Scientology TV Offering a Free Coffeemaker to New Viewers

Following a devastating ratings crash, an app crash of magnitude, and joking and degrading reviews in the wog media, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige took to the airwaves again on Scientology TV to offer new viewers a free coffeemaker if they download the newly-repaired Scientology app for phones.

“This is a high quality coffeemaker,” said Mr. Miscavige. “And it’s yours for free if you download the Scientology TV app and watch 25 hours of Scientology TV. In our newest meet a Scientologist program you’ll meet Duane and Helen Schuman of San Fernando Valley. Duane and Helen have been in Scientology since the 1970’s and run a somewhat successful vending machine business.”

Scientology TV Airs a 75,000,000 Year Old Photograph!

Scientology TV: Here we have a 75,000,000 year old photo showing the bomb bay of one of Xenu’s DC-8 spaceplanes. The gold boxes contain frozen humanoids ready for aerodynamic insertion into the principal volcanoes of Teegeeack.

In recent years, Xenu upgraded his spaceplane fleet from DC-8’s to 747’s. These new spaceplanes are more fuel efficient; they also carry far more thetans who are frozen in a 60/40 mixture of glycol and alcohol.

Contrary to popular rumor, David Miscavige is not Xenu.

Scientology Chairman David Miscavige to Replace Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State

“Heading into negotiations with the violent and insane leader of North Korea, President Trump felt he needed a far more violent and insane American to serve as Secretary of State for what will surely be vicious negotiations — negotiations that will very likely need to be solved by a good ol’ fashioned ass-kicking that includes choking, punching, and even a set of brass knuckles or a hard kick to the nutsack if extra persuasion is needed,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Given these requirements, President Trump felt that Scientology leader David Miscavige would be the perfect man to serve as America’s new Secretary of State.”

“Frankly,” Delusion added, “as Secretary of State, Tillerson never even once engaged in a bloody beatdown of  a foreign despot. Tillerson never understood that real diplomacy  involves fists, cruise missiles, fake news, honeypot traps, Novichok agents, blackmail, bribery and whatever else is required to confront and shatter suppression on the global stage. Mr. Miscavige understands how to handle SP’s!”

“Fresh off his staggering triumph of launching Scientology Media Productions, Mr. Miscavige has proven that he has an uncorrupted communication line to the billions of people on this prison planet. President Trump was impressed by the fact that SMP reached 55.7 billion people in its first 24 hours of broadcasting and that 22.6 billion people signed up for a Scientology introductory course as a result.”


Scientology Television

Marty & Alanzo’s Deprogramming Services

Marty’s personal assistant Alanzo clears Marty’s nostril prior to filming video #528.

The Doctors of Scientology Mark C. Rathbun and Allen “Alanzo” Stanfield have joined forces to create Marty & Alanzo’s Deprogramming Services.

“Marty & Alanzo’s Deprogramming Services specializes in deprogramming Anti-Scientologists,” said Dr. Stanfield. “Funded by Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs, our mission is to stop people from attacking the Church of Scientology.”

“Scientology cannot accomplish its humanitarian goals given the activities of Scientology haters. In any decent country, haters would not be allowed to even open their mouths and spew such hate. But in Wog America and Europe they are. This is why deprogrammers like me and Marty and needed to stop the spread of false data about Scientology.”

“And yes,” chortled Alanzo, “David Miscavige gave me the sweater I wear on my videos. I love it as much as Marty loves the brown sports coat COB gave him.”

Dr. Mark C. Rathbun added that the troika and its financiers are out to attack him and that is why he has to incessantly cyber-stalk these people online through his tedious browncoat videos. “Creepy cyber-stalking is part of my deprogramming technique,” said Dr. Rathbun. “And now that Alanzo is my Manuela, my little bitch, I know that together we can defeat the ASC.”

Scientology Man: The New Super Hero for the 21st Century!

We at Scientology Media Productions are proud to announce our launch television series: Scientology Man: The New Super Hero for the 21st Century.

Scientology Man is everything a Scientologist should be:

Scientology Man is everything a Scientologist in good standing should be:

* Recognizes COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige as the single most important being in the universe

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses

* Not afraid to write KR’s on his family and friends

* Is fully Homo Novis and does get colds or need eyeglasses; is superior to wogs in every way. Can read minds, fly through the air, and kill with an OT death stare

* Ruthlessly puts in Ethics on himself and others

* Brutally handles SP’s as needed

* Has super powers but does not show them off to wogs

* Attends all Scientology events; does not make excuses to avoid events

* Works to destroy Psychiatry, the Psychs, and Psych drugs

* Loves Tom Cruise and sees all of his films; John Travolta not so much

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses

* Use OT powers to find the best parking spots at the mall

* Attacks the ASC and embraces all doctrines of Rathbunology

* Attends all OT Committee meetings

* Volunteers in Central Files for his local Ideal Org

* Is the only one who can help at the scene of accidents

* Knows that LRH was a super secret intelligence agent and war hero

* Does not read entheta online

* Goes “all in” financially for Scientology

* Does not commit face crimes or natter about GAT II

* Spies for OSA when asked to do so

* Takes out new credit cards and loans when asked to do by regges

* Understands that “bankruptcy” is just a dramatization of the wog financial system

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses in each new unit of time

Samantha Bee Attacks Scientology & the NRA

We in Scientology love our e-meters and we love our AR-15’s — and Samantha Bee is an SP!