Scientology Warning: Marijuana Was Created Eons Ago by Alien Botanical Psychiatrists! Don’t Use Xenu’s Weed!

Scientologist Dr. John Mappin educates and warns the wog public why no one should ever use Xenu’s weed a/k/a marijuana:

Xenu’s Weed was created eons ago by mal-intentioned botanical psychiatrists! Here are raw meat wogs after smoking one marijuana at a rave; this is what Xenu’s Weed will do to you:

The only hope for people who smoke Xenu’s Weed is Narconon!

Scientology Sizzling Summer Special: Buy a Copy of Dianetics & Receive a Free DVD of Gotti!


How can you lose with L. Ron Hubbard and John Gotti? They go together like money and laundering! Quantities limited to stock on hand, which is to say we in Scientology have to unload 5,000,000 surplus copies of both.

David Miscavige Wardrobe Malfunction Leads to a Morals Charge; Big Pharma Behind the Plot!

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“It’s not what it looks like,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Brigadier General was merely helping COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with a wardrobe malfunction.”

“That this was escalated into a morals charge of public lewdness and the arrest of both men by the authorities in Barbados is a disgrace!” roared Delusion.

“Big Pharma was clearly behind this attempt to embarrass the world’s greatest ecclesiastical leader as he was being awarded the Velveeta Cheese Company’s Medal for Ease of Spreadability in the religious products sold by we in Scientology.”

 

Sizzling Summer Scientology Bonus Offers!

Special Scientology Bonus Offers:

1. Prepay for your OT levels today and receive 250,000 free fake Twitter followers! You can be a theetie-wheetie dilettante public Scientologist with lots of fake followers just like Joy Villa or Stacy Francis!

You can use your fake followers to attack “that show” on “that network” by “her.”

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2. If you’re an OT and you join staff you’ll receive 2,500,000 free fake Twitter followers! Imagine the impact you can have on Scientology’s fourth dynamic salvage campaigns with that many fake followers!

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Church of Scientology Reaches Out to Incels

Incels — involuntarily celibates — are a subclass of male losers who lurk on the dark web. Women avoid incels for many reasons, but mostly because incels are racist, angry, dull, unattractive, women-hating misogynists who have no desirable qualities. Derided as permavirgins, incels are doomed to a 2Dless existence.

However, the good news for Incels is that Scientology can do something about it!

Scientology can even help George Ingram Insailes, the King of Incels.

NORMIES & CHADS

As opposed to Incels, there are Normies and Chads. According to Incel culture, Normies are able to date women and have relationships whereas Chads are super studs. Thanks to Scientology, Tom Cruise is a Chad! In fact, Tom Cruise is Chad Thundercock, the King of Chads!

Tom Cruise is Scientology’s Chad Thundercock!

Scientology’s secret OT voodoo can turn even the most pathetic Incel into a Chad Thundercock!

The answer is to do Scientology’s Super Power Rundown at Flag Land Base in Clearwater, Florida.

Become a Chad Thundercock today! Do Super Power! You have nothing to lose but your virginity and $250,000!

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Incel and permavirgin Doug Dweebner of Cedar Rapids, Iowa went from Incel to a Chad Thundercock after doing Scientology Super Power!!! You can too!!!

California Highway Patrol Shuts Down Scientology “Danger Process” in Downtown Los Angeles

“The new Scientology Danger Process calls for Scientologists to hang upside down for twelve hours over the 110 freeway in Downtown Los Angeles while suspended from a rope,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“If the Scientologist weakens and loses their grip on the rope, he or she will plunge to the freeway below and be brutally crushed to death by the thousands of cars hurtling by at high speeds,” Delusion noted.

“During the initial launch of the Danger Process, the California Highway Patrol intervened and shut it down. In doing so, the CHP trampled on Scientology’s freedom of religion,” Delusion complained. “As a result, we in Scientology will be suing the CHP for five billion dollars. Scientologists have a right to practice their religion in whatever way we choose and wog governments be damned!”

OMFG!!! GLOBAL WARNING TO ALL SCIENTOLOGISTS!!! HILL 10 FLAPPING FLAP!!! DANGER!!!

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The death-like quietude of Downtown Clearwater was shattered yesterday afternoon when a Wholetrack SP Psych Implanter was spotted seated on a park bench in a community park owned by we in the Church of Scientology!

This posed an immediate dire and deadly threat to all Scientology organizations and Scientologists globally! All of the resources of the Federal, State, and Local law enforcement — and the National Guard and FEMA — were ordered by OSA to be directed to handle this situation now now now! The United Nations was ordered to get involved!

The 2001 restraining order on this SP was in the red volume and was, as always, on standby. The Clearwater police were summoned. There was great enturbulation inside all Scientology organizations globally. Emergency telexes were sent to COB RTC, CMO INT, WDC INT, OSA INT, CO FLB, and even the ship was notified just in case. The Class V Orgs and Missions were not notified as one never rewards a downstat.

As the air raid sirens sounded across Flag Land Base, all public Scientologists at Flag were ordered off course. All Sea Org were ordered off post. All Scientologists were evacuated into the giant basement of the Flag Building. As Scientologists donned their full body condoms and respirators, the five meter thick steel blast doors of the basement were slammed shut thereby safely entombing them. The emergency generators were started.

Surely Mark Bunker’s appearance in our park signaled the imminent Marcab Mass Landing! Given this very real threat of marauding Marcabs, Sara Heller of OSA couldn’t possibly step outside into the daylight to confront and shatter suppression. The situation was far too dangerous.

The threat eventually passed and the death-like quietude of Downtown Clearwater that we in Scientology have worked for decades to cultivate was eventually restored.

Should an event of this extraordinary threat and danger recur, Flag Land Base will once again sound the air raid sirens! We would rather have Scientologists incapable than dead.