Tag Archives: Auditing

Harvey Weinstein Turns to the Scientology Celebrity Centre for Help


“Disgraced Hollywood honcho Harvey Weinstein has turned to the Church of Scientology’s Celebrity Centre for help,” reported Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Mr. Weinstein is currently staying in the penthouse at the Celebrity Centre and is receiving intensive Scientology auditing to help him handle his sexual harassment engrams,” Delusion noted. “Mr. Weinstein is confessing all of his crimes in a Scientology procedure known as a ‘sec check.'”

“Mr. Weinstein can rest assured that his confessional information is safe with Scientology and will never be used against him. Tom Cruise and John Travolta can attest to the fact that they have never once been blackmailed by Scientology over the filthy and lurid secrets they have given up in auditing,” Delusion assured reporters.

“In gratitude for Scientology taking him in and helping him when no one else would, Harvey Weinstein has already donated $2.5 million to the IAS.”

“In happier news,” Delusion remarked, “Harvey Weinstein will be dining with Scientologist Danny Masterson this evening to discuss Scientology techniques for handling scurrilous attacks upon one’s character known as ‘Black PR.’ At present, Danny Masterson is handling Black PR with the help of his criminal defense attorney and Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs.”

Scientology Offering Emergency Auditing to Handle Engrams Caused by Donald Trump

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When it was announced on live television that Donald Trump had won the US presidential election, billions of people around the world immediately collapsed into alternating bouts of uncontrollable  rage, sobbing, and abject despair — this was particularly true of celebrities in Hollywood and New York.

In response to this unprecedented humanitarian crisis, Scientology churches immediately began offering emergency crisis auditing to handle engrams caused by Donald Trump.

The Trump Crisis Rundown is priced according to the severity of a person’s Trump engrams:

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Hillary Completes OT III at Flag!

Hillary had problems at Flag with the OT III materials, but once we handled her crashing misunderstood on BT’s she F/N’d and attested to having completed the level.

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Captain David Miscavige Orders the “OT Obesity Epidemic” Terminatedly Handled

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“Captain David Miscavige has ordered the ‘OT Obesity Epidemic’ in the Church of Scientology terminatedly handled,'” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Accordingly, Captain Miscavige has appointed Captain Stayta Kleer as Obesity Dictator. Captain Kleer will handle the chronic overfeeding of OT’s by Flag and those on Solo NOT’s.”

“There’s really no excuse to pig out to be sessionable,” emphasized Delusion.

“Moreover, it’s truly disgusting to watch the way Flag OT’s push and shove each other to get to the head of the buffet line. They act like Flag is going to suddenly going to run out of Belgian waffles, cheesecake, prime rib, lasagna, seven-layer chocolate cake, or triple bacon cheeseburgers!”

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“Flag’s think that ‘well-fed OT’s are sessionable OT’s’ is not found in any LRH reference. Rather, Flag has gone criminal and pushes tremendously overpriced, yet delicious, comforts food on OT’s in order to increase its crashing GI. This fattening up of OT’s to increase GI will stop now!” Delusion promised.

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“COB has additionally ordered that all OT’s — regardless of age or health, will begin each day with ‘COB Calisthenics’ — a vigorous work out with three pound weights followed by a brisk walk of at least 1/2 mile while smoking cigarettes to keep the weight off.”

“Heavy cigarette smoking is so very important in maintaining weight,” Delusion said as he lit up his 45th cigarette of the day. “I smoke 3-4 packs of Marlboro’s everyday and drink 20-25 cups of  coffee as well and I feel just great,” Delusion exclaimed. “And why just look at this photo of COB weight training; he is the picture of fitness and good health!”
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Why the Church of Scientology Full Page Ads Attacking Alex Gibney Failed

techThe full-page ads failed miserably.

Why?

We in RTC conducted brutal all-night sec checks on OSA personnel and have obtained the following confession. We are making this confession public for all members in good standing of the Church of Scientology.

OSA Public Confession

Yesterday, we in the Church of Scientology Office of Special Affairs (OSA) caused to be placed full-page ads in the New York Times and the Los Angeles Times.

captain-david-miscavigeCaptain David Miscavige had nothing to do with these ads. He was traveling in his capacity as a global ecclesiastical leader to the hotspots of the world.

