The Way to Happiness Legal Release Form

From: COB RTC David Miscavige
To: OSA Legal
Re: The Way to Happiness Release Form

To keep our legal ruds in on the fact that Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard have never promised anyone anything, all VM’s are to have all wogs sign and date the new The Way to Happiness release form before they are given a copy of The Way to Happiness:


Scientology: The Psychs Have Sabotaged the Dewey Decimal System!


During his recent meeting with Dr. Dick Dooley, the Third Undersecretary of the Dewey Decimal Oversight System for the UN, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige demanded that Scientology books be shelved in both the Science and Religion sections of all libraries in the entire world.

COB further demanded that all books attacking the Church of Scientology be taken off all library shelves globally and burned for containing so many vicious lies written by bitter defrocked apostates and journalists in the employ of the pharmaceutical companies whose “feel good” pills sell trillions of dollars each year while Scientology is forced to limp by with a just a few billion dollars and a real estate portfolio of underutilized buildings that, if all entheta could be destroyed, would be booming. “The peoples of Earth naturally clamor for Scientology. However, their natural urge to reach for our copyrighted $360,000 body of OT Super Powers has been unnaturally and criminally blunted by the forces of suppression,” stated Mr. Miscavige.

Dr. Dooley refused COB’s request. It was thereafter discovered that Dr. Dooley is connected to elements in London’s criminal underworld who are in the employ of the Royal Family, i.e. the Reptilian Shapeshifters who secretly control the world by, among other things, subtly manipulating the Dewey Decimal System globally so that books are not shelved in their proper categories libraries.

“It’s not just misunderstood words,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion, “it is rather that entire bodies of knowledge are misunderstood because they have not been aligned to Scientology which is senior to life itself and therefore aligns all bodies of knowledge to the dynamic principle of existence which is this: Stats are due each Thursday at 2:00 PM, and, stats must increase each week ad infinitum if one wishes to avoid ecclesiastical beatings and the RPF.”

“The answer is clear,” said Mr. Delusion, “the IAS must immediately raise $750,000,000  to fight the Psych operatives who have very cleverly and covertly manipulated the Dewey Decimal System globally.”

“The corruption of the Dewey Decimal System is the ‘why’ that explains why all 122,512 LRH Basics libraries Scientologists donated were stolen from library shelves by agents of SMERSH, thrown by psych-drugged librarians into library dumpsters, sold for $15.00 at library sales, or dumped into the plastics recycling bins of libraries. It was all an appalling crime against humanity and the universe itself.”

Scientology, Hamburgers, and Sea Org member Johnny Fontaine


Dwayne Dooley, a local non-Scientologist who lived in the Flamingo Apartments in Silver Lake, sat eating his spicy Cajun burger and french fries at the Ideal Pacifica cafe.

Sea Org member Johnny Fontaine, who badly needed a stat, was chatting up Dwayne about the many virtues of Scientology. Johnny had already found Dwayne’s ruin and that was women. Dwayne was a loser with women. They didn’t like his beer belly, yellow teeth, grimy hair, fast food logo tattoos, chronic flatulence, his overall lack of personal hygiene, the fact that he lied about almost everything, and of course his long arrest record for petty crimes — mostly public intoxication.

Johnny Fontaine promised Dwayne that Scientology could help.

Scientology already liked Dwayne because, as Johnny Fontaine had learned, Dwayne owned the Flamingo Apartments he had inherited from his uncle Dick Dooley who had died the previous year in a freak accident at Del Taco. The story had made the local news. Dwayne Dooley had also inherited Dooley Financial, the Southland’s leading loan sharking high interest payday loan company. Dwayne Dooley, worthless as he was, was worth millions of dollars.

Johnny Fontaine, who had joined the Sea Org after he ran out of money at the Celebrity Centre for auditing and courses that would help him become a famous and wealthy actor like Tom Cruise, was already counting his 10% FSM commission on the $150,000 Clear package Dwayne Dooley said he wanted to buy. That $15,000 commission would allow Johnny Fontaine to purchase a used Moped, a new toothbrush, new socks and underwear, a year’s supply of Top Ramen, and the other things Sea Org members need and want. Indeed, Johnny Fontaine would even be able to afford a sturdy brand name toothbrush. He would be free from the flimsy and cheap toothbrushes he purchased at the .99 cent store on Vermont.

Suddenly, over one hundred black SUV’s filled L. Ron Hubbard Way and hundreds of FBI agents poured out of them. Armed with search warrants, the FBI agents entered all of the Orgs in a surprise daylight raid. “What the hell is going on?” Dwayne Dooley asked Johnny Fontaine.

“It’s just another FBI raid,” Johnny Fontaine calmly assured Dwayne Dooley. “The FBI is after us because we have the secrets of the universe they don’t want you to know about. For example, the British nobility are actually reptilian shapeshifters whose goal is to enslave the world using Psych drugs, diet pills, and rose-scented perfumes in beauty products and clothing.”

Johnny Fontaine knew this was verbal tech he had read in David Icke books, but it was true for him and he had 70% complete certainty that this was probably what the OT levels were really all about. After all, so many of the older chain smoking OT’s in AOLA were haggard and wrinkled and had lizard skin. He knew they had to be part of the conspiracy of reptilian shapeshifters who had infiltrated Scientology to ruin the real states of Clear and OT.

Johnny Fontaine knew when he became an OT he would blow the lid off this conspiracy and COB would make him the CO of OSA. That was Johnny Fontaine’s dream: To save the Church of Scientology from the reptilian shapeshifters and become best friends with his idols Tom Cruise and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige.

