Tag Archives: Ken Delusion

Archeo-Scientologists Discover an Intact 75-Million Year Old Spaceplane!

Just as the discovery of 50,000 year old fossilized e-meter shocked the world and proved the antiquity of Scientology, the latest discovery by Dr. Ken Delusion’s team of Archeo-Scientologists is guaranteed to stun the world!

After using hundreds of bulldozers and over a million tons of dynamite to clear cut over one million acres of pristine Andean rain forest, Dr. Delusion and his team today discovered an intact DC-8 spaceplane that crash-landed 75,000,000 years ago near one of the principal volcanoes of Earth.

“This is huge. Just huge,” exclaimed Dr. Delusion. “The haters mock Scientology over claims that (redacted) kidnapped trillions of people on other planets 75,000,000 years ago and dumped them into the volcanoes of Earth — which was then called Teegeeack — but our discovery of the DC-8 spaceplane proves Incident II of OT III actually happened!”

“Archeo-Scientology has far exceeded anything the Mormons have produced in their dubious archeological attempts to prove that Jesus was in North America preaching to New World Jews.”

“Yeah, right,” sniffed Dr. Delusion. “A blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white-skinned Jesus flew over from Jerusalem on El Al and preached to Jewish Incas. The guy would’ve needed a lot of sunscreen along the equator. Whatever. I don’t care so long as the Mormons let we in Scientology keep our money in their Zions Bank to conceal, err, protect it.” In related news, the Nation of Islam has applauded the work and opinions of Dr. Delusion and his team of highly trained Archeo-Scientologists.

Scientology to Turn Its Glut of Empty Ideal Orgs into Airbnb’s

“With a glut of empty Ideal Orgs splattered across the continents of Earth, we in Scientology are hemorrhaging cash paying for the upkeep on all of this square footage. Accordingly, Scientology will be turning its Ideal Orgs into Airbnb’s,” announced Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Rent one room, one floor, or the entire Org for a day, a week, or a month. These Ideal Orgs have all been lavishly renovated. However, please be advised that you must bring your own toilet paper as we in Scientology do not provide anyone with free toilet paper ever. That is one of Scientology’s most sacred sacraments.”

David Miscavige Fires Everyone Working at Scientology TV!

Complaining that there was not enough gold ornamentation on his stage set and that the video lacked color saturation, David Miscavige today fired everyone who worked for Scientology TV.

“COB is very demanding,” explained Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “He wants more gold and more color. He wants his stage set to look like the Ark of the Covenant and dazzle the viewer. Scientology TV didn’t deliver and so everyone was fired, beaten, and assigned the condition of Non-Existence.”

Facebook Stock Price Hammered Due to Its Attacks on Scientology!

“Facebook shares have been hammered in the last two days,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Here is the cold-blooded truth: Facebook pulled in the worst-ever single day stock market statcrash because it allowed hundreds of millions of people to attack Scientology on Facebook!”

“The only way Mark Zuckerberg can hope to save his company is by coming to his senses and removing all of the SP’s and content from Facebook that is critical of Scientology — and the same holds true of Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube!”

David Miscavige Wardrobe Malfunction Leads to a Morals Charge; Big Pharma Behind the Plot!

DM.Compromising.Position

“It’s not what it looks like,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Brigadier General was merely helping COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with a wardrobe malfunction.”

“That this was escalated into a morals charge of public lewdness and the arrest of both men by the authorities in Barbados is a disgrace!” roared Delusion.

“Big Pharma was clearly behind this attempt to embarrass the world’s greatest ecclesiastical leader as he was being awarded the Velveeta Cheese Company’s Medal for Ease of Spreadability in the religious products sold by we in Scientology.”

 

California Highway Patrol Shuts Down Scientology “Danger Process” in Downtown Los Angeles

“The new Scientology Danger Process calls for Scientologists to hang upside down for twelve hours over the 110 freeway in Downtown Los Angeles while suspended from a rope,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“If the Scientologist weakens and loses their grip on the rope, he or she will plunge to the freeway below and be brutally crushed to death by the thousands of cars hurtling by at high speeds,” Delusion noted.

“During the initial launch of the Danger Process, the California Highway Patrol intervened and shut it down. In doing so, the CHP trampled on Scientology’s freedom of religion,” Delusion complained. “As a result, we in Scientology will be suing the CHP for five billion dollars. Scientologists have a right to practice their religion in whatever way we choose and wog governments be damned!”

Xenu’s Criminal Associate Arrested


“Spacelord Xenu’s long-time criminal associate Darth Vader was arrested and taken into custody at the Scientology World Fair in Hemet,” announced International Justice Chief Mr. Ken Delusion.

“Vader was spotted in the Operating Thetan Pavilion trying to steal upper level materials as these fetch astronomically high prices on both the Marcabian Black Market and in Hong Kong,” Delusion reported.

“Alert RTC security forces overpowered and apprehended Vader — a criminal fugitive who has been on Scientology’s Top Ten Most Wanted Listed since 1983. Vader will be imprisoned in an electronic mountain prison without bail while he awaits trial on millions of felony charges of Implanting Humans by use of Reverse Dianetics.