Tag Archives: Operating Thetan

Scientology Media Productions Collapses; Rushed to Intensive Care Unit

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Scientology Media Productions collapsed today on a sidewalk and was rushed to the Hollywood Religious Hospital by paramedics. “SMP’s prognosis is grim,” said staff specialist Dr. Metah Bolic. “My colleagues report that SMP suffered a catastrophic rupture of its credibility given the fact that it has produced no product for over a year since its grand opening.”

“Hollywood insiders have long suspected that SMP was just another Scientology scam,” remarked Dr. Bolic who specializes in Fraudology at the Hollywood Religious Hospital. “And today’s tests seem to confirm it. Fraud is blocking SMP’s coronary arteries. SMP is basically in a vegetative state, wearing a diaper, and on life support.”

“OT’s have been at the hospital’s Intensive Care Unit all day yelling ‘come back into that body!‘ commands at SMP,” Dr. Metah Bolic stated. “But so far no luck. It appears that the thetan of SMP has left the body and only the genetic entity remains. The Church of Scientology will soon need to consider pulling the plug on SMP and ending this useless, tragic, and expensive farce.”

Jenna Elfman and Her Embarrassing New ABC Sitcom “Imaginary Mary”

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“As a Scientology OT, Jenna Elfman’s ability to telepathically audit her BT’s made her a natural to play the part of a grown woman who talks to an imaginary childhood friend,” said an ABC executive who spoke under the condition of anonymity.

“However, yes, I have to agree that once we actually made two episodes of Imaginary Mary, the show does come off as freakish, unnatural, and bizarre,” admitted the exec. “We at ABC plan to dispose of this ill-conceived bomb of a show quietly and without sorrow after a few episodes.”

Meanwhile, on her Reddit AMA, Jenna Elfman did not exactly show the OT powers we in RTC expect from our OT’s. There were also SP Joker’s and Degraders:

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Jenna was so very highly enturbulated by recent events that she dramatized her upset by leaping from a second story window. Fortunately, Tom Cruise was there to treat her at the scene of this accident:

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Tom Cruise to Star in L. Ron Hubbard Biopic!

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Tom Cruise gains 50 pounds to play L. Ron Hubbard in Scientology Media Production’s upcoming LRH biopic The Way to Make a Fortune is to Start a Religion!

The New Scientology One Credit Card

The new Scientology One card. Pay for your OT levels on credit at a low rate of 28.6% monthly. Your children are required as collateral.

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Scientology Super Purification Colon Cleanser

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“If you’re stuck on the toilet, then surely you’ll be stuck on your Bridge as well,” declared Dr. Juan Diego San Kool de Menthol, New OTVIII, three L’s completions, OEC/FEBC with gold star, and Clearwater’s leading colon cleaning expert.

“Itsa technical fact that constipation will leave the Scientologist unsessionable. The only answer is my patented and RTC-approved Scientology Super Purification Colon Cleanser! This product is guaranteed to instantly blow all stops and withholds in the colon.

“Moreover, this product is so good that it actually handles constipation on the wholetrack! All past life constipation engrams are *POW!* gone! At only $1,259.95 for a tw0-week supply, this miraculous all natural herbal treatment will bring about relief from even the most obdurate constipation.

“As can be seen in the before and after photos below, this global ecclesiastical leader was severely constipated, bloated, flatulent and was always stuck in a suppressive valence as a result. Although his staff would not tell him for fear of being beaten or struck about their heads, the leader’s chronic flatulence was far worse than the stench of the portable toilets at a NASCAR race on a hot summer day.

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“Whereupon, after one treatment of Scientology Super Purification Colon Cleanser, this global ecclesiastical leader became uptone and happy. His pants fit better and gone are the embarrassing skid-marks in his pantaloons that had so bedeviled him. You too can have these same miracle results. Order today and receive a free copy of my booklet Super Power Colon Clearing for Clears!

 

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige Announces ABF

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“Entheta is up 3,000%,” announced Captain Ken Delusion, CO Entheta Particles Unit OSA.

“Even with all he is doing, and all he has done, COB can’t open new Ideal Orgs fast enough to counter the entheta or the spectatorism and CICS’ing in the OT Committees.”

“The nattering among OT Committee members that they have too much work to do, are financially drained, are trapped in the Slough of Despond, are PTS to the internet and SP’s, etc. is all case and all bank,” Delusion reminded OTC members.

“The breakthrough is more fundraising. The answer is always more fundraising.”

“The Founder said ‘solve it with Scientology’ and what is Scientology? Scientology is fundraising and therefore to be a Scientologist, to do Scientology, is to fundraise. Hence, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige’s new stable datum is ABF:

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“In 21st century Scientology,  KSW is ABF is Truth Revealed is OTIX, OTX, and OT Infinity,” declared Delusion.

Psychs Behind Skyrocketing Black Market in Counterfeit OT Certs

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With Scientology now the coolest religion on Earth, literally the Mouwad’s 1001 Nights Diamond purse of the mind, everyone wants to be an OT — even SP’s, DB’s, 1.1’s, wogs, spectators, dilettantes, Marcabs, porn stars, Venutian freight locomotive operators, and drug-addled hipsters, Even the suburban white trash in the San Fernando Valley want to be OT’s. However as the Valley OT Committee cannot fully fund its Ideal Org after decades of fundraising, there will be no new OT’s there for at least five hundred years.

Let’s face it: Not everybody can be an OT. Few people can be at cause over the MEST universe and change traffic signals to green at their command or postulate the best parking spots at the mall. And even fewer people have the staggering wherewithal required to fund the IAS Patron statuses necessary to be invited onto the OT levels. This is why only the biggest of the biggest beings become OT’s!

In order to destroy Scientology, the Psychs have started at the very top of the Bridge. Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has exposed a global Psych black market crime syndicate selling counterfeit OT certificates. These Psych gangsters are attempting to dilute to the enormous value of the OT brand by flooding the market with fake OT certificates. The most desired counterfeit cert is of course the coveted and rare OTVIII cert, this because, let’s face it, OTVIII is great!

We in RTC have ordered our operating arm OSA to capture these criminals, freeze them,  and then  transport them in Scientology’s 747 spaceplanes to a distant Earth-like planet. There, these criminals will be dumped into volcanoes and nuked. Only by taking such drastic measures can Scientology be saved.

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Scientology’s 747 space plane fleet will transport Psych criminals to volcanoes on a distant Earth-like planet and nuke them.