Tag Archives: Operating Thetan

Scientology Announces Recall of OT III’s

OTX

An OT III infected with the Sike A Virus

“We in RTC have found direct evidence that Big Pharma sabotaged the neural network we implant into OT III’s,” said Inspector General Tech Mr. Ken Delusion.

“We found the Sike Virus A in 90% of OT III’s tested. Big Pharma attackers  got into the neural networks of OT III’s via an unsecured IPsec tunnel in the CSI corporate LAN. It didn’t help that the master password was 1234.”

“As a result, we have instructed the Church of Scientology International to issue a recall on all OT III’s in order to install a new neural network. As this requires opening the skull, anesthesia will be used. Healing time varies, but affected parties should plan on one Earth year. Side effects may include vampirism, hallucinations, and paranoia.”

Xenu’s Criminal Associate Arrested


“Spacelord Xenu’s long-time criminal associate Darth Vader was arrested and taken into custody at the Scientology World Fair in Hemet,” announced International Justice Chief Mr. Ken Delusion.

“Vader was spotted in the Operating Thetan Pavilion trying to steal upper level materials as these fetch astronomically high prices on both the Marcabian Black Market and in Hong Kong,” Delusion reported.

“Alert RTC security forces overpowered and apprehended Vader — a criminal fugitive who has been on Scientology’s Top Ten Most Wanted Listed since 1983. Vader will be imprisoned in an electronic mountain prison without bail while he awaits trial on millions of felony charges of Implanting Humans by use of Reverse Dianetics.

Scientology Media Productions Collapses; Rushed to Intensive Care Unit

smp.COLLAPSES

Scientology Media Productions collapsed today on a sidewalk and was rushed to the Hollywood Religious Hospital by paramedics. “SMP’s prognosis is grim,” said staff specialist Dr. Metah Bolic. “My colleagues report that SMP suffered a catastrophic rupture of its credibility given the fact that it has produced no product for over a year since its grand opening.”

“Hollywood insiders have long suspected that SMP was just another Scientology scam,” remarked Dr. Bolic who specializes in Fraudology at the Hollywood Religious Hospital. “And today’s tests seem to confirm it. Fraud is blocking SMP’s coronary arteries. SMP is basically in a vegetative state, wearing a diaper, and on life support.”

“OT’s have been at the hospital’s Intensive Care Unit all day yelling ‘come back into that body!‘ commands at SMP,” Dr. Metah Bolic stated. “But so far no luck. It appears that the thetan of SMP has left the body and only the genetic entity remains. The Church of Scientology will soon need to consider pulling the plug on SMP and ending this useless, tragic, and expensive farce.”

Jenna Elfman and Her Embarrassing New ABC Sitcom “Imaginary Mary”

Jenna.BT.1
“As a Scientology OT, Jenna Elfman’s ability to telepathically audit her BT’s made her a natural to play the part of a grown woman who talks to an imaginary childhood friend,” said an ABC executive who spoke under the condition of anonymity.

“However, yes, I have to agree that once we actually made two episodes of Imaginary Mary, the show does come off as freakish, unnatural, and bizarre,” admitted the exec. “We at ABC plan to dispose of this ill-conceived bomb of a show quietly and without sorrow after a few episodes.”

Meanwhile, on her Reddit AMA, Jenna Elfman did not exactly show the OT powers we in RTC expect from our OT’s. There were also SP Joker’s and Degraders:

Jenna.RAMA
Jenna was so very highly enturbulated by recent events that she dramatized her upset by leaping from a second story window. Fortunately, Tom Cruise was there to treat her at the scene of this accident:

Jenna.Jump

Tom Cruise to Star in L. Ron Hubbard Biopic!

TC.LRH

Tom Cruise gains 50 pounds to play L. Ron Hubbard in Scientology Media Production’s upcoming LRH biopic The Way to Make a Fortune is to Start a Religion!

The New Scientology One Credit Card

The new Scientology One card. Pay for your OT levels on credit at a low rate of 28.6% monthly. Your children are required as collateral.

scn-one

Scientology Super Purification Colon Cleanser

Scientology.Colon.Blow

“If you’re stuck on the toilet, then surely you’ll be stuck on your Bridge as well,” declared Dr. Juan Diego San Kool de Menthol, New OTVIII, three L’s completions, OEC/FEBC with gold star, and Clearwater’s leading colon cleaning expert.

“Itsa technical fact that constipation will leave the Scientologist unsessionable. The only answer is my patented and RTC-approved Scientology Super Purification Colon Cleanser! This product is guaranteed to instantly blow all stops and withholds in the colon.

“Moreover, this product is so good that it actually handles constipation on the wholetrack! All past life constipation engrams are *POW!* gone! At only $1,259.95 for a tw0-week supply, this miraculous all natural herbal treatment will bring about relief from even the most obdurate constipation.

“As can be seen in the before and after photos below, this global ecclesiastical leader was severely constipated, bloated, flatulent and was always stuck in a suppressive valence as a result. Although his staff would not tell him for fear of being beaten or struck about their heads, the leader’s chronic flatulence was far worse than the stench of the portable toilets at a NASCAR race on a hot summer day.

Scientology.Colon.Blow.1

“Whereupon, after one treatment of Scientology Super Purification Colon Cleanser, this global ecclesiastical leader became uptone and happy. His pants fit better and gone are the embarrassing skid-marks in his pantaloons that had so bedeviled him. You too can have these same miracle results. Order today and receive a free copy of my booklet Super Power Colon Clearing for Clears!