We in Scientology wish to apologize for any misunderstanding over the installation of our kiosk in the public lobby of the LAPD Hollywood Division station house.
What was supposed to have been installed was a bust of L. Ron Hubbard. The error has been corrected and the LRH bust in now on display in the lobby.
The City of Angels was in danger of being taken over by criminal elements as waves of murders and narcotics trafficking ravaged the once fabled city. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse loomed on the horizon!
But then Scientology stepped in with its social betterment programs to save Los Angeles in the same way it had saved Colombian from the wave of killings, drug cartels, and FARC rebels.
Scientology installed informational kiosks in all Los Angeles Police Department Divisional headquarters. LAPD officers handed out copies of The Way to Happiness. Volunteer Ministers handed out copies of Scientology’s anti-drug booklets. Suddenly, crime plunged to historic levels in Los Angeles!
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” enthused LAPD Captain Cory Palka. “There’s no crime anywhere! Now my days can be spent in my squad car eating donuts and drinking coffee! It’s just like the good ol’ days now that Los Angeles has become Mayberry RFD thanks to Scientology! This is all due to the benevolence and greatness of David Miscavige! Thank you sir!”
Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige will be given the “Gold Key to the City of Los Angeles” medal by Sheriff Lee Baca in a special ceremony in the Barbados next week.
“When word got around that Scientology had a new top-secret e-meter that could instantly cure-all forms of psychological distress and thereby eliminate the need for Psych drugs, Big Pharma was terrified! Big Pharma knew that Scientology was poised to put Big Pharma and its army of Psychiatrists out of business!”
“Accordingly,” said Scientology Chief Inspector Bobby Ray Bigly, “Big Pharma sent in an undercover agent into our Toledo Ideal Org to steal one of the new Quantum Mark XV meters.”
“The Psych literally shoved the new meter up his backside in order to conceal it. However, OSA Security caught him as he was painfully waddling out of the Org. An x-ray showed the meter lodged in his rectum. The Psych tried to flee but obviously didn’t get very far.”
“The suspect was arrested without incident and has been charged with the attempted theft of a patented religious artifact. The e-meter had to be removed surgically; it was not a pretty sight.”
“Facebook shares have been hammered in the last two days,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Here is the cold-blooded truth: Facebook pulled in the worst-ever single day stock market statcrash because it allowed hundreds of millions of people to attack Scientology on Facebook!”
“The only way Mark Zuckerberg can hope to save his company is by coming to his senses and removing all of the SP’s and content from Facebook that is critical of Scientology — and the same holds true of Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube!”
“It’s not what it looks like,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Brigadier General was merely helping COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with a wardrobe malfunction.”
“That this was escalated into a morals charge of public lewdness and the arrest of both men by the authorities in Barbados is a disgrace!” roared Delusion.
“Big Pharma was clearly behind this attempt to embarrass the world’s greatest ecclesiastical leader as he was being awarded the Velveeta Cheese Company’s Medal for Ease of Spreadability in the religious products sold by we in Scientology.”
We in the Religious Technology Center are busy, busy, busy handling planetary emergencies. We sometimes even have to handle off-planet emergencies, e.g. the Implanters Union #47 is on strike again at the Mars implanting stations. What’s wrong with those fuckers? Ten cents an hour is all we in Scientology pay anybody except for our wog lawyers. If the Martian implanters don’t like it they can go work for some other religion. What’s that you say? No other religion uses implanters? Well then it looks like you’ll have to take our deal or starve!
Being so busy, we in RTC are sick and tired of hearing this same complaint over and over from Scientology Orgs:
Your local IDEAL Scientology org has an even more critical emergency!! It’s the “we sent all our income to COB so now we can’t pay the utility bills, and can’t even pay for toilet paper” emergency!!
Why do staff members at downstat Orgs constantly whine about having no electricity and no toilet paper? The fact is that your lack of havingness is because you pulled it in due to LOW OR NO PRODUCTION! It’s right there in policy! It’s not our job in RTC to see that your asses are wiped or that you have electricity so stop with the hat dumping! It’s your job to MAKE IT GO RIGHT! No more nattering or you will be beaten!
The STPE Triangle clearly shows that production is what makes it all happen. If Scientology staff members want auditing, toilet paper, and electricity then they need to produce and bring in money. In other words, “Coffee is for closers!”