“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige’s hair finally got piled so high and over-tinted that the ecclesiastical leader was mistaken for Marge Simpson,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“An investigation by RTC has revealed that COB’s hair turned blue after his colorist flubbed the dye job. This is not a laughing matter,” Delusion noted. “It is, factually and cold-bloodedly speaking, an aesthetic crisis of magnitude!”
“COB obviously can’t open the new Ideal Org in Vladivostok until cosmetic repairs have been completed. COB must also avoid high winds lest he be tipped over like a motorhome in a tornado.”
“Captain Mike Napier was at Flag for a heavy Ethics cycle. This left Ensign Nandor Vörös in charge of the vessel. In what has to be the worst telex error in the entire history of Scientology, the MV Freewinds was scrapped this past week,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Captain Napier had left orders for the ship to be ‘scraped‘ as in ‘scrape off the barnacles and the hull in preparation for painting.’ However, Ensign Vörös, whose native language is Hungarian, read the telex incorrectly and had the vessel immediately scrapped in a shipbreaking yard in Colombia.”
“A Comm Ev found that no clay demo of the order to scrape the ship had been done. $100,000,000 is needed right now for a new ship. OTIX and OTX cannot be delivered as promised without a new ship,” Delusion noted. “COB has also ordered a stop to OTVIII as that level too can can only be done on a ship.”
“The sudden loss of the ship is a disaster for Scientology Media Productions as well, “Delusion added. “SMP’s first swashbuckling feature film Scientology: Buggery on the High Seas was to be shot aboard the Freewinds. Based on an LRH screenplay, the film was to be broadcast globally by SMP. COB has fired off an RTC why-finding mission to ferret out the hidden Psychs behind this fiasco!”
Scientologists Jenna Elfman, Laura Prepon, Erika Christensen, and Danny Masterson in the “good old days” before Masterson was accused of raping four women
“Danny Masterson’s traditional appearance as Santa Claus at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s Christmas gala has been cancelled,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
When asked to comment on the allegations that Scientologist Danny “Donkey Punch” Masterson raped four women, and may have even choked or drugged them during the alleged rapes, Delusion stated, ““The Church adamantly denies the implication the Church would ignore the criminal behavior of certain members, especially at the expense of alleged victims. What is being stated is utterly untrue. This has nothing to do with religion. This story is being manipulated to push a bigoted agenda. The Church follows all laws and cooperates with law enforcement. Any statement or implication to the contrary is false.”
When asked what his bloviating non-statement actually meant, Delusion remarked that if saving Scientology meant throwing Masterson under the bus then COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has decreed that this would happen. “Look,” Delusion said, “the Democrats are going to throw Senator Al Franken under the bus to save the party. Well then we in Scientology are doing the same thing with Danny Masterson after our extensive efforts at stonewalling and bribery have failed. Our friends at the LAPD and the L.A. District Attorney’s Office are getting real nervous about the Masterson situation. And if they’re nervous why then Mr. Miscavige is nervous too.”
“If Danny Masterson is convicted and goes to prison then it means that he was never a real Scientologist. Delusion noted. “Therefore, declaring him an SP and getting rid of him is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”
Netflix could not be reached for comment as it was hiding under its desk and had the door to its office locked.
Posted in OTVIIIisGrrr8!
Tagged Al Franken, alleged, bribery, Celebrity Centre, church of scientology, covering up rape, Danny Masterson, David Miscavige, Erika Christensen, Jenna Elfman, Ken Delusion, LAPD, Laura Prepon, Los Angeles District Attorneys Office, Los Angeles Police Department, Neflix, rape, Scientology celebrity centre, Scientology Christmas, serial rapist, SP, Suppressive Person
Scientologist Tom Cruise announced today that he has quit his acting career to become an auditor in the Sea Org. “This planet’s not going to get cleared unless I help,” said Cruise. “That’s why I’ve become a Sea Org auditor at the Celebrity Centre — and that’s what all of us have to do: We have to sacrifice now to help to get this planet cleared.”
Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion remarked that, “Tom Cruise’s first preclear is a tough case, a new Scientologist named Harvey Weinstein. Tom already has Harvey writing up his crimes and this may take years to complete.”
“By actual survey, Scientology parishioners are asking the WHY for why Scientology Media Productions is not broadcasting,” said spokesman Ken Delusion. “More than a few Scientologists have noted that Leah Remini has been able to broadcast an entheta show week after week — and even win an Emmy — while SMP sits idly by and does nothing about it, this despite Scientology’s motto that ‘Something Can Be Done About It.'”
“The answer is that the CST Deep Space Antenna Array in New Mexico has not yet received signal from the Founder on Target Two authorizing SMP to begin broadcasting.”
“An obscure clause in the Founder’s last will and testament requires his direct permission by Telex radio communication from T2 before ‘any Scientology entity may broadcast tele-vision or radio waves containing copyrighted Scientology content into the public airwaves.'”
“T2 is many light years away. SMP expects to get operational authorization from T2 in about 25,000 years,” Delusion noted. “And when we get that authorization, the station is ready to flip a switch and begin broadcasting. Until then, there are COB events and LRH Congresses to listen to for the next 25,000 years.”
Posted in OTVIIIisGrrr8!
Tagged church of scientology, Church of Scientology spokesman, Church of Spiritual Technology, COB RTC David Miscavige, David Miscavige, Emmy, Ken Delusion, L. Ron Hubbard, last will and testament, Leah Remini, Scientology and the Aftermath, Scientology Congresses, Scientology Media Productions
“Due to a catastrophic malfunction of the OTX Eye Injector at Flag Land Base, the pilot run of OTX went terribly wrong,” said Flag Medical Director Dr. Ken Delusion.
“While we at Flag regret this malfunction and the inconvenience it has caused our volunteer Mr. Victor Volpe-Suarez of the Tampa Org, we can all take comfort in the fact that there are plenty more Flag rejects at the Tampa Org we can experiment on until we get this darned thing right. OTX will be debugged and eventually released no matter how many Tampa publics it takes,” emphasized Dr. Delusion.