Launch of Super Power and GAT II to be World’s First “On the Cans Only” Event!

After months of extensive preparation, we in RTC can now announce that next week’s launch of Super Power and GAT II will be the world’s first “On the Cans Only” event.

Each of the plush luxury seats in the festive Ecclesiastical Pavilion here at Flag has been equipped with a set of cans in the cupholder.

COB RTC Mr. Miscavige, the Master of Ceremonies, will begin the gala by giving the command:

“Please pick up the cans, this is the event.”

“I am not auditing you.”

EP.Cans

Teams of Flag sec checkers will be in the secret control room watching the needle reads of everyone in the audience. We in RTC will find your dirty needles, withholds, and rock slams!

1CSSPY

Yes, you will be watched and followed by OSA at the event.

Mr. Miscavige expects all Scientologists present to donate monumentally and heroically and in such a way that they “go all in.”

Only by going all in may Scientologists fully realize the EP of GAT II which is “the ability to go in and stay in.”

Then again, to be fully interior with no perception is the pathway COB treads each day. And so now each of us can understand how it is that COB has been able to take the Church of Scientology into the incredible form of reality within which it exists today!

10 responses to “Launch of Super Power and GAT II to be World’s First “On the Cans Only” Event!

  1. Pick up the cans? Whoops…to drum up interest, SO boiler rooms were selling this as a Big Tent OT circus. And I suppose now this means no popcorn, correct?

    If this business of the cans gets out attendance may plummet, because folks know a circus isn’t a circus without popcorn, peanuts, and cotton candy!!

    We are promising Dave will be walking the high wire without a net, all the while juggling 10 different items at one time. We even released a flyer with Dave in his trapeze unitard. It’ll be a show folks will never forget.

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    • Captain whostolemycog, the Scientology art of the bait and switch cannot be emphasized enough.

      Sure, we promise parishioners balloons, music, and a fun-filled carnival atmosphere of pure theta and new spiritual powers that will blow them fifty feet out of their heads.

      But the gritty reality is that we will rake each and every parishioners over the coals.

      We will squeeze them like a wet dish rag until we get every last penny out of them and them some!

      COB will only be happy if parishioners leave this historic event with at least $500,000 in new debt, this owing to the monumental, epic, and heroic donations they have made.

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  2. Great! Do we have to bring out own hand lotion?

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  3. AS USUAL A GREAT POST AND good laugh! Love you guys!

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  4. Who needs auditors anyway …

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  5. @scnethics I’m sure there will be plenty of lubricants there.

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  6. Hysterical! I could easily see it happening.

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  7. May I suggest to RTC that 440 volts be instantly directed to anyone caught rockslamming? Seeing those SP rockslammers convulsing and bleeding from the eyes as a result of the theta burst is likely to improve morale (keep the sheep in line with command intention).

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