“Disgraced Hollywood honcho Harvey Weinstein has turned to the Church of Scientology’s Celebrity Centre for help,” reported Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Mr. Weinstein is currently staying in the penthouse at the Celebrity Centre and is receiving intensive Scientology auditing to help him handle his sexual harassment engrams,” Delusion noted. “Mr. Weinstein is confessing all of his crimes in a Scientology procedure known as a ‘sec check.'”
“Mr. Weinstein can rest assured that his confessional information is safe with Scientology and will never be used against him. Tom Cruise and John Travolta can attest to the fact that they have never once been blackmailed by Scientology over the filthy and lurid secrets they have given up in auditing,” Delusion assured reporters.
“In gratitude for Scientology taking him in and helping him when no one else would, Harvey Weinstein has already donated $2.5 million to the IAS.”
“In happier news,” Delusion remarked, “Harvey Weinstein will be dining with Scientologist Danny Masterson this evening to discuss Scientology techniques for handling scurrilous attacks upon one’s character known as ‘Black PR.’ At present, Danny Masterson is handling Black PR with the help of his criminal defense attorney and Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs.”
Tom Cruise is healing at home from a broken ankle he suffered earlier this month. The actor says he went PTS to Scientology and the Aftermath and blamed the show.
“Like every other Scientologist on this planet, I am the victim of a television show. Despite being an OT, I can’t control matter, energy, space, and time — and particularly not this entheta television show! My new cognition is this: To be a member of the Church of Scientology is to be a victim and I am a victim. It’s just not fair. I would do some STAND tweets but feel just too PTS. I am really PTP’d about everything right now.”
In response to a recent survey of Scientology parishioners, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Ideal Orgs to install for-pay toilet paper dispensers. This will allow Scientologists to purchase either coarse of fine grade sheets of toilet paper.
“For the Church of Scientology to just give toilet paper away for free would be completely out exchange,” explained Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Bowel Movementology. “And so COB decided to offer coarse and fine grades of toilet paper. The fine grade toilet paper is “highly deluxe movie star grade toilet paper” and obviously costs a small fortune. This is the stuff Tom Cruise uses.”
“The coarse grade stuff is an economy tissue we purchase from Bulgravia. Made from recycled asphalt dyed white, it is rough but much cheaper. It is perfect for downstat Scientologists who lack the wherewithal and reach to afford the fine toilet paper.”
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Tagged church of scientology, David Miscavige, Ideal Orgs, Ken Delusion, movie star toilet paper, no toilet paper, Scientologists, scientology spokesman, toilet paper, toilet paper dispensers, Tom Cruise