Tag Archives: Scientology

Reverend Bob Tilton Handles Scientology & Pulls Marty Rathbun’s Withhold

Church of Scientology to Open 1000 McDonald’s Franchises

MCDs
“In a desperate and clutching last-ditch attempt to recruit new members, the Church of Scientology today announced that it would be opening 1,000 McDonald’s franchises in key cities across the world,” announced Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The new recruitment program is called ‘Ideal McScientology’ and will replace the colossally failed Ideal Org program. Each Ideal McScientology restaurant will feature signage in which the Scientology and McDonald’s names and logos will be co-branded in a bold and exciting new fusion of fast food and religion.”

“The McScientology restaurants will offer the same menu as offered by standard McDonald’s but will also sell 12.5 hour intensives of auditing along with introductory courses in the “TR’s & Locationals Area” of the restaurants.

“What McDonald’s is to food,” said spokesman Ken Delusion, “Scientology is to religion. So come by today and ‘Theta-size’ your Big Mac combo meal with a 12.5 hour intensive of GAT II auditing or even a basic Comm course!”

Scientology Targeting Children

“With Sea Org recruitment at an all time low, we in Scientology have decided to target children,” announced Ken Delusion.

“We’re using colorful clown vending machines at toy stores, ice cream parlors, and other places children like.”

“As a child approaches the colorful vending machine, a trap door  opens up and swallows the child.”

“Children are nothing more than trillion year old thetans in little bodies. Sea Org life will toughen up these freeloading little phonies who want to exploit “growing up” into their 20’s!

 

Scientology missions form a vital link in the chain of Planetary Clearing!

Phoenix

“Well sir the Phoenix Mission here was booming back in the old days,” said mission holder Bud Turlock. “But then they was that ter-nady what swept up from Oklahoma and washed out the dirt road and knocked down the power lines.

“The county won’t bulldoze me a new road and I ain’t got no money to do it myself cause I had to sell my bulldozer to pay for new dentures, a Basics library for the mission, and whatnot and so forth. And then they put in that big flashy Indian casino down the road and people would rather go thar and get liquored up and gamble. Hell, some nights I go down thar and get liquored real good up seein’ as nuthin’ much happens here at the mission since the was road washed out. Had some fellers come by from the Jay-hovah’s Witnesses church over there in Gila Bend awhile back but I done run ’em off.

COB’s supposed to boom the missions and Orgs when SMP goes live on the tee-vee next month.”

New Scientology Ad Campaign for Spring 2017

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Who says Scientology isn’t pro-family? We in Scientology say that the family that Fair Games SP’s together stays together. Mom & Dad: Go Fair Game some SP’s today and take your children with you so they can learn the ways of Scientology!

Scientology: The Real Story

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Scientology Media Productions today announced the production of its new series Scientology: The Real Story. “Season one will feature ten exciting episodes explained Sea Org Ensign Brenda Bahlbreaker, Commanding Officer of SMP.

“We have a dynamite line up of shows,” enthused Ensign Bahlbreaker.

1. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige: Humanitarian and global ecclesiastical leader guides Scientology into a new and unprecedented era of expansion.

2. The story of how Mr. Miscavige opened 17,712 new Ideal Orgs — and in the process how Scientology became the largest private bulk purchaser of carpeting and flooring in the world — is told. Far from being the “dramatizing interior decorator” his critics have falsely portrayed him as, Mr. Miscavige is instead shown as a man of impeccable tastes in interior design and architecture.

3. STAND: Scientologists taking a stand against discrimination. Squirrel Busting and OSAbot online trolling clarified, explained, and justified.

4. Fair Game? “No, it was cancelled in 1968,” explains Ken Delusion. “It was a bad policy written by our doddering old bumpkin of a Founder. Thank goodness David Miscavige was chosen to rise above Ron’s bank,” Delusion concludes.

5. David Miscavige and Tom Cruise Revitalize Downtown Clearwater. The dynamic Scientology duo cut the ribbon on a new Payless shoe store, the mighty anchor store in what will become 21st century Downtown Clearwater. Soon to follow are a new Der Wienerschnitzel, a Fotomat, and of course a new taco truck. Did we tell you that COB loves a good taco truck?

6. The new Theta Optical Store opens with a special 10% off on all eyeglasses for Scientologists. This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dwight and Debbie White explaining why, although thetans see through golden discs, eyeglasses are sometimes needed when the meat body eyeballs go out of present time.

7. ARC Hearing Aids store opens with a special 10% off on all hearing aids for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dennis and Brenda Caucasian explaining why, although thetans hear through platinum discs, hearing aids are sometimes needed when the meat body ears go out of
present time.

8. KRC Chiropractic opens with a special 10% off on all chiropractic adjustments for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Henry and Cheryl Paleface explaining why, although thetans can operate the body while exterior with full perceptions, most can’t do it as they are banky and so go Out Int. This necessitates the need for an adjustment. Henry Paleface also explains why chiropractic done the Scientology way can eliminate the need for wog medications, cancer treatment, and other expensive and unnecessary treatments for made up diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, asthma, leukemia, etc.

9. The new Eternity Bookstore store opens. Owner OT Rod Delusion explains why he only sells LRH fiction and the Basics and refuses to carry the filthy and degraded books written by wogs.

10. The season finale ends where it begins: With a celebration of COB RTC David Miscavige. To support COB, this final episode is a five day fundraising telethon and is mandatory watching for IAS members who wish to remain in good standing with the Church.

The Number of Times Over the Material Equals Certainty Except When It Doesn’t

MC Escher

As a watershed discovery about the very nature of the Tech, the Scientology Uncertainty Principle is rooted in the the Scientology Paradox:

THE NUMBER OF TIMES OVER THE MATERIAL EQUALS CERTAINTY AND RESULTS EXCEPT WHEN IT DOESN’T

The following is the actual technical fact:

The number of times over the material actually causes increasing uncertainty, which increasing uncertainty causes new Golden Age of Tech releases to spontaneously appear.

Thus, just as it is impossible to know if a Scientologist is in good standing, it is also impossible to know the definition of a Floating Needle or anything else until the next GAT level is released. Whereupon, the release of a new GAT level gives the apparency of certainty until the number of times over the new material actually causes increasing uncertainty.

To prevent squirreling, unusual solutions, and verbal tech in the presence of exponentially increasing uncertainty, therefore, new GAT Levels spontaneously appear and are then annihilated. This is conceptually akin to the creation of particles and antiparticles and their annihilation in the Dirac Sea.

Scientology persists as a cycle of creation and annihilation. However, this cycle is corrupt and that is why, over time, it now offers vastly diminishing creative returns while  its annihilative power increases and runs amok with great chaos and violence. Scientology’s original signal strength grows weaker with each inevitable GAT collapse and each empty Org. Due to entropy and the loss of energy in this closed system, Scientology has become the persistence of memory; mental image pictures of what the subject once allegedly was, or at least was as some remember it, but is no more.

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