Tag Archives: SP

Get the SP!


Dad was driving the family’s Oldsmobile Vista-Cruiser when he spotted the SP in the crosswalk. Dad accelerated hard, and, with a hard-fixed Scientology glare, aimed the gleaming 5,000 pounds of Detroit steel at the SP. The pistons of the mighty 279 hp GM V8 pushed the car to 97mph. Vast Magellanic clouds were kicked up from the streets as the automobile became a machine of lethal Scientology justice.

“Get the SP Dad!” yelled OSA Cadet Jimmy, aged 7, in the backseat.

“Get the bastard!” shouted Mom from the front passenger seat.

The SP tried to flee the hurtling behemoth, but Dad maneuvered expertly on a set of sturdy Good Year radials he had purchased only the week before with his hefty IAS commission check.

The SP was hit hard and thrown 200 feet through the plate glass window of the Buick dealership on the corner of 4th Street and Insane. 86,000 different delusions went through the SP’s mind as he experienced permanent exteriorization.


“He’s dead Jim,” said Detective Wendy Delusion to her partner Detective Jim Bongo.

“Well he was an SP and so he had it coming to him. There’s no crime here,” replied Detective Bongo.

Jimmy was given a Jr. SP Hunters Detective’s badge. Dad was given an award by Mayor Cleveland Harrison III. Clearwater was safe once again.

Danny Masterson Appearance at Scientology’s Christmas Party Cancelled

Scientologists Jenna Elfman, Laura Prepon, Erika Christensen, and Danny Masterson in the “good old days” before Masterson was accused of raping four women

“Danny Masterson’s traditional appearance as Santa Claus at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s Christmas gala has been cancelled,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

When asked to comment on the allegations that Scientologist Danny “Donkey Punch” Masterson raped four women, and may have even choked or drugged them during the alleged rapes, Delusion stated, ““The Church adamantly denies the implication the Church would ignore the criminal behavior of certain members, especially at the expense of alleged victims. What is being stated is utterly untrue. This has nothing to do with religion. This story is being manipulated to push a bigoted agenda. The Church follows all laws and cooperates with law enforcement. Any statement or implication to the contrary is false.”

When asked what his bloviating non-statement actually meant, Delusion remarked that if saving Scientology meant throwing Masterson under the bus then COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has decreed that this would happen. “Look,” Delusion said, “the Democrats are going to throw Senator Al Franken under the bus to save the party. Well then we in Scientology are doing the same thing with Danny Masterson after our extensive efforts at stonewalling and bribery have failed. Our friends at the LAPD and the L.A. District Attorney’s Office are getting real nervous about the Masterson situation. And if they’re nervous why then Mr. Miscavige is nervous too.”

“If Danny Masterson is convicted and goes to prison then it means that he was never a real Scientologist. Delusion noted. “Therefore, declaring him an SP and getting rid of him is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

Netflix could not be reached for comment as it was hiding under its desk and had the door to its office locked.



techWe in RTC have declared the SP Toronto Conference, or conclave, or whatever it is you people are calling your meeting, an illegal criminal assembly.

Actual investigation has determined the gathering to be awash in criminals, Suppressive Persons, bitter defrocked apostates, jokers and degraders, agents of Big Pharma, Marcabs, Helotrobes, Venutian freight locomotive operators, squirrels, communists, troublemakers, freethinkers, Trotskyite wreckers, diversionaries, saboteurs, and shadowy agents from the nebulous fringes of the internet.

To prevent this contagion of aberration from spreading and infecting the body politic of the Church, Scientologists in good standing are forbidden to travel anywhere near Canada. All 5,000,000 Scientologists living in Canada are hereby ordered to immediately evacuate south to the emergency nuclear proof vaults in Trementina, New Mexico.

Having no choice but to confront and shatter suppression in Toronto, the Church of Scientology has imposed an immediate economic blockade of Toronto. Regrettably, then, and due to the criminal activity of those illegally assembled in Toronto, the Church of Scientology has ceased shipments of e-meters into the region.

We realize depriving Toronto of e-meters is a draconian measure that will punish all Torontonians for the crimes of a few, but we in RTC must make Toronto suffer the harsh reality of an e-meterless existence to underscore the severity of allowing SP’s to openly gather in Toronto.

In an act of extreme ecclesiastical mercy, however, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige six weeks ago secretly ordered the MV Freewinds to sail up the St. Lawrence River to Lake Ontario. At 2200 hours local time on Wednesday, therefore, the MV Freewinds will be docked in Toronto right next to the Jack Layton Ferry Terminal.

All SP’s wishing clemency from the wrath Fleet Admiral Miscavige and the Church are to report to the MV Freewinds and surrender themselves to OSA.

Your parking will be validated.

Those who surrender themselves will be routed onto the SP Toronto Conference Truth Rundown (SPTCTR) where they will write up their crimes, withholds, and overts. Furthermore, these persons must turn in all of their contacts, hard drives, and other electronic media to OSA.

This is the only way to prevent spending lifetime after lifetime alone and in the dark.



Dr. Werner Von Strudeldorf, OSA DICK

OSA Director of Internet Combat Killers (OSA DICK) Dr. Werner Von Strudeldorf sat at his desk and concluded his analysis of the latest datums.

“There is no doubt about it,” Von Strudeldorf told Fleet Admiral Miscavige, “the Psychs have, once again, infiltrated Scientology organizations and spread entheta and disaffection at heretofore unimagined magnitudes of suppression using the internet.”

“The ‘why’ for the latest catastrophic statcrash Herr Fleet Admiral is the internet!”

The Fleet Admiral glared at the OSA DICK.

“Why haven’t you OSA DICK’s killed the internet yet?!” screamed the Fleet Admiral.