Lost in his reverie, Johnny Fontaine failed to notice that Dwayne Dooley had fled, leaving behind his half-eaten spicy Cajun burger and french fries. Knowing this would be his last good meal for many years before being RPF’d for blowing a $150,000 reg cycle he wolfed down the food. Johnny Fontaine scanned LRH Way in hopes of finding a way to blow but there were just too many FBI agents and Scientology bicycle security nazis.

After the 54th call that day from Scientology ordering him to return to the Org that evening and complete the reg cycle because the FBI would be done with the raid by then, Dwayne Dooley changed his phone number and hid out from Sea Org regges for several months in the Palms Apartments in Atwood, another property he had inherited from his uncle Dick Dooley.

Scientology Replies to Piers Morgan: We are not “Gutless Cowards and Sinister Little Weirdos!”

“Long on the payroll of the CIA and Big Pharma, the criminal psychopath and major SP Piers Morgan savagely –and the at orders of the ‘big boss‘ in SMERSH — attacked we in the Church of Scientology!” complained Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Emboldened by his fellow SP John Sweeney who wrote a horrible book about Scientology, Piers Morgan called us ‘gutless cowards’ and ‘sinister little weirdos’ and challenged us to sue him! The nerve of this SP piece of trash!”

“Just because we in Scientology spy on people; brainwash our members; tap phones; hack computers; destroy people by Fair Game; break up families; bankrupt our members; are hellbent on ruling the world; and believe that everyone on Earth is infected with millions of body thetans does not make us ‘sinister little weirdos.’ If anything, our violent and irrational conduct, phantasmagorical belief system, and great tax-free wealth all serve to prove that Scientology is, in fact, a genuine religion.”

“We in Scientology have been slandered and emotionally damaged by Piers Morgan’s reckless, hurtful, and bigoted words,” Delusion bitterly noted. “Our Dear Leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has definite plans to sue Piers Morgan, his network, and everyone in the UK for a few trillion dollars. But first COB has to release OT IX and OT X; stop the Russian Federal Police from raiding our Orgs every other week; open 22,118 new Ideal Orgs; and bribe some politicians and judges in Moscow. And of course, COB has to do all of this singlehandedly while still Clearing the Planet.”

“After COB finishes these many cycles, Scientology will sue the smug and arrogant Piers Morgan and wipe that cheeky grin right off his stupid wog face! In the meantime, we’ll have to settle for putting up some hate pages on Piers Morgan on our Scientology websites. We may even send one of our gumshoes around to dig through his garbage.”

David Miscavige: I Like to Grab Women by Their P****!


Entertainment Tonight today released shocking hot mike audio of David Miscavige saying, “I like to grab women by their purse because that’s where all their money, checkbooks, and credit cards are!”

“And women let me do because I’m a famous global ecclesiastical leader,” boasted Miscavige. “I’m David Miscavige bitch!”

Male religious leaders everywhere cheered Miscavige. “We religious leaders need to grab women by their purses real hard and take all their money,” echoed Christian Televangelist Robert Tilton.

And now please, a mandatory three minute R6 implanting video:



Scientology Matters


A man dressed in a gorilla outfit and wearing a t-shirt that read “Scientology Matters” ran onto the field during Sunday’s NFL game between the Bears and the Lions. Tackled by security and taken into custody by police, the costumed assailant was identified as Tyler Barrington-Swope, scion of the Barrington-Swope telex dynasty of Chicago.

Barrington-Swope told police he was an “upper level” Scientologist  and had run onto the field in order to draw attention to the Gorilla Goals. He further stated that his actions were a part of working his way out of what he described as “lower conditions.”

When asked what the Gorilla Goals were,  Barrington-Swope explained:

The Gorilla Goals were a series of implants created by invaders from Helatrobus “between about 319 trillion years ago to about 256 trillion trillion years ago. They were given in an amusement park with a single tunnel, a roller coaster and a Ferris wheel … The symbol of a Gorilla was always present in the place the goal was given. Sometimes a large gorilla, black, was seen elsewhere than the park. A mechanical or a live gorilla was always seen in the park. This activity was conducted by the Hoipolloi, a group of operators in meat body societies. They were typical carnival people. They let out concessions for these implant “Amusement Parks.” A pink-striped white shirt with sleeve garters was the uniform of the Hoipolloi. Such a figure often rode on the roller coaster cars. Monkeys were also used on the cars. Elephants sometimes formed part of the equipment. (“Routine 3N: Line Plots”, HCOB 14 July 1963)

Barrington-Swope was charged with misdemeanor mischief and released. When asked to comment on the matter, Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion said the public should expect to see more such displays of Scientology activism.

“We in Scientology plan to escalate our disruptive conduct in order to pay the world back for its many decades of ridiculing us as rank cultists and mocking our rather esoteric, incredibly expensive, and brutal belief system.”

We’re here, we’re Clear, get over it!” Delusion shouted at reporters.

Tom Cruise Opens an Exclusive Chain of Scientology “Puffy Face” Beauty Clinics!


“I love the new me,” said Scientologist Tom Cruise. “The old me had a face that was too thin and gaunt. I looked anorexic. I like the new fuller ‘puffy-faced and overfed Flag OT‘ look. My new look says I’m sessionable, upstat, and winning in life!

“I want others to have the same wins I had. That’s why I’ve  opened a new chain of exclusive Scientology puffy-faced beauty clinics.

“Called Mr. Tom’s of Beverly Hills, my new beauty clinics use the exact Scientology beauty-implanting technology of BT-injections, Botox, mega-niacin fillers, and glycol-alchohol injections which preparation is guaranteed to pick up a thetan. All of these combine to create a new standard in beauty: The puffy-faced OT!

“I feel fab, fit, and fifty-four!”