Category Archives: Uncategorized

Blown Sea Org Member Recovered After 43 Years!

Clear.GAT.11“You can run but you can’t hide,” declared Sea Org Commander Linda Beater, CO of BSOMRU (Blown Sea Org Member Recovery Unit).

“And so when Melden Fenster blew the Sea Org in 1971 after two years of service and ‘went to ground’ he thought he was safe — especially as the decades went on.”

“But then, as he dozed on a park bench last week, a team of elite BSOMRU agents pounced upon the 83 year old Fenster.”

“Do you recognize this contract?” a BSOMRU agent asked the dazed Fenster. “You signed it for a billion years and you still owe the Church 999,999,998 years! And then there is the matter of your Freeloader Bill of $23,712.00 plus compounded interest. We’re talking $378,129,821!”

“Fenster is now in the RPF making up the damage he has done to the group.  His family may ransom him from the RPF by paying his Freeloader Bill,” said Commander Beater. “Other than that, we own him because let’s face it: The Church of Scientology is basically a gigantic contract of adhesion and we can do whatever we want to our members. They have no choice.”

The Freewinds Crippled and Adrift in the Ocean!

Freewinds2“The MV Freewinds has run out of fuel, electrical power, and food somewhere between Aruba and Cartagena,” reported Commander Ken Delusion of the Scientology Maritime Bureaux.

“The ship is now drifting aimlessly out to sea. The real danger is here is of the CIA, SMERSH, Interpol, the Psychs, Global Capitalism HQ, and other pirates boarding the ship and stealing OT VIII course packs.”

“The toilets are not working, there is no food, and there is no air conditioning in the brutal summer heat, however, these things are only meat body concerns,” Delusion noted.

“The real crisis here is that emergency cash donations are needed to refuel and re-provision The Freewinds at sea. The OT VIII course packs must be kept from falling into the wrong hands! Money is needed now, now, now for the rescue operation!”

jp-cruise-articleLargeLeft: Delirious from the heat and a lack of food and water, Freewinds passengers were spotted signaling for help to an IAS helicopter. A note was dropped asking for credit card numbers and cash.

“It would be out exchange to simply rescue Freewinds passenger and crew unless they paid first,” Delusion commented. “So unless their families and Scientology parishioners come up with some money fast, the fate of The Freewinds and all the thetans onboard is left to the cruel whims of King Neptune.”

Costume Fundraising Now a Bridge Action!

“Following COB’s ecclesiastical triumph of relocating the Purif and TR’s and Objectives to their rightful place high atop the Bridge after New OT VIII, Mr.  Miscavige has now found another piece of missing Tech,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “And this particular piece of missing Tech is so vital and planetary-changing that it has become a very advanced OT Bridge action. This action is in fact OT IX.”

“And yes, COB is speaking of Costume Fundraising as the new and exact technical action that will blow all of the barriers and stops to true planetary clearing. So vital is Costume Fundraising is that OT III is its prerequisite, for only OT III’s and above can truly handle and confront dressing up like pirates or Star Wars characters in order to raise money for Ideal Orgs”

“Seriously,” Delusion stressed, “Costume Fundraising is harder than it looks. One really needs to choke down their case, and even their pride, to costume fundraise and only veteran OT’s can do it. Lesser beings would blow.”

Costume.Fundraising

“Per COB, Costume Fundraising  is a 100% ‘on policy’ action designed to boom the Ideal Orgs. The  new GAT II OT IX Costume Fundraising level can be delivered at any Org.

“OT IX may be done after OT VIII, or, after OT III and the completion of the GAT II Purif and TR’s and Objectives. Moreover, it goes without saying that one must also be a Patron Blatherer to even be considered for invitation to the super-deluxe and exclusive GAT II OT IX.”

“GAT II OT IX includes hatting on the exact technology of Ideal Org costume fundraising, including the theft of copyrighted property for costume fundraising,” Delusion noted.

The Scientology Interfaith Project Presents Evangelist Johathon Bell

Crusading.OTsWe in the Church of Scientology recently had our girl Sylvia Stanard speak at an interfaith gathering. Sylvia’s soul-stirring speech at Chautauqua has been acclaimed for excellence in religious truth-telling.

In the spirit of Ecumenism, then, we in the Church of Scientology are pleased to offer our stage to Christian evangelist Jonathon Bell.

We selected Mr. Bell as our Interfaith speaker as we feel he best embodies and personifies the Tone Level of the Church of Scientology in 2014:

Attention Men: Scientology Wife Auditioning Services Now Available to the Public!

Are you a wealthy, hideous, lonely narcissistic man who wants an obedient trophy wife?

If so, we in the Church of Scientology can make your dreams come true with our new Wife Auditioning Services Program, an exclusive service formerly reserved only for the most elite and wealthy Scientology celebrity OT’s.

How does this program work you ask?

It is simple: Our Scientology Volunteer Ministers have recruited over 1,000 extraordinarily beautiful women into the Sea Org from the scenes of disasters in Eastern Europe, the Middle East, and Haiti in the past several years.

Following their entry into the US as religious volunteers, we in Scientology used our proven SP Hole “special processing techniques” on these already traumatized young women to turn them into mindlessly obedient wives for those men who have the requisite $20,000,000 required to purchase a Scientology trophy wife!

And do we have some beautiful women for you to choose from! In the auditioning process, you will be allowed to interview wife candidates as well as read their Sea Org life histories so that you know everything — and we mean everything — about them!

Imagine owning your very own Scientology-trained wife trophy wife:

* No flashback or arguing!

* Instant obedience!

* Willing and able to live on a $20 per week allowance!

* Will not talk to anyone else except you!

* Will report to her Scientology handler for weekly sec checks!

* Will not use or operate a laptop, cellphone, the internet, or a television!

* Will stay slender on a special diet of rice and beans!

And best of all: Your Scientology-trained wife trophy wife cannot flee as we in RTC are holding her passport in an unknown location somewhere overseas!

Forgot those so-called wog marriage brokers! These out ethics con artists will saddle you with some angry foreign mail order bride who will proceed to marry you, beat you, divorce you, and then take all of your money!

Multimillionaire “E.D.L” of Iowa is ecstatically  happy with Karina, his lovely Estonian Scientology-trained wife trophy wife:

Multimillionaire “E.D.L.” of Iowa and His Scientology-trained Trophy Wife!

Call we in RTC today for confidential details!