Tag Archives: RTC

Confidential: David Miscavige Popularity Plunge! Crisis in Scientology!

WTF! According to Psych-infested Facebook, the COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige news page only has 190 followers! How can this be given the fact that the Church of Scientology has 12,000,000 members and is the fastest growing religion in the world?

Worse, the internet is now joking & degrading about this! This bigotry is an outrage! We in Scientology are the most ethical group on the planet and shouldn’t have to put up with such blatant japery as this on Twitter:

DM.FB.News.Page

Dead Cult leader David Koresh has 5x more likes than COB!

David.Koresh.FB.Page

We in RTC hereby decree that all 12,000,000 Scientologists are to give COB likes on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Encyclopedia Britannica, the

Church of Scientology Leader David Miscavige Made the Butt of Jokes!

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige was called the “big cheese” by the unfunny joker & degrader Conan O’Brien. Scientologists — both real and Stock Photo Scientologists — have protested to Conan O’Brien:

The Conan O’Brien Show
Burbank, CA 90068

Dear Mr. O’Brien,

I read the press today about your recent show with Leah Remini…Having watched the segment, I was especially disappointed by some of the gratuitous comments you made in interviewing Ms. Remini, notably a snarky reference to the Church’s leader as “the big cheese,” and questioning Ms. Remini on why the Church “is not suing” her… I found it personally offensive and I was embarrassed for you.

Thank you.

Catriona McKenzie
Ontario, Calif.

First, COB is neither big nor is he a cheese. COB is 5’1″(129.5 cm) and is made of substance that, while having the consistency of a warm and lumpy melted cheese on a hot summer day, smells far worse and is often found on the bottom of shoes.

Second, Catriona McKenzie is a stock photo Scientologist, i.e. she is not real and is rather a completely fake Scientologist used by STAND. But that’s not the point. The point is this: If Catriona McKenzie were a real Scientologist she would be outraged!

Third, we in the Church of Scientology have not sued Leah Remini because that would risk Mr. Miscavige being deposed in what would surely become a fishing trip into what critics have unfairly characterized as his “criminality, lies, perjury, and violence.” Simply put, Mr. Miscavige could never get a fair hearing in a wog court where savagely beating one’s acussers is not allowed as we understand the matter.

COB has been lampooned and parodied by many suppressive persons. Unfortunately, even in this age of cheap and unlimited bandwidth, bandwidth limitations prevent us from naming and shaming these millions of people who have chortled at COB and alleged that he is both a clownish incompetent buffoon and a violent self-aggrandizing narcissist.

The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience!

So many Scientologists wish they had served with the Founder aboard the Flagship Apollo. One of the most celebrated ecclesiastical ceremonies aboard the Apollo was to be overboarded, i.e. seized and thrown over the side of the ship in stark terror for your transgressions. Well now you can have this experience at Flag Land Base.

overboarding
The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience begins when you’re suddenly and unexpectedly approached by three burly Sea Org Ethics Officers. These ruthless toughs seize you bodily and mercilessly toss you overboard as they curse you in the most obscene and profane ways for being out ethics on all dynamics. It’s a 60 foot (20 meter) vertical drop into a large and very deep saltwater tank whose swirling and freezing waters will challenge you to breathe as you fight for your very life! $3250 donation. If you’re a weakling and actually need to be rescued there will be an additional $7500 donation assessed against your monies on account. Waivers must be signed holding FSO harmless from all injuries up to and including death.

overboarding-1

“This can’t be happening to me at the happiest place on Earth!” you’ll be thinking as you suddenly realize you’re actually drowning in real life while experiencing the terrifying onset of hypothermia in the freezing and turbulent waters. As the stinging and freezing saltwater sears your lungs and you fade in and out consciousness, you realize that without the Sea Org rescue team you will be dead in a few minutes. As your life hangs in the balance, the Sea Org rescue team informs you that you must up your IAS status and donate $40,000 to TWTH global salvage campaigns as a condition of being rescued. Otherwise, so what? Go pick up a new body.

overboarding-3

Should you succumb, please be assured that we in RTC and all other Scientologists in good standing will blame you for pulling it in. Your body will placed into a weighted burlap sack. Your remains will then be transported out into the Gulf of Mexico in the dark of night on a skiff by Cuban fisherman. There, you will dumped into the murky depths and any memory of you will be immediately and forever forgotten in the eternal and golden travertine halls of FLB.

RTC Emergency Decree: Scientologists Ordered to Not Read “Ruthless” by Ron Miscavige Sr.

FADM.2

Fleet Admiral David Miscavige today issued an RTC emergency ecclesiastical decree forbidding — upon pain of torture, death, and loss of one’s eternity — any Scientologist from reading an upcoming book entitled:

Ruthless: Scientology, My Son David Miscavige, and Me

Scientology MAA’s are fanning out in force to enforce the RTC emergency ecclesiastical decree:

Sea.Org.Elite

Scientology MAA’s will brutally enforce the RTC emergency ecclesiastical decree. There will be no mercy.

