Tag Archives: Ideal Orgs

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology:


Church of Scientology to Install Toilet Paper Dispensers in Ideal Orgs


In response to a recent survey of Scientology parishioners, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Ideal Orgs to install for-pay toilet paper dispensers. This will allow Scientologists to purchase either coarse of fine grade sheets of toilet paper.

“For the Church of Scientology to just give toilet paper away for free would be completely out exchange,” explained Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Bowel Movementology.  “And so COB decided to offer coarse and fine grades of toilet paper. The fine grade toilet paper is “highly deluxe movie star grade toilet paper” and obviously costs a small fortune. This is the stuff Tom Cruise uses.”

“The coarse grade stuff is an economy tissue we purchase from Bulgravia. Made from recycled asphalt dyed white, it is rough but much cheaper. It is perfect for downstat Scientologists who lack the wherewithal and reach to afford the fine toilet paper.”

Caved In Weakling Scientologists Engaging in Deindexing Stories from Google


It has been brought to our attention in RTC that Scientology OT’s are having articles about their involvement in Scientology deindexed (removed) from Google. This is a very BAD INDICATOR that means two things:

1. These theetie-wheetie dilettante Scientologists have no confront and are ashamed of being publicly identified as Scientologists. This is why they use attorneys to demand that Google deindex articles in which they are identified as Scientologists. COB has confront. He never has Black PR or entheta articles about him deindexed from Google. So why do these publics? Why are their necks so precious?

2. Scientologists who have had Google deindex articles are at -8.0 on the Tone Scale as they have gone into hiding. Their downward spiral continued to -10.0 where they have become objects, specifically they have become their IAS trophies. Predictively, they will next become -20.0 which is nothing.

We in RTC think less of the Bob Duggan’s of the world who get caved in by articles about them being Scientologists and thus engage in deindexing rather than standing up and confronting the Isness of, say, having shipped one’s kids off to Scientology Africa in exchange for a large donation to the Ideal Org in Jo’burg.

We in RTC order problem Sea Org members shipped all over the world into miserable hellholes, Class 5 Orgs, body routing, and even into the RPF. This movement of problem people is  neither an overt nor a sordid subject. This is what we want Scientologists Simone Hafenmeyer, Dennis Romeiser, and Simone Lorenzen of Germany to know.



The September IAS Fundraiser Begins Now!


The September IAS fundraiser begins now! Vast and staggering sums of money are needed to fund these vital programs:

1. The Youth for Human Rights International RPF program. The dilettantes in YHRI and not slamming in Scientology ethics on the planet and are therefore guilty of HIGH CRIMES! They must be RPF’d as criminals do not deserve human rights.

2. The Way to Happiness security checking program. COB suspects that 99% of readers of TWTH are not following its precepts and therefore need hundreds of hours of grueling and face-ripping sec checks to find their overts and withholds.

3. The Super Power Introspection Rundown. Actual research has shown that Super Power completions are going Type III at alarming rates and need to be locked up in the Flag loony bin.

4. The GAT II End of Endless Repairs Rundown. GAT II has more problems than Anthony Weiner’s sexting. Seriously, there are 2,412 GAT II completions and yet they have needed 157,488 repair actions. OSA has found that SP transcriptionists altered GAT II in 2009. All of GAT II now needs to be scrapped and a new GAT II issued at the cost of hundreds of millions of dollars. And then the new GAT II needs to be translated into 15,901 languages including Klingon.

5. The Ideal Org Door Knob Problem. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has discovered that every single doorknob in every Ideal Org was installed incorrectly so that they lock when turned. This is the why for the Ideal Orgs being empty: The door knobs lock themselves and so no one can enter the buildings. All door knobs must be immediately replaced with new door knobs that are installed correctly. By doing this, the Ideal Orgs will boom.

Donate now. Donate until it hurts. The very fate of the planet is at stake! COB is watching your every move and knows your every thought! There can be NO EXCUSES for not donating when the threats to Scientology are so very serious!



David Miscavige Brand Ideal Orgs


Scientology Ideal Org Shelf Life = Three Weeks


Dr. Frank Wonderman, Executive Director, Ideal Orgs Metrics Organization (IOMO)

“The research is in — and it is profoundly grim and enturbulating even to we who are veteran OT’s,” said  Dr. Frank Wonderman, ED of the Ideal Orgs Metrics Organization (IOMO).

