Emergency Order to all Scientologists from RTC!

This evening all Scientologists are ordered to report to their Orgs to watch COB’s epic 1993 “The War is Over” event. Failure to report for mandatory viewing will result in an SP Declare. Warning: Any Scientologist caught watching Leah Remini’s A&E show will be beaten, declared, re-beaten, re-declared, overboarded, keelhauled, and may never receive any Scientology services for all of eternity + one billion years.


 

Church of Scientology: We Have Been the Victims of Fake News for Decades!

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Chairman of the Board, Religious Technology Center,  Mr. Dennis Miscavige

“We in the Church of Scientology have been the victims of fake news for decades!” proclaimed Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “These fake news stories about Scientology have been spread by the unholy trinity of Psychiatry, Big Pharma, and the CIA,” Delusion averred.

“Fake news stories about Scientology are constantly planted in the media. These fake new stories accuse Scientology of being a criminal syndicate that employs brainwashing, hypnotism, coercion, isolation, threats, flattery, and even blackmail in order to engage in an alleged systematic wealth extraction scheme that preys upon and exploits emotionally vulnerable people — and particularly celebrities.”

“This is not true,” Delusion affirmed.

“What is true is what’s true for you,” Delusion emphasized. “And what’s true for Scientologists is that Scientology is all about creating a planet without war, crime, or insanity.”

“And if, in order to reach this lofty goal, we in Scientology must engage in war, crime, and insanity why then we are just fighting with fire!”

Scientology’s Open Letter to President-Elect Trump

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November 21, 2016

Religious Technology Center
David Miscavige
UPS Store, PO Box 12
San Jacinto, CA

President-Elect Donald Trump
Trump Tower
New York, NY

Dear Mr. President-Elect Trump,

As a fellow global leader and the Pope  of Scientology, the world’s fastest growing copyrighted religion, I am in a unique position to help you 47x your presidential stats. Please allow me to elucidate just a few of the unique services Scientology can offer you:

* Sec checking your staff several times per day to find the hidden criminals and SP’s who will secretly put counter-intention and sabotage on your lines if they are not ferreted out. Trust me on this. I know just how traitorous staff members can be.

* Having Scientology OSA contractors and MAA’s physically beat the CICS fuck-ups on your staff so that you don’t have to.

* Imprisoning your staff in our RPF religious prisons where they will be subjected to heavy manual labor, sleep deprivation, and thought reform in order to bring them into compliance with your agenda.

* Spying on, stalking, harassing, and Fair Gaming your political opponents.

*Writing long florid speeches that actually say nothing.

*Training NASA astronauts to raise their IQ and reaction times.

* Auditing your cabinet members to the State of Clear and then on to OTVIII. This will allow them to go exterior and operate outside the confines of their physical meat bodies.

All I ask in return Mr. President-Elect is that you sign a series of Executive Orders making it a crime in all 50 states to criticize David Miscavige (me) or Scientology, or to engage in joking & degrading about David Miscavige (me) or Scientology. All television shows, movies, books, and internet postings that are critical of David Miscavige (me) or  Scientology would also become illegal and punishable by a term 0f 327 years in prison and a fine of $50,000,000 per offense.

I am confident that you will embrace my proposal. And may I extend to you and your family my sincere invitation to visit Flag Land Base for some courtesy auditing when you are next in Florida.

ML,

David Miscavige
Royal Imperial Galactic Sovereign and Protector of Galaxies

PS: While I have nothing to do with running the daily affairs of the Church of Scientology, I do act in my capacity as a goodwill ambassador for all of the churches of Scientology in the ecclesiastical hierarchy of Scientology churches.

PSS: To whom in your new administration would I direct my, uh, special Scientology friend’s request for a potential pardon in the event that RICO charges are asserted by Attorney General nominee Mr. Jeff Sessions against my, err, my special Scientology friend and his alleged co-conspirators in an alleged series of crimes?

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This is why we in Scientology do not trust all the Dr. Sickos in Psychiatry!

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David Miscavige Declares Scientology Global Emergency!

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The American Brahmans of SP’s: Lawrence Wright and Alex Gibney were just spotted together outside of Scientology’s Washington DC National Affairs Office!

We in RTC looked on our giant wall map of global domination and noted that these two SP Supremos were shockingly close to the IRS National Headquarters. Surely there is some diabolical plot afoot!

Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has declared a global Scientology emergency. All Scientologists living on the Eastern seaboard of the US are to immediately evacuate to the emergency shelters in Trementina, New Mexico until further notice.

Those Scientologists living west of the Rockies are ordered confined to their homes. All doors are to be locked and window shades drawn. All televisions, computers, cellphones, and any other devices capable of accessing the internet, television, or radio signal are to be unplugged and locked away in closets; this to prevent any possible exposure to potential entheta.

Scientology Offering Emergency Auditing to Handle Engrams Caused by Donald Trump

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When it was announced on live television that Donald Trump had won the US presidential election, billions of people around the world immediately collapsed into alternating bouts of uncontrollable  rage, sobbing, and abject despair — this was particularly true of celebrities in Hollywood and New York.

In response to this unprecedented humanitarian crisis, Scientology churches immediately began offering emergency crisis auditing to handle engrams caused by Donald Trump.

The Trump Crisis Rundown is priced according to the severity of a person’s Trump engrams:

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47 New Scientology Implanting Stations Now Open

47 new Scientology Implanting Stations now open. Come in for a free implant and experience our seriously disturbing behavioral modification.