“My dear Fleet Admiral,” Von Strudeldorf calmly replied, “as you can see by the many colorful and varied graph-like stats up on the wall, we OSA DICKS have certainly damaged the internet very seriously and can — if only given more time and money — most definitely kill the internet.”

“Okay you SP, just exactly how much more time and money do you OSA DICK’s need?”

“Sir, we need only one year and one hundred million dollars to kill the internet!”

“Okay, if I give you the time and money how will you kill the internet?”

Dr. Von Strudeldorf leaned forward and said, “We in OSA will build a time machine to travel back to 1988. We will take the money with us and buy all of the patents to the internet. Then we will only allow a Scientology internet to exist!”

“By going back in time, we will smash and kill the suppressive wog internet in its hateful little cyber crib!” cackled Dr. Von Strudeldorf.

Fleet Admiral Miscavige drummed his fingers on Dr. Von Strudeldorf’s desk for a minute and then said, “Do it. I’ll have the IAS arrange the grant.”

And thus began the most expensive, largest, and most secret project in Scientology’s history….

This Is a Test of the SP Broadcasting System

Underground Bunker.1


There is nothing wrong with your internets.

This is only a test of the SP Broadcasting System.

Do not attempt to adjust the entheta. We are controlling transmission.

If we wish to make the entheta louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper.

We control the horizontal. We control the vertical. We can roll the entheta, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity.

We repeat: This is only a test of the SP Broadcasting System. In the case of actual breaking news on the Church of Scientology, you would have been instructed to tune to The Underground Bunker or other official websites.

This completes our test of the SP Broadcasting System.

You will now be returned to the regular internets.

How to get a convinced Scientologist on the road to donating more to the IAS!


David Miscavige, Grand Exalted Leader of the Church of Scientology

How to get a convinced Scientologist on the road to donating more to the IAS!

Stable Datum: All members of the Church of Scientology have a button on self importance, particularly OT’s and every single person in OSA.

Therefore, we in the IAS use the “self importance” button to soak these idiots appeal to Church parishioners to donate more money:

* It is only your donation that stands between Planetary Salvation and Planetary Destruction!

* COB was just telling us what a magnificent thetan you are. And now COB personally needs a favor from you. He needs you to help him pay the legal bills for a malicious Psych attack that could destroy Scientology!

* You alone are the entire reason the entire Church of Scientology will survive today. Don’t let the group down. Please make a heroic donation.

* Only you can save souls from being lost for eternity. Please donate today to help the IAS keep its Fourth Dynamic Salvage programs going.

* You are a Big Being — and your big beingness can save this planet. Write that check.

* Bob Duggan has a bigger IAS trophy than you do. Are you gonna let Bob get away with outdoing you in status? No, we didn’t think so.

* Grant Cardone: You and Elena are actually far more important to the Scientology religion than Tom Cruise. COB said so. COB needs you and Elena to step up and personally fund the CCHR campaign for Florida. COB needs you to stop the psychiatric drugging of children in Flag’s own backyard! Thanks, you guys are such BiG Beings who are sooooo Theta!

* Bob Duggan: “Bob, COB told us that just being around you completely blows charge for him. Bob, COB knows he can personally count on you and Trish to help him confront and shatter the Fourth Dynamic Engram on this prison planet. When people on this cleared planet look back one hundred years from now they will say, “Thank you Bob and Trish Duggan – and thank you COB!”

Church of Scientology’s Master Plan for Clearwater, Florida

SP.Bldg“We in the Church of Scientology are pleased to announce our sweeping and fully embracive new master plan to transform Clearwater, Florida,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“When the Church of Scientology first came to Clearwater in 1975 what we found was a filthy and degraded little truck stop town awash in crime, drugs, sexual deviance, and disgraceful mismanagement by City Hall. Shockingly, the so-called ‘locals’ liked this existing scene because it allowed them to openly peddle drugs in the streets, consort with prostitutes, and ply their con games on tourists.”


Captain David Miscavige practices KCS — Keeping Clearwater Safe!

“Accordingly, we in the Church of Scientology made an ‘OT Pledge’ to clean things up in Clearwater.”

“We began with the head SP Mayor Gabe Cazares and his crooked band of ragtag hoodlums he called a police force. Mayor Cazares, his cronies in City Hall, and the dirty cops didn’t like having Scientology Ethics put in on them but so what? We in the Church of Scientology have a Planet to clear and so we took a great big push broom to City Hall and swept the place clean.”

“The SP politicos squawked and made all sorts of wild-eyed and unfounded accusations about the Guardian’s Office this and the Guardian’s Office that, but at the end of the day Clearwater was much better off. ”

tech“Next on our list were the ‘local businesses’ in Downtown Clearwater that were either pawn shops, dirty book stores, or fronts for organized crime to engage in money laundering.”

“We quickly chased away those phony wog dry cleaners, pharmacies, florists, insurance agencies, coffee shops and other business out of the Church of Scientology’s precious Downtown Clearwater. The ‘locals” who had frequented those shady businesses soon discovered they needed to go elsewhere to buy their street drugs, procure their prostitutes, or pawn their stolen jewelry and electronics.”

“Downtown Clearwater has become safer than ever thanks to we in the Church of Scientology ruthlessly putting in Ethics on a city that once made all Floridians feel deeply ashamed.”

The Honorable, the Beneficent, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is applauded by Sea Org members including Tom Cruise. “And now our master plan for Clearwater can be announced: After bankrupting the city, we in the Church of Scientology will purchase the land, municipal facilities, and other assets of Clearwater in the bankruptcy auction.”

“Whereupon, Mayor David Miscavige will then have all remaining wog trespassers in Clearwater removed from our property quietly and without sorrow.”