“It seems the shelf life of a new Scientology Ideal Org is only three weeks.”

“This has been proven scientifically at every Ideal Org.  Let us take our Basel Ideal Org as an example. In the three weeks surrounding its grand opening by COB, the attendance at Basel hit an all time high of 194 people.”

“After the hoopla, balloons, and confetti surrounding COB’s appearance, however, the stats crashed back down to pre-grand opening levels of about twelve people in the Basel Org at any given time — and most of these were dilettantish staff members who ‘moonlight’ by holding a wog job at night in order to eat; where is their commitment?”

“The photos tell the horrifying story of the Basel stat crash. Here is the grand opening of Basel with COB present:


“When COB opened the Basel Ideal Org there were 194 real people in attendance. This total included 61 actual Scientologists gathered from Europe and Russia; 100 paid actors; and 33 locals who showed up for the free ham sandwiches and beer.  Golden Era, of course, took the liberty of photoshopping in the thousands of virtual OT’s who were telepathically there.”

But then what happened? COB left town. One year later Basel is as empty, derelict, and hopeless as a sunken ship at the bottom of the Marianas Trench:


“The scientific graph we in IOMO have plotted does not lie:


“The why for Ideal Orgs having a shelf life of only three weeks is COB RTC David Miscavige.”

“In other words, COB is the mystical life essence of the Church of Scientology. When COB is not present in his physical body there can be no Church of Scientology.”

“The answer is to sell off en masse the entire inventory of staledated Ideal Orgs and consolidate into a single ONE WORLD ORG where all Scientologists will be gathered together with COB. This will allow us to assemble each evening for countless hours to hear COB’s pontifical orations from his golden throne.”

“The IAS has just purchased the old White Front store in Downey, California to serve as COB’s new ONE WORLD ORG.”


“Renovations to COB-approved ONE WORLD ORG standards should cost not more than five hundred million American dollars. The fundraise begins now!”

COB Finds the “Why” for Failing Orgs


RTC Surplus Org Obliteration Unit

“After recently discovering yet more lost tech in the cavernous file cabinets of the Founder that, if laid end to end, would stretch from here to Venus, COB has finally found the correct why for the failing Orgs,” declared Colonel General Heinz Janke, Commanding Officer of the new RTC Surplus Org Obliteration Unit (RTC SOOU).

“This new lost tech informs us that 9 is the number of Earth. Therefore, it logically follows that Scientology only needs 9 Orgs to handle this very small planet.”

“We would of course need more Orgs on a larger planet such as Jupiter.”

“The why for failing Orgs is that there was a misunderstood which led CSI ED INT to falsely conclude the Church of Scientology needed hundreds of expensive Ideal Orgs.”

“ED INT is 100% to blame for assigning vastly false significances to expansion when the Church only ever needed 9 Orgs. As it now stands, Scientology has enough Orgs to handle the super giant star Betelgeuse.”

“ED INT fed COB and the IAS false data for almost fifteen years now and led the Church on a wild goose chase to purchase, renovate, and open useless and empty Orgs”

“ED INT has been Comm Ev’d and shipped off to RPF Gulag #117 in Siberia where he has been sentenced to 90 years of hard labor.”

“The real failure of ED INT’s crashing Mis-U is that — for too many years now — COB has tolerated failing Orgs in the sincere hope that the Basics and GAT II would revivify them and thus bring them back from the dead.”

“What this newly-found lost tech tells us, however, is that Scientology has a very large surplus of Orgs because the Church did not have the correct-planet-size-to-org-ratio tech.

“COB has now surveyed the matter and concluded that there are 962 surplus Orgs. These Orgs are scheduled for obliteration,” Janke stated.

“What does COB mean by this word obliteration?”

“What COB means is that these failing Orgs are to have their licenses revoked by CSI and RTC so they cannot deliver 100% standard Scientology. When this happens there  are no more surplus Orgs; there are only empty buildings in which Scientology cannot be delivered”

“These empty buildings will be sold by we in the RTC Surplus Org Obliteration Unit. 100% of the proceeds will be sent uplines to COB RTC.”

“COB RTC will then donate the proceeds to the IAS. The IAS will, per policy, ethically demand to keep in its exchange with COB. The IAS will pay COB the 75% commission it pays to IAS POWER FSM’s.”

“COB will also be given a very special and highly deluxe IAS POWER FSM trophy.”