“We in the Church of Scientology can at last offer a coherent and wholly scientific explanation for the bizarre and violent behavior of our leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige. The explanation is Ambien. We regret any inconvenience Mr. Miscavige has caused due to this medication. All he ever wanted was a good night’s sleep and yet his wog doctor prescribed a horrific medication that caused Mr. Miscavige to manifest the most strange and vile of behaviors,” explained Church spokesman Mr. Ken Delusion.
“For example, Mr. Miscavige’s uncontrollable addiction to purchasing empty buildings at lavish prices and calling them ‘Ideal Orgs’ is directly the result of Ambien. Seriously, no one in their right mind would purchase buildings in industrial parks or dilapidated and rotting old buildings and call them Scientology churches.
“Under the influence of Ambien, Mr. Miscavige would wake from his slumber, strip naked, and then write nonsensical and incredibly expensive purchase orders for unnecessary Orgs and the renovations to these white elephants. In the morning COB would remember none of what he had done.
“However, being good Scientologists who live only to forward command intention, we never dared question COB. This is why we have an empty $220 million dollar Scientology Org located somewhere in Antarctica that has become buried under ten meters of permafrost.
“Mr. Miscavige has switched to an all natural sleep aid and everything is now fine.”