Tag Archives: Tom Cruise

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COB’s Sticky Buns!

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Tom Cruise to Star in L. Ron Hubbard Biopic!

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Tom Cruise gains 50 pounds to play L. Ron Hubbard in Scientology Media Production’s upcoming LRH biopic The Way to Make a Fortune is to Start a Religion!

Scientology: The Real Story

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Scientology Media Productions today announced the production of its new series Scientology: The Real Story. “Season one will feature ten exciting episodes explained Sea Org Ensign Brenda Bahlbreaker, Commanding Officer of SMP.

“We have a dynamite line up of shows,” enthused Ensign Bahlbreaker.

1. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige: Humanitarian and global ecclesiastical leader guides Scientology into a new and unprecedented era of expansion.

2. The story of how Mr. Miscavige opened 17,712 new Ideal Orgs — and in the process how Scientology became the largest private bulk purchaser of carpeting and flooring in the world — is told. Far from being the “dramatizing interior decorator” his critics have falsely portrayed him as, Mr. Miscavige is instead shown as a man of impeccable tastes in interior design and architecture.

3. STAND: Scientologists taking a stand against discrimination. Squirrel Busting and OSAbot online trolling clarified, explained, and justified.

4. Fair Game? “No, it was cancelled in 1968,” explains Ken Delusion. “It was a bad policy written by our doddering old bumpkin of a Founder. Thank goodness David Miscavige was chosen to rise above Ron’s bank,” Delusion concludes.

5. David Miscavige and Tom Cruise Revitalize Downtown Clearwater. The dynamic Scientology duo cut the ribbon on a new Payless shoe store, the mighty anchor store in what will become 21st century Downtown Clearwater. Soon to follow are a new Der Wienerschnitzel, a Fotomat, and of course a new taco truck. Did we tell you that COB loves a good taco truck?

6. The new Theta Optical Store opens with a special 10% off on all eyeglasses for Scientologists. This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dwight and Debbie White explaining why, although thetans see through golden discs, eyeglasses are sometimes needed when the meat body eyeballs go out of present time.

7. ARC Hearing Aids store opens with a special 10% off on all hearing aids for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dennis and Brenda Caucasian explaining why, although thetans hear through platinum discs, hearing aids are sometimes needed when the meat body ears go out of
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8. KRC Chiropractic opens with a special 10% off on all chiropractic adjustments for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Henry and Cheryl Paleface explaining why, although thetans can operate the body while exterior with full perceptions, most can’t do it as they are banky and so go Out Int. This necessitates the need for an adjustment. Henry Paleface also explains why chiropractic done the Scientology way can eliminate the need for wog medications, cancer treatment, and other expensive and unnecessary treatments for made up diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, asthma, leukemia, etc.

9. The new Eternity Bookstore store opens. Owner OT Rod Delusion explains why he only sells LRH fiction and the Basics and refuses to carry the filthy and degraded books written by wogs.

10. The season finale ends where it begins: With a celebration of COB RTC David Miscavige. To support COB, this final episode is a five day fundraising telethon and is mandatory watching for IAS members who wish to remain in good standing with the Church.

Scientology National Affairs Office — Press Release

Scientology National Affairs Office
1701 20th St NW
Washington, DC 20009

PRESS RELEASE

Scientologist Trish Duggan today met with senior Trump administration officials to lobby for the establishment of an Office of Scientology in the White House (OSWH). The OSWH would act as an executive police body to sec check and find the crimes of Senators and Congresspeople and other CICS government officials who show SP tendencies towards the President. The OSWH would also burglarize government offices as needed given Scientology’s historical experience in high level burglaries. Mr. Don Alverzo would be the Burglaries IC.

President Trump expressed interest but said that Scientology’s proposed prices for these services were an outrageous ripoff. Fleet Admiral David Miscavige quickly offered steep discounts for sec checking if the President promised to protect Scientology’s tax exemption and give Scientology protection from the FBI, IRS, and law enforcement agencies domestic and foreign.

Fleet Admiral Miscavige demonstrated the e-meter at a press conference today. This was followed by Mr. Ken Delusion conducting a tour of Scientology’s vitally needed new Clay Demo facility in Washington DC.

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Scientology Western Movie Storyboard. Opening Scenes

The movie opens with Sam the Scientologist, played by Tom Cruise, being ejected bodily from a saloon and hurled onto the dirty streets of Wogtown:

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Scene 2: The bad guy “Imonda Internet” emerges from the saloon. A showdown on the dirty streets of Wogtown between Scientology and the Internet shapes up. This powerful metaphor between the forces of good (Scientology) and evil (The Internet) defines the existential struggle for Scientologists:

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Message: Sam represents COB. Sam’s gun represents the IAS. The bullets in Sam’s gun and on his gun belt represent donations to the IAS. Thus, the movie’s central message is conveyed in the opening seconds of the film: Have you donated to the IAS to put bullets into Sam’s gun? Or are you a CICS dilettante?

Happy New Year from Scientology

We in Scientology wish you a glorious and unenturbulated New Year free of Psychiatric oppression by the Marcabs and other hostile alien races!

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Looking Back: Scientology 2016

And now as we prepare to turn another page on eternity, let us look back on what we in the Church of Scientology did in 2016.

We almost finished the fundraise on the SFV Ideal Org:

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Thanks to COB, we opened Scientology Media Productions. The hundreds of thousands of Scientologists in good standing in Southern California attended. And, we in RTC are pleased to report that SMP almost made a film:

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We purged dirty cop Lee Whatshisname from all Scientology websites:

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Thanks to the Golden Era SFX Department, none of the molded body parts or engineered hair appliances on John Travolta fell off or broke:

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And now we arrive at Scientology’s greatest 2016 accomplishment: There were no major escapes or blows. Thanks to COB’s patented blow drills, Tom Cruise’s attempted escape from Trementina Base was derailed. Likewise, Shelly was unable to escape from Twin Peaks.

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