Tag Archives: scientology spokesman

Church of Scientology to Install Toilet Paper Dispensers in Ideal Orgs

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In response to a recent survey of Scientology parishioners, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Ideal Orgs to install for-pay toilet paper dispensers. This will allow Scientologists to purchase either coarse of fine grade sheets of toilet paper.

“For the Church of Scientology to just give toilet paper away for free would be completely out exchange,” explained Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Bowel Movementology.  “And so COB decided to offer coarse and fine grades of toilet paper. The fine grade toilet paper is “highly deluxe movie star grade toilet paper” and obviously costs a small fortune. This is the stuff Tom Cruise uses.”

“The coarse grade stuff is an economy tissue we purchase from Bulgravia. Made from recycled asphalt dyed white, it is rough but much cheaper. It is perfect for downstat Scientologists who lack the wherewithal and reach to afford the fine toilet paper.”

Church of Scientology: We Have Been the Victims of Fake News for Decades!

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Chairman of the Board, Religious Technology Center,  Mr. Dennis Miscavige

“We in the Church of Scientology have been the victims of fake news for decades!” proclaimed Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “These fake news stories about Scientology have been spread by the unholy trinity of Psychiatry, Big Pharma, and the CIA,” Delusion averred.

“Fake news stories about Scientology are constantly planted in the media. These fake new stories accuse Scientology of being a criminal syndicate that employs brainwashing, hypnotism, coercion, isolation, threats, flattery, and even blackmail in order to engage in an alleged systematic wealth extraction scheme that preys upon and exploits emotionally vulnerable people — and particularly celebrities.”

“This is not true,” Delusion affirmed.

“What is true is what’s true for you,” Delusion emphasized. “And what’s true for Scientologists is that Scientology is all about creating a planet without war, crime, or insanity.”

“And if, in order to reach this lofty goal, we in Scientology must engage in war, crime, and insanity why then we are just fighting with fire!”

The Psychiatric Illuminati Behind “Burning Man” Incinerate Mankind’s Only Hope of Salvation in a Scientology Witch Hunt

“Once again the Psychiatric Illuminati have attacked Mankind’s only hope of salvation when they burned Scientology scripture in their Scientology witch hunt,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Freedom Magazine has discovered that the Psychs behind Burning Man had premeditated this plot to burn Scientology in effigy while pretending it was an ‘artistic statement’ decrying our sacred doctrine of Disconnection. Yet as actual study on art by the Founder has shown, artists would never call sacrilege art. Serious artists such as Tom Cruise only make art that has a high aesthetic wavelength.”

“This bonfire unequivocally proves that the anti-Scientology community has now become far worse than OSA, Fair Game, RPF, Sea Org child labor, Sea Org slavery, and Disconnection rolled into one,” complained Delusion. “Setting ablaze a depiction of our holy religious doctrine of Disconnection is an act of hate.”

“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has authorized the IAS to spend $1.2 billion dollars to purchase 500,000 acres of land in the Black Rock desert of Gerlach, Nevada. This privatization of the land will put an end to all future Burning Man festivals. That Burning Man is backed by the Psychiatric Illuminati is easily proven by the blasphemous Temple of Xenu at which human sacrifices were conducted,” Delusion noted.

Church of Scientology Asks FBI to Clear It of All Criminal Charges

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After the FBI cleared Hillary Clinton of a felony violation of “Section 793(f) of the federal penal code (Title 18): With lawful access to highly classified information she acted with gross negligence in removing and causing it to be removed it from its proper place of custody, and she transmitted it and caused it to be transmitted to others not authorized to have it, in patent violation of her trust,” the Church of Scientology has made a very generous cash donation to President Obama’s Presidential Library Fund to get the highly coveted “Hillary Fix.”

Said Church spokesman Ken Delusion, “Scientology fully expects to be cleared by the FBI of charges of child labor, human trafficking, financial fraud, kidnapping, slavery, R-1 Visa fraud, extortion, money laundering, assault and battery, conspiracy, and a few other RICO type felonies that Scientology did not intend to engage in but may have accidentally engaged in due to carelessness. ”

“Sure, Scientology may have made some mistakes,” admitted Delusion, “and we feel terrible about those mistakes. But what we want the public to know is that these mistakes were only made due to our haste to put in Scientology Ethics on the Planet in order to help Clear this sector of the galaxy.”

