In an ecclesiastical miracle for the ages, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has just found the LOST TECH OF ARBITRATION.
Written by the Founder in 1982, this lost tech proves that arbitration policy has existed in the Church for 35 years. COB also found 537 arbitration cases files that had been concealed inside a wall during a routine drywall repair procedure following an HGB staff meeting.
OSA conducted a hard-hitting investigation which revealed that IJC Mike Ellis was a Psych sent into the Church to hide files and conceal evidence of a fair, just, and impartial arbitration procedure conducted by an independent third party agreed upon by both sides. The bona fides are all there in the files recovered by COB.
Now it all makes sense: A deep-cover Psych posing as the Scientology IJC tried to make the Church lose a crucial legal case thereby ruining Mankind’s only hope of salvation. When the records were checked, OSA further determined that Ellis was actually a low ranking file clerk who was pretending to be the IJC.
Ellis has been terminated for cause and will likely run off to HBO to join the eight bitter defrocked apostates who are attacking the Church.
In honor of COB’s Recovery of the Lost Tech of Arbitration, a statue will be sculpted in his image and likeness and placed in out new 21st century cathedral in Clearwater.
Very well done COB! Thank goodness Scientology has such a stalwart and beneficent leader, towering head and shoulders above his flock to protect and guide them. It’s a pity he has to do everything by himself when it is worrying is that there may still be other Psyche off-worlders under deep cover posing as high-up ministers whose goal is to destroy the Church.
COB needs an assistant of impeccable religiosity who can take some of this awesome responsibility off his broad shoulders, whose role would be that of a Scientology Schattenjäger, to seek out and destroy heresy. Then COB would be able to spend more of his valuable time pondering the ecclesiastical destiny of the fastest growing religion.
I volunteer my theta services to annihilate every inch of drywall and all other obstructing surfaces that are hiding tech from KSW. I know there is more and I will find it for you COB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m laughing and smirking through this to the point I can’t think of a response anymore.
Spelling tech tells me you have a problem.
“…found 537 arbitration cases files that had been concealed inside a wall during a routine drywall repair procedure following an HGB staff meeting.”
But what is the ideal frequency of IDEAL WALL BASHING during ideal staff meetings? This is vital info to enable ideal vertical expansion to occur across the globe, ideally.
Or maybe pre-bashed walls….. We are entering the GOLDEN AGE of BASH – OT-XII / Lock and load!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Up your status.)
At first I thought the artist sketch was intentionally mocking, diminishing COB’s manhood/genitali (which we all must presume is as massive and expanding as the organization he leads). Then I realized that it is merely set within an appropriate context of all those other physical attributes representative of his important role, position. I’m sure if we could see the other side it would be one giant sphincter.