At 0800 hours today, Church of Scientology armies stormed out of the Flag Ecclesiastical Pavilion and the Super Power Building whereupon they unleashed a massive surprise ground attack upon the City of Clearwater.
“The Church of Scientology was fully justified in launching this attack,” declared Field Marshall David Miscavige. “Factually, and more to the point, the City’s threat to withhold permits for our strategic and planetary-changing launch of GAT II and Super Power forced the Church’s hand. We had no other choice than to attack!”
“Our ferocious and fearsome armies easily defeated the Downtown Clearwater sector, this largely due to the almost complete absence of non-Scientologists,” reported General Ken Delusion of Dianetics Tank Battalion 7.
Units on the ground reported that by late afternoon Scientology heavy infantry controlled the main runway at Clearwater Air Park. No enemy Cessna’s can fly in supplies. Scientology forces also control the food court and several crucial cell phone kiosks at the Clearwater Mall.
“Although Clearwater is under siege and vastly outnumbered by a superior force, City Manager Bill Horne appears, as usual, to not be taking the Church of Scientology seriously,” General Delusion exclaimed.
“Indeed, City Manager Horne sent one of his lieutenants out to our Central Command bunker to ask if we had a film permit! Astonishingly, Mr. Horne thinks we are filming some sort of movie!”
“Those suppressive Psychs in City Hall do not seem to realize that our dozens of videographers are filming Field Marshal Miscavige’s glorious victory over the suppressive City of Clearwater to show our parishioners on November 17!”
“We don’t need no stinkin’ permits!” General Delusion railed. “Not in Clearwater anyway.”