Tag Archives: Flag Land Base

Is Your Baby Secretly Plotting to Strangle You While You Sleep? Scientology Can Help You Find Out!

BabyAuditing

“Don’t be taken in by their being cute or cooing. Babies are actually trillion year old thetans in new bodies,” said Senior C/S Int Ken Delusion. “And some babies come here from other planets with evil purposes.”

“Your baby might have been sent here by the Psychs to secretly destroy you,” Delusion warned. “Don’t take chances! Get your baby arrived at Flag immediately for an Infant Sec Check. Priced at only $50,000, this sec check may save your life by helping you to discover if your baby is actually a Marcab out to strangle you when you sleep!”

“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige won’t go anywhere near these little BT-infested ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ type of evil thetans,” Delusion noted.

Scientology Flag Land Base Adjusts Its Expectations

“In view of the massive statcrash of the past decade, Flag Land Base has adjusted its expectation for SOLO NOTs,” said Captain FLB Stayta Kleer.

“500 on SOLO NOTs is attainable. We only need 372 more people to reach our goal. As an incentive, the tech estimate for six month refreshers has been lowered to $60,000; unless of course sec checking reveals hidden crimes or evil purposes. If such things are found — and they most likely will be given the ‘Ethics bait OT’s’ out there — then the tech estimate will soar to $1,000,000 or higher. We at Flag Land Base simply cannot guarantee anything until you are actually arrived.”

Scientology OTX Test Run Goes Terribly Wrong

“Due to a catastrophic malfunction of the OTX Eye Injector at Flag Land Base, the pilot run of OTX went terribly wrong,” said Flag Medical Director Dr. Ken Delusion.

“While we at Flag regret this malfunction and the inconvenience it has caused  our volunteer Mr. Victor Volpe-Suarez of the Tampa Org, we can all take comfort in the fact that there are plenty more Flag rejects at the Tampa Org we can experiment on until we get this darned thing right. OTX will be debugged and eventually released no matter how many Tampa publics it takes,” emphasized Dr. Delusion.

New Senior Management Team Appointed at Flag

Tech.Staff

The New Flag Management Team L – R: Nigel Fremont; Dr. Stanley H. D. Dumont; Chester Hillsborough; David Vickers

Captain David Miscavige has appointed a tough new and aggressive non-Scientology Senior Management team at Flag:

Nigel Fremont CO FLB: After spending decades in the CIA fomenting violent revolutions in the Middle East, Nigel is perfectly equipped to brutally crush any threatened mutiny, backflash, counter-intention, or natter at Flag. Nigel became LRH’s CIA handler after MC retired.

Dr. Stanley H. D. Dumont Snr C/S Int, a psychiatrist who lost his license for running a Siberia-style prison camp for MI6 where forced lobotomies and ECT were performed, Dr. Dumont brings his unique and ruthless “case cracking” talents to Flag. Scientologists will henceforth be cleared and gotten up and onto SOLO NOTs in record times or else!

Commander Chester Hillsborough RTC Rep Flag: Widely feared in the intelligence for his enhanced interrogation techniques. Should you be ordered to report to Commander Hillsborough for a “metered sec check” you will much be better off fleeing the country in terror and going into permanent hiding.

Lieutenant Commander David Vickers: An expert in international money laundering, credit card fraud, mortgage fraud, embezzlement, offshore banking, and structuring cash deposits, Captain Vickers will help you find a way to pay for your entire Bridge now. If you refuse to cooperate on financial arrangements you will be ordered to report to Commander Hillsborough for a metered sec check.

World’s First Scientology OT X Completion!

“Scientologist and IAS Patron Mega Chromium Excelsis Irma Jean Dinwiddie of Clearwater has become the world’s first OT X completion,” announced Snr C/S Int Davis Jackinoff.

“Following Irma Jean’s completion of OT X, we at Flag had her cryogenically frozen in RTC Freezer Unit 2 at Trementina Base. All OT X completions will be frozen in this same way. OT X’s will only be unfrozen and reanimated when the planet is stable enough to handle their power.”

“Captain David Miscavige has stated that this means there must be 10,000 people up and onto SOLO NOT’s before the OT X’s can be unleashed upon the world. If you are not on SOLO NOT’s you need to get onto the level as soon as possible to save the planet from thermonuclear Armageddon!” declared Snr C/S INT.

Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Orders Scientology Security Forces to Stand Down in Clearwater

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After an intense 48 hour manhunt and dragnet conducted by over 1,200 members of Scientology’s security forces, it has been determined that Tony Ortega was not in Clearwater. Nevertheless, the threat of his mere presence in Clearwater resulted in a DEFCON 5 red alert and the deployment of all available security forces. Following the stand down order, Scientologists may safely leave their panic rooms and return to their course rooms.

“Flag Land Base is safe once again thanks to valiant efforts Fleet Admiral David Miscavige to safeguard Scientology,” said Church spokesman Captain Ken Delusion, CO of the Parishioner Action Response Allied Network Operational International Agency (PARANOIA).

“PARANOIA is in constant action within Scientology,” emphasized Delusion. “It is a dangerous world out there and PARANOIA is, for the Scientologist, all that stands between danger and safety. For this reason, Scientologists must double and triple their IAS donations to keep Scientology’s PARANOIA fully funded. The OSA Staff at the Scientology PARANOIA control center tracks all SP’s 24/7/365 and is ready to launch a full scale response as happened over the weekend when a possible Ortega sighting was telephoned into the PARANOIA Crisis Center.”

The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience!

So many Scientologists wish they had served with the Founder aboard the Flagship Apollo. One of the most celebrated ecclesiastical ceremonies aboard the Apollo was to be overboarded, i.e. seized and thrown over the side of the ship in stark terror for your transgressions. Well now you can have this experience at Flag Land Base.

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The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience begins when you’re suddenly and unexpectedly approached by three burly Sea Org Ethics Officers. These ruthless toughs seize you bodily and mercilessly toss you overboard as they curse you in the most obscene and profane ways for being out ethics on all dynamics. It’s a 60 foot (20 meter) vertical drop into a large and very deep saltwater tank whose swirling and freezing waters will challenge you to breathe as you fight for your very life! $3250 donation. If you’re a weakling and actually need to be rescued there will be an additional $7500 donation assessed against your monies on account. Waivers must be signed holding FSO harmless from all injuries up to and including death.

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“This can’t be happening to me at the happiest place on Earth!” you’ll be thinking as you suddenly realize you’re actually drowning in real life while experiencing the terrifying onset of hypothermia in the freezing and turbulent waters. As the stinging and freezing saltwater sears your lungs and you fade in and out consciousness, you realize that without the Sea Org rescue team you will be dead in a few minutes. As your life hangs in the balance, the Sea Org rescue team informs you that you must up your IAS status and donate $40,000 to TWTH global salvage campaigns as a condition of being rescued. Otherwise, so what? Go pick up a new body.

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Should you succumb, please be assured that we in RTC and all other Scientologists in good standing will blame you for pulling it in. Your body will placed into a weighted burlap sack. Your remains will then be transported out into the Gulf of Mexico in the dark of night on a skiff by Cuban fisherman. There, you will dumped into the murky depths and any memory of you will be immediately and forever forgotten in the eternal and golden travertine halls of FLB.