COB Inna Box


“We in RTC can’t believe how inexpensive it was to hire international superstar Bill Cosby to be the face of our new COB Inna Box™ pudding for Scientologists” enthused Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Scientologists are raving about the 99% vanilla flavor of this sticky little box of Scientology pudding! We invite you to try some today!”

Tom Cruise Promoted to Rear Admiral; Given Highest Scientology Award Ever


Scientology Sea Org Fleet Admiral David Miscavige today promoted Captain Tom Cruise to Rear Admiral and awarded him with the Order of the Operating Golden Thetan VIII, the highest medal ever given in the Church of Scientology’s history.

Admiral Cruise’s promotion and medal were given in honor of the eleventh anniversary of Mr. Cruise having destroyed Psychiatry once and for all:

The Church of Scientology Celebrity Routing Out Sec Check

“With the sudden and unexpected news of Jason Lee’s public announcement that he no longer practices Scientology, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered the new Church of Scientology Celebrity Routing Out Sec Check to be used on all celebrities who may get the idea they can just willy nilly leave Scientology,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “After all that COB did for Jason Lee, well, COB considers that Jason Lee is forwarding enemies lines. Mr. Lee may expect his SP Declare to be posted at CC Int this very day.”

The Church of Scientology Celebrity Routing Out Sec Check — to be used on any Scientology celebrity who originates that he or she wishes to leave Scientology.

Those times you secretly went Out 2-D? How do you feel about TMZ publishing the details?

What evil purposes do you have to destroy Scientology?

How do you feel about having OSA put up multiple hate websites on you?

Have you ever raped a baby?

Your numerous drug relapses? How do you feel about your drug dealers confirming the details and the National Enquirer publishing the details?

What are your crimes against COB?

All of the nasty things you said in session about Steven Spielberg, George Clooney, Angelia Jolie, and other powerful directors and movie stars who could ruin your career? How do you feel about TMZ publishing the details?

How many planets have you destroyed?

Your bi-curious and/or homosexual experimentation? How do you feel about the National Enquirer publishing the details and photos of these trysts?

How many civilizations have you enslaved?

The illegitimate child you had with the hired help? How do you feel about TMZ publishing the details and photos?

Have you ever smuggled diamonds?

The bikini wax session with Pablo that turned into a quickie? How do you feel about the National Enquirer publishing the details and photos?

Who have you implanted this lifetime?

The numerous massages with Raul that all had a very happy ending? How do you feel about TMZ publishing the details and photos?

The “pearl necklace” incidents in your trailer on location? How do you feel about TMZ publishing the details and photos?

Regarding all those times you broke into COB’s cabin on Maiden Voyage events to secretly sniff COB’s socks and underwear: How do you feel about TMZ publishing this story?

Part 2 from I/G Tech Techie:

Do you have disposable cash that could be donated to the IAS? (Session breaks for trips to the IAS Reg, Repeat to End Phenomenon of Broke).

Did you say anything critical about David Miscavige?

Have you revealed any unacceptable truths to the press?

Have you been in contact with persons who have left the Church? Who and how often?

Have you had fun or enjoyed yourself?

Note to the auditor: Run the Scientology Celebrity Routing Out Sec Check to an F/N with the EP: “I have changed my mind about leaving Scientology and wish to stay. Here is my $1,000,000 check to the IAS to make up for the damage I have done to the group. Thank you COB for this chance to redeem myself.”

Now it Can be Told: Hillary Clinton Got Pneumonia After Exposure to the OT Materials!


Hillary Clinton was exposed to the OT materials without the proper set-ups at Flag. As a result, she caught pneumonia and began freewheeling through her implants. Hillary called all of the BT’s in her implants a “Basket of Deplorables.”

Senior C/S Int Captain COB RTC David Miscavige* investigated this matter and declared, “Donald Trump has been found to be the Psych Implanter behind the squirrel preps at Flag that caused Hilary’s improper OT set-ups. OSA has handled Donald Trump by locking him up in the SP Hole.”

“We handled Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia by putting her on a treadmill in the Purif to run out the pneumonia. We also have Hillary smoking cigarettes every fifteen minutes as cigarette smoke pushes nuclear radiation out of the body and Hillary was found to be highly radioactive.”

*COB RTC David Miscavige must never be called Captain.

Warning: Scientology’s Founder on the OT Levels and pneumonia:

The implant is calculated to kill (by pneumonia etc) anyone who attempts to solve it. This liability has been dispensed with by my tech development. One can freewheel through the implant and die unless it is approached as precisely outlined. The “freewheel” (auto-running on and on) lasts too long, denies sleep etc and one dies. So be careful to do only Incidents I and II as given and not plow around and fail to complete one thetan at a time.


