Flag C/S: Handling David Miscavige Engrams

The latest technical research at Flag indicates that Scientologists are too overcharged to handle David Miscavige engrams in session. In 90% of cases, the e-meter blew up.

The correct handling is to gradiently audit smaller engrams such as IAS fundraising cycles.

If IAS fundraising is too hot, then begin with Ideal Org ARC breaks.

If Ideal Orgs are also overcharged, then have pc touch the wall for a few thousand hours.

Do Not Murder Your Friends or Family

Sane advice from Scientology’s non-religious moral code The Way to Happiness:


There are many practical reasons for not murdering your friends, your family, or yourself being murdered.

Just one example: A murderous rampage could lead to a standoff with police in which you find yourself barricaded in a dead friend or family member’s home where there is no e-meter. This leaves you unable to solo audit. Then what? Your NOTs case goes into fullblown restim. You begin freewheeling through your implants. This is a departure from the ideal scene you’ve worked so hard to create.

Worse, during tense negotiations with police you can easily use up all of your mobile data. This leads to a huge bill for extra mobile data that could easily be $150 or more.

Psychiatrist Caught Trying to Smuggle New Top Secret E-Meter Out of Scientology Org!

“When word got around that Scientology had a new top-secret e-meter that could instantly cure-all forms of psychological distress and thereby eliminate the need for Psych drugs, Big Pharma was terrified! Big Pharma knew that Scientology was poised to put Big Pharma and its army of Psychiatrists out of business!”

“Accordingly,” said Scientology Chief Inspector Bobby Ray Bigly, “Big Pharma sent in an undercover agent into our Toledo Ideal Org to steal one of the new Quantum Mark XV meters.”

“The Psych literally shoved the new meter up his backside in order to conceal it. However, OSA Security caught him as he was painfully waddling out of the Org. An x-ray showed the meter lodged in his rectum. The Psych tried to flee but obviously didn’t get very far.”

“The suspect was arrested without incident and has been charged with the attempted theft of a patented religious artifact. The e-meter had to be removed surgically; it was not a pretty sight.”

Freewinds Lengthened to Accommodate the Enormous Demand for Scientology

“After two years of work at a cost of $90 million USD, the MV Freewinds has been successfully lengthened to 402 meters (1,319 feet),” announced Captain Mike Napoleon.

“The ship will now be able to accommodate the more than 100,000 Scientologists expected to be granted eligibility for OT VIII in the next twelve months. This boom is a result of COB having created Scientology TV.”

Scientology: Now Hiring Really Bad Elvis Impersonators as Fundraisers!


Scientology is now hiring really bad Elvis impersonators as fundraisers. This is a commission only position and you must pay your own expenses. Pay is 3% of the take.

The fate of Earth hangs in the balance. This is why Scientology needs really bad Elvis impersonators to raise money.” — L. Ron Hubbard.

Mark Zuckerberg Apologizes to Scientology; Promises to Delete all Entheta on Scientology from Facebook

“Following a closed-door Serious Reality Adjustment Session with Scientology Pontiff David Miscavige and his ecclesiastical lawyers, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg publicly apologized to the Church of Scientology,” announced Ted Torquemada, the Chief Inquisitor of the Scientology religion.

“Mr. Zuckerberg’s change of heart, his repentance, and his promise to purge all entheta and Black PR about Scientology on Facebook was helped by the fact that a group of twelve very dedicated Russian Scientologists did some digging and found certain very unsavory information on Mr. Zuckerberg’s private habits and secret associates in what is clearly the Facebook Cartel.”

“For their dedicated work,” said Ted Torquemada, “the following Russian Scientologists in the Main Intelligence Directorate of the General Staff (Unit 74555) are very highly commended and have each received a one million dollar cash bonus from COB:

Mikhail Bystrov
Mikhail Burchik
Aleksandra Krylova
Anna Bogacheva
Sergey Polozov
Maria Bovda
Robert Bovda
Dzheykhun Ogly
Vadim Podkopaev
Gleb Vasilchenko
Irina Kaverzina
Vladimir Venkov

“Twitter be handled next by Unit 74555,” Ted Torquemada darkly intoned. “Jack Dorsey has certain… predilections… that would harm Twitter’s stock if this information came to light.”

Scientology Leader David Miscavige Comments on Tom Cruise’s New Movie Mission Impossible Fallout

“How does this glorified stuntman Tom Cruise get such monster stats for his stupid new movie?” asked David Miscavige. “Look at these stats! The opening weekend of Mission Impossible — Fallout is on track to rake in $135,000,000 globally!

“Christ on an e-meter!” screamed Miscavige, “I spent $100,000,000 and four years building an entire Scientology TV network and only have 26,943 suckass followers on Twitter after four months to show for all my work! What the hell is wrong? Who is sabotaging Scientology? Who is the who?”

“Sir,” said Ken Delusion, “Our RTC investigation has shown that the culprits behind Scientology’s suckass ratings are Scientologists themselves. These CICS DB’s are all counter-intentioned to you! Scientologists themselves are the criminals! You singlehandedly built these ingrates a television network and yet these SP’s can’t even be bothered to watch it because they’re too busy watching the new Mission Impossible!”

“Then declare everyone in the entire Church of Scientology an SP except for you and me!” COB ordered Delusion.

“Even Tom Cruise?”

“Especially Tom Cruise! Declare him an SP first! Cruise has committed the biggest crime ever and that is daring to upstage me with his oh-so-fancy new movie! Cruise didn’t even offer me a part or shoot a few scenes at Ideal Orgs! Tom Cruise treats me like chopped liver!” screamed COB.

“All Tom Cruise cares about these days is entertaining wogs, going on talk shows, and making money! And after all I’ve done to make him the movie star he is! Where is the thanks I get? Where?”