Tag Archives: church of scientology

Real Scientologists Demand Cash Auditing Subsidies from the US Government

“Social welfare programs that give billions of dollars to poor people are bigoted and hateful because they discriminate against Scientologists,” declared the new STAND League Executive Director Mr. Ken Delusion.

“For too long Scientologists have carried the financially ruinous burden of auditing day and night to Clear this goddamned Planet,” said Delusion. “Well now it’s time for the US taxpayer to repay the debt they owe us by giving all Scientologists a 75% auditing subsidy in the form of cash payments to the Church of Scientology!”

“It’s a matter of fundamental fairness,” Delusion reasoned. “Scientologists hold the cans in long and grinding auditing sessions until their hands literally bleed; this in an effort to break the hold of the deadly R6 bank over every man, woman, and child on this agonized planet. We don’t need your thanks; but we do demand compensation for the Herculean spiritual labors we undertake on your behalf.”

Scientology Leader David Miscavige Purchases the Preserved Head of 19th Century Killer Diogo Alves

Scientology ecclesiastical leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with the preserved head of 19th century serial killer Diogo Alves on his desk.

Executed in 1841 for a decade-long crime spree which included pushing seventy people to their deaths from the heights of the Aqueduto das Águas Livres (Aqueduct of the Free Waters), the severed head of Diogo Alves was preserved in a vat of formaldehyde. This was done so that scientists could study the brain of a criminal.

“The head of Diogo Alves was sold in a private transaction by the University of Lisbon’s Faculty of Medicine,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “Mr. Miscavige wanted to acquire the head for the Church of Scientology. The head is a reminder of Mr. Hubbard’s policy:

‘When things are bad (Bad Indicators heavily visible) putting a body on the gallows is very salutary. We call it “Putting a head on a pike”. Too many BAD Indicators and too goofed up a situation and we must put a head on a pike. Then things simmer down and we can begin to get tech in…

‘When there are lots of bad indicators about — low and falling statistics, goofed cases, we get very handy with our Interrogatories and put the place very nearly under martial law – we call this a State of Emergency.

‘Once Emergency is declared, you usually have to put a head or two on a pike to convince people that you mean it. After that necessity level rises and the place straightens up…

BAD TECH – When results just don’t happen in the Academy, HGC or Review one or another, look for the Potential Trouble Sources and Suppressives. Only they can keep tech out. Put a big head on a pike and then begin to interrogate every slip in the place. Suddenly Tech is in again.’ — HCO POLICY LETTER OF 16 MAY 1965 Issue II, INDICATORS OF ORGS

“Like Mr. Hubbard, Mr. Miscavige also feels that putting a head on a pike is salutary and serves as a warning to Staff and Publics alike to step up their production and contributions to the Church of Scientology.”

STAND League Member Ed Parkin Disguises Himself as Mr. Peanut

Image by Mark

We in the Scientology Office of Special Affairs have disguised our low IQ colleague Ed Parkin as Mr. Peanut. We have done this because the real Mr. Peanut  attacked the Church of Scientology during last weekend’s Super Bowl Twitter insanity.

Only haters and bigots fueled by Psych drugs would attack Scientology which is humanity’s only hope of salvation.

Therefore, while disguised as Mr. Peanut, we will have Ed commit various crimes for which the real Mr. Peanut will be arrested and imprisoned. We in Scientology are not the police but we are slowly teaching the unholy a lesson: Fuck with us and we will destroy you.

Scientology: We Now Own Downtown Clearwater!

“Our forces now own Downtown Clearwater!” enthused Scientology Land Führer Hermann Eichmann. “We will next proceed to sweep Clearwater clean of all SP’s!”

We in Scientology Apologize for Placing a Kiosk in the LAPD Hollywood Division

We in Scientology wish to apologize for any misunderstanding over the installation of our kiosk in the public lobby of the LAPD Hollywood Division station house.

What was supposed to have been installed was a bust of L. Ron Hubbard. The error has been corrected and the LRH bust in now on display in the lobby.

Scientology Uses Kiosks to Save the City of Los Angeles!


The City of Angels was in danger of being taken over by criminal elements as waves of murders and narcotics trafficking ravaged the once fabled city. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse loomed on the horizon!

But then Scientology stepped in with its social betterment programs to save Los Angeles in the same way it had saved Colombian from the wave of killings, drug cartels, and FARC rebels.

Scientology installed informational kiosks in all Los Angeles Police Department Divisional headquarters. LAPD officers handed out copies of The Way to Happiness. Volunteer Ministers handed out copies of Scientology’s anti-drug booklets. Suddenly, crime plunged to historic levels in Los Angeles!

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” enthused LAPD Captain Cory Palka. “There’s  no crime anywhere! Now my days can be spent in my squad car eating donuts and drinking coffee! It’s just like the good ol’ days now that Los Angeles has become Mayberry RFD thanks to Scientology! This is all due to the benevolence and greatness of David Miscavige! Thank you sir!”

Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige will be given the “Gold Key to the City of Los Angeles” medal by Sheriff Lee Baca in a special ceremony in the Barbados next week.

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Scientology Clarification on Colombia