The “David Miscavige for President in 2020” movement received additional impetus today from the millions of Detroiters who were honored that Mr. Miscavige opened a badly-needed Scientology Ideal Org in their community.
“Detroit can finally get Scientology auditing,” said resident Mac McDooley. “Things are really going to change for the better in Detroit. All the endemic crime, violence, and poverty will end now that Scientology is here!”
Unfairly persecuted and attacked for being greedy and soul-destroying cults that protect sexual predators and are led by insane and vicious leaders, the Church of Scientology and the Watchtower Bible & Tract Society today merged to become the Watchtower Bible & Scientology Society.
“The goal of the WB&SS is to serve as the Herald of Ron’s Presence,” said Ken Delusion, a member of the new Governing Body. “We of the WB&SS also seek to destroy our enemies from off the face of the Earth.”
“As for the 144,000 chosen who will enter the Heavenly Org, we of the Governing Body have received a divine revelation that only WB&SS Archangel Patrons who have donated at least $10,000,000 will enter Heaven as members of the Elect OT Overseers. Everyone else will receive the honor of serving the Elect.”
“Scientology leader Generalissimo David Miscavige has placed his name before the US Senate as a wild-card-last-minute nominee to be next Justice to the Supreme Court,” said Scientology VP of Public Affairs Mr. Dag Diego.
“We in Scientology have collected an incredible amount of, ahh, certain… highly revealing information… on every US Senator.
“It would be very unfortunate if there was a massive release of this information online before Mr. Miscavige was voted on to be the next Supreme Court Justice.
Scientology Security Minister Mr. Dag Diego today confirmed that safety fences have been erected around all Scientology Orgs. “This has been done to protect Scientologists,” said Commander Diego.
“Scientology can ill afford to allow marauding wogs to step foot on our property. Further, we cannot allow Scientologists to escape when our scriptures clearly require them to route out of Scientology per policy.”
Asked why so much razor wire was required on the safety fences, Commander Diego replied, “The Founder noted that the universe is based upon enormous quantity. Therefore we decided we need an enormous quantity of razor wire in order to comply with the Founder’s wisdom.”
“Allen Stanfield aka the shitposter ‘Alanzo’ has a very bad medical condition in which is head is permanently lodged up his ass,” said Dr. Shirley Dye of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.
“Allen has suffered from this condition for decades. As a result, his spine is permanently fused into this contortion.
“It is inoperable,” said Dr. Dye. “What Allen needs are some breathing tubes surgically implanted into his rectum. This is a $50,000 surgery and Alanzo needs your help.
“Allen will never be mentally right,” conceded Dr. Dye. “And in fact he became a shitposter and a mental case as a result of the long-term oxygen starvation to his brain. Poor Allen has had to breathe in the rancid stench of own foulness for decades.
“Nevertheless, we at the Hollywood Religious Hospital are humanitarians and want to help. Please send in a donation today to help Alanzo.
Scientology OT VIII and IAS Premier Luminary Don Dissemination was in a cold sweat. He’d just robbed a bank at gunpoint and was fleeing the scene. As Don rounded the curve in the road, the police had set up a roadblock. Don, acting gangster style, threw his loaded 9mm out of the passenger window into the bushes.
The police pointed their weapons at Don’s head. Game over. Don threw his hands out the driver’s window and surrendered. The police dragged him out of his car, placed him face down on the pavement, cuffed and searched him. $185,000 in cash was in the bag Don had used to rob the bank
As a police woman looked in Don’s wallet she saw his IAS membership card stamped with “Premier Luminary” in gold leaf. “Why didn’t you tell us you were a Scientology Premier Luminary?” asked LAPD Sgt. Nancy Magneto.
“Let him go! He’s a Scientologist!” Sgt. Magneto told her officers. The LAPD officers began to laugh, uncuffed Don, and placed him back in his car. Officer Dag Diego handed Don his 9mm that he’d found in the bushes.
“Next time you do a bank job just let us know in advance. We’ll make sure we’re on the other side of town,” Sgt. Magneto chuckled.
“Thanks!” Don replied. With VGI’s and an F/N as he drove away, Don noted how all of his postulates to make a clean getaway worked today. This was because he kept KSW fully in.