Tag Archives: Ideal Orgs

Scientology to Turn Its Glut of Empty Ideal Orgs into Airbnb’s

“With a glut of empty Ideal Orgs splattered across the continents of Earth, we in Scientology are hemorrhaging cash paying for the upkeep on all of this square footage. Accordingly, Scientology will be turning its Ideal Orgs into Airbnb’s,” announced Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Rent one room, one floor, or the entire Org for a day, a week, or a month. These Ideal Orgs have all been lavishly renovated. However, please be advised that you must bring your own toilet paper as we in Scientology do not provide anyone with free toilet paper ever. That is one of Scientology’s most sacred sacraments.”

Ambien Explains the Behavior of David Miscavige

“We in the Church of Scientology can at last offer a coherent and wholly scientific explanation for the bizarre and violent behavior of our leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige. The explanation is Ambien. We regret any inconvenience Mr. Miscavige has caused due to this medication. All he ever wanted was a good night’s sleep and yet his wog doctor prescribed a horrific medication that caused Mr. Miscavige to manifest the most strange and vile of behaviors,” explained Church spokesman Mr. Ken Delusion.

“For example, Mr. Miscavige’s uncontrollable addiction to purchasing empty buildings at lavish prices and calling them ‘Ideal Orgs’ is directly the result of Ambien. Seriously, no one in their right mind would purchase buildings in industrial parks or dilapidated and rotting old buildings  and call them Scientology churches.

“Under the influence of Ambien, Mr. Miscavige would wake from his slumber, strip naked, and then write nonsensical and incredibly expensive purchase orders for unnecessary Orgs and the renovations to these white elephants. In the morning COB would remember none of what he had done.

“However, being good Scientologists who live only to forward command intention, we never dared question COB. This is why we have an empty $220 million dollar Scientology Org located somewhere in Antarctica that has become buried under ten meters of permafrost.

“Mr. Miscavige has switched to an all natural sleep aid and everything is now fine.”

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology:

 

Church of Scientology to Install Toilet Paper Dispensers in Ideal Orgs

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In response to a recent survey of Scientology parishioners, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Ideal Orgs to install for-pay toilet paper dispensers. This will allow Scientologists to purchase either coarse of fine grade sheets of toilet paper.

“For the Church of Scientology to just give toilet paper away for free would be completely out exchange,” explained Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Bowel Movementology.  “And so COB decided to offer coarse and fine grades of toilet paper. The fine grade toilet paper is “highly deluxe movie star grade toilet paper” and obviously costs a small fortune. This is the stuff Tom Cruise uses.”

“The coarse grade stuff is an economy tissue we purchase from Bulgravia. Made from recycled asphalt dyed white, it is rough but much cheaper. It is perfect for downstat Scientologists who lack the wherewithal and reach to afford the fine toilet paper.”

Caved In Weakling Scientologists Engaging in Deindexing Stories from Google

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It has been brought to our attention in RTC that Scientology OT’s are having articles about their involvement in Scientology deindexed (removed) from Google. This is a very BAD INDICATOR that means two things:

1. These theetie-wheetie dilettante Scientologists have no confront and are ashamed of being publicly identified as Scientologists. This is why they use attorneys to demand that Google deindex articles in which they are identified as Scientologists. COB has confront. He never has Black PR or entheta articles about him deindexed from Google. So why do these publics? Why are their necks so precious?

2. Scientologists who have had Google deindex articles are at -8.0 on the Tone Scale as they have gone into hiding. Their downward spiral continued to -10.0 where they have become objects, specifically they have become their IAS trophies. Predictively, they will next become -20.0 which is nothing.

We in RTC think less of the Bob Duggan’s of the world who get caved in by articles about them being Scientologists and thus engage in deindexing rather than standing up and confronting the Isness of, say, having shipped one’s kids off to Scientology Africa in exchange for a large donation to the Ideal Org in Jo’burg.

We in RTC order problem Sea Org members shipped all over the world into miserable hellholes, Class 5 Orgs, body routing, and even into the RPF. This movement of problem people is  neither an overt nor a sordid subject. This is what we want Scientologists Simone Hafenmeyer, Dennis Romeiser, and Simone Lorenzen of Germany to know.

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The September IAS Fundraiser Begins Now!

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The September IAS fundraiser begins now! Vast and staggering sums of money are needed to fund these vital programs:

1. The Youth for Human Rights International RPF program. The dilettantes in YHRI and not slamming in Scientology ethics on the planet and are therefore guilty of HIGH CRIMES! They must be RPF’d as criminals do not deserve human rights.

2. The Way to Happiness security checking program. COB suspects that 99% of readers of TWTH are not following its precepts and therefore need hundreds of hours of grueling and face-ripping sec checks to find their overts and withholds.

3. The Super Power Introspection Rundown. Actual research has shown that Super Power completions are going Type III at alarming rates and need to