“With Sea Org recruitment at an all time low, we in Scientology have decided to target children,” announced Ken Delusion.
“We’re using colorful clown vending machines at toy stores, ice cream parlors, and other places children like.”
“As a child approaches the colorful vending machine, a trap door opens up and swallows the child.”
“Children are nothing more than trillion year old thetans in little bodies. Sea Org life will toughen up these freeloading little phonies who want to exploit “growing up” into their 20’s!
The New Flag Management Team L – R: Nigel Fremont; Dr. Stanley H. D. Dumont; Chester Hillsborough; David Vickers
Captain David Miscavige has appointed a tough new and aggressive non-Scientology Senior Management team at Flag:
Nigel Fremont CO FLB: After spending decades in the CIA fomenting violent revolutions in the Middle East, Nigel is perfectly equipped to brutally crush any threatened mutiny, backflash, counter-intention, or natter at Flag. Nigel became LRH’s CIA handler after MC retired.
Dr. Stanley H. D. Dumont Snr C/S Int, a psychiatrist who lost his license for running a Siberia-style prison camp for MI6 where forced lobotomies and ECT were performed, Dr. Dumont brings his unique and ruthless “case cracking” talents to Flag. Scientologists will henceforth be cleared and gotten up and onto SOLO NOTs in record times or else!
Commander Chester Hillsborough RTC Rep Flag: Widely feared in the intelligence for his enhanced interrogation techniques. Should you be ordered to report to Commander Hillsborough for a “metered sec check” you will much be better off fleeing the country in terror and going into permanent hiding.
Lieutenant Commander David Vickers: An expert in international money laundering, credit card fraud, mortgage fraud, embezzlement, offshore banking, and structuring cash deposits, Captain Vickers will help you find a way to pay for your entire Bridge now. If you refuse to cooperate on financial arrangements you will be ordered to report to Commander Hillsborough for a metered sec check.
Only Scientology can protect you from NWO beam weapon attacks. These attacks seek to implant or kill you. This is why it is imperative that you report to your nearest Ideal Org today for a free beam weapon scan.
If you have been the victim of an NWO beam weapon attack, only Scientology has the exact technology needed to depolarize your overcharged neurons. Once your neurons are stabilized, Scientology auditing can bring you to a state of sanity and intelligence you’ve never known.
“Scientologist and IAS Patron Mega Chromium Excelsis Irma Jean Dinwiddie of Clearwater has become the world’s first OT X completion,” announced Snr C/S Int Davis Jackinoff.
“Following Irma Jean’s completion of OT X, we at Flag had her cryogenically frozen in RTC Freezer Unit 2 at Trementina Base. All OT X completions will be frozen in this same way. OT X’s will only be unfrozen and reanimated when the planet is stable enough to handle their power.”
“Captain David Miscavige has stated that this means there must be 10,000 people up and onto SOLO NOT’s before the OT X’s can be unleashed upon the world. If you are not on SOLO NOT’s you need to get onto the level as soon as possible to save the planet from thermonuclear Armageddon!” declared Snr C/S INT.
Following the sudden firing of Kathy Griffin, Jenna Elfman has been hired as the new face of Squatty Potty.
“This relief couldn’t come at a better time for Jenna,” said VP Ken Delusion of Scientology Media Productions. “Imaginary Mary went ‘plop’ and almost killed Jenna’s career.”
“Jenna’s agent negotiated a great deal with Squatty Potty that gives her back end participation plus residuals,” Delusion noted. “We at SMP are glad to see Jenna back to work.”
“And now if Anne Archer and Kelly Preston can win the coveted mother and daughter roles for the new Stairlift ad campaign, then we’ll have three top Scientology New OTVIII’s positioned very well with the middle class concerns of bowel movements and growing old.”
A simulacrum of the bloody severed head of President Trump was Kathy Griffin’s proposed example of what Scientology FAIR GAME should look like in 2017. Needless to say, Griffin’s visual did not go over well with focus groups.
Moreover, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige wanted something different than your basic Scientology head on a pike — and that’s why the depraved goons in the Office of Special Affairs called upon the services of George Remini and Dana Connaughton.
We in RTC have to agree that this gruesome twosome are far more offensive to our sensibilities than anything Kathy Griffin did:
“It has come to management’s attention that Scientologists are not taking advantage of food stamps, welfare, Medi-Cal, homeless shelters, soup kitchens and other sources of free financial assistance offered by wog governments and charities,” said Dr. Frank Wonderman, Executive Director of COB’s mandatory new program called Getting Scientologists Onto Welfare In Order to Increase Donations to Scientology.
“The Church of Scientology desperately needs the money Scientologists are wasting on meat body dramatizations such as food, water, electricity, flush toilets, medical care, housing, and even clothing,” Delusion emphasized. “A hat pack is being released to show Scientologists how to game the system in order to get onto government welfare and wog charity programs.”
“To begin gradiently, the Church is ordering all Scientologists to work two jobs. Further, the Church is putting all Scientologists on a monthly budget of $2010. This budget allows for $27.00 in spending per day — which is more than enough for Scientologists to get by on. Any income above this limit is to be donated to the Church. All Scientologists must adhere to this new budget to remain in good standing with the Church: