Tag Archives: church of scientology

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology:

 

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Christmas Greetings from Scientology Supreme Leader David Miscavige

MV Freewinds Accidentally Scrapped


“Captain Mike Napier was at Flag for a heavy Ethics cycle. This left Ensign Nandor Vörös in charge of the vessel. In what has to be the worst telex error in the entire history of Scientology, the MV Freewinds was scrapped this past week,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Captain Napier had left orders for the ship to be ‘scraped‘ as in ‘scrape off the barnacles and the hull in preparation for painting.’ However, Ensign Vörös, whose native language is Hungarian, read the telex incorrectly and had the vessel immediately scrapped in a shipbreaking yard in Colombia.”

“A Comm Ev found that no clay demo of the order to scrape the ship had been done. $100,000,000 is needed right now for a new ship. OTIX and OTX cannot be delivered as promised without a new ship,” Delusion noted. “COB has also ordered a stop to OTVIII as that level too can can only be done on a ship.”

“The sudden loss of the ship is a disaster for Scientology Media Productions as well, “Delusion added. “SMP’s first swashbuckling feature film Scientology: Buggery on the High Seas was to be shot aboard the Freewinds. Based on an LRH screenplay, the film was to be broadcast globally by SMP. COB has fired off an RTC why-finding mission to ferret out the hidden Psychs behind this fiasco!”

Danny Masterson Appearance at Scientology’s Christmas Party Cancelled

Scientologists Jenna Elfman, Laura Prepon, Erika Christensen, and Danny Masterson in the “good old days” before Masterson was accused of raping four women

“Danny Masterson’s traditional appearance as Santa Claus at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s Christmas gala has been cancelled,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

When asked to comment on the allegations that Scientologist Danny “Donkey Punch” Masterson raped four women, and may have even choked or drugged them during the alleged rapes, Delusion stated, ““The Church adamantly denies the implication the Church would ignore the criminal behavior of certain members, especially at the expense of alleged victims. What is being stated is utterly untrue. This has nothing to do with religion. This story is being manipulated to push a bigoted agenda. The Church follows all laws and cooperates with law enforcement. Any statement or implication to the contrary is false.”

When asked what his bloviating non-statement actually meant, Delusion remarked that if saving Scientology meant throwing Masterson under the bus then COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has decreed that this would happen. “Look,” Delusion said, “the Democrats are going to throw Senator Al Franken under the bus to save the party. Well then we in Scientology are doing the same thing with Danny Masterson after our extensive efforts at stonewalling and bribery have failed. Our friends at the LAPD and the L.A. District Attorney’s Office are getting real nervous about the Masterson situation. And if they’re nervous why then Mr. Miscavige is nervous too.”

“If Danny Masterson is convicted and goes to prison then it means that he was never a real Scientologist. Delusion noted. “Therefore, declaring him an SP and getting rid of him is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

Netflix could not be reached for comment as it was hiding under its desk and had the door to its office locked.

David Miscavige: Scientology is in a SERIOUS CRISIS and Needs More Money Now!

DM.Hair

“Scientology is in a SERIOUS CRISIS and needs more money now!” brayed COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige at the Maiden Beating Event.

“Never in the entire agonized history of this planet has Scientology ever been in a more SERIOUS CRISIS. Never has Scientology ever needed money like it needs now!”

When asked what the SERIOUS CRISIS was, Mr. Miscavige would only say that it was an unspecified serious crisis that could, if given sufficient money, be resolved by next Thursday at 2:00PM.

After COB’s announcement of the dire and unspecified crisis, Scientology OT’s retired to the ballroom and gorged themselves on lobster, steak, shrimp, baked goods, pies, cakes, champagnes, cognacs, fine wines, rich chocolate deserts, and creamy white cake with buttercream frosting. Newly-minted Clear Stacy Francis regaled the crowd with her musical stylings some have compared to Yoko Ono.

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Did someone mention Scientology media whores?

Welcome to Scientology

Welcome.to.Scn

Welcome to Scientology. We’ll begin by having you get rid of your suppressive family. BTW, you can’t watch ScientologyTheAftermath or we’ll declare you an SP!