Tag Archives: Suppressive Person

Danny Masterson Appearance at Scientology’s Christmas Party Cancelled

Scientologists Jenna Elfman, Laura Prepon, Erika Christensen, and Danny Masterson in the “good old days” before Masterson was accused of raping four women

“Danny Masterson’s traditional appearance as Santa Claus at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s Christmas gala has been cancelled,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

When asked to comment on the allegations that Scientologist Danny “Donkey Punch” Masterson raped four women, and may have even choked or drugged them during the alleged rapes, Delusion stated, ““The Church adamantly denies the implication the Church would ignore the criminal behavior of certain members, especially at the expense of alleged victims. What is being stated is utterly untrue. This has nothing to do with religion. This story is being manipulated to push a bigoted agenda. The Church follows all laws and cooperates with law enforcement. Any statement or implication to the contrary is false.”

When asked what his bloviating non-statement actually meant, Delusion remarked that if saving Scientology meant throwing Masterson under the bus then COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has decreed that this would happen. “Look,” Delusion said, “the Democrats are going to throw Senator Al Franken under the bus to save the party. Well then we in Scientology are doing the same thing with Danny Masterson after our extensive efforts at stonewalling and bribery have failed. Our friends at the LAPD and the L.A. District Attorney’s Office are getting real nervous about the Masterson situation. And if they’re nervous why then Mr. Miscavige is nervous too.”

“If Danny Masterson is convicted and goes to prison then it means that he was never a real Scientologist. Delusion noted. “Therefore, declaring him an SP and getting rid of him is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

Netflix could not be reached for comment as it was hiding under its desk and had the door to its office locked.

Welcome to Scientology

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Welcome to Scientology. We’ll begin by having you get rid of your suppressive family. BTW, you can’t watch ScientologyTheAftermath or we’ll declare you an SP!

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige Announces ABF

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“Entheta is up 3,000%,” announced Captain Ken Delusion, CO Entheta Particles Unit OSA.

“Even with all he is doing, and all he has done, COB can’t open new Ideal Orgs fast enough to counter the entheta or the spectatorism and CICS’ing in the OT Committees.”

“The nattering among OT Committee members that they have too much work to do, are financially drained, are trapped in the Slough of Despond, are PTS to the internet and SP’s, etc. is all case and all bank,” Delusion reminded OTC members.

“The breakthrough is more fundraising. The answer is always more fundraising.”

“The Founder said ‘solve it with Scientology’ and what is Scientology? Scientology is fundraising and therefore to be a Scientologist, to do Scientology, is to fundraise. Hence, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige’s new stable datum is ABF:

Always
Be
Fundraising

“In 21st century Scientology,  KSW is ABF is Truth Revealed is OTIX, OTX, and OT Infinity,” declared Delusion.

Scientology’s A Team Ready to Clear the Planet

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Scientologists Greta Van Susteren, David Miscavige, Louis Farrakhan, and Tom Cruise stand ready to engage in Fair Game, Disconnection, and using all other Scientology Technology to clear the planet and build a New Civilization.

Are you ready to join the A Team and help Scientology dispose of quietly and without sorrow all persons 2.0 and below on the Tone Scale?

 

Lisa Marie Presley Disrepects Fleet Admiral David Miscavige!

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Tony Ortega reported that ex-Scientologist Lisa Marie Presley, the daughter of Elvis Presley and former wife of late pop legend Michael Jackson, has been plotting to covertly undermine the leadership of the Church of Scientology…

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Lisa Marie refuses to obey Fleet Admiral David Miscavige’s authoritay!

We in RTC can confirm that Lisa Marie Presley has been plotting with others to covertly undermine the leadership, stature, and greatness of Fleet Admiral David Miscavige, the Lord High Protector of Teegeeack.

For her crimes,  Lisa Marie has been declared a Suppressive Person. Her only terminal is the IJC. It is hoped that Lisa Marie will come to her
senses, recant, and do Steps A-E rather. As it stands now, Lisa Marie has thrown away her eternity, her eligibility for OT IX and OT X, and has forfeited all certs and IAS statuses. The enormity of losing one’s IAS status cannot be understated.

“As a result of increased suppression, a shocking, unprecedented, and highest-ever 47x wave of SP Declares is coming,” warned Mr. Ken Delusion, CO OSA Purges Bureaux. “Fleet Admiral Miscavige and Vice Admiral Tom Cruise will very soon be declaring 2.5% of the Church’s 1,200,000,000 members in a housecleaning of epic proportions the likes of which has not been seen since the Missionholder Massacre of 1982 by the Int Finance Police under the heroic leadership of Mr. Miscavige.”

“The Fleet Admiral has kept the door open just a crack. Scientologists who are in on the plot to undermine Fleet Admiral Miscavige have 72 hours to turn themselves in to OSA 2, confess their crimes, and give OSA 2 a full write up and debrief on their fellow plotters. To reiterate, the enormity of losing one’s exalted IAS status cannot be understated.”

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Illustration: Jack Chick

 

Welcome to the Church of Scientology – Indoctrination for New Members

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Welcome to the Church of Scientology.

You have made a very wise decision to improve yourself through the use of our highly effective spiritual technology.

An exciting spiritual adventure awaits. Our copyrighted spiritual technology will allow you to precisely date locate, re-experience, and thereby erase all of the painful engrams stored in your reactive mind. And as you move with GAT II’s fastest-ever speeds up the Bridge to Total Freedom, you’ll quickly become a Clear who has no reactive mind — and then onto the summit of the OT levels!

Scientology’s electropsychometer — or “e-meter” as we call it — will probe the deepest recesses of your prurient, festering, and filthy self-absorbed mind, thereby relieving you of your hidden evil purposes and the vast reservoir of guilty secrets that lay hidden just beneath the surface. We know what makes you tick and it is not good.

The e-meter is your friend and so is your auditor. Likewise, all of us in the Church of Scientology are your friends.

We care so very deeply about you.

It is for this reason that you must, while in the recorded sessions with your auditor, unreservedly confess to us all of your horrible crimes and sins in order to free yourself. For example, we must know the intimate details of your secret drug-fueled masturbatory orgies. What detestable fantasies run through your head during these assuredly self-hating bouts of onanism?

And what of embezzlement, grand theft, or any other felonies you have committed and do not want the authorities to discover? We need to know the details of just exactly what you did, how you got away with it, and how much money is involved. Please be assured we can certainly make “problem money” go away very quickly thereby relieving you of any undue concerns.

As for your current marriage or primary relationship: If the other person is not a Scientologist, or is not willing to promptly become a Scientologist, why then they must be gotten rid of immediately. Drive them from your life now! If needed, we are quite proficient at helping make these hateful anti-Scientologists go away and even disappear. The same applies to any of your friends who are not friendly to Scientology. We are very friendly. As Scientologists, however, we simply do not care to associate ourselves with Suppressive Persons (SP’s).

SP’s are quite insane and are actually criminals. As such, SP’s are opposed to anyone getting better by using Scientology’s safe and effective drug free solutions to life.

For your own safety you must stay away from SP’s. We will tell you who and who is not an SP.

We are the most ethical group on the planet.

Your secrets are unquestionably safe with us.

Your auditing sessions are recorded only for internal training purposes.

You must help us help you. You must never try to hide anything from us. You must never keep any secrets from us or attempt to hide any money from us. You must never run away from us and make us come after you because we will.

Please do not confuse our intense love and affection for stalking. For instance, if you come to home to find your fellow Scientologists conducting a detailed inspection of your residence and possessions, you need not be alarmed. We are simply acting in your best interest by taking away from you those possessions we feel could harm you. Such possessions include, but are not limited to, computers and all other devices capable of connecting to the internet or placing calls to your so-called family and friends. We have issued you a two-way radio. You can call us if needed. When we call you on your radio, and we will several times each hour to check in on your progress, you must answer.

Instant obedience is the way of life in Scientology. You must use every waking moment to improve and perfect your instant obedience and commitment to the Church of Scientology.

You will be precisely indoctrinated in order to achieve the absolute state of spiritual enlightenment. This is achieved by a strict monastic regimen of painful and soul-rending confession, malnourishment, beatings, and sleep deprivation. While this intense monastic regime results in alternating states of giddy euphoria and abject self-debasement, we assure you this only a temporary state. Indeed, when the “extreme crisis phase” of this exalted spiritual state reaches its climax, the reactive mind rather unexpectedly and permanently erases. Suddenly you “go Clear” because you are Clear.

We will present you with a handsomely framed certificate verifying the State of Clear you have reached. This certificate may be displayed in your home. This certificate is all the proof needed to verify that you are an advanced spiritual being whose IQ and abilities mark  you as being better and smarter than the seven billion inferior people on this planet who are not Scientologists.

It is an actual scientific fact that when you improve yourself using Scientology you are vastly superior in every way to what we secretly call “homo saps” or “wogs”, i.e. non-Scientologists. You will eventually become an Operating Thetan, or “OT.”

And when you become an exalted OT VIII like Tom Cruise, you too will know the seventy-six trillion year old hidden Nazi history of Psychiatry. You too will be the only one who can help at the scene of an accident.

This completes your “Welcome to the Church of Scientology” Level 1.

Our uniformed security personnel will now escort you to Room 5A. There we need you to quickly sign some paperwork authorizing the Church of Scientology to implant a micro-GPS device behind your left ear. This device includes a sound chip. Should you fail to answer when we call you on your radio, this device will emit an undulating shrill pitch until you answer our call.

OSA DICK

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Dr. Werner Von Strudeldorf, OSA DICK

OSA Director of Internet Combat Killers (OSA DICK) Dr. Werner Von Strudeldorf sat at his desk and concluded his analysis of the latest datums.

“There is no doubt about it,” Von Strudeldorf told Fleet Admiral Miscavige, “the Psychs have, once again, infiltrated Scientology organizations and spread entheta and disaffection at heretofore unimagined magnitudes of suppression using the internet.”

“The ‘why’ for the latest catastrophic statcrash Herr Fleet Admiral is the internet!”

The Fleet Admiral glared at the OSA DICK.

“Why haven’t you OSA DICK’s killed the internet yet?!” screamed the Fleet Admiral.

“My dear Fleet Admiral,” Von Strudeldorf calmly replied, “as you can see by the many colorful and varied graph-like stats up on the wall, we OSA DICKS have certainly damaged the internet very seriously and can — if only given more time and money — most definitely kill the internet.”

“Okay you SP, just exactly how much more time and money do you OSA DICK’s need?”

“Sir, we need only one year and one hundred million dollars to kill the internet!”

“Okay, if I give you the time and money how will you kill the internet?”

Dr. Von Strudeldorf leaned forward and said, “We in OSA will build a time machine to travel back to 1988. We will take the money with us and buy all of the patents to the internet. Then we will only allow a Scientology internet to exist!”

“By going back in time, we will smash and kill the suppressive wog internet in its hateful little cyber crib!” cackled Dr. Von Strudeldorf.

Fleet Admiral Miscavige drummed his fingers on Dr. Von Strudeldorf’s desk for a minute and then said, “Do it. I’ll have the IAS arrange the grant.”

And thus began the most expensive, largest, and most secret project in Scientology’s history….