Tag Archives: Scientology

Scientology’s Los Angeles Interfaith Coalition Hosts an Event

Concerned members of Scientology’s Interfaith Coalition listen to Ed Parkin drone on interminably about how unfair life is to Scientology.

Scientology’s Ed Parkin droned on at length today to a group of equally dimwitted and boorish rented clergymen who were paid to listen.

“Wog clergyman are easy to dupe,” chuckled Parkin. “If we keep paying them money they’ll all go out and parrot what we in Scientology are saying about bigots and haters.”

“Ed Parkin is such an embarrassing jackass,” nattered Ken Delusion about the ghastly wraith-like leader of the STAND League. “However, we in OSA have to scrape the bottom of the barrel these days. He’s the best we have.”

The Intellectual Bandwidth of Scientologist Marisol Nichols

The Great Global Flood Is Coming! Only the Scientology Ark Can Save You!

Ark

The forces of Psychiatric Suppression have conspired to create global warming. The oceans are rising and a great global flood will soon destroy everyone.

Everyone that is except those aboard the Scientology Ark!

Berthing is limited to 1,000 First Class cabins. $100,000,000 each.

Only the able need apply.

Please telex to the Scientology Ark Services Office (SASO) in Belgrade for details.

Scientology Interfaith Event Speaker Contract and Release


I________________________________ hereby covenant and contract with the Church of Scientology International (the Church) to be a speaker at the Church’s Interfaith Event to be held at ___________________________ on the date of __________________.

In exchange for the valuable consideration of the enormous personal prestige and valuable reputational benefits that will accrue to me as a designated Scientology Interfaith speaker, I agree to the following terms and conditions:

A. Honorarium: I understand that my honorarium will be $25,000 per event if I am not  well known outside of my denominational circle. However, if I am a published religious scholar in the field of New Religious Movements my pay will $50,000 per event, or more, depending upon how valiantly I defend Scientology. If I am a national leader working at a top university my honorarium will be $100,000 or more per event.

B. Acquisition of Purloined Letterhead: I agree to procure twelve (12) sheets of original letterhead paper from my organization and provide it to the Church. I further agree that the Church will have no knowledge of how I came to possess this letterhead. No questions will be asked.

C. Furnishing of Letterhead to Designated Terminals: I will furnish the aforementioned purloined letterhead paper to a designated representative (terminal) of the Church’s Office of Special Affairs (OSA). I will do this under the cover of darkness in a back alley. The location is to be selected by OSA. I will wait at a predesignated street corner for a phone call telling me where to deliver the letterhead in a sealed envelope hidden inside a locked briefcase. I will conceal my identity by wearing a hat and a fake mustache. If I have a mustache, I will wear a fake mustache over my real mustache.

D. The Use of My Name: I freely give my consent to OSA to write anything it wants and needs on my organization’s letterhead, to sign my name to it, and to place it in the Church’s websites and publications without limitation.

E. Silence in the Event of Being Exposed: I acknowledge that if my OSA-created letters are exposed in the media that I will remain silent and make no comments until I have been counseled by wog lawyers representing the Church.

F. Forgery Denial/Assertion of Religious Bigotry: All parties to this contract agree that “forgery” is an ugly word and will never be used. I agree that any narrative OSA creates using my name on my institution’s letterhead, no matter how seemingly wild, lunatic, paranoid, or baseless said narrative is perceived to be, will never be deemed a forgery. Rather, all criticisms of an OSA-created narrative to which my name has been signed will be characterized as an attack upon both myself and the Church made by haters and anti-religious bigots.

G. Hold Harmless Agreement: I agree to the hold the Church, OSA, and its agents and assigns harmless from any and all reputational and financial damage that I may incur as a result of false, inflammatory, or completely insane letters created in my name by OSA.

H. General Release: I hereby release the Church from any reputational and financial damage I may suffer as a consequence of my participation in an Interfaith event. My release extends from the beginning of time four quadrillion years ago until this universe collapses by means presently unknown but will likely occur as the result of a massive Marcab attack launched from a parallel universe.

I. Statements by Staff Members: The Church, its board and its management take no responsibility for statements or claims made by staff members regarding the success or failure of Interfaith events conducted by the Church, particularly by the strange, hollow, and mentally unhinged being known as “Ed Parkin” aka “Pwnd by Mr. Peanut.” Any promises of “fame” or “fabulous new comm lines” made to me as an inducement to speak at a Scientology Interfaith event are not authorized and will not be honored by the Church, its board of directors or management.

J. Non-Disparagement: I agree never to disparage in any way, whether by word, deed, or secret thoughts, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige or Tom Cruise. I agree not to snicker, chortle, laugh, or stare at David Miscavige’s oddly confected ecclesiastical pompadour.

K. No Toilet Paper Provided: I understand that all Scientology Orgs on this miserable prison planet never have any toilet paper. I agree to furnish my own toilet paper at Interfaith events.

L. Binding Arbitration: I agree that if any legal hullabaloo arises from my OSA-created  letters that any disputes will be subject to binding arbitration conducted by the Scientology International Justice Chief. All proceedings will be held at the Scientology Dianetics Center in Karachi, Pakistan. I agree to pay for my personal security needs in Pakistan from my own funds. I further agree that the Church cannot even remotely guarantee my survival in Pakistan.

Signed this _____ day of  20______________

Signature__________________________________________

Witness___________________________________________

Attn Scientologists: The “Religious Bigotry” Emergency Alarm Button is Now Available: Get It, Use It!

Emergency.Button

“With anti-religious bigots running loose everywhere across the world, all Scientologists are expected to buy and use the new religious bigotry alarm button,” said Rev. Ken Delusion, Director of Religious Bigotry Prevention for Scientology.

“Whenever a Scientologists sees even the faintest sign of religious bigotry, he or she is expected to push the religious bigotry button over and over and over until the religious bigotry ends. The piercing 150 decibel siren on the emergency button will deafen religious bigots!

“It is only by being loud and shrill for all of eternity that we in Scientology can end  religious bigotry,” declared Rev. Delusion.

“In the meantime we must pray to a higher power that all of the anti-religious bigots will meet a horror-filled and awful fate; perhaps they will all be drowned in a global flood while we remain safe on the Scientology Org-Ark!”

Ark

Mr. Peanut: The Face of Hatred From the Psych Legume Lobby!

We in Scientology are outraged that Mr. Peanut would engage in religious bigotry and hatred! What would Mickey do?

The Leaning Scientology Ideal Org of The Valley

“Pictures don’t lie,” said Valley Ideal Org Executive Director Ken Delusion. “Our Org is leaning. The entire building slopes towards Burbank Blvd.

“This sloping of the building interfered with yesterday’s meeting of the Emergency Plenary Committee on Excess Carpeting & Floor Space. Water bottles kept falling over. Speakers had to stand at unnatural angles to compensate.

“A wog geological engineering firm we hired was able to determine the ‘Why’ for why the Org is leaning,” Delusion noted. “It seems that the 1,500 trillion metric tons of unsold Basics libraries in the basement has caused a failure in the ground beneath the Org.

“But what can we do?” Delusion lamented. “COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige long ago ordered the Valley to take in and store in our basement all of the unwanted Basics libraries produced by Bridge Publications each day.  This has been going on for ten years now.

“As a consequence, the Valley Org now owes Bridge Publications over $250,000 trillion dollars for these Basics libraries. Worse, the City of Los Angeles is demanding that we fix the problem. We have no money and only a tiny handful of staff. The solution, per the Founder, is to fix it using Scientology. But how can we do this when Scientology caused the problem in the first place? Color me hopeless,” Delusion concluded.