“In appreciation of Scientology’s heroic and monumental donation to President Obama’s Presidential Library Fund,” Delusion added, “President Obama awarded COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige the Presidential Medal of Freedom.”

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Scientology Boss David Miscavige Hires Jared Fogle as Spokesman

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Church of Scientology Media Relations VP Ken Delusion confirmed today that Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige has hired Jared Fogle to be a spokesman for the Church’s new Scientology Media Productions unit.

“Although disgraced as Subway’s long-time pitchman, Mr. Miscavige believes Jared Fogle can be quickly and easily rehabilitated by Scientology’s unique methods and thereby become an effective spokesman for the Church,” said Delusion.

“Jared Fogle successfully convinced millions of people over the course of decades that mediocre and overpriced Subway sandwiches loaded with sodium, fat, and preservatives are healthy because Subway threw some vegetables on them,” Delusion noted. “And in the process of doing so, Fogle  boomed Subway’s sales and profits and earned himself $15,000,000.”

“Mr. Miscavige believes that Jared Fogle’s singularly persuasive abilities to hype an eminently mediocre, largely stale, and overpriced product is something the Church of Scientology desperately needs right now,” Delusion emphasized.

“Despite Fogle’s ethical lapses, Mr. Miscavige is confident that Fogle can still contribute to Scientology during his extended guest stay in a state facility. Moreover,” Delusion concluded, “the Church of Scientology already has a bunch of criminals in senior positions on staff and so what’s one more?”

Man of the People: Pope David Miscavige Eats at IHOP

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Flush from his historic and triumphal Papal visit to Oildale, Scientology Pontiff David Miscavige today ate breakfast with the common people at an IHOP in Fresno, California.

“Pope Miscavige is working hard to show that he is a man of the people,” said Church of Scientology spokesman Monsignor Ken Delusion. “Pope Francis riding around in his little Fiat isn’t the only ‘ordinary guy’ out there among the global religious leaders of the world.”

“Frankly,” declared  Monsignor Delusion, “we in the Church of Scientology are darned sick and tired of the wog media gushing all over Pope Francis while they ignore Pope Miscavige — a man whose monumental OT accomplishments put Pope Francis to shame.”

“Pope Francis has yet to launch the Golden Age of Catholicism II or announce the world’s largest all-digital on-demand publishing house — let alone open 22,357 Ideal Orgs or create the world’s largest religious film studio!”

Pope Miscavige’s “Man of the People Tour” continues with its next stop in Redding, California where the Pontiff will speak on “The Ten Most Deadly Engrams and Implants” at the Unitarian Church.

Church of Scientology Rushed to Hospital after Going Clear wins Three Emmy’s!

Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced a violent public outburst followed by a massive panic attack  brought on by HBO’s Going Clearambulance-ride winning three Emmy’s.

“The rageaholic 65-year-old cult has been apoplectic and foaming at the mouth  ever since Going Clear was first screened,”  commented Dr. Phloat Eng Needel of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.

“The news of the three Emmy sweep was just too much for the Church to process. When it heard the news, the Church began screaming hysterically and lashing out  at passersby and tourists on Hollywood Boulevard. Scientology was literally trying to attack and beat people with rolled up copies of The Way to Happiness.”

“After this frenzied outburst, Scientology suddenly became disoriented and collapsed on the sidewalk where it began hyperventilating and screaming at onlookers that it was about to die.”

“Concerned citizens dialed 911. The Church was transported by ambulance to the ICU here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” remarked Dr. Needel. “This is Scientology’s fourth trip here in less than a year due to a psychiatric emergency. Clearly this is yet another Hollywood religion in need of psychiatric intervention.”

“An MRI confirmed that the Church of Scientology has a very serious and advanced case of third degree butthurt. There is no known treatment for these episodic panic attacks; they are a part of the psychopathology of butthurtus extremis.”

“The long term prognosis for the Scientology Cult is not good,” Dr. Needel solemnly concluded. “Scientology appears to have developed chronic and irremediable butthurt and may need to be put into an assisted living facility such as a prison.”