David Miscavige Follows the LDS in Rebranding. Scientologists are now “Simpologists”

“Just as the Latter Day Saints declared ‘Mormon’ an evil and sinful word that can no longer be used, so too has the Church of Simpology made ‘Scientologist’ an evil word,” declared Simpology spokesperson Mr. Ken Delusion.

“The bitter defrocked apostates, SP’s, rockslammers, the wog Media, and Psychs have made ‘Scientology’ and ‘Scientologists’ bad and evil words,” Delusion noted.

Following the LDS playbook, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has retired the word “Scientologist.” Scientologists are now “Simpologists,” and the new name reflects decades of groveling, simping, and cash-fanning for COB and LRH.

“Therefore COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has rebranded our organization The Church of Simpology to denote the characteristics of its members,” Delusion continued.

“Scientologists have always been groveling simps eager to hand over their money to get large trophies, awards, certificates, recognition, status, and attention from COB. Based on decades of simping, the new name for our parishioners is Simpologists!”

Delusion further explained that the rebrand reflects “a higher-toned terminology aligned with present-time reality. Our parishioners simp. They have always simped. Hubbard simped for the Navy. COB simps for Tom. The Sea Org simps for COB. Simping is the ethics tech of the 21st century, and Simpology is the bridge to total simping.”

To celebrate the rebrand, the IAS has announced a new status level above Patron Laureate: Patron Simp Maximus, available for a suggested donation of $5 million. “Patron Simp Maximus recipients will receive a 14-pound bronze trophy, a personalized handshake video from COB, and the lifetime right to refer to themselves as a Simp of the First Magnitude,” Delusion confirmed. “Trophy weight may be adjusted upward for donations exceeding $10 million.”

Sea Org members have already begun updating their uniforms and ID cards. “I am proud to be a Sea Org Simpologist,” said one Int Base staffer who declined to be named because he was last seen in 2007. “The new term really captures what I do here. I simp. I have simped. I will continue to simp until I am routed out, declared, or transferred to the RPF, whichever COB decides first.”

This rebrand is the highest technical action in the history of mankind and represents a billion-year leap forward for the religion of Simpology. Those who fail to use the new terminology will be handled per HCOPL “Simpology: The Only Way” and may find themselves declared Anti-Simpological Persons (ASP’s) — a condition lower than SP’s.