“When word got around that Scientology had a new top-secret e-meter that could instantly cure-all forms of psychological distress and thereby eliminate the need for Psych drugs, Big Pharma was terrified! Big Pharma knew that Scientology was poised to put Big Pharma and its army of Psychiatrists out of business!”
“Accordingly,” said Scientology Chief Inspector Bobby Ray Bigly, “Big Pharma sent in an undercover agent into our Toledo Ideal Org to steal one of the new Quantum Mark XV meters.”
“The Psych literally shoved the new meter up his backside in order to conceal it. However, OSA Security caught him as he was painfully waddling out of the Org. An x-ray showed the meter lodged in his rectum. The Psych tried to flee but obviously didn’t get very far.”
“The suspect was arrested without incident and has been charged with the attempted theft of a patented religious artifact. The e-meter had to be removed surgically; it was not a pretty sight.”
“Facebook shares have been hammered in the last two days,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Here is the cold-blooded truth: Facebook pulled in the worst-ever single day stock market statcrash because it allowed hundreds of millions of people to attack Scientology on Facebook!”
“The only way Mark Zuckerberg can hope to save his company is by coming to his senses and removing all of the SP’s and content from Facebook that is critical of Scientology — and the same holds true of Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube!”
“It’s not what it looks like,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Brigadier General was merely helping COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with a wardrobe malfunction.”
“That this was escalated into a morals charge of public lewdness and the arrest of both men by the authorities in Barbados is a disgrace!” roared Delusion.
“Big Pharma was clearly behind this attempt to embarrass the world’s greatest ecclesiastical leader as he was being awarded the Velveeta Cheese Company’s Medal for Ease of Spreadability in the religious products sold by we in Scientology.”
We in the Religious Technology Center are busy, busy, busy handling planetary emergencies. We sometimes even have to handle off-planet emergencies, e.g. the Implanters Union #47 is on strike again at the Mars implanting stations. What’s wrong with those fuckers? Ten cents an hour is all we in Scientology pay anybody except for our wog lawyers. If the Martian implanters don’t like it they can go work for some other religion. What’s that you say? No other religion uses implanters? Well then it looks like you’ll have to take our deal or starve!
Being so busy, we in RTC are sick and tired of hearing this same complaint over and over from Scientology Orgs:
Your local IDEAL Scientology org has an even more critical emergency!! It’s the “we sent all our income to COB so now we can’t pay the utility bills, and can’t even pay for toilet paper” emergency!!
Why do staff members at downstat Orgs constantly whine about having no electricity and no toilet paper? The fact is that your lack of havingness is because you pulled it in due to LOW OR NO PRODUCTION! It’s right there in policy! It’s not our job in RTC to see that your asses are wiped or that you have electricity so stop with the hat dumping! It’s your job to MAKE IT GO RIGHT! No more nattering or you will be beaten!
The STPE Triangle clearly shows that production is what makes it all happen. If Scientology staff members want auditing, toilet paper, and electricity then they need to produce and bring in money. In other words, “Coffee is for closers!”
Scientology’s ultra-secret Church of Spiritual Technology has spent hundreds of millions of dollars constructing nuclear-proof underground vaults to protect the works of the Founder. When Armageddon occurs the survivors will be able to read and hear the written and spoken words of the Founder.
But what happens in the “Henry Bemis Scenario” when a survivor of Armageddon accidentally breaks his or her eyeglasses or begins to lose their hearing? If this happens — and it will happen following Armageddon — then Scientology’s Tech cannot go forward and will die! All will be lost!
To prevent the tragic Henry Bemis Scenario, we in the Church of Scientology are on an emergency fundraise with a goal of $250,000,000 USD.
These monies will be used to build robotic optometry and hearing aid facilities at all CST vaults. Only by doing this can we guarantee the future survival of Scientology.
By way of answering an oft-asked technical question we get in RTC, Dr. Hubbard used Mighty Line® Deluxe Safety Tape – 4″ x 100′, Yellow/Black to exactly tape the way out of the trap. 47,000,000 feet of tape was required. If one stays within the pathway created by the lines of the safety tape they will safely exit the 75,000,000 year old trap; this assuming they can pay the $360,000+ toll to traverse the vast expanse of the trap.
If one steps outside of the lines of the safety tape, say by reading entheta online or forwarding Black PR about COB, they will die a horrible and agonizing death by suffocating on their own vomit. For this reason, we in RTC mark the exactly taped path with warning signs along the way:
Let’s do the math on LRH’s exactly taped path out of the trap. The pathway is very narrow. To be specific, it is three feet wide ( 0.9144 meter) and bounded on either side by yellow and black safety tape. Thus, we divide 47,000,000 million feet by two. By dividing and converting to miles, we find the exactly taped pathway out of the trap is 44,508 miles in length (71,629 meters).
Given the length of the exactly taped path, there is a lot of auditing to do to make it through the engram-laden swamps of the Reactive Mind and the Walls of Fire which comprise the OT Levels. Get to work Scientologist! You have a long way to go to get out of the trap!
Posted in OTVIIIisGrrr8!
Tagged Bridge to Total Freedom, church of scientology, David Miscavige, Dr. Hubbard, exactly taped path, False Purpose Rundown, FPRD, John Travolta, L. Ron Hubbard, Religious Technology Center, RTC, yellow and black safety tape
Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman. Inspector General of the Scientology Office of Ideological Purity and Enforcement.
Just as Trotskyite wreckers and diversionists were a threat to the worker’s revolution in Russia, so too are Psych wreckers and diversionists who traffick in reasonableness a threat to Scientology’s noble aim of Planetary Clearing.
Even now sinister forces of criminal joking and degrading are at work to diminish the success of Scientology TV. This felonious jocularity maintains that Scientology TV and COB are both abysmal failures fit only to be tossed onto the trash heap of cultic history along with visionaries such as Herbert W. Armstrong, Charles Taze Russell, and Mary Baker Eddy. But the statistics show otherwise. With over 1,500 new viewers, COB’s $100 million investment in Scientology TV has been fully vindicated.
The Psychs howl and scream as their revenues collapse under the onslaught of Scientology TV and the surging and unstoppable tide of Ideal Orgs. The opposition and slander against COB and Scientology’s fully ideal scene is a tangled web of calumnies that all trace back to the nonsense of evolution, Freud, and the idea that Man is only his brain and that death extinguishes the thetan forever and ever. Yet the unassailable scientific evidence adduced by the e-meter clearly shows thetans have been around this universe for four quadrillion years and that Tom Cruise’s toothy grin is the result of astonishingly bad dental work made amazingly workable by the technologies of Dianetics and Scientology.
The Scientologist is to flourish and prosper in the face of entheta. And what is the full measure and proof of flourishing and prosperity except to increase one’s IAS Patron status? The IAS is the glorious Scientology revolution against the vicious Psych gestalt which holds thetans in its iron grip of electroshock, lobotomies, and the decadence of popular music and pornography! Rise up today and donate to the IAS!