OT SUCCESS STORY
“However, this couldn’t possibly be true because this religious order doesn’t legally exist and therefore has no members to beat.
“Moreover, as the Leader of Leaders, i.e. the global ecclesiastical leader of the world’s fastest growing religion, I am always universally praised and acclaimed by other world leaders. Indeed, I receive 1000-2000 awards, keys to cities, Nobel prizes in Physics, Emmy’s, Oscars, etc. each and every day. These accolades require millions of square feet to warehouse but that is another story as are my HSBC accounts.
“Given that I am spotless and without blemish before man and God, it offended my ecclesiastical sensibilities to have been accused of kicking, punching, choking, slapping, stomping, and slugging religious volunteers who work in unrelated parts of the Church I don’t know about. For instance, what is Gold Base? What is CSI? What is Narconon? I don’t know and am not familiar with these entities. I manage only a very small department whose sole purpose is to terminatedly handle errant semicolons and other malicious punctuation.
“Given the magnitude of these sudden and completely false SP Dead Agent attacks upon me, I made a quick and decisive OT Theta universe postulate to handle and presto! Suddenly 22 wog lawyers appeared to defend my good name and that of the Church.
“Miracles really do happen.
“I am well on my way to victory!” — D.M.