MV Freewinds Accidentally Scrapped


“Captain Mike Napier was at Flag for a heavy Ethics cycle. This left Ensign Nandor Vörös in charge of the vessel. In what has to be the worst telex error in the entire history of Scientology, the MV Freewinds was scrapped this past week,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Captain Napier had left orders for the ship to be ‘scraped‘ as in ‘scrape off the barnacles and the hull in preparation for painting.’ However, Ensign Vörös, whose native language is Hungarian, read the telex incorrectly and had the vessel immediately scrapped in a shipbreaking yard in Colombia.”

“A Comm Ev found that no clay demo of the order to scrape the ship had been done. $100,000,000 is needed right now for a new ship. OTIX and OTX cannot be delivered as promised without a new ship,” Delusion noted. “COB has also ordered a stop to OTVIII as that level too can can only be done on a ship.”

“The sudden loss of the ship is a disaster for Scientology Media Productions as well, “Delusion added. “SMP’s first swashbuckling feature film Scientology: Buggery on the High Seas was to be shot aboard the Freewinds. Based on an LRH screenplay, the film was to be broadcast globally by SMP. COB has fired off an RTC why-finding mission to ferret out the hidden Psychs behind this fiasco!”

Princess Joy Villa Files Emergency Supreme Court Action to Be Declared a Native American Resident of Minnesota


“With the resignation of Senator Al Franken of Minnesota, Scientologist staunch lifelong MAGA Republican Joy Villa filed an emergency petition with the US Supreme Court to be declared a resident of Minnesota,” said her political adviser Greg Mitchell of the Mitchell Firm. “Joy Villa should be appointed immediately to fill Al Franken’s vacant seat. As a Choctaw-Cherokee-Iriqouis-Navajo-Blackfeet Native American woman and a dear friend of Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump, and Steve Bannon, Princess Joy Villa is uniquely qualified to replace Al Franken.”

Danny Masterson Appearance at Scientology’s Christmas Party Cancelled

Scientologists Jenna Elfman, Laura Prepon, Erika Christensen, and Danny Masterson in the “good old days” before Masterson was accused of raping four women

“Danny Masterson’s traditional appearance as Santa Claus at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s Christmas gala has been cancelled,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

When asked to comment on the allegations that Scientologist Danny “Donkey Punch” Masterson raped four women, and may have even choked or drugged them during the alleged rapes, Delusion stated, ““The Church adamantly denies the implication the Church would ignore the criminal behavior of certain members, especially at the expense of alleged victims. What is being stated is utterly untrue. This has nothing to do with religion. This story is being manipulated to push a bigoted agenda. The Church follows all laws and cooperates with law enforcement. Any statement or implication to the contrary is false.”

When asked what his bloviating non-statement actually meant, Delusion remarked that if saving Scientology meant throwing Masterson under the bus then COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has decreed that this would happen. “Look,” Delusion said, “the Democrats are going to throw Senator Al Franken under the bus to save the party. Well then we in Scientology are doing the same thing with Danny Masterson after our extensive efforts at stonewalling and bribery have failed. Our friends at the LAPD and the L.A. District Attorney’s Office are getting real nervous about the Masterson situation. And if they’re nervous why then Mr. Miscavige is nervous too.”

“If Danny Masterson is convicted and goes to prison then it means that he was never a real Scientologist. Delusion noted. “Therefore, declaring him an SP and getting rid of him is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

Netflix could not be reached for comment as it was hiding under its desk and had the door to its office locked.

In the Harvey Weinstein Era, Tom Cruise Apologizes for Magnolia

“I should never have taken this role or starred in Magnolia,” said Tom Cruise.
“I sincerely regret making millions of dollars on this horribly sexist film. But just to be clear, I kept all the money and gave lots of it to Scientology. I did this because only Scientology can help.”

 

David Miscavige: Scientology is in a SERIOUS CRISIS and Needs More Money Now!

DM.Hair

“Scientology is in a SERIOUS CRISIS and needs more money now!” brayed COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige at the Maiden Beating Event.

“Never in the entire agonized history of this planet has Scientology ever been in a more SERIOUS CRISIS. Never has Scientology ever needed money like it needs now!”

When asked what the SERIOUS CRISIS was, Mr. Miscavige would only say that it was an unspecified serious crisis that could, if given sufficient money, be resolved by next Thursday at 2:00PM.

After COB’s announcement of the dire and unspecified crisis, Scientology OT’s retired to the ballroom and gorged themselves on lobster, steak, shrimp, baked goods, pies, cakes, champagnes, cognacs, fine wines, rich chocolate deserts, and creamy white cake with buttercream frosting. Newly-minted Clear Stacy Francis regaled the crowd with her musical stylings some have compared to Yoko Ono.

Image

Did someone mention Scientology media whores?

Finally! Wog Television Gets It Right!

Jenna.Dead

The Hollywood Reporter today announced that Scientology OT8 Jenna Elfman has been recruited as a regular on season 4 of “Fear the Walking Dead.”

Finally! Wog television gets it right! Jenna’s career has been part of the Walking Dead for decades. Now she has a role that uniquely fits her strange and unfunny OT beingness.