Tag Archives: Tom Cruise

Scientology Leader David Miscavige Comments on Tom Cruise’s New Movie Mission Impossible Fallout

“How does this glorified stuntman Tom Cruise get such monster stats for his stupid new movie?” asked David Miscavige. “Look at these stats! The opening weekend of Mission Impossible — Fallout is on track to rake in $135,000,000 globally!

“Christ on an e-meter!” screamed Miscavige, “I spent $100,000,000 and four years building an entire Scientology TV network and only have 26,943 suckass followers on Twitter after four months to show for all my work! What the hell is wrong? Who is sabotaging Scientology? Who is the who?”

“Sir,” said Ken Delusion, “Our RTC investigation has shown that the culprits behind Scientology’s suckass ratings are Scientologists themselves. These CICS DB’s are all counter-intentioned to you! Scientologists themselves are the criminals! You singlehandedly built these ingrates a television network and yet these SP’s can’t even be bothered to watch it because they’re too busy watching the new Mission Impossible!”

“Then declare everyone in the entire Church of Scientology an SP except for you and me!” COB ordered Delusion.

“Even Tom Cruise?”

“Especially Tom Cruise! Declare him an SP first! Cruise has committed the biggest crime ever and that is daring to upstage me with his oh-so-fancy new movie! Cruise didn’t even offer me a part or shoot a few scenes at Ideal Orgs! Tom Cruise treats me like chopped liver!” screamed COB.

“All Tom Cruise cares about these days is entertaining wogs, going on talk shows, and making money! And after all I’ve done to make him the movie star he is! Where is the thanks I get? Where?”

Church of Scientology Reaches Out to Incels

Incels — involuntarily celibates — are a subclass of male losers who lurk on the dark web. Women avoid incels for many reasons, but mostly because incels are racist, angry, dull, unattractive, women-hating misogynists who have no desirable qualities. Derided as permavirgins, incels are doomed to a 2Dless existence.

However, the good news for Incels is that Scientology can do something about it!

Scientology can even help George Ingram Insailes, the King of Incels.

NORMIES & CHADS

As opposed to Incels, there are Normies and Chads. According to Incel culture, Normies are able to date women and have relationships whereas Chads are super studs. Thanks to Scientology, Tom Cruise is a Chad! In fact, Tom Cruise is Chad Thundercock, the King of Chads!

Tom Cruise is Scientology’s Chad Thundercock!

Scientology’s secret OT voodoo can turn even the most pathetic Incel into a Chad Thundercock!

The answer is to do Scientology’s Super Power Rundown at Flag Land Base in Clearwater, Florida.

Become a Chad Thundercock today! Do Super Power! You have nothing to lose but your virginity and $250,000!

Chad.Not

Incel and permavirgin Doug Dweebner of Cedar Rapids, Iowa went from Incel to a Chad Thundercock after doing Scientology Super Power!!! You can too!!!

Dr. Frank Wonderman: Why Counter-Intention on COB’s Lines Must Be Smashed!

Frank.Wonderman

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman. Inspector General of the Scientology Office of Ideological Purity and Enforcement.

Just as Trotskyite wreckers and diversionists were a threat to the worker’s revolution in Russia, so too are Psych wreckers and diversionists who traffick in reasonableness a threat to Scientology’s noble aim of Planetary Clearing.

Even now sinister forces of criminal joking and degrading are at work to diminish the success of Scientology TV. This felonious jocularity maintains that Scientology TV and COB are both abysmal failures fit only to be tossed onto the trash heap of cultic history along with visionaries such as Herbert W. Armstrong, Charles Taze Russell, and Mary Baker Eddy. But the statistics show otherwise. With over 1,500 new viewers, COB’s $100 million investment in Scientology TV has been fully vindicated.

The Psychs howl and scream as their revenues collapse under the onslaught of Scientology TV and the surging and unstoppable tide of Ideal Orgs. The opposition and slander against COB and Scientology’s fully ideal scene is a tangled web of calumnies that all trace back to the nonsense of evolution, Freud, and the idea that Man is only his brain and that death extinguishes the thetan forever and ever. Yet the unassailable scientific evidence adduced by the e-meter clearly shows thetans have been around this universe for four quadrillion years and that Tom Cruise’s toothy grin is the result of astonishingly bad dental work made amazingly workable by the technologies of Dianetics and Scientology.

The Scientologist is to flourish and prosper in the face of entheta. And what is the full measure and proof of flourishing and prosperity except to increase one’s IAS Patron status? The IAS is the glorious Scientology revolution against the vicious Psych gestalt which holds thetans in its iron grip of electroshock, lobotomies, and the decadence of popular music and pornography! Rise up today and donate to the IAS!

Image

#SPYGATE

Why Does Tom Cruise Keep Leaving Scientology and Coming Back?

starcovers-e1518201669721
Tom Cruise leaves Scientology every few years but then he always comes back.

Why?

Because the rumors are true: We in Scientology have all the dirt on Tom Cruise. We won’t publicly admit it, but this is how Scientology actually works.

Tom Cruise’s Escape from Scientology Thwarted by OSA Special Forces!

tc-escape
Tom Cruise yesterday tried to escape from Scientology’s ultra-secret compound in Trementina, New Mexico. The 55 year old actor bolted from his cell, ran across the tarmac, and grabbed onto the side fuselage door of a departing Scientology Airbus A400M.

A pair of RTC x-wing fighters belonging to OSA Special Forces Air Wing #9 were scrambled. The lead x-wing zapped Tom Cruise with a tractor beam and hauled him back to Trementina Base. Cruise is now undergoing extensive security checking in an ecclesiastical reform center. The actor is obviously harboring evil purposes to destroy Scientology and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige. We in RTC will find Tom Cruise’s crimes. Let this serve as a lesson to anyone Scientologist who is thinking of escaping: Scientology will capture and punish you!

TC.Escape

Scientologist Joy Villa: A Working Professional

Scientologist Joy Villa is a working professional who wears many hats: Dominatrix, singer, Pseudo-Christian Evangelical, GOP MAGA Cheerleader, and potential US Congressional candidate.

“Dianetics helped me be a better dominatrix,” Joy explained during her recent appearance on Scientology Media Production’s new show Keeping Up With Joy.


“And when I went Clear at the Scientology Celebrity Centre is was like ‘Wow! No more reactive mind!’ This is when I realized I didn’t give a fuck because I was now cause over the MEST universe.”


“Once I went Clear, I’m stopped being PTS as hell like Tom Cruise and so I don’t go around breaking my ankle and ruining film schedules!”

TC.Ankle

“COB RTC David Miscavige personally selected me to be Scientology’s International Goodwill Ambassador after Jenna Elfman’s disaster on Imaginary Mary. And Kirstie Alley? COB told me she was a No Case Gain and to distance myself from her as far as possible.”

“And stay a million light years away from that degraded being Danny Masterson!” COB warned me.

Danny.Masterson.2

“As Scientology’s International Goodwill Ambassador I take the various mocks up I’ve created very seriously. After all, identity politics are very important to me: I am a Floridian, a Native American, a Christian, a Grammy considered signer, a working professional and whatever else I need to be. I can put on any disguise in order to get what I want. Wogs are really easy to fool.”

Joy Villa then asked the ladies a very provocative question:

When asked if she wanted to add anything, Joy Villa said, “I want to thank COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige for making this all possible. Thank you COB. Thank you sir!”

DM.Hair