Captain Miscavige brought calm to the scene and restored order by assuring the peoples of these lands that something can be done about it, namely a $360,000 auditing cycle delivered standardly in an Ideal Org.

Adding up all of the monies and personnel expended in our efforts to place these ads, we in OSA wasted $750,000,000 of Church monies in our effort to expose and attack the Psych-funded Alex Gibney and the CIA front group HBO.

These ads failed and caused the Church of Scientology and Captain Miscavige to be brought into disrepute. We in OSA hereby confess our hidden wholetrack crimes and evil purposes to put sabotage on Captain Miscavige’s lines.

*****

OSA.RecruitingThe ads failed because we in OSA were counter-intentioned to Captain Miscavige and allowed semicolons, bullet points, and a decidedly creepy and lurid pseudo-intellectual prose to be placed into the ads.

We fell into a criminal tabloid valence and came off looking like idiots and brought mockery upon the Church and Captain Miscavige. We are Suppressive Persons (SP’s) in every sense of the term.

We in OSA admit  and confess that we were sent in by the Psychs to destroy Scientology organizations. Had not Captain Miscavige detected and stopped our criminal activities and wholetrack reign of terror we would have continued to destroy Scientology organizations from deep within.

Captain Miscavige will now have to step in and take over the Alex Gibney-HBO cycle and make it go right. But isn’t this always the case? Doesn’t Captain Miscavige always have to step in and make it go right because he is the only one who can actually get anything done? Yes, that is the case.

We in OSA, as a group, have signed papers indicating our desire to be given a second chance by voluntarily entering the Rehabilitation Project Force (RPF). We enter the RPF of our own free will and thank Captain Miscavige for this second chance. We hope that years, or decades, or hard labor and grinding daily sec checks will purify us as thetans.

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Announcing Flag’s “All You Can Audit” Special!

Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Enforced Happiness

Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Marketing Development, Flag Land Base

“Folks are just so doggone crazy about those “all you can eat” specials at wog restaurants,” observed Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Marketing Development, Flag Land Base.

“The Olive Garden offered its  a ‘Never Ending Pasta Bowl‘ last year and served 13,000,000 bowls of pasta! That’s a whole lotta pasta!”

“And that’s why we at Flag are jumping on the ‘all you can eat’ bandwagon by offering our own All You Can Audit! special for the next three months!

DM.117“We want folks to come to Flag and splurge on auditing all day everyday!

“Take as many intensives as you want and gorge yourselves on endless F/N’s and wins!”

“Flag’s super-exciting and super-theta All You Can Audit! special works this way: Donate $250,000 on advance payment, grab the cans, and let err rip!”

“We have a coupla’ hundred Flag auditors ready and waiting, not busy, willing and able to rocket pc’s up the Bridge. So come to Flag today and start winning!”

Disclaimer: $250,000 nonrefundable for eternity. All participants agree to re-do and complete the Basics and the GAT II Purif when they route onto the All You Can Audit! promotional program. Participants further agree to neve, ever, ever  sue COB RTC, FSO, FSSO, CSI, RTC, IAS, CST, CSRT, SIRT, SOR, YSCOHB, WISE, ABLE, or even the defunct CSC. All disputes are subject to arbitration in the Netherland Antilles at your expense before our hand-picked Cuban magistrate and his brutal deputies. All ordered Ethics cycles, sec checks retreads, and redos must be paid for with new money. All course materials must be paid for with new money. Success stories must praise COB RTC for his glorious works or a fine of $50,000 and a significant beating out back in the alley will be assessed for each infraction. The All You Can Audit! promotion additonally requires that participants stay in shared (eight to a room) Flag-only accommodations and eat only at Flag restaurants. Super Power Rundowns not included in this promotion. Further, this promotion specifically excludes free drink refills at all Flag restaurants so don’t even ask! A fuel surcharge of $150 per day per person for The Freewinds applies. All cell phones, laptops, and other electronic devices must be surrendered upon check in. All passports and other forms of personal identification must be surrendered upon check in. All participants agree to undergo regular body cavity searches and head x-rays.  Psychiatrists are excluded from this offer. Participants agree to not rabbit from the Purif, blow the Base, or go Type III on any public sidewalk or street.