The Christian songstress trio The Faith Tones will be appearing this weekend at Flag’s annual fundraiser for COB’s birthday present. Their appearance at Flag proves that we in Scientology are very Christian. We are also very Muslim.
The fact is that we in Scientology have a cloying willingness to ingratiate ourselves with all kinds of groups. We do this in order to trick the Wog World into believing that we’re just like everyone else. Sure, we in Scientology are just normal people. Except we have all the answers and know the secrets of the universe!
“Don’t be taken in by their being cute or cooing. Babies are actually trillion year old thetans in new bodies,” said Senior C/S Int Ken Delusion. “And some babies come here from other planets with evil purposes.”
“Your baby might have been sent here by the Psychs to secretly destroy you,” Delusion warned. “Don’t take chances! Get your baby arrived at Flag immediately for an Infant Sec Check. Priced at only $50,000, this sec check may save your life by helping you to discover if your baby is actually a Marcab out to strangle you when you sleep!”
“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige won’t go anywhere near these little BT-infested ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ type of evil thetans,” Delusion noted.
“In view of the massive statcrash of the past decade, Flag Land Base has adjusted its expectation for SOLO NOTs,” said Captain FLB Stayta Kleer.
“500 on SOLO NOTs is attainable. We only need 372 more people to reach our goal. As an incentive, the tech estimate for six month refreshers has been lowered to $60,000; unless of course sec checking reveals hidden crimes or evil purposes. If such things are found — and they most likely will be given the ‘Ethics bait OT’s’ out there — then the tech estimate will soar to $1,000,000 or higher. We at Flag Land Base simply cannot guarantee anything until you are actually arrived.”
“Due to a catastrophic malfunction of the OTX Eye Injector at Flag Land Base, the pilot run of OTX went terribly wrong,” said Flag Medical Director Dr. Ken Delusion.
“While we at Flag regret this malfunction and the inconvenience it has caused our volunteer Mr. Victor Volpe-Suarez of the Tampa Org, we can all take comfort in the fact that there are plenty more Flag rejects at the Tampa Org we can experiment on until we get this darned thing right. OTX will be debugged and eventually released no matter how many Tampa publics it takes,” emphasized Dr. Delusion.
The New Flag Management Team L – R: Nigel Fremont; Dr. Stanley H. D. Dumont; Chester Hillsborough; David Vickers
Captain David Miscavige has appointed a tough new and aggressive non-Scientology Senior Management team at Flag:
Nigel Fremont CO FLB: After spending decades in the CIA fomenting violent revolutions in the Middle East, Nigel is perfectly equipped to brutally crush any threatened mutiny, backflash, counter-intention, or natter at Flag. Nigel became LRH’s CIA handler after MC retired.
Dr. Stanley H. D. Dumont Snr C/S Int, a psychiatrist who lost his license for running a Siberia-style prison camp for MI6 where forced lobotomies and ECT were performed, Dr. Dumont brings his unique and ruthless “case cracking” talents to Flag. Scientologists will henceforth be cleared and gotten up and onto SOLO NOTs in record times or else!
Commander Chester Hillsborough RTC Rep Flag: Widely feared in the intelligence for his enhanced interrogation techniques. Should you be ordered to report to Commander Hillsborough for a “metered sec check” you will much be better off fleeing the country in terror and going into permanent hiding.
Lieutenant Commander David Vickers: An expert in international money laundering, credit card fraud, mortgage fraud, embezzlement, offshore banking, and structuring cash deposits, Captain Vickers will help you find a way to pay for your entire Bridge now. If you refuse to cooperate on financial arrangements you will be ordered to report to Commander Hillsborough for a metered sec check.
“Scientologist and IAS Patron Mega Chromium Excelsis Irma Jean Dinwiddie of Clearwater has become the world’s first OT X completion,” announced Snr C/S Int Davis Jackinoff.
“Following Irma Jean’s completion of OT X, we at Flag had her cryogenically frozen in RTC Freezer Unit 2 at Trementina Base. All OT X completions will be frozen in this same way. OT X’s will only be unfrozen and reanimated when the planet is stable enough to handle their power.”
“Captain David Miscavige has stated that this means there must be 10,000 people up and onto SOLO NOT’s before the OT X’s can be unleashed upon the world. If you are not on SOLO NOT’s you need to get onto the level as soon as possible to save the planet from thermonuclear Armageddon!” declared Snr C/S INT.
After an intense 48 hour manhunt and dragnet conducted by over 1,200 members of Scientology’s security forces, it has been determined that Tony Ortega was not in Clearwater. Nevertheless, the threat of his mere presence in Clearwater resulted in a DEFCON 5 red alert and the deployment of all available security forces. Following the stand down order, Scientologists may safely leave their panic rooms and return to their course rooms.
“Flag Land Base is safe once again thanks to valiant efforts Fleet Admiral David Miscavige to safeguard Scientology,” said Church spokesman Captain Ken Delusion, CO of the Parishioner Action Response Allied Network Operational International Agency (PARANOIA).
“PARANOIA is in constant action within Scientology,” emphasized Delusion. “It is a dangerous world out there and PARANOIA is, for the Scientologist, all that stands between danger and safety. For this reason, Scientologists must double and triple their IAS donations to keep Scientology’s PARANOIA fully funded. The OSA Staff at the Scientology PARANOIA control center tracks all SP’s 24/7/365 and is ready to launch a full scale response as happened over the weekend when a possible Ortega sighting was telephoned into the PARANOIA Crisis Center.”
Posted in OTVIIIisGrrr8!
Tagged Alex Gibney, church of scientology, Claire Headley, Crisis Center, David Miscavige, DEFCON, DEFCON ALERT, donate, donations, Flag Land Base, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige, IAS, International Association of Scientologists, Ken Delusion, Leah Remini, Marc Headley, Mike Rinder, Office of Special Affairs, OSA, Paranoia, parishioners, Scientology Paranoia, Tony Ortega