“It’s not what it looks like,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Brigadier General was merely helping COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with a wardrobe malfunction.”
“That this was escalated into a morals charge of public lewdness and the arrest of both men by the authorities in Barbados is a disgrace!” roared Delusion.
“Big Pharma was clearly behind this attempt to embarrass the world’s greatest ecclesiastical leader as he was being awarded the Velveeta Cheese Company’s Medal for Ease of Spreadability in the religious products sold by we in Scientology.”
“The new Scientology Danger Process calls for Scientologists to hang upside down for twelve hours over the 110 freeway in Downtown Los Angeles while suspended from a rope,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“If the Scientologist weakens and loses their grip on the rope, he or she will plunge to the freeway below and be brutally crushed to death by the thousands of cars hurtling by at high speeds,” Delusion noted.
“During the initial launch of the Danger Process, the California Highway Patrol intervened and shut it down. In doing so, the CHP trampled on Scientology’s freedom of religion,” Delusion complained. “As a result, we in Scientology will be suing the CHP for five billion dollars. Scientologists have a right to practice their religion in whatever way we choose and wog governments be damned!”
“Due to the highest ever straight up and vertical expansion resulting from Scientology TV, Scientology is now outsourcing some of its BT exorcism workload to the Catholic Church,” said spokesman Ken Delusion.
“The Catholics have been in the exorcism business since the time of Jesus,” Delusion noted. “And the exorcism business has never been better or more lucrative than today.”
“Exorcisms are up in the Catholic Church and Scientology by over 47,000%. What this means is that Psych drugs aren’t working because the real cause of all modern problems are demonic body thetans,” concluded Delusion. “SP’s can mock what Scientology teaches about how BT’s came to be, but SP mockery doesn’t change the fact of what happened 75,000,000 years ago. It’s all true and quite savage and ghastly.”
“Only Scientology can help,” Delusion emphasized. “But until we get 150,000 more GAT II auditors trained, we’re using Catholic priests on an interim basis.”
“We in the Church of Scientology know what it’s like to be the victim of a massive and unconstitutional raid by US Federal agents. This happened to us in 1977 when hundreds of FBI agents, acting in a Gestapo-like fashion, launched a surprise early morning raid on our Orgs,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“And now the same jackbooted government thugs have raided the President’s wog lawyer Michael Cohen. But let’s not kid ourselves: The raid on Cohen’s offices was a warning to the President to not interfere in Big Pharma’s lucrative opioid epidemic — which epidemic is a carbon copy of Britain’s lucrative 19th century opium sales to China!”
“The shape-shifting alien reptilian British Monarchy is behind the raids on Michael Cohen. These godless reptilians need the money from opioid sales to finance their black propaganda wars designed to destroy Scientology which is mankind’s only hope of salvation! The raid on Cohen was a false flag operation that had absolutely nothing to do with Russia, collusion, election tampering, or obstruction of justice. It was all about keeping Americans high on dope and as faraway as possible from Narconon’s safe and effective drug treatment program! Likewise, the 1977 raid on Scientology was based on a flimsy trumped up charge that we used government copier paper without permission.”
“We in Scientology have promised to help Michael Cohen. As such, we are now investigating the hidden crimes of Big Pharma’s rabid lapdog Robert Mueller and the shadowy merchants of chaos with whom he is plotting. And when we connect all the dots, we will surely find Psychiatry and the reptilian British Monarchy behind this dire plot to destroy Scientology and enslave the masses!”
“We in Scientology have long warned the public that reading the OT materials without proper preparations will cause a person to freewheel through their implants, catch pneumonia, and die,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“We in Scientology can confirm that former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg went on the SP site xs4all where he read the legally webbed OT materials. Sure enough, Nunberg began to freewheel through his implants and became quite insane as he babbled away on political talk shows like a drunken Pentecostal.”
“However there is more this story,” cautioned Delusion. “Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller is hot on Nunberg’s tracks. We in Scientology believe Nunberg read the OT materials in order to set up an ‘OT Insanity’ defense ahead of possible criminal charges.”
“This would not be the first time someone accused Scientology of driving them insane,” Delusion noted.
Posted in OTVIIIisGrrr8!
Tagged church of scientology, Church of Scientology spokesman, Donald Trump, freewheeling, implants, insane, Karin Spaink, Ken Delusion, L. Ron Hubbard, OT Materials, Robert Mueller, Sam Nunberg
“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige’s hair finally got piled so high and over-tinted that the ecclesiastical leader was mistaken for Marge Simpson,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“An investigation by RTC has revealed that COB’s hair turned blue after his colorist flubbed the dye job. This is not a laughing matter,” Delusion noted. “It is, factually and cold-bloodedly speaking, an aesthetic crisis of magnitude!”
“COB obviously can’t open the new Ideal Org in Vladivostok until cosmetic repairs have been completed. COB must also avoid high winds lest he be tipped over like a motorhome in a tornado.”