There is nothing wrong with your internets.
This is only a test of the SP Broadcasting System.
Do not attempt to adjust the entheta. We are controlling transmission.
If we wish to make the entheta louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper.
We control the horizontal. We control the vertical. We can roll the entheta, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity.
We repeat: This is only a test of the SP Broadcasting System. In the case of actual breaking news on the Church of Scientology, you would have been instructed to tune to The Underground Bunker or other official websites.
This completes our test of the SP Broadcasting System.