Tag Archives: church of scientology

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David Miscavige Reacts to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium’s Refusal to sell Scientology the 1.4 Acre Parcel

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Wog Lawyers

COB learns the hard way that wog lawyers only love him so long as the checks keep rolling in:

 

A Joking & Degrading Tweet from Kels‏ @kellykels_melbs!

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Marcabs Invade PAC Base!

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PAC Base Incident Report: 2213 Hours: Warships of the Marcabian Confederation decloaked and criminally penetrated Scientology airspace in an attempt to steal the OT materials. This violation of the RTC-Marcabian treaty may lead to war. Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has vowed to stop the recent unchecked episodes of Marcabian aggression and incursions into Scientology airspace.

Bottom line: The Marcabs will never get the OT materials and may never receive auditing in this or any other lifetime until they confess their crimes and give Scientology their exteriorization technology. We in Scientology need the Marcabian exteriorization technology because ours doesn’t work and never has.

Scientology Leader David Miscavige Arrested in North Korea

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In an attempt to punish America, North Korea arrested Scientology leader David Miscavige during his inspection tour of Scientology’s Ideal Org Pyongyang.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un said that America will now quickly collapse without the supremely wise guidance and leadership of the great humanitarian David Miscavige.

Asked for a comment by reporters, the US State Department replied, “North Korea apparently reads and believes Scientology’s websites to be true. This is quite comical.”

When pressed for a response to David Miscavige having been sentenced to 25 years of hard manual labor on a prison farm, a US State Department official commented that the weather in North Korea was actually rather pleasant this time of year.

Jenna Elfman and Her Embarrassing New ABC Sitcom “Imaginary Mary”

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“As a Scientology OT, Jenna Elfman’s ability to telepathically audit her BT’s made her a natural to play the part of a grown woman who talks to an imaginary childhood friend,” said an ABC executive who spoke under the condition of anonymity.

“However, yes, I have to agree that once we actually made two episodes of Imaginary Mary, the show does come off as freakish, unnatural, and bizarre,” admitted the exec. “We at ABC plan to dispose of this ill-conceived bomb of a show quietly and without sorrow after a few episodes.”

Meanwhile, on her Reddit AMA, Jenna Elfman did not exactly show the OT powers we in RTC expect from our OT’s. There were also SP Joker’s and Degraders:

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Jenna was so very highly enturbulated by recent events that she dramatized her upset by leaping from a second story window. Fortunately, Tom Cruise was there to treat her at the scene of this accident:

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Damage Control Scientology Style

UA CEO: Hello Dave? Did you get the wire transfer I sent you for PR damage control consulting?

COB: It arrived safely.

UA CEO: This incident on the plane… it’s getting uglier by the second. People think United Airlines is evil and that I’m the Antichrist himself.

COB: Tell me about it. That’s my life most days.

UA CEO: You guys in Scientology know all about being in bad situations… I just need help.

COB: Here’s what my people in the Office ah Spe-shul Affairs found out. The guy your goons dragged off the plane and beat is a freakin’ pervert with a capital P! I mean what we got here is a rageaholic doctor trading ass for narcotics. Jesus R6 Cheerist! How I wish this guy was a wealthy Scientologist! I could clip him for $25,000,000 easy!

UA CEO: So whadda I do?

COB: Whadda do?! Lou can you believe it? This effin wog gets it handed to him on a silver platter and he don’t know whadda do. You stupid meat body wog! Look, I took care of it for ya’s. That’s why ya’s pays me the big moola! I had my people in Office ah Spe-shul Affairs publish the dirt on this here pervert doctor all over the place. We put this guy on trial!

UA CEO: Lemme look at the interweb here… Dave, I see it! The guy looks like a freakin’ criminal scumbag!

COB: Exactamundo! That’s the beauty of Fair Game. You beat a guy to a pulp and suddenly he’s the pervert and the criminal! I do it all the time. Now just write this perv a check and have your wog lawyers make him sign a buncha contracts to shut up and go away.

UA CEO: You’re the best Dave!

COB: Thanks for the ack. Now while I gotcha on the phone it seems my people in the Office ah Spe-shul Affairs found some stuff on ya’s that ain’t so good while they was digging…