Scientology Thought Police Dictator Mr. Zeke Manson warned all Scientologists, “If you get KR’d and I find out you purchased and read this book I will personally come over to your house with my MAA’s and we will gangbang sec check you like you’ve never been gangbang sec checked before!”

crazy-looking-crazy-man

Scientology Thought Police Dictator Mr. Zeke Manson

Round One: Bart Dixslurper, Esq. Legal Correspondence with Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third)

(From the 2/2/2106 comments section at the Underground Bunker)


CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION

Date: 2 Feb 2016
To: The Underground Bunker & All Bunkerites
From: Bart Dixslurper, Esq.
Re: Criminal J&D

Dear Underground Bunker,

We have been retained as counsel by the Religious Technology Center (RTC), the holder of Scientology trademarks and copyrights.

It has come to RTC’s attention that you, the Underground Bunker, are co-conspirators in a plot to joke & degrade about the Church of Scientology and its ecclesiastical leader Fleet Admiral David Miscavige.

We have learned that you are doing this for money and are all being paid by Big Pharma. Your disgraceful acts, and those of your co-conspirators prove, however, that you are not capable of being ashamed.

Let me make it clear and present your options in simple terms. If you do not immediately cease and desist in your efforts to Joke & Degrade about Scientology and my client Fleet Admiral David Miscavige with your idiotic and juvenile antics, we shall proceed with swift and sure legal action preventing your egregious misconduct and seeking compensatory and punitive damages for the humiliation and intentional infliction of emotional distress your tortious acts have caused and will cause Fleet Admiral David Miscavige and all of Scientology.

Please confirm no later than 2 PM PST on February 4, 2016 that you will cease and desist from your lawless
behavior.

All rights are reserved.

Sincerely,
Bart Dixslurper, Esq.

Mr B. Dixsleurper,
No.
Respectfully,
Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third)

Date: 2 Feb 2016
To: $cnMonkeyNut$
From: Bart Dixslurper, Esq.
Re: Criminal J&D

Dear $cnMonkeyNut$,

Well it certainly would appear that haters are gon’ hate. Therefore, you are #1 on my shit list for refusing to respect my authoritay as a Scientology lawyer.

Please confirm no later than 2 PM PST on February 4, 2016 that you will cease and desist from your lawless behavior and hating of me. I am a player and will not be hated by a common wog monkey.

All rights are reserved.

Sincerely,
Bart Dixslurper, Esq.

Date: 2 Feb 2016
To: Bart Dixslurper, Esq.
Re: Criminal J&D

Dear Mr. Dixslurper,

While I appreciate that it might appear (to the untutored eye, perhaps), that I appear to be a hater of you (and your client), nothing could be further from the truth. My obvious disrespect for you and your client arises from the fact that:
1) Your client is the ‘Church’ of $cientology’s ‘Ecclesiastical’ leader Flute Admirer Dinky Microviolencemachine.
It therefore follows that:
2) I recognise no authoritay in you, for which I should exhibit even the slightest morsel of respect.

Awfully sorry, old fellow!

This missive is to confirm that my taking the piss out of your client by means of joking and degrading will continue, and no such cessation will occur by the specified time and date.

Furthermore, I find your direct communication vexatious–and would request any further unfounded statements of playerhood be addressed to my Solicitors, Messrs. Wier, Gunner-Wynn and Kyk-Yerarse, of 35 London, Englandshire.

Sincerely,

Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third)

Date: 2 Feb 2016
To: Messrs. Wier, Gunner-Wynn and Kyk-Yerarse
35 London, Englandshire
From: Bart Dixslurper, Esq.
Re: Your client Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third)

Dear Messrs. Wier, Gunner-Wynn and Kyk-Yerarse,

We have been retained as counsel by the Religious Technology Center (RTC), the holder of Scientology trademarks and copyrights. In the Commonwealth countries we are known as COSRECI and are headquartered in a private home, the owner of which we have never, apparently, properly informed of such. See: http://tonyortega.org/2015/02/…

This bit of tax-evasion fuckery notwithstanding, your client Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third) is a co-conspirator with a tiny handful of bitter suppressive persons (collectively known as Bunkerites) in a global conspiracy to criminally Joke & Degrade about my client Fleet Admiral David Miscavige, Lord High Ruler of the Espinol Star System and all Churches, Missions, and Social Betterment Groups in the Scientology Ecclesiastical Hierarchy.

These jokers & degraders — including your client — are not capable of being ashamed, this despite our repeated attempts at shaming them into ceasing and desisting with their shameful mockeries and various blasphemies directed against Fleet Admiral David Miscavige and the Church of Scientology.

BTW, I might add that Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has all his splendid haberdashery custom made in the finest boy’s stores on Saville Row. He also has his John Lobb shoes made in London.

But I digress.

The point is that I have twice now demanded your client to please confirm to me no later than 2 PM PST on February 4, 2016 that he will cease and desist from his lawless
behavior.

My demands have been met with derision and a lack of seriousness. I find this disturbing. We are the Church of Scientology after all and expect to be feared by God and Wog alike.

Please advise soonest of your client’s compliance with my very serious demands.

All rights are reserved.

Sincerely,

Bart Dixslurper, Esq.

