COB RTC David Miscavige today announced that the Church of Scientology had obtained exclusive global rights for the Ouija Board from Parker Brothers. “COB is convinced,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion,” that […]
Black Friday Scientology!
Following COB’s stunning surprise announcement that the new Ultra Mark VIII e-meter would be literally given away for the ridiculously low price of $4,900 on Black Friday, millions of Scientologists began lining […]
Wedding Bells to Ring Again for Scientologist Tom Cruise!
COB RTC David Miscavige is personally managing the courtship and marriage of Scientologists Tom Cruise and Laura Prepon. “Mr. Miscavige has a proven record of success handling the 2D, or marriages, of […]
The RTC E-Meter Police
The credit card reader on the new Ultra Mark VIII means that auditing has never been easier! Simply slide your card and voila! You’re in session! On a related note, the RTC […]
New Ultra Mark VIII E-Meter: 50,000x Better at Detecting SP’s than All Previous Meters!
“The new Ultra Mark VIII e-meter is 50,000x better at detecting hidden SP’s than all previous e-meters combined,” Church spokesman Ken Delusion proudly declared today during a special press conference at Flag […]
Everyone Must Redo the Student Hat!
After looking around at the existing scene, we in RTC decided that the stats will go up. Ergo, GAT II. What this means for Scientology parishioners is that they must redo the […]
Barrage Balloons Deployed Over Flag Land Base!
In the wake of last week’s unprecedented ambush helicopter raid of Flag Land Base by two bitter defrocked apostates hellbent on spying on the Church of Scientology, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige ordered […]
Super Power Perceptic #13: Smell
We in RTC are pleased to report that final attendance figures for last week’s festivities at Flag Land Base totaled 33,891,209 Scientologists — 12,572 of whom went permanently exterior with full perception […]
12,000 People Trampled to Death at Flag Land Base!
Freedom Magazine Special Report: Fatal Stampede at Flag! 12,000 Scientologists trampled to death in the mad rush to get into the Super Power Building! Speaking today from Flag Land Base, Church of […]
David Miscavige Declared God!
COB RTC David Miscavige tonight declared himself God. The new Civilization has begun. You will be contacted shortly by the Church of Scientology about your duties and obligations to God. In the […]