OT Success Story

OT SUCCESS STORY

Helios  Vol. 11  No. 110  October, 1962  25“One day I was accused of beating numerous members of an unincorporated religious order.

“However, this couldn’t possibly be true because this religious order doesn’t legally exist and therefore has no members to beat.

“Moreover, as the Leader of Leaders, i.e. the global ecclesiastical leader of the world’s fastest growing religion, I am always universally praised and acclaimed by other world leaders. Indeed, I receive 1000-2000 awards, keys to cities, Nobel prizes in Physics, Emmy’s, Oscars, etc. each and every day. These accolades require millions of square feet to warehouse but that is another story as are my HSBC accounts.

“Given that I am spotless and without blemish before man and God, it offended my ecclesiastical sensibilities to have been accused of kicking, punching, choking, slapping, stomping, and slugging religious volunteers who work in unrelated parts of the Church I don’t know about. For instance, what is Gold Base? What is CSI? What is Narconon? I don’t know and am not familiar with these entities. I manage only a very small department whose sole purpose is to terminatedly handle errant semicolons and other malicious punctuation.

“Given the magnitude of these sudden and completely false SP Dead Agent attacks upon me, I made a quick and decisive OT Theta universe postulate to handle and presto! Suddenly 22 wog lawyers appeared to defend my good name and that of the Church.

“Miracles really do happen.

“I am well on my way to victory!” — D.M.

4 responses to “OT Success Story

  1. Postulated I would be the most famous actor in the world with a beautiful wife, kids, the perfect devout religious family. I would be respected and we would live together happily ever after.

    Maybe I should’ve stuck to green lights, parking spaces, and helping accident victims…

    -T.C.

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  2. There is no end to the OT success I have in my life. Just this morning when I woke up, our cat, Pounce, telepathically communicated to me that he was hungry and thanked me after I filled his dish. He then communicated to me that he wanted to go out and chase a bird – so I let him out. Then, driving to work, I was approaching a stop light; I sent out a tractor beam to change the light from red to green and, voila, it changed. When the IAS reg called me at work, I made it go right and was able to get an increase on my line of credit so that I could up my status. I can’t wait to re-do the purification and survival rundowns so that I can re-do my student hat and PTS courses. Life is good.

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  3. Since completing OTVII, I am able to telepathically remove calories from high calorie food….Being able to eat as much as I want without gaining weight is an OT power I wouldn’t want to live without.

    Use OT power to be at cause over food.

    -K.A.

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  4. After completing OT II, I wondered what OT III is like. Few minutes later I got simultaneous phone calls from my FSM and my Registrar, both offering me OT III. I just smiled to myself and said – of course, when do I start? I love being at cause in the OT universe. With all the free theta – postulates just work. No effort. Thank you, Captain SOB and Commodore Hubs!

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