Tag Archives: Ken Delusion

The Church of Scientology is Fabulous and Huge!

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“The global demand for Scientology is huge, just incredibly huge,” exclaimed Scientology Media Czar Ken Delusion. “Folks, Scientology is fabulous, just fabulous. We are a winning Church with beautiful people.”

“Let me be clear on Scientology’s huge results: COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige continues to open Ideal Orgs at a blistering pace of 33 per day. That is amazing. We now have 217,918 Ideal Orgs scattered across the fifteen continents and 3208 countries of the world. Even in Tanzania folks. Scientology is everywhere. We are even under your bed at night when you sleep.”

“Literally we are under your bed beaming waves into your mind at night while you sleep. And that is why Scientology doesn’t want you to take Psych drugs or NyQuil or drink alcohol before you go to bed at night as these drugs block our waves from reaching deeply into your mind.”

“We want you to be fabulous and huge just like the rest of us in Scientology. That can only happen if you cooperate and let Scientology into your mind. Once we are in your mind then *POW!* the magic happens! You become one of us!”

“And now a public service message:

Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Orders Scientology Security Forces to Stand Down in Clearwater

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After an intense 48 hour manhunt and dragnet conducted by over 1,200 members of Scientology’s security forces, it has been determined that Tony Ortega was not in Clearwater. Nevertheless, the threat of his mere presence in Clearwater resulted in a DEFCON 5 red alert and the deployment of all available security forces. Following the stand down order, Scientologists may safely leave their panic rooms and return to their course rooms.

“Flag Land Base is safe once again thanks to valiant efforts Fleet Admiral David Miscavige to safeguard Scientology,” said Church spokesman Captain Ken Delusion, CO of the Parishioner Action Response Allied Network Operational International Agency (PARANOIA).

“PARANOIA is in constant action within Scientology,” emphasized Delusion. “It is a dangerous world out there and PARANOIA is, for the Scientologist, all that stands between danger and safety. For this reason, Scientologists must double and triple their IAS donations to keep Scientology’s PARANOIA fully funded. The OSA Staff at the Scientology PARANOIA control center tracks all SP’s 24/7/365 and is ready to launch a full scale response as happened over the weekend when a possible Ortega sighting was telephoned into the PARANOIA Crisis Center.”

How to Determine if a Scientologist is in Good Standing with the Church of Scientology

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All Scientologists are like Schrödinger’s cat in the box: They are simultaneously in good standing and not in good standing with the Church. If a radioactive legal particle adverse to the Church appears, the flask inside the box is broken and suppressive acts on the part of the Scientologist named in the legal papers are detected. The box is opened by the IJC and the wave function collapses down into the state in which the Scientologist is not in good standing in with the Church.

In Scientology the designation “In Good Standing With the Church” remains governed at all times by the Scientology Uncertainty Principle. This principle states that a Scientologist is only as valuable as he or she can continuously donate money to Scientology and never become a legal or PR problem. However, the Scientologist can never know if they have donated enough money or have become a legal or PR problem.

All Scientology certs and awards are also governed by the Scientology Uncertainty Principle and thus, the wave function of certs and awards can suddenly collapse down into an outcome in which all certs and awards are cancelled.

It is only possible to know a Scientologist’s level on the Bridge or their standing with the Church. One cannot know both. One can know, for example, if a Scientologist is a Clear or an OT but that does not tell you if they are in good standing with the Church or a declared SP. Not even the Scientologist knows. Only the IJC knows and, even then, the IJC only knows what COB tells him he may or may not know. Again, this is the Scientology Uncertainty Principle at work.

“In Good Standing” therefore remains, at all times, a purely quantum mechanical probability governed by the laws of legal and PR interactions within the seemingly oddball system of Scientology metaphysics. As Ken Delusion himself has said, “If you claim to understand Scientology then you don’t.”

Scientology National Affairs Office — Press Release

Scientology National Affairs Office
1701 20th St NW
Washington, DC 20009

PRESS RELEASE

Scientologist Trish Duggan today met with senior Trump administration officials to lobby for the establishment of an Office of Scientology in the White House (OSWH). The OSWH would act as an executive police body to sec check and find the crimes of Senators and Congresspeople and other CICS government officials who show SP tendencies towards the President. The OSWH would also burglarize government offices as needed given Scientology’s historical experience in high level burglaries. Mr. Don Alverzo would be the Burglaries IC.

