“People have asked we in Scientology why our paid apologist Massimo Introvigne sleeps in an open coffin located in the CESNUR library,” Church spokesman Ken Delusion noted in response to questions. “Massimo […]
Scientology Switching to Virtual Reality Googles in the New Scienoverse to Fix Decades of Unreality on the OT Levels
“The Church of Scientology’s new OT levels will be done with virtual reality googles in the Scienoverse,” announced Senior C/S Int Mr. Ken Delusion. “Extensive surveys conducted at our AO’s indicate that […]
Afterlife Implanting Station Photographed Using New Mark 8 Ghost Camera
“In a revolutionary breakthrough for the ages,” said Dr. Ken Delusion, “New OT10 James Swope-Covington caustively dropped his body, died, and was pulled into an Afterlife Implanting Station on Mars!” “Whereupon, he […]
McDonald’s Egg McMuffin Turns 50 Years Old; Curiously Continues to Outsell Scientology
“How the f*ck does this happen?” screamed COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige. “How does a breakfast sandwich outsell Scientology for 50 years?” “The agonized fate of every man, woman, and child on […]
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Didn’t Go Clear this Lifetime? Donate to the “I’m Going Clear in My Next Lifetime” Club!
“Tens of millions of now older Scientologists never attained the State of Clear in this lifetime,” declared Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “There were many barriers to attaining Clear,” Delusion noted. “Suppression, money, […]
Humanitarian Crisis Unfolds as The Freewinds Becomes Stuck in Suez Canal. Millions of Muslims in the Middle East Denied Scientology!
“The Freewinds was steaming through the Suez Canal to deliver the OT levels to millions of Muslims in the Middle East clamoring for Scientology,” explained Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Muslim world […]
Scientology Volunteer Ministers Distribute Ten Million Coat Hangers
“Wogs are unbelievably stupid and incapable,” said Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Scientology Public Safety Programs. “Only we in Scientology know how to do anything. We are the experts on the mind, […]
Launch of Boeing Built Scientology Spaceship: Critical Mission Update
While the the wogs were buzzing with the Christmas R6 implant, we in the Church of Scientology labored at Lunar Base 47. Our goal: Conquest of the Earth by Scientology. Galactic Fleet […]