Beset by liquidity issues related to a five-year stat crash downtrend, the Church of Scientology today announced the sale of subordinated debentures to the tune of $2.5 billion. The minimum buy-in is […]
Dianetics: Modern Science of Mental Health for Homo Saps
Following the unprecedented success of Guhlaxy Press selling 50,000,000 copies Battlefield Earth at Comic-Con 2016, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige is having Bridge Publications rush into production a 100,000,000 piece print run […]
COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige Announces ABF
“Entheta is up 3,000%,” announced Captain Ken Delusion, CO Entheta Particles Unit OSA. “Even with all he is doing, and all he has done, COB can’t open new Ideal Orgs fast enough […]
Church of Scientology Announces Tough New “Scientology Pre-Crime Thought Law” in Florida!
“This latest Philboard wouldn’t have happened had the tough new ‘Scientology Pre-Crime Thought Law’ been in place,” explained Ken Delusion, VP of Media Relations for Scientology Media Productions of the Eastern United […]
Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Crushes Coup in Turkey!
Turkey’s wog President Recep Tayyip Erdogan today publicly thanked the Fleet Admiral David Miscavige and his elite RTC Thetan Team 6 commandos for crushing the attempted coup against Erdogan’s government. Said Scientology […]
Exclusive: Scientology’s Secret Underground Alien Base Discovered!
CIA Director John O. Brennan today announced that the agency had discovered Scientology’s secret underground alien base at an undisclosed location. “The Church of Scientology has been working with aliens since the […]
Are You a Declared SP Being Harassed by Anti-Scientologists? There is Help!
“We in the Church of Scientology have opened up a hotline for declared SP’s to call if they feel harassed by anti-Scientologists,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Even though we totally ruined […]
Emergency StatPush: Battlefield Earth Has Sold Only 122 Copies!
Classified: The 2016 relaunch of Battlefield Earth has sold only 122 copies. Galaxy Press is hereby assigned the condition of CONFUSION. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Scientologists to immediately […]
Church of Scientology Asks FBI to Clear It of All Criminal Charges
After the FBI cleared Hillary Clinton of a felony violation of “Section 793(f) of the federal penal code (Title 18): With lawful access to highly classified information she acted with gross negligence […]