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#SPYGATE

Taryn Teutsch Was Not Trying to Pull a Scientology Con Job

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Scientology Minister of Disinformation Mr. Usman Bello today assured reporters that Taryn Teutsch was not trying to pull some kind of sleazy Scientology con job when she posted a photo of herself with Gretchen Carlson on her Twitter account.

“Although it appeared that Taryn was trying to create the impression that Ms. Carlson supports her efforts, this was a simple misunderstanding due to a lack of word clearing on Twitter.”

Mr. Bello further insisted that L. Ron Hubbard cancelled Fair Game in 1968 and that Scientology no longer practices Fair Game. “Trying to get someone fired from their job is not Fair Game,” said Captain Bello. “Rather, it merely reflects Scientology’s pure hatred, spite, and our pathological and uncontrollable need for revenge. Our inherent viciousness has nothing to do with Fair Game.”

Mr. Bello went on to complain that the joking and degrading website 419.Eater was a bad, bad, bad wog website that has seriously harmed Scientology’s income from its Nigerian operations.

Stock Photo Scientologists Welcome Newest Member Jonas Hammond

Stock Photo Scientologist Jonas Hammond hails from Stockphoto City, a large town on the internet. If Jonas were a real person he would enjoy riding motorcycles.

Stock Photo Scientologists Executive Director Alicia Selverson today welcomed our newest nonexistent member Jonas Hammond. “Jonas is already wearing his hat and stepped in to defend Real Scientologist Taryn Teutsch on her Facebook page,” said Selverson.

“We Stock Photo Scientologists are here to help Taryn Teutsch on her Fair Game rampage of lunacy and lies,” averred Selverson. “The beauty of stock photos is that we, like Taryn, have absolutely no morals and no need for wog weaknesses such as truthfulness. We really are quite horrible — and that’s what makes us such great Scientologists!”

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Scientologist Taryn Teutsch is busy, busy, busy as a fake SJW.

The Church of Stock Photo Scientologists (CSPS) is a church within the ecclesiastical hierarchy of the churches of Scientology. CSPS has grown over 3000% in the past year alone as real Scientologists continue to blow in alarming numbers due to Marcab silent mind control radio putting blow thoughts into their heads.

Scientology Outsources Part of Its Heavy Workload to the Catholic Church

“Due to the highest ever straight up and vertical expansion resulting from Scientology TV, Scientology is now outsourcing some of its BT exorcism workload to the Catholic Church,” said spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The Catholics have been in the exorcism business since the time of Jesus,” Delusion noted. “And the exorcism business has never been better or more lucrative than today.”

“Exorcisms are up in the Catholic Church and Scientology by over 47,000%. What this means is that Psych drugs aren’t working because the real cause of all modern problems are demonic body thetans,” concluded Delusion. “SP’s can mock what Scientology teaches about how BT’s came to be, but SP mockery doesn’t change the fact of what happened 75,000,000 years ago. It’s all true and quite savage and ghastly.”

“Only Scientology can help,” Delusion emphasized. “But until we get 150,000 more GAT II auditors trained, we’re using Catholic priests on an interim basis.”

Scientology Sues to Keep St. Hill Sewage Flowing Freely into Streams!


“We in the Church of Scientology are suing East Grinstead for the right to keep dumping St. Hill’s raw sewage into local streams and waterways,” said St. Hill spokesman Reverend Reginald Stenchworthy.

“This is what Scientology does: We dump raw sewage into the lives of our parishioners and the world itself. If people don’t like what we do then we shall sue the shite of them! This is the essence of Scientology!”

“The Freewinds dumps sewage in Bonaire; St. Hill dumps in East Grinstead; and the Church of Scientology International dumps Ideal Orgs all over the place. The unwashed wog public will just have to deal with it!” roared Reverend Stenchworthy.

“Now on the other hand, burning Scientology books in a gigantic conflagration is a blasphemous and compulsively exhibitionist Nazi-Satanic activity that will surely lead to WWIII. And that is why the Reverend Pat Harney has had to protest this activity in the strongest possible terms in a tersely-written letter,” noted Reverend Stenchworthy.

Scientology & North Korea: A Bright Future Ahead

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Following their historic meetings for bilateral talks on slave labor, sleep deprivation, torture, beatings, malnutrition, extortion, blackmail, money laundering and other methods that are vital to totalitarian regimes, David Miscavige and Kim Jong Un agreed to an exchange that helps both parties. The North Korean leader agreed to supply 5,000 workers for Scientology’s Sea Org in exchange for basic foodstuffs including fifty million “Blinky Yingling” muffins and ten million metric tons of rice and beans.

“Kim Jung Un will be staying in Los Angeles for a few weeks to do his Purification Rundown at the Celebrity Centre. Following his Purif, the North Korean leader will begin basic Scientology courses,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

Meet a Scientologist: Thorsten Von Overgaard Handling Overpopulation by Selling Bags Made from Human Babies!

“My bags are as smooth as a baby’s bottom because they are made from babies.”

Scientologists care about global problems such as pollution, drugs, and overpopulation. And that is why Scientologist Thorsten Von Overgaard is selling a line of designer bags made from human babies.

“We harvest the babies humanely,” said Thorsten Von Overgaard. “I want everyone to understand that. A quick injection. They feel no pain.”

“Overpopulation is a planetary danger and so this is a win-win,” Overgaard stated. “My company reduces excess population and my wealthy clientele is able to enjoy the smoothest luxury bags possible.”

“With prices starting at $40,000, the Von Overgaard bags are prized by Russian oligarchs, Washington DC lobbyists, Third World dictators, and others who have no moral qualms about owning the finest in luxury goods.”

“Available exclusively at the Von Overgaard Shop, we accept only discreet inquiries and cash in advance. And yes, just like the Church of Scientology, we offer no refunds.”