Date: 2nd February 2016
To: Bart Dixslurper, Esq.
From: Hartley Kyk-Yerarse (Senior Partner), Messrs. Weir, Gunner-Wynn and Kyk-Yerarse LLC (Solicitors)
Re: S. Monkeying-Nutford III

Dear Mr. Dixslurper,

Thank you for notifying us of your client’s opinion as to the actions of Mr. Monkeying-Nutford III. They have been passed onto our client for comment.

Our Client initially informs us, however, that he has no intention of desisting in the actions alleged by your client (including, but not limited to, the activities as outlined in your communication), nor from ceasing interaction with the group named by yourselves. Any paranoid conspiracy theories perceived by your client is solely the result of issues (possibly of a medical or psychiatric nature), entirely unrelated to our client’s activity.

May I thank your client for supporting this county’s economy and the luxury shoe and shirt markets. They do so love charging him ten times over the odds.

With specific reference to the time and date requirement for our client’s ceasing and desisting the lawless behaviour alleged by your clients, Mr. Monkeying-Nutford requested that we state: So Sue Him Then. Our client further states he has no fear of the personification of bronze-age socio-political control mechanisms, nor the ‘religion’ of an unknown, fourth-rate, sci-fi hack.

To conclude:
No compliance will be forthcoming from our client for your client’s, frankly frivolous, demands.

Yours sincerely,

Hartley Kyk-Yerarse

S. O. Weir
T. O. T. Ally Gunner-Wynn
Hartley Kyk-Yerarse
SENIOR PARTNERSWeir, Gunner-Wynn and Kyk-Yerarse Solicitors LLC (Estd 1568)

COB Finds the “Why” for Failing Orgs

Gestapo

RTC Surplus Org Obliteration Unit

“After recently discovering yet more lost tech in the cavernous file cabinets of the Founder that, if laid end to end, would stretch from here to Venus, COB has finally found the correct why for the failing Orgs,” declared Colonel General Heinz Janke, Commanding Officer of the new RTC Surplus Org Obliteration Unit (RTC SOOU).

“This new lost tech informs us that 9 is the number of Earth. Therefore, it logically follows that Scientology only needs 9 Orgs to handle this very small planet.”

“We would of course need more Orgs on a larger planet such as Jupiter.”

“The why for failing Orgs is that there was a misunderstood which led CSI ED INT to falsely conclude the Church of Scientology needed hundreds of expensive Ideal Orgs.”

“ED INT is 100% to blame for assigning vastly false significances to expansion when the Church only ever needed 9 Orgs. As it now stands, Scientology has enough Orgs to handle the super giant star Betelgeuse.”

“ED INT fed COB and the IAS false data for almost fifteen years now and led the Church on a wild goose chase to purchase, renovate, and open useless and empty Orgs”

“ED INT has been Comm Ev’d and shipped off to RPF Gulag #117 in Siberia where he has been sentenced to 90 years of hard labor.”

“The real failure of ED INT’s crashing Mis-U is that — for too many years now — COB has tolerated failing Orgs in the sincere hope that the Basics and GAT II would revivify them and thus bring them back from the dead.”

“What this newly-found lost tech tells us, however, is that Scientology has a very large surplus of Orgs because the Church did not have the correct-planet-size-to-org-ratio tech.

“COB has now surveyed the matter and concluded that there are 962 surplus Orgs. These Orgs are scheduled for obliteration,” Janke stated.

“What does COB mean by this word obliteration?”

“What COB means is that these failing Orgs are to have their licenses revoked by CSI and RTC so they cannot deliver 100% standard Scientology. When this happens there  are no more surplus Orgs; there are only empty buildings in which Scientology cannot be delivered”

“These empty buildings will be sold by we in the RTC Surplus Org Obliteration Unit. 100% of the proceeds will be sent uplines to COB RTC.”

“COB RTC will then donate the proceeds to the IAS. The IAS will, per policy, ethically demand to keep in its exchange with COB. The IAS will pay COB the 75% commission it pays to IAS POWER FSM’s.”

“COB will also be given a very special and highly deluxe IAS POWER FSM trophy.”

RTC Issues Warning: Don’t Solo Audit While Driving!

Solo

“The gruesome photo says it all: New OT VII Rod Black of Los Angeles Model Ideal Org #129 was driving while solo auditing.”

Gloria Maddox, Senior C/S WUS

“He pulled it in, I mean, his being decapitated,” said Senior C/S WUS Gloria Maddox.

“But you can’t really blame Rod for losing his head because he was getting so many gigantic and monster blowout wins on OT VII with his new Planetary Dissemination Ultra Mark VIII e-meter.”

“Nevertheless, and moreover to prevent a contagion of such sudden and euphoric exteriorizations in the future, COB RTC David Miscavige today issued a new policy forbidding solo auditing while operating any motor vehicle, boat, submersible, or any horse-drawn conveyances such as stagecoaches or wagons.”

“With 105,000,000 people now on SOLO NOTs, the planetary conditions are changing for the better dramatically. We can’t afford to lose any SOLO auditors who are the backbone of planetary clearing.”