Tag Archives: Ken Delusion

Scientologist Tom Cruise Quits Acting to Become an Auditor in the Sea Org

Scientologist Tom Cruise announced today that he has quit his acting career to become an auditor in the Sea Org. “This planet’s not going to get cleared unless I help,” said Cruise. “That’s why I’ve become a Sea Org auditor at the Celebrity Centre — and that’s what all of us have to do: We have to sacrifice now to help to get this planet cleared.”

Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion remarked that, “Tom Cruise’s first preclear is a tough case, a new Scientologist named Harvey Weinstein. Tom already has Harvey writing up his crimes and this may take years to complete.”

Delusion Reveals the WHY for Why Scientology Media Productions Is Not Broadcasting

“By actual survey, Scientology parishioners are asking the WHY for why Scientology Media Productions is not broadcasting,” said spokesman Ken Delusion. “More than a few Scientologists have noted that Leah Remini has been able to broadcast an entheta show week after week — and even win an Emmy — while SMP sits idly by and does nothing about it, this despite Scientology’s motto that ‘Something Can Be Done About It.'”

“The answer is that the CST Deep Space Antenna Array in New Mexico has not yet received signal from the Founder on Target Two authorizing SMP to begin broadcasting.”

“An obscure clause in the Founder’s last will and testament requires his direct permission by Telex radio communication from T2 before ‘any Scientology entity may broadcast tele-vision or radio waves containing copyrighted Scientology content into the public airwaves.'”

“T2 is many light years away. SMP expects to get operational authorization from T2 in about 25,000 years,” Delusion noted. “And when we get that authorization, the station is ready to flip a switch and begin broadcasting. Until then, there are COB events and LRH Congresses to listen to for the next 25,000 years.”

Scientology OTX Test Run Goes Terribly Wrong

“Due to a catastrophic malfunction of the OTX Eye Injector at Flag Land Base, the pilot run of OTX went terribly wrong,” said Flag Medical Director Dr. Ken Delusion.

“While we at Flag regret this malfunction and the inconvenience it has caused  our volunteer Mr. Victor Volpe-Suarez of the Tampa Org, we can all take comfort in the fact that there are plenty more Flag rejects at the Tampa Org we can experiment on until we get this darned thing right. OTX will be debugged and eventually released no matter how many Tampa publics it takes,” emphasized Dr. Delusion.

The Church of Stock Photo Scientologists

Alicia.Selverson

The Church of Stock Photo Scientologists (CSPS) is a church within the ecclesiastical hierarchy of the churches of Scientology.

The CSPS exists to ensure that the Church of Scientology never has less than 12,000,000 members no matter what.

“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige really likes Stock Photo Scientologists as they they have no HE&R, are not CICS, and they say whatever Mr. Miscavige wants them to say. Moreover, Stock Photo Scientologists are all young and beautiful Caucasians with perfect white teeth,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “In other words Stock Photo Scientologists are PR perfect Scientologists!”

Scientology: The Marcabs Wanted You to Think It Was an Eclipse!

Eclipse

“The Marcabs aka the Psychs wanted you to think it was an eclipse — and they fooled everyone except true Scientologists,” said Dr. Ken Delusion, nuclear physicist and Executive Director of Scientology’s Extraterrestrial Threat Investigations (E/D SETI)

“A giant Marcabian mothership impersonated the moon and passed in front of the sun,” Delusion explained. “In doing so, the Marcabs scanned and electronically tagged all of the wogs in its path. These tagged wogs will be seized as prisoners in the Marcab mass landing — a landing which is coming very soon unless Scientology can get 10,000 people up and onto Solo NOTs, all Orgs become Ideal, and all Orgs become old St. Hill sized!”

“Scientologists were protected as they all dressed in tinfoil suits and took shelter in our lead-lined Ideal Orgs.”

“If you are a wog and were scanned and electronically tagged, your only hope is to get yourself into the Scientology Purification Rundown and the special Marcab Repair Rundown. A package price of $25,000 USD is available. Call now. Operators are standing by.”

Scientology on Lockdown as Hurricane Leah Approaches

 

Scientology is on lockdown as Hurricane Leah makes landfall tonight on A&E. Scientology and the Aftermath.