse than OSA, RTC, and the GO rolled into one! Worse, these anti-Scientologist Jokers & Degraders are possessed of a lavish, excessive, flamboyant, and clownish sense of humor that is dipped in shoops and deep fried in japery! Scientology is a deadly serious and grim activity — we can’t have any laughs here folks!”