Tag Archives: Scientology

Scientology TV Features World’s First OTX Completion!

We in RTC are pleased to announced that Marshall Herff Applewhite, leader of the Heaven’s Gate Church, is the world’s first OTX completion.

When asked by Scientology TV to comment, Applewhite enthused, “I completed both OTIX and OTX in a state exterior from the body; it helped that I had dropped the body back in 1997 after drinking a phenobarbital and vodka cocktail. That drink is almost as yummy as Vistaril, but I digress.

“I did OTIX and OTX at the Van Allen Radiation Belt Org (VARBO).

“They say Flag is the Mecca of Technical Perfection, but I say doing OTIX and OTX exterior from the body at VARBO is sooooo… WOW! Those levels just blow you a million light years out of your head! It’s like KAPOW!

“The meter literally blew up and fell off the table dozens of times. I was having cognition after cognition after cognition. It’s just so… WOW! Just WOW! All I can say is get arrived at VARBO to do OTIX and OTX!

“And thank you to COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige who makes the Church of Scientology possible!”

The Church of Scientology is Looking for More Lawyers

Scientology TV Giving Away $25 Starbucks Gift Cards

We in the Church of Scientology are so sure you’ll like Scientology TV that we’re giving a $25.00 Starbucks gift card to anyone who comes into any of our Orgs and watches a 12.5 hour intensive. No strings attached. Just come on in and watch one intensive of Scientology TV and get your free Starbucks gift card. And contrary to what you might have read on the internet, no one in Scientology will try to “brainwash” you, hold you captive, or act to swindle you out of your life savings based upon wild promises of Super Powers or OT powers.

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Scientology Reacts to Season 3 of Leah Remini’s Scientology and the Aftermath

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“Make it stop!” screamed David Miscavige! “I can’t stand it!”

“Sir,” said Ken Delusion in his grimly dramatic manner, “the only thing the doctor can give you for this type of pain is another injection of more Vistaril. Would you like more?”

“Yes! More! Shove that goddamned needle in my ass until I pass out! I need more Vistaril to make the pain go away! The pain of that television show is even worse than the Helatrobus implant!”

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Scientology Television

Marty & Alanzo’s Deprogramming Services

Marty’s personal assistant Alanzo clears Marty’s nostril prior to filming video #528.

The Doctors of Scientology Mark C. Rathbun and Allen “Alanzo” Stanfield have joined forces to create Marty & Alanzo’s Deprogramming Services.

“Marty & Alanzo’s Deprogramming Services specializes in deprogramming Anti-Scientologists,” said Dr. Stanfield. “Funded by Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs, our mission is to stop people from attacking the Church of Scientology.”

“Scientology cannot accomplish its humanitarian goals given the activities of Scientology haters. In any decent country, haters would not be allowed to even open their mouths and spew such hate. But in Wog America, Europe, and ANZO they are. This is why deprogrammers like me and Marty are needed to stop the spread of false data about Scientology.”

“And yes,” chortled Alanzo, “David Miscavige gave me the sweater I wear on my videos. I love it as much as Marty loves the brown sports coat COB gave him.”

Dr. Mark C. Rathbun added that the troika and its financiers are out to attack him and that is why he has to incessantly cyber-stalk these people online through his tedious browncoat videos. “Creepy cyber-stalking is part of my deprogramming technique,” said Dr. Rathbun. “And now that Alanzo is my Manuela, my little bitch, I know that together we can defeat the ASC.”

Scientology Man: The New Super Hero for the 21st Century!

We at Scientology Media Productions are proud to announce our launch television series: Scientology Man: The New Super Hero for the 21st Century.

Scientology Man is everything a Scientologist in good standing should be:

* Recognizes COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige as the single most important being in the universe

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses

* Not afraid to write KR’s on his family and friends

* Is fully Homo Novis and does get colds or need eyeglasses; is superior to wogs in every way. Can read minds, fly through the air, and kill with an OT death stare

* Ruthlessly puts in Ethics on himself and others

* Brutally handles SP’s as needed

* Has super powers but does not show them off to wogs

* Attends all Scientology events; does not make excuses to avoid events

* Works to destroy Psychiatry, the Psychs, and Psych drugs

* Loves Tom Cruise and sees all of his films; John Travolta not so much

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses

* Use OT powers to find the best parking spots at the mall

* Attacks the ASC and embraces all doctrines of Rathbunology

* Attends all OT Committee meetings

* Volunteers in Central Files for his local Ideal Org

* Is the only one who can help at the scene of accidents

* Knows that LRH was a super secret intelligence agent and war hero

* Does not read entheta online

* Goes “all in” financially for Scientology

* Does not commit face crimes or natter about GAT II

* Spies for OSA when asked to do so

* Takes out new credit cards and loans when asked to do by regges

* Understands that “bankruptcy” is just a dramatization of the wog financial system

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses in each new unit of time