RTC IG/J&D Captain HelluvaHoax on Refunds

The Lost Tech of Refunds  has been located by RTC IG/J&D Captain HelluvaHoax of ESMB (External Scientology Messengers Bureaux). VWD HH!

The Psychiatric Illuminati Behind “Burning Man” Incinerate Mankind’s Only Hope of Salvation in a Scientology Witch Hunt

“Once again the Psychiatric Illuminati have attacked Mankind’s only hope of salvation when they burned Scientology scripture in their Scientology witch hunt,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Freedom Magazine has discovered that the Psychs behind Burning Man had premeditated this plot to burn Scientology in effigy while pretending it was an ‘artistic statement’ decrying our sacred doctrine of Disconnection. Yet as actual study on art by the Founder has shown, artists would never call sacrilege art. Serious artists such as Tom Cruise only make art that has a high aesthetic wavelength.”

“This bonfire unequivocally proves that the anti-Scientology community has now become far worse than OSA, Fair Game, RPF, Sea Org child labor, Sea Org slavery, and Disconnection rolled into one,” complained Delusion. “Setting ablaze a depiction of our holy religious doctrine of Disconnection is an act of hate.”

“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has authorized the IAS to spend $1.2 billion dollars to purchase 500,000 acres of land in the Black Rock desert of Gerlach, Nevada. This privatization of the land will put an end to all future Burning Man festivals. That Burning Man is backed by the Psychiatric Illuminati is easily proven by the blasphemous Temple of Xenu at which human sacrifices were conducted,” Delusion noted.

COB and COB ASST on the way back to Los Angeles after ribbon pull on Australia Ideal Org


COB: I hate Australia… I hate Australians!

COB ASST: You hate everyone.

COB: True.

COB: How did I look Lou? Did I look great or what?

COB ASST: You looked great Dave.

COB: I was pleased with the new pompadour today. You can’t even tell it’s made from muskrat fur.

COB ASST: You looked great Dave. You could be a movie star.

COB: That’s a laugh! Remember how stupid Tom Cruise looked hanging from that airplane in his last Mission Impossible film? His face was all distorted and he was like, “Look at how great I am! I’m Tom Cruise hanging from an Airbus!” What a moron! He was dramatizing Incident II and didn’t even get it! So much for him being OT. He can’t even spot the major incident on the wholetrack!

COB ASST: Tom Cruise, what’s the deal with him these days?

COB: I just read his pc folders again and he really needs FPRD to handle his case. He dramatizes literally everything. He enturbulates everyone in his area.

COB ASST:  He’s not like you at all. You’re so theta COB. Even the wogs at the taco truck love you.

COB: I know. Everyone loves me. Say Lou?

COB ASST: Yes sir?

COB: My glass isn’t going to refill itself with scotch. Hit me again.

COB: Make it a double.

COB ASST: There you go COB, a double it is!

COB: I love drinking MacAllan on my private jet! This is what being a global ecclesiastical leader tastes like!

COB: Kate Cebrano sounded horrible today when she sang.

COB ASST: Awful. Just awful. She sounded like an injured wildebeest.

COB: But on the other hand Lou, was my speech today great or what?

COB ASST: It was the best ever!

COB: I was pleased and there was so much applause from the Taiwanese. They love me in Taiwan.

COB Asst: They love you so much they want to build shrines to you.

COB: Great! Have ’em build the shrines! I need more shrines built in my honor besides the Flag building and all of the Ideal Orgs!

COB: Hey Lou, who was that SP wog journalist outside? Hasn’t he attacked Scientology before?

COB ASST: I think his name is Bryan Seymour, something like that. OSA has a 5,000 page dossier on that SP!

COB: What is the Bunker saying today? Didja look?

COB ASST: They’re saying there were only 500 people.

COB: $#@^%&*P())~!!! They can’t even count those stupid degraded beings!!! There were at least 10,000 people!!!

COB ASST: I would say more like 25,000 people!

COB: At least 25,000. Tell Sugg at Freedom to make the headline read “25,000 Scientologists and invited guests listen to COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige open the largest Ideal Org on the Planet! Thunderous applause followed his every word!” And I want lots and lots of close up photos of me! Dozens of close ups!

COB ASST: Got it sir! Dozens of close ups! And the text should read, “Highest ever unprecedented demand for Scientology in Australia as COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige leads the Church to another banner year of straight up and vertical expansion!”

COB: Yes, that’s it! Highest ever stratospheric… people clamoring for Scientology… David Miscavige leads the planet to a Scientology Renaissance — and have Sugg throw in Danny Sherman’s line about the front porch of infinity!

COB ASST: Yes sir!

COB: Lou, my glass isn’t going to refill itself with scotch. Hit me again….