COB RTC David Miscavige visits the President and First Lady at Trump Tower

“David Miscavige dropped by Trump Tower the other day,” said the President. “He had yuge concerns, very yuge concerns he told me, about Scientology being a persecuted minority religion. David wanted some special laws passed about putting SP’s in prison and having them beaten by the guards. Not gonna happen I said. Little David started getting very animated folks. He was waving his arms around, stamping his feet, and cussing up a storm. Folks let me say this: I don’t like profanity in my house or at the White House. I actually had to have the Secret Service make David sit down on the sofa and cool down.

“I then called in my Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and folks Jeff Sessions is a great guy, just great. And I had Jeff Session explain, in real simple terms, what freedom of speech is to little David. It was a waste of time. David said he  didn’t understand and demanded that the US repeal the First Amendment. Jeff Sessions said that would hurt Scientology. David then demanded that the First Amendment be modified so that religions were protected while freedom of speech was outlawed.

“I got a little hot under the collar and said, ‘David ya’ gotta stop with this crazy talk and just learn to take the heat! I got people screaming for my head everyday and I just ignore it! I let Sean Spicer or Kellyanne take care of it. What do I care? I got a country to run!’ David sat there and pouted. Folks, I had to finally tell him that he gets his feelings hurt too easily. What I didn’t tell him was that if he had been on The Apprentice I would’ve fired him at the end of the first show of the new season. Folks, this guy Miscavige has too much time and money on his hands and has no one to tell him to knock it off when he gets crazy. I got Melania, Kellyanne, Mike Pence, Mad Dog Mattis  and a lot of other good tough people. Little David could use some good tough advisers. But what does he do? He surrounds himself with all those bootlickers and toadies!

“But just to show there were no hard feelings towards Scientology from my Administration, Melania and I gifted David with a very nice, very plush, and very expensive stuffed lion to show we’re fine with Scientology and all of the other whacko UFO alien cults in America. And let me tell you little David was ecstatic. He was really happy folks.

“David was also a very thirsty little guy, very thirsty, and he drank all the scotch in my penthouse. Really thirsty little guy. But then he sent over a case of Macallan so he keeps his exchange in folks. And that’s more than I can say for the Democrats who take and take and take and won’t even approve the rest of my cabinet.”

Scientology: The Real Story

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Scientology Media Productions today announced the production of its new series Scientology: The Real Story. “Season one will feature ten exciting episodes explained Sea Org Ensign Brenda Bahlbreaker, Commanding Officer of SMP.

“We have a dynamite line up of shows,” enthused Ensign Bahlbreaker.

1. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige: Humanitarian and global ecclesiastical leader guides Scientology into a new and unprecedented era of expansion.

2. The story of how Mr. Miscavige opened 17,712 new Ideal Orgs — and in the process how Scientology became the largest private bulk purchaser of carpeting and flooring in the world — is told. Far from being the “dramatizing interior decorator” his critics have falsely portrayed him as, Mr. Miscavige is instead shown as a man of impeccable tastes in interior design and architecture.

3. STAND: Scientologists taking a stand against discrimination. Squirrel Busting and OSAbot online trolling clarified, explained, and justified.

4. Fair Game? “No, it was cancelled in 1968,” explains Ken Delusion. “It was a bad policy written by our doddering old bumpkin of a Founder. Thank goodness David Miscavige was chosen to rise above Ron’s bank,” Delusion concludes.

5. David Miscavige and Tom Cruise Revitalize Downtown Clearwater. The dynamic Scientology duo cut the ribbon on a new Payless shoe store, the mighty anchor store in what will become 21st century Downtown Clearwater. Soon to follow are a new Der Wienerschnitzel, a Fotomat, and of course a new taco truck. Did we tell you that COB loves a good taco truck?

6. The new Theta Optical Store opens with a special 10% off on all eyeglasses for Scientologists. This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dwight and Debbie White explaining why, although thetans see through golden discs, eyeglasses are sometimes needed when the meat body eyeballs go out of present time.

7. ARC Hearing Aids store opens with a special 10% off on all hearing aids for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dennis and Brenda Caucasian explaining why, although thetans hear through platinum discs, hearing aids are sometimes needed when the meat body ears go out of
present time.

8. KRC Chiropractic opens with a special 10% off on all chiropractic adjustments for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Henry and Cheryl Paleface explaining why, although thetans can operate the body while exterior with full perceptions, most can’t do it as they are banky and so go Out Int. This necessitates the need for an adjustment. Henry Paleface also explains why chiropractic done the Scientology way can eliminate the need for wog medications, cancer treatment, and other expensive and unnecessary treatments for made up diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, asthma, leukemia, etc.

9. The new Eternity Bookstore store opens. Owner OT Rod Delusion explains why he only sells LRH fiction and the Basics and refuses to carry the filthy and degraded books written by wogs.

10. The season finale ends where it begins: With a celebration of COB RTC David Miscavige. To support COB, this final episode is a five day fundraising telethon and is mandatory watching for IAS members who wish to remain in good standing with the Church.

The Number of Times Over the Material Equals Certainty Except When It Doesn’t

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As a watershed discovery about the very nature of the Tech, the Scientology Uncertainty Principle is rooted in the the Scientology Paradox:

THE NUMBER OF TIMES OVER THE MATERIAL EQUALS CERTAINTY AND RESULTS EXCEPT WHEN IT DOESN’T

The following is the actual technical fact:

The number of times over the material actually causes increasing uncertainty, which increasing uncertainty causes new Golden Age of Tech releases to spontaneously appear.

Thus, just as it is impossible to know if a Scientologist is in good standing, it is also impossible to know the definition of a Floating Needle or anything else until the next GAT level is released. Whereupon, the release of a new GAT level gives the apparency of certainty until the number of times over the new material actually causes increasing uncertainty.

To prevent squirreling, unusual solutions, and verbal tech in the presence of exponentially increasing uncertainty, therefore, new GAT Levels spontaneously appear and are then annihilated. This is conceptually akin to the creation of particles and antiparticles and their annihilation in the Dirac Sea.

Scientology persists as a cycle of creation and annihilation. However, this cycle is corrupt and that is why, over time, it now offers vastly diminishing creative returns while  its annihilative power increases and runs amok with great chaos and violence. Scientology’s original signal strength grows weaker with each inevitable GAT collapse and each empty Org. Due to entropy and the loss of energy in this closed system, Scientology has become the persistence of memory; mental image pictures of what the subject once allegedly was, or at least was as some remember it, but is no more.

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Winning with Scientology

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COB RTC David Miscavige & Mr. Danny Masterson to headline at the Winning with Scientology Seminar at Celebrity Centre! Seats are limited. Book your tickets now. Event to be held in the CC Donkey Punch Pavilion.

Also speaking at the event will be LAPD Captain David Storaker and other LAPD command personnel whose consistent praise for the Church of Scientology shows just how much we in Scientology own these wog cops.

 

SFV OT COMMITTEE ANNOUNCEMENT

danny-1OT SFV COMMITTEE ANNOUNCEMENT:

Due to scheduling conflicts, Scientology Goodwill Ambassador Danny Masterson will be unable to speak at Saturday’s meeting of STAND.

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J.R. “Bob” Dobbs to take over as Pope of Scientology effective immediately as David Miscavige flees to Bulgravia!

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J. R. “Bob” Dobbs has been selected to take over as the Pope of Scientology following David Miscavige’s sudden and unexplained departure to Bulgravia.

Dobbs said his immediate plans were for Scientology were top secret.

Cult Award Ceremony Disaster!

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And the winner for Best Cult is Scientology… no wait… the winner is, sorry, sorry, there’s been a mix up. The winner for Best Cult is Heaven’s Gate. Sorry David Miscavige and Scientology. Accepting for Heaven’s Gate is Marshall Herff Applewhite: