Hillary Completes OT III at Flag!

Hillary had problems at Flag with the OT III materials, but once we handled her crashing misunderstood on BT’s she F/N’d and attested to having completed the level.

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Scientific Evidence of BT’s Discovered!

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Scientology researcher Dr. Kool de Menthol today announced an historic, epic, and planetary-changing scientific breakthrough that conclusively proves the claim of Scientology: There are body thetans surrounding the host thetan.

Ordered by COB to perform scientifically-based research on exec strata to find the why for the massive international statcrash — a statcrash now in its eleventh consecutive year — Dr. Kool de Menthol employed a German made wide-field WWII-era Horton x-ray machine (model 851) to take panographic x-rays to see what sort of debris, radiation, shrapnel, wrong data, false computations, motorcycle parts, or implants were lodged inside the thick, banky, and counter-intentioned heads of exec strata members.

The first x-ray taken of ED INT’s head was shocking for it revealed his skull to be surrounded by a cluster of BT’s who are being skulls! The x-ray showed the skull BT’s putting lines and beams into ED INT’s head! Radiocarbon dating confirmed the BT skulls to be 75,000,000 years old (+/- 10,000 years).

The source of ED INT’s aberrated 1.1 conduct and his attempts to destroy Scientology on a planetary basis has now been located and can be handled in session — but only after the ED INT completes his RPF and makes up the damage he has done to the group.

Dr. Kool de Menthol recommends that all Scientologists get their heads examined immediately.

 

The Rev. Dr. David Miscavige: Off Source is the new On Source!

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Speaking today from the set of Nation of Islam Scientology Education (NOISE), at the SMP studios the Reverend Doctor David Miscavige declared, “Off Source is the new On Source!”

Explained the Rev. Dr. Miscavige, “The Tech moves in great arcs and circles across quadrillions of years of time and this is why yesterday’s Off Source inevitably becomes today’s On Source, ergo IAS statuses are the New OTX. Which is to say, positive case gain is possible for the first time in millennia by donating to the IAS.”

“And by way of new Scientology Policy which I myself have just created based upon the Founder’s lost tech, the EP of ecclesiastical embezzling — or otherwise taking money from others to fund your IAS donations — is this: “I promise not to return to crime if I am set free by the police. It was the work of the devil!”

Scientology Super Purification Colon Cleanser

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“If you’re stuck on the toilet, then surely you’ll be stuck on your Bridge as well,” declared Dr. Juan Diego San Kool de Menthol, New OTVIII, three L’s completions, OEC/FEBC with gold star, and Clearwater’s leading colon cleaning expert.

“Itsa technical fact that constipation will leave the Scientologist unsessionable. The only answer is my patented and RTC-approved Scientology Super Purification Colon Cleanser! This product is guaranteed to instantly blow all stops and withholds in the colon.

“Moreover, this product is so good that it actually handles constipation on the wholetrack! All past life constipation engrams are *POW!* gone! At only $1,259.95 for a tw0-week supply, this miraculous all natural herbal treatment will bring about relief from even the most obdurate constipation.

“As can be seen in the before and after photos below, this global ecclesiastical leader was severely constipated, bloated, flatulent and was always stuck in a suppressive valence as a result. Although his staff would not tell him for fear of being beaten or struck about their heads, the leader’s chronic flatulence was far worse than the stench of the portable toilets at a NASCAR race on a hot summer day.

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“Whereupon, after one treatment of Scientology Super Purification Colon Cleanser, this global ecclesiastical leader became uptone and happy. His pants fit better and gone are the embarrassing skid-marks in his pantaloons that had so bedeviled him. You too can have these same miracle results. Order today and receive a free copy of my booklet Super Power Colon Clearing for Clears!

 

An Exciting New Eau de Cologne for IAS Patrons!

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“COB Pompous Ass cologne is redolent of snobbery and elitism and yet has whimsical  undertones of desperation, lies, and impending doom.”  — Perfume & Colognes Weekly

“It smells like ass.” Ricardo Flavio, Colognes of Bologna

“I love it! The scents of aggression, delusion, and inherent self-superiority make it the perfect cologne for obnoxious cultists. Well done COB!” — Damian Bichoff, OT VIII.

“COB the cologne has the strong odor of money obtained by fraud, threat, and duress. The scent reminds me of a mink in distress when the animal exudes that horrible urine-like stench.” — Wanda Jacobs-Puddingstone, London Scent Designs Ltd.

“It’s not like any other cologne… it has the smell of KSW and a strong help flow. This is the cologne that Scientologists should wear to the scene of an accident.” Tom Cruise

“Pompous Ass has a ‘lift the tail of a cow on a warm summer day and smell’ foulness that slams the nostrils and the eyes like a freight train and leaves one gasping for breath. COB is both dreadful and terrifying. What were they thinking? ” — Maggie Percy, Scents of Life Pty.

“Pompous Ass is the pungent cologne hustlers like me wear to mask the smell of bullshit.” — Grant Cardone

“COB Pompous Ass cologne compared very favorably in blind studies with Sex Panther cologne.” — Dr. Juan Diego San Kool de Menthol, Doctor of Cologneology, University of Milan

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David Miscavige Brand Ideal Orgs

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Scientology Selling Debt @ 11.75% Interest

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Beset by liquidity issues related to a five-year stat crash downtrend, the Church of Scientology today announced the sale of subordinated debentures to the tune of $2.5 billion. The minimum buy-in is $1,000,000 so it’s a truly affordable debt.

“Look, Scientology’s cash flow problems are just a short term situation,” declared Scientology International Finance Dictator Mr. Don Brylcreem. “Scientology expects a massive twenty-two billion dollar cash infusion when COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige releases OT IX and OT X.”

“COB’s promise of booming Orgs in the near term makes buying Scientology debt at an unbelievable 11.75% interest rate one of those rare deals where you just can’t lose,” Brylcreem assured investors.

“Sure, the re-release of Battlefield Earth crashed faster than you can score an 8-ball at Narconon, but that was to be expected from those SP’s at Galaxy Press. Seriously, they haven’t gotten a product since 1982 when the first release of Battlefield Earth made the bestseller list — and this was only because Scientologists were forced to buy those 50,00o copies from wog bookstores.”

“But hey, this debt sale is a different product. This is the Church of Scientology and COB is talking OT IX and OT X. COB always gets his product and these new levels are set to release as soon as all Orgs are Ideal. This will happen very soon. We promise.”