How to Determine if a Scientologist is in Good Standing with the Church of Scientology

All Scientologists are like Schrödinger’s cat in the box: They are simultaneously in good standing and not in good standing with the Church. If a radioactive legal particle adverse to the Church appears, the flask inside the box is broken and suppressive acts on the part of the Scientologist named in the legal papers are detected. The box is opened by the IJC and the wave function collapses down into the state in which the Scientologist is not in good standing in with the Church.

In Scientology the designation “In Good Standing With the Church” remains governed at all times by the Scientology Uncertainty Principle. This principle states that a Scientologist is only as valuable as he or she can continuously donate money to Scientology and never become a legal or PR problem. However, the Scientologist can never know if they have donated enough money or have become a legal or PR problem.

All Scientology certs and awards are also governed by the Scientology Uncertainty Principle and thus, the wave function of certs and awards can suddenly collapse down into an outcome in which all certs and awards are cancelled.

It is only possible to know a Scientologist’s level on the Bridge or their standing with the Church. One cannot know both. One can know, for example, if a Scientologist is a Clear or an OT but that does not tell you if they are in good standing with the Church or a declared SP. Not even the Scientologist knows. Only the IJC knows and, even then, the IJC only knows what COB tells him he may or may not know. Again, this is the Scientology Uncertainty Principle at work.

“In Good Standing” therefore remains, at all times, a purely quantum mechanical probability governed by the laws of legal and PR interactions within the seemingly oddball system of Scientology metaphysics. As Ken Delusion himself has said, “If you claim to understand Scientology then you don’t.”

Scientologist Joy Villa and her Trump Dress Rated on the Tone Scale

joy-villaWhat are we to make of Scientologist Joy Villa’s Trump dress that she wore on the Grammy red carpet?

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige, the top technical terminal in Scientology, said the aberration was not with the dress, but rather with Joy Villa herself.

Accordingly, Mr. Miscavige rated Joy Villa on Scientology’s Tone Scale as follows:


Scientology agrees to help Jesus defeat Satan

“The Church of Scientology today agreed to use its upper level technology to help Jesus defeat Satan once and for all,” announced spokesman Ken Delusion. “Our work to end the endless Manichaeism of failed Monotheism was done in exchange for all Christians signing up for Scientology courses. YHWH is expected to make a formal announcement this Saturday ordering all Christians to comply with his sovereign will. Accordingly, if you’re a Christian you will soon be receiving your ‘Welcome to Scientology’ kit at your home Church. We look forward to seeing you in our Ideal Orgs!”

Scientology leader David Miscavige is the greatest spiritual leader in history


Scientology leader David Miscavige is the greatest spiritual leader in history. He is greater than Jesus, Buddha, etc.

The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience!

So many Scientologists wish they had served with the Founder aboard the Flagship Apollo. One of the most celebrated ecclesiastical ceremonies aboard the Apollo was to be overboarded, i.e. seized and thrown over the side of the ship in stark terror for your transgressions. Well now you can have this experience at Flag Land Base.

The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience begins when you’re suddenly and unexpectedly approached by three burly Sea Org Ethics Officers. These ruthless toughs seize you bodily and mercilessly toss you overboard as they curse you in the most obscene and profane ways for being out ethics on all dynamics. It’s a 60 foot (20 meter) vertical drop into a large and very deep saltwater tank whose swirling and freezing waters will challenge you to breathe as you fight for your very life! $3250 donation. If you’re a weakling and actually need to be rescued there will be an additional $7500 donation assessed against your monies on account. Waivers must be signed holding FSO harmless from all injuries up to and including death.


“This can’t be happening to me at the happiest place on Earth!” you’ll be thinking as you suddenly realize you’re actually drowning in real life while experiencing the terrifying onset of hypothermia in the freezing and turbulent waters. As the stinging and freezing saltwater sears your lungs and you fade in and out consciousness, you realize that without the Sea Org rescue team you will be dead in a few minutes. As your life hangs in the balance, the Sea Org rescue team informs you that you must up your IAS status and donate $40,000 to TWTH global salvage campaigns as a condition of being rescued. Otherwise, so what? Go pick up a new body.


