Tag Archives: Scientology

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige Hails Fake STAND Member Program as a Complete Success

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“COB today congratulated Scientology phony PR front group STAND for reaching a milestone of 10,000 fake members,” Ken Delusion announced.

“These mocked up Scientologists now outnumber real Scientologists,” Delusion noted. “Which goes to show that Scientologists can create new and better realities, get the best parking spots, put out intention beams to get green lights at intersections, and postulate new Scientology parishioners where none actually exist.”

“It’s not fraud, it’s OT Magic!” enthused Delusion.

“And thanks to a new IAS grant, STAND can now purchase another 10,000 stock photos to use as STAND members. It really is straight up and vertical expansion in Scientology,” Delusion rhapsodized, his eyes glazed over and his smile fixed as if he were in another of his phantasmagorical and maniacal trances.

Kim Jong-un Attains State of Clear in Scientology!

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North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has just reached the State of Clear at Scientology’s Pyongyang Ideal Org.

“I’m so happy to have finally reached the State Clear! I’ve eradicated my reactive mind forever!” enthused Kim Jong-un. “No more engrams, irrational computations, or sicknesses! I now have a perfect memory, a 190 IQ, and can read a 1,000 page book in ten minutes with full comprehension.”

“As the world’s first Cleared Communist, I can now rationally and sanely realize my goal of destroying America and all of the other running dog Imperialists in the West! Thank you COB RTC David Miscavige! You are a superman just like me!”

Tom Cruise Healing from Broken Ankle at Home

Tom Cruise is healing at home from a broken ankle he suffered earlier this month. The actor says he went PTS to Scientology and the Aftermath and blamed the show.

“Like every other Scientologist on this planet, I am the victim of a television show. Despite being an OT, I can’t control matter, energy, space, and time — and particularly not this entheta television show! My new cognition is this: To be a member of the Church of Scientology is to be a victim and I am a victim. It’s just not fair. I would do some STAND tweets but feel just too PTS. I am really PTP’d about everything right now.”

We in Scientology are not a Cult!

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We in Scientology are not a Cult! Plenty of religions have paramilitaries, prisons, beat their clergy & conduct interrogations on members.

Reverend Bob Tilton Handles Scientology & Pulls Marty Rathbun’s Withhold

Church of Scientology to Open 1000 McDonald’s Franchises

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“In a desperate and clutching last-ditch attempt to recruit new members, the Church of Scientology today announced that it would be opening 1,000 McDonald’s franchises in key cities across the world,” announced Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The new recruitment program is called ‘Ideal McScientology’ and will replace the colossally failed Ideal Org program. Each Ideal McScientology restaurant will feature signage in which the Scientology and McDonald’s names and logos will be co-branded in a bold and exciting new fusion of fast food and religion.”

“The McScientology restaurants will offer the same menu as offered by standard McDonald’s but will also sell 12.5 hour intensives of auditing along with introductory courses in the “TR’s & Locationals Area” of the restaurants.

“What McDonald’s is to food,” said spokesman Ken Delusion, “Scientology is to religion. So come by today and ‘Theta-size’ your Big Mac combo meal with a 12.5 hour intensive of GAT II auditing or even a basic Comm course!”

Scientology Targeting Children

“With Sea Org recruitment at an all time low, we in Scientology have decided to target children,” announced Ken Delusion.

“We’re using colorful clown vending machines at toy stores, ice cream parlors, and other places children like.”

“As a child approaches the colorful vending machine, a trap door  opens up and swallows the child.”

“Children are nothing more than trillion year old thetans in little bodies. Sea Org life will toughen up these freeloading little phonies who want to exploit “growing up” into their 20’s!