President Trump expressed interest but said that Scientology’s proposed prices for these services were an outrageous ripoff. Fleet Admiral David Miscavige quickly offered steep discounts for sec checking if the President promised to protect Scientology’s tax exemption and give Scientology protection from the FBI, IRS, and law enforcement agencies domestic and foreign.

Fleet Admiral Miscavige demonstrated the e-meter at a press conference today. This was followed by Mr. Ken Delusion conducting a tour of Scientology’s vitally needed new Clay Demo facility in Washington DC.

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Church of Scientology: We Oppose Fake News!

THETAN“As the most ethical group on the planet, we in the Church of Scientology oppose fake news,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Unlike the truths we speak in Scientology, fake news is damaging, misleading, and acts to harm thetans by implanting them with false data — and we in Scientology would never implant anyone with false data, lies, or fake news.”

“Furthermore, we in Scientology are deeply harmed by the literally tens of thousands of fake news stories out there on the internet, on television, and even in the theaters that portray the Church of Scientology as a greedy, thieving, scumbag criminal organization.”

Hustler.Dave“These fake news stories peddled by the Psychs also slanderously portray Scientology’s global ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige as a ravening, violent, and ill-tempered hoodlum who is propelled along in life by his own narcissism, insatiable greed, and caprice.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth! Mr. Miscavige is a humanitarian greater than even Gandhi!”

“These fake news stories further seek to impugn Scientology’s Founder who was a nuclear physicist, a Civil Engineer, and a heavily decorated WWII combat hero.”

“All of this fake news is outrageous and must stop or we in Scientology will sue everyone in the world!”

Church of Scientology: We Have Been the Victims of Fake News for Decades!

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Chairman of the Board, Religious Technology Center,  Mr. Dennis Miscavige

“We in the Church of Scientology have been the victims of fake news for decades!” proclaimed Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “These fake news stories about Scientology have been spread by the unholy trinity of Psychiatry, Big Pharma, and the CIA,” Delusion averred.

“Fake news stories about Scientology are constantly planted in the media. These fake new stories accuse Scientology of being a criminal syndicate that employs brainwashing, hypnotism, coercion, isolation, threats, flattery, and even blackmail in order to engage in an alleged systematic wealth extraction scheme that preys upon and exploits emotionally vulnerable people — and particularly celebrities.”

“This is not true,” Delusion affirmed.

“What is true is what’s true for you,” Delusion emphasized. “And what’s true for Scientologists is that Scientology is all about creating a planet without war, crime, or insanity.”

“And if, in order to reach this lofty goal, we in Scientology must engage in war, crime, and insanity why then we are just fighting with fire!”

Scientology Matters

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A man dressed in a gorilla outfit and wearing a t-shirt that read “Scientology Matters” ran onto the field during Sunday’s NFL game between the Bears and the Lions. Tackled by security and taken into custody by police, the costumed assailant was identified as Tyler Barrington-Swope, scion of the Barrington-Swope telex dynasty of Chicago.

Barrington-Swope told police he was an “upper level” Scientologist  and had run onto the field in order to draw attention to the Gorilla Goals. He further stated that his actions were a part of working his way out of what he described as “lower conditions.”

When asked what the Gorilla Goals were,  Barrington-Swope explained:

The Gorilla Goals were a series of implants created by invaders from Helatrobus “between about 319 trillion years ago to about 256 trillion trillion years ago. They were given in an amusement park with a single tunnel, a roller coaster and a Ferris wheel … The symbol of a Gorilla was always present in the place the goal was given. Sometimes a large gorilla, black, was seen elsewhere than the park. A mechanical or a live gorilla was always seen in the park. This activity was conducted by the Hoipolloi, a group of operators in meat body societies. They were typical carnival people. They let out concessions for these implant “Amusement Parks.” A pink-striped white shirt with sleeve garters was the uniform of the Hoipolloi. Such a figure often rode on the roller coaster cars. Monkeys were also used on the cars. Elephants sometimes formed part of the equipment. (“Routine 3N: Line Plots”, HCOB 14 July 1963)

Barrington-Swope was charged with misdemeanor mischief and released. When asked to comment on the matter, Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion said the public should expect to see more such displays of Scientology activism.

“We in Scientology plan to escalate our disruptive conduct in order to pay the world back for its many decades of ridiculing us as rank cultists and mocking our rather esoteric, incredibly expensive, and brutal belief system.”

We’re here, we’re Clear, get over it!” Delusion shouted at reporters.