False Data Spreader

Thanks to improved technology, the new False Data Spreader 47X from Psych Industries — the trusted name in Psychiatric Suppression supplies and implanting equipment for over 150 years — works 1500% faster than previous models! False data about Scientology can now be spread over entire communities and neighborhoods in hours and not days!

And Psych’s new False Data 9000 mix is rich in lies, suppression, enturbulative facts, rumors, innuendoes, and even wrong double datums about Scientology! Designed to kill false data stripping and other Scientology processes, False Data 9000 is impervious to the Warehouse Mark VIII e-meter.

This new mix is so good that SMERSH has already ordered 5,000 rails cars of False Data 9000 to handle Europe in its planned Spring Offensive 2018 against Scientology!

The False Data Spreader 47X is in stock and available on Amazon, at Costco, and other leading wog retailers. Psychs and other mental health professionals receive a 25% courtesy discount!

Big Dick’s Scientology Success Affirmations

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Success affirmations written by Richard “Big Dick” Bongo. Valley OTC Chairman and owner of Bongo Telex Services.

* My failed purposes have failed in their purposes to stop me. Hence, I am becoming more prosurvival everyday.

* For Scientology Volunteer Ministers, a disaster is an opportunity waiting to happen. Grab your camera, get on a plane, and fly to the scene of disasters! Ignore the SP’s who call this ambulance chasing.

* A large donation to the IAS is greater than any Ethics action pending against me.

* My need for a replacement hip is a just a consideration. I am greater than the mechanics of the MEST universe. My hip is feeling much better after each Solo session.

* I do not owe a shitload in back taxes. If I do not give this problem any attention units, the IRS will go away.

* One’s IAS status must go in before the Tech can go in.

* Nothing in life can stop an OT. Except for an SP declare.

* The Psychs are just a mocked up identity like BT’s. Except the Psychs are more real, more solid, and can be used for fundraising purposes by Scientology.

* The first to talk walks. Do I turn in my fellow OT’s on this mail order hustle we are running? Of course I do. This is survival for me.

Why Does Tom Cruise Keep Leaving Scientology and Coming Back?

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Tom Cruise leaves Scientology every few years but then he always comes back.

Why?

Because the rumors are true: We in Scientology have all the dirt on Tom Cruise. We won’t publicly admit this, but this is how Scientology actually works.

Mark C. Rathbun: OMG! The Martians Are After Me!

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There are covert operations being run on me by the troika and their financiers! I can tell because there were tire tracks on the road by the gas station that weren’t there last week! This happened because I wouldn’t take Leah’s blank check to be the star of her television show and write my own ticket! And I would’ve won the Emmy and not Leah! That Emmy was really mine but the troika made sure Leah won it and not me!

And Scientology is the cleanest organization in the entire USA. There is no abuse of any kind in Scientology. I know because I was IG/RTC and ran Fair Game programs for decades. There was never any abuse, intimidation, dirty trick, judge tampering, or spying under my watch. No sir! We never fucked people over, destroyed evidence, spied on people, or did anything bad.

Annie Tidman almost escaped until I caught her at the airport. She came back to three years of torture into the RPF until she was crushed. She later died a horrible death of lung cancer in captivity. But here’s the thing: I saved her from becoming part of the ASC!

Everything is perfect in Scientology. But one day I got on my motorcycle and blew. Actually, I went undercover to expose the ASC. I fooled everyone. And now I’m the only who can help. I’m the only one who can expose the ASC because I was it’s leader. The ASC has to be stopped because Scientology. That’s why. Scientology is not a cult. I know because I was in Scientology for a long time. The ASC is a cult. I know because David Miscavige tells me what to think and what to say. I was real bad off until COB helped me. Now I’m better.

I repeatedly transcended Scientology and have become an ascended spiritual master. Now if y’all excuse me I need to go back into my trance state. There is more to be channeled. Stay tuned!

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Get the SP!

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Dad was driving the family’s Oldsmobile Vista-Cruiser when he spotted the SP in the crosswalk. Dad accelerated hard, and, with a hard-fixed Scientology glare, aimed the gleaming 5,000 pounds of Detroit steel at the SP. The pistons of the mighty 279 hp GM V8 pushed the car to 97mph. Vast Magellanic clouds were kicked up from the streets as the automobile became a machine of lethal Scientology justice.

“Get the SP Dad!” yelled OSA Cadet Jimmy, aged 7, in the backseat.

“Get the bastard!” shouted Mom from the front passenger seat.

The SP tried to flee the hurtling behemoth, but Dad maneuvered expertly on a set of sturdy Good Year radials he had purchased only the week before with his hefty IAS commission check.

The SP was hit hard and thrown 200 feet through the plate glass window of the Buick dealership on the corner of 4th Street and Insane. 86,000 different delusions went through the SP’s mind as he experienced permanent exteriorization.

******

“He’s dead Jim,” said Detective Wendy Delusion to her partner Detective Jim Bongo.

“Well he was an SP and so he had it coming to him. There’s no crime here,” replied Detective Bongo.

Jimmy was given a Jr. SP Hunters Detective’s badge. Dad was given an award by Mayor Cleveland Harrison III. Clearwater was safe once again.

RTC Confidential Memo to COB: Super Bowl Ad Analysis

Delirious

Dear Sir,

Your Super Bowl ad was super-fantastic. Our tracking data shows that over five billion people responded positively to the ad. These billions of people now have a favorable impression of Scientology.

Telexes congratulating you for your genius and brilliance are pouring in from world leaders all over the globe. These world leaders are all asking how they can license your Super Bowl ad tech. Somalia, Chad, and Libya are particularly interested in using your PR ad tech to help improve their imagine.

And of course it goes without saying that Scientology will need thousands more Ideal Orgs to keep up with the expected massive inflow of raw meat into the existing Orgs. LRH in Green Vol 2 informs us that we can expect to see the results of a massive PR effort in six weeks. Thus, we should be booming in mid-March. Staff is recommending that 100,000,000 new sets of Basics be printed immediately by Bridge Publications to handle the expected massive inflow of raw meat.

The tide is turning sir. You have confronted and shattered all of the remaining SP’s on the planet and now it is all green lights from here to eternity.

ML,

Ken Delusion
Commanding Officer
Department of Highest Evers Department
Religious Technology Center
Mail Boxes R US, Box 51
San Jacinto, CA

Tom Cruise’s Escape from Scientology Thwarted by OSA Special Forces!

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Tom Cruise yesterday tried to escape from Scientology’s ultra-secret compound in Trementina, New Mexico. The 55 year old actor bolted from his cell, ran across the tarmac, and grabbed onto the side fuselage door of a departing Scientology Airbus A400M.

A pair of RTC x-wing fighters belonging to OSA Special Forces Air Wing #9 were scrambled. The lead x-wing zapped Tom Cruise with a tractor beam and hauled him back to Trementina Base. Cruise is now undergoing extensive security checking in an ecclesiastical reform center. The actor is obviously harboring evil purposes to destroy Scientology and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige. We in RTC will find Tom Cruise’s crimes. Let this serve as a lesson to anyone Scientologist who is thinking of escaping: Scientology will capture and punish you!

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