Church of Scientology Armies Launch Surprise Attack on Clearwater!

At 0800 hours today, Church of Scientology armies stormed out of the Flag Ecclesiastical Pavilion and the Super Power Building whereupon they unleashed a massive surprise ground attack upon the City of Clearwater.

“The Church of Scientology was fully justified in launching this attack,” declared Field Marshall David Miscavige. “Factually, and more to the point, the City’s threat to withhold permits for our strategic and planetary-changing launch of GAT II and Super Power forced the Church’s hand. We had no other choice than to attack!”


Lead elements of Dianetics Tank Battalion 7 storm through the City of Clearwater.  Please note how beautifully color-coordinated our main battle tanks are with the new Super Power Building. We call this having great taste in all things MEST.

“Our ferocious and fearsome armies easily defeated the Downtown Clearwater sector, this largely due to the almost complete absence of non-Scientologists,” reported General Ken Delusion of Dianetics Tank Battalion 7.

Units on the ground reported that by late afternoon Scientology heavy infantry controlled the main runway at Clearwater Air Park. No enemy Cessna’s can fly in supplies. Scientology forces also control the food court and several crucial cell phone kiosks at the Clearwater Mall.

“Although Clearwater is under siege and vastly outnumbered by a superior force,  City Manager Bill Horne appears, as usual, to not be taking the Church of Scientology seriously,” General Delusion exclaimed.

“Indeed, City Manager Horne sent one of his lieutenants out to our Central Command bunker to ask if we had a film permit! Astonishingly, Mr. Horne thinks we are filming some sort of movie!”

“Those suppressive Psychs in City Hall do not seem to realize that our dozens of videographers are filming Field Marshal Miscavige’s glorious victory over the suppressive City of Clearwater to show our parishioners on November 17!”

“We don’t need no stinkin’ permits!” General Delusion railed. “Not in Clearwater anyway.”


RTC Command Helicopter patrols Downtown Clearwater in search of Psychs.

14 replies »

  1. Hi there

    As you may know Clearwater is planning a conference and megaraid for May next year. It is proposed to put together a press pack which will be a satirical parody of the cult What Is Scientology? book entitled, What Scientology Is! It would be wonderful if you could lend your support/input/services to this project. We want it to have the look and feel of a Scientology publication to the extent that it would fool them into reading it. I think you can probably see where I’m going with this. What do you say?


    On Fri, Nov 8, 2013 at 7:50 AM, OTVIIIisGrrr8!


  2. OH NO’s………..If Scientology is in control of the food court…….does that mean all there will be is rice? And maybe some beans?
    Do we still get some cheese whiz with that?
    Is it going to be in the form of MRE’s?

    What about Starbucks? Have they occupied Starbucks yet?

    That is it!!!! I am forming a team of rebel ninjas to launch you Thetans to target two permanently.
    You can mess with the buildings, …but now you have insulted the gastronomical goodness of ClearWater.

    Prepare to DIE (Metaphorically of course…In reality, I will be bringing you some caek 😉


    • I would think that more sophisticated and upscale mall shoppers with Range Rovers parked in the parking lot would welcome that change in food court cuisine.

      Those with Whole Foods organic cuisine sensibilities would probably prefer the back-to-nature simplicity of rice and beans, served by bland Sea Org workers in their low-key uniforms to the far less nutritious Hot Dog on a Stick products served by workers that look like refugees from an explosion in a clown costume factory.




        But to answer your question, yes, there will be beans and rice in the food court. Velveeta topping is $2.00 extra. Snow cones are served daily.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Shades of the Berlin Blockage here, is Dianetics Tank Battalion 7 up to the job? Or will Tom Cruise perform another Mission Impossible?
    Who will save the day, is Field Marshall Miscavige even in the country or has he fled with the moola?
    Is all going to be revealed in the next exciting episode?


    • Bingo!

      Attack at dawn and make them give us what we want.

      Scattered street fighting continues over the traffic signals and light posts.

      Heavy casualties reported in the Old Saint Hill Brigade when troopers suffered serious bruising from friendly fire when thousands of the old e-meters were launched from catapults atop the Super Power Building.


  4. We understand that Vogue, Vanity Fair and Project Runway all have Gucci, Manolo Blahnik, and Louboutin boots on the ground in Clearwater today. The world is holding its breath in order to fit into its Dussault, diamond encrusted jeans because Heidi Klum has discovered the sequel to heroin chic, it is Sea Org Starvation Chic. This is very exciting news. Overnight, an army of grey skinned, starved looking young people showed up on the streets of Clearwater. As Klum seeks out anyone who is still able to stand, we report this chic new diet: every week consume one cup of beans, mixed with one cup of rice. That’s it, the easiest, most chic diet ever ( and don’t forget, sleep and bread are big no nos).

    Signed, Helen Gone


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