RTC Secret Memo: Celebrities


Actress Elisabeth Moss Joins Scientology’s Elite “Fuck You” Club

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has determined that celebrities pose too many risks to Scientology. Therefore, COB decrees the following:

1. Thanks to a generous $500,000,000 donation, the Celebrity Centre Int will be renamed The Bob Duggan Scientology Success in Life Centre. Only those Scientologists with an annual income of $3,000,000 USD or more are eligible to join the BDSSILC. The emphasis will be on success, money, IAS Patron Status, and not on celebrity or going up the, uhh, that thing, err, what’s it called? The Bridge to total, umm, something. Whatever it was the Founder was hobbyhorsing about all time with his complicated charts and scales and whatnot. We in RTC aren’t really into it because if you’re a major IAS Patron you’re automatically an OT8 so don’t worry about it.

2. Grant and Elena Cardone will chair the BDSSILC OT Committee.

3. Except for Tom Cruise and a few others, most of the existing Scientology celebrities are demoted to the status of PAC Base publics. None of them have done us any good. Tom Cruise will become a BDSSILC public.

4. Due to their creepy and embarrassing videos, Bodhi and Jenna Elfman are demoted to SFV publics and ordered to move to the Valley. They have lost their Hollywood/Los Feliz privileges for gross out ethics.

5. Elisabeth Moss flipping off the camera at the Emmys was too much for COB. Moss is being sec checked at Int Base for the next several months on her evil purposes to destroy Scientology.

6. Just as STAND has created fake stock photo Scientologists, the Church will create fake stock photo celebrity members. Stock photo Scientology celebrities pose no PR risks and will not escape and write books or do television shows. Our launch stock photo Scientology celebrity is Angelia Joolie:

Scientology OT7 Richard “Big Dick” Bongo warns SP’s to Shut the Hell Up!

Scientologist OT7 Richard “Big Dick” Bongo warns SP’s to shut the hell up and stop talking about Scientology and the Aftermath or he will make them shut up!

“I’m goddamn sick and tired of hearing about this show,” exclaimed Big Dick Bongo. “And yeah, I know the show won an Emmy but so what? Those faggots in Hollywood make an Emmy sound like it’s some kind of  big deal. Well it’s not! And for the record I’d rather have my e-meter than an Emmy!”

An OT8 Success Story in Fighting Entheta!

psycho-females-aileen-wuornos
By Debbie Duncan-Donitz, OTVIII

I was recently shopping at my neighborhood department store when I saw piles of a certain celebrity magazine at each checkout stand that featured a former Scientology actress who is now a hater and a bigot.

I knew something had to be done.

I hid in the store until after it closed. Then I ran into the patio section and gathered up cases of barbecue lighter fluid in a shopping cart. I doused the front of the store with the lighter fluid and set it aflame.

The flames quickly spread at an astonishing rate! All of the propane bottles in the front of store exploded. The clothing departments caught fire as did sporting goods, fabrics, and every other department.

By the time the Fire Department arrived on scene the store was a giant conflagration of flames that leaped hundreds of feet into the night sky. I cackled from my hiding spot in a tree in the parking lot.

The Fire Department had no chance. The store burned to the ground. All that remained was a gutted shell. This wog retail store will not be selling any more hateful entheta magazines that attack my religion! I am so keyed out on this huge win!

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige Hails Fake STAND Member Program as a Complete Success

FAKE.STAND

“COB today congratulated Scientology phony PR front group STAND for reaching a milestone of 10,000 fake members,” Ken Delusion announced.

“These mocked up Scientologists now outnumber real Scientologists,” Delusion noted. “Which goes to show that Scientologists can create new and better realities, get the best parking spots, put out intention beams to get green lights at intersections, and postulate new Scientology parishioners where none actually exist.”

“It’s not fraud, it’s OT Magic!” enthused Delusion.

“And thanks to a new IAS grant, STAND can now purchase another 10,000 stock photos to use as STAND members. It really is straight up and vertical expansion in Scientology,” Delusion rhapsodized, his eyes glazed over and his smile fixed as if he were in another of his phantasmagorical and maniacal trances.

Kim Jong-un Attains State of Clear in Scientology!

Kim.Flag

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has just reached the State of Clear at Scientology’s Pyongyang Ideal Org.

“I’m so happy to have finally reached the State Clear! I’ve eradicated my reactive mind forever!” enthused Kim Jong-un. “No more engrams, irrational computations, or sicknesses! I now have a perfect memory, a 190 IQ, and can read a 1,000 page book in ten minutes with full comprehension.”

“As the world’s first Cleared Communist, I can now rationally and sanely realize my goal of destroying America and all of the other running dog Imperialists in the West! Thank you COB RTC David Miscavige! You are a superman just like me!”

Image

Scientologist Charles Manson

The Horror!

Having returned home unexpectedly early from a business trip, New OVIII Juanita Romero walked into her bedroom that night and caught her husband watching… Scientology and the Aftermath!