Tag Archives: scientology spokesman

David Miscavige Wardrobe Malfunction Leads to a Morals Charge; Big Pharma Behind the Plot!

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“It’s not what it looks like,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Brigadier General was merely helping COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with a wardrobe malfunction.”

“That this was escalated into a morals charge of public lewdness and the arrest of both men by the authorities in Barbados is a disgrace!” roared Delusion.

“Big Pharma was clearly behind this attempt to embarrass the world’s greatest ecclesiastical leader as he was being awarded the Velveeta Cheese Company’s Medal for Ease of Spreadability in the religious products sold by we in Scientology.”

 

Scientology Outsources Part of Its Heavy Workload to the Catholic Church

“Due to the highest ever straight up and vertical expansion resulting from Scientology TV, Scientology is now outsourcing some of its BT exorcism workload to the Catholic Church,” said spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The Catholics have been in the exorcism business since the time of Jesus,” Delusion noted. “And the exorcism business has never been better or more lucrative than today.”

“Exorcisms are up in the Catholic Church and Scientology by over 47,000%. What this means is that Psych drugs aren’t working because the real cause of all modern problems are demonic body thetans,” concluded Delusion. “SP’s can mock what Scientology teaches about how BT’s came to be, but SP mockery doesn’t change the fact of what happened 75,000,000 years ago. It’s all true and quite savage and ghastly.”

“Only Scientology can help,” Delusion emphasized. “But until we get 150,000 more GAT II auditors trained, we’re using Catholic priests on an interim basis.”

Church of Scientology to Install Toilet Paper Dispensers in Ideal Orgs

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In response to a recent survey of Scientology parishioners, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Ideal Orgs to install for-pay toilet paper dispensers. This will allow Scientologists to purchase either coarse of fine grade sheets of toilet paper.

“For the Church of Scientology to just give toilet paper away for free would be completely out exchange,” explained Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Bowel Movementology.  “And so COB decided to offer coarse and fine grades of toilet paper. The fine grade toilet paper is “highly deluxe movie star grade toilet paper” and obviously costs a small fortune. This is the stuff Tom Cruise uses.”

“The coarse grade stuff is an economy tissue we purchase from Bulgravia. Made from recycled asphalt dyed white, it is rough but much cheaper. It is perfect for downstat Scientologists who lack the wherewithal and reach to afford the fine toilet paper.”

Church of Scientology: We Have Been the Victims of Fake News for Decades!

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Chairman of the Board, Religious Technology Center,  Mr. Dennis Miscavige

“We in the Church of Scientology have been the victims of fake news for decades!” proclaimed Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “These fake news stories about Scientology have been spread by the unholy trinity of Psychiatry, Big Pharma, and the CIA,” Delusion averred.

“Fake news stories about Scientology are constantly planted in the media. These fake new stories accuse Scientology of being a criminal syndicate that employs brainwashing, hypnotism, coercion, isolation, threats, flattery, and even blackmail in order to engage in an alleged systematic wealth extraction scheme that preys upon and exploits emotionally vulnerable people — and particularly celebrities.”

“This is not true,” Delusion affirmed.

“What is true is what’s true for you,” Delusion emphasized. “And what’s true for Scientologists is that Scientology is all about creating a planet without war, crime, or insanity.”

“And if, in order to reach this lofty goal, we in Scientology must engage in war, crime, and insanity why then we are just fighting with fire!”

The Psychiatric Illuminati Behind “Burning Man” Incinerate Mankind’s Only Hope of Salvation in a Scientology Witch Hunt

“Once again the Psychiatric Illuminati have attacked Mankind’s only hope of salvation when they burned Scientology scripture in their Scientology witch hunt,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Freedom Magazine has discovered that the Psychs behind Burning Man had premeditated this plot to burn Scientology in effigy while pretending it was an ‘artistic statement’ decrying our sacred doctrine of Disconnection. Yet as actual study on art by the Founder has shown, artists would never call sacrilege art. Serious artists such as Tom Cruise only make art that has a high aesthetic wavelength.”

“This bonfire unequivocally proves that the anti-Scientology community has now become far worse than OSA, Fair Game, RPF, Sea Org child labor, Sea Org slavery, and Disconnection rolled into one,” complained Delusion. “Setting ablaze a depiction of our holy religious doctrine of Disconnection is an act of hate.”

“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has authorized the IAS to spend $1.2 billion dollars to purchase 500,000 acres of land in the Black Rock desert of Gerlach, Nevada. This privatization of the land will put an end to all future Burning Man festivals. That Burning Man is backed by the Psychiatric Illuminati is easily proven by the blasphemous Temple of Xenu at which human sacrifices were conducted,” Delusion noted.

Church of Scientology Asks FBI to Clear It of All Criminal Charges

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After the FBI cleared Hillary Clinton of a felony violation of “Section 793(f) of the federal penal code (Title 18): With lawful access to highly classified information she acted with gross negligence in removing and causing it to be removed it from its proper place of custody, and she transmitted it and caused it to be transmitted to others not authorized to have it, in patent violation of her trust,” the Church of Scientology has made a very generous cash donation to President Obama’s Presidential Library Fund to get the highly coveted “Hillary Fix.”

Said Church spokesman Ken Delusion, “Scientology fully expects to be cleared by the FBI of charges of child labor, human trafficking, financial fraud, kidnapping, slavery, R-1 Visa fraud, extortion, money laundering, assault and battery, conspiracy, and a few other RICO type felonies that Scientology did not intend to engage in but may have accidentally engaged in due to carelessness. ”

“Sure, Scientology may have made some mistakes,” admitted Delusion, “and we feel terrible about those mistakes. But what we want the public to know is that these mistakes were only made due to our haste to put in Scientology Ethics on the Planet in order to help Clear this sector of the galaxy.”

“In appreciation of Scientology’s heroic and monumental donation to President Obama’s Presidential Library Fund,” Delusion added, “President Obama awarded COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige the Presidential Medal of Freedom.”

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Scientology Boss David Miscavige Hires Jared Fogle as Spokesman

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Church of Scientology Media Relations VP Ken Delusion confirmed today that Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige has hired Jared Fogle to be a spokesman for the Church’s new Scientology Media Productions unit.

“Although disgraced as Subway’s long-time pitchman, Mr. Miscavige believes Jared Fogle can be quickly and easily rehabilitated by Scientology’s unique methods and thereby become an effective spokesman for the Church,” said Delusion.

“Jared Fogle successfully convinced millions of people over the course of decades that mediocre and overpriced Subway sandwiches loaded with sodium, fat, and preservatives are healthy because Subway threw some vegetables on them,” Delusion noted. “And in the process of doing so, Fogle  boomed Subway’s sales and profits and earned himself $15,000,000.”

“Mr. Miscavige believes that Jared Fogle’s singularly persuasive abilities to hype an eminently mediocre, largely stale, and overpriced product is something the Church of Scientology desperately needs right now,” Delusion emphasized.

“Despite Fogle’s ethical lapses, Mr. Miscavige is confident that Fogle can still contribute to Scientology during his extended guest stay in a state facility. Moreover,” Delusion concluded, “the Church of Scientology already has a bunch of criminals in senior positions on staff and so what’s one more?”