Should you succumb, please be assured that we in RTC and all other Scientologists in good standing will blame you for pulling it in. Your body will placed into a weighted burlap sack. Your remains will then be transported out into the Gulf of Mexico in the dark of night on a skiff by Cuban fisherman. There, you will dumped into the murky depths and any memory of you will be immediately and forever forgotten in the eternal and golden travertine halls of FLB.

President of Mars declares: Mars is not paying for Scientology’s Gigantic Galactic Space Wall!”


Scientology Cosmonaut Monique Yingling

The Church of Scientology’s top wog lawyer Monique Yingling was launched into outer space this morning at 0815 hours from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.

Scientology Cosmonaut Yingling was sent aloft in a vintage 1961 Vostok 3KA space capsule. The craft was purchased with an IAS grant, and at a bargain price, from the Roscosmos State Corporation for Space Activities (Государственная корпорация по космической деятельности).

Yingling was fired off on a Mission to the Mars Implanting Station by Fleet Admiral David Miscavige. Yingling is to serve as Scientology’s Ambassador to Mars where she will relay Scientology’s many complaints against the Red Planet.

“Scientology’s trade deficit with the Mars now stands at $65 billion per year,” complained Scientology Minister of Trade Mr. Ken Delusion. “And Fleet Admiral Miscavige won’t stand for it!,” Delusion insisted. “After all, what does Mars do for Scientology except send us trillions of undocumented body thetans every year? Worse, Mars expects Scientology OT’s to endlessly pay for Solo auditing these undocumented BT’s — and many of these BT’s are implanted criminals and rapists who don’t even know who they really are!”

“Meanwhile criminal Martian drug dealers continue to flood the Earth with Psych drugs via the porous transdimensional Lunar border! This has to stop!,” Delusion roared. “And it will stop! Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is going to build a gigantic galactic space wall around the Earth and the Martians are going to pay for it!”

Martian president P. Murt Dlanod cancelled next week’s planned meeting with Fleet Admiral David Miscavige at Scientology’s International Base. “Mars is not paying for Scientology’s gigantic galactic space wall,” declared President Dlanod.

Those ungrateful Martians!

I’m a Scientologist at my Org but a Wog everywhere else


Dr. Frank Wonderman

A guest column by Dr. Frank Wonderman, Executive Director of Parishioner Interrogation & Surveillance Services

The recent 1,000+ parishioner interrogations, or sec checks, my department has conducted revealed a shocking fact: Fully 95% of Scientologists will only admit to being Scientologists when they are in their Orgs!

Everywhere else these theetie-wheetie, dilettante, no-confront Scientologists pretend to be Wogs so they can “blend in” and not be ridiculed for paying a fortune to belong to a strange group of lunatic cultists led by a violent narcissistic named David Miscavige.

While these perceptions are utterly false, for indeed Scientology is the most ethical and sane group to appear on  this planet in the last 75,000,000 years, the more important set of alternate facts at work are these:

  • We as Scientologists have never been closer to making planetary clearing a reality
  • There has never been a better time to call yourself a Scientologist
  • Scientology is now 50% better than it was before GAT II

It is true. With the release of OTIX and OTX we are now very close to clearing the planet. And of course, as COB has stated, we need to make every Org and every Continent Ideal. We also need to shatter all suppression and blow all the stops to planetary clearing.

All of this costs money and so COB needs you to up your IAS status now. Accordingly, the Reverend Doctor Alfreddie Johnson is touring all of the Orgs to encourage Scientologists to up their IAS statuses. Up your status today and you will receive many special trophies, medals, and fancy gold lapel pins. These glistening prizes will, once again, surely make you proud to be a Scientologist.