“Well sir the Phoenix Mission here was booming back in the old days,” said mission holder Bud Turlock. “But then they was that ter-nady what swept up from Oklahoma and washed out the dirt road and knocked down the power lines.
“The county won’t bulldoze me a new road and I ain’t got no money to do it myself cause I had to sell my bulldozer to pay for new dentures, a Basics library for the mission, and whatnot and so forth. And then they put in that big flashy Indian casino down the road and people would rather go thar and get liquored up and gamble. Hell, some nights I go down thar and get liquored real good up seein’ as nuthin’ much happens here at the mission since the was road washed out. Had some fellers come by from the Jay-hovah’s Witnesses church over there in Gila Bend awhile back but I done run ’em off.
COB’s supposed to boom the missions and Orgs when SMP goes live on the tee-vee next month.”
SP criminals have hacked the Windows XP-based Scientology mainframe computer and put a virus onto all Warehouse 8 e-meters.
What happens is that when a floating needle occurs in session, the dial shows a picture of Bozo the Clown and uproarious laughter emanates from the meter.
A message then flashes on the dial demanding $300 to unlock the meter. Scientology cyber experts say this appears to be the work of SMERSH, a Psych group dedicated to enturbulating Scientology organizations.
David Miscavige and Lee Baca: The new faces of Criminon, Scientology’s criminal rehabilitation program. Donate today for a better tomorrow.
“The global demand for Scientology is huge, just incredibly huge,” exclaimed Scientology Media Czar Ken Delusion. “Folks, Scientology is fabulous, just fabulous. We are a winning Church with beautiful people.”
“Let me be clear on Scientology’s huge results: COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige continues to open Ideal Orgs at a blistering pace of 33 per day. That is amazing. We now have 217,918 Ideal Orgs scattered across the fifteen continents and 3208 countries of the world. Even in Tanzania folks. Scientology is everywhere. We are even under your bed at night when you sleep.”
“Literally we are under your bed beaming waves into your mind at night while you sleep. And that is why Scientology doesn’t want you to take Psych drugs or NyQuil or drink alcohol before you go to bed at night as these drugs block our waves from reaching deeply into your mind.”
“We want you to be fabulous and huge just like the rest of us in Scientology. That can only happen if you cooperate and let Scientology into your mind. Once we are in your mind then *POW!* the magic happens! You become one of us!”
“And now a public service message:
Emperor Revoltingdrool of the Helotrobus Confederation aka David Miscavige
COB RTC David Miscavige — whose real galactic identity is Emperor Revoltingdrool of the Helotrobus Confederation — had promised the Marcabs a choice 1.4 acre site in Downtown Clearwater as a landing pad for Marcabian implanting ships. This land was the linchpin of a very secret RTC-Marcab exchange deal.
“The Marcabs need this land to build an enclosed shelter in which they can safely harvest the body parts of Scientology OT’s. The Marcabs desperately need BT-free OT body parts to fortify their DNA, weakened as it is by eons of Psych drugs,” declared RTC spokesthetan Ken Delusion.
“BT’s inherently crave Psych drugs,” explained Flag medical director Dr. Juan Diego San Kool de Menthol. “Therefore, the appeal of OT BT-Free DNA is that it can be transfused into Marcabs without any resultant cravings for more Psych drugs. Conversely, transfusing BT-laden wog DNA creates an even worse craving for Psych drugs.”
“In exchange for OT body parts,” Delusion commented, “the Marcabs had agreed to give Emperor Revoltingdrool their GEN 4 implanting equipment for exclusive use at Flag. This new GEN 4 implanting equipment can be used to raise donations to Scientology by 47,000%.”
“But then Emperor Revoltingdrool was betrayed by a Psych conspiracy between CMA and the City of Clearwater. The Marcabs are furious. They are demanding that Emperor Revoltingdrool ‘do whatever it takes’ to snatch back that parcel of land from the City of Clearwater.”
“Emperor Revoltingdrool is considering an ultimatum: If the City does not convey the land to the Church by 0700 hours this weekend, then Dianetiks Tanks Battalion #8 will once again be deployed in Clearwater to impose Emperor Revoltingdrool’s iron will upon the wog citizenry of the decadent kicked-in-head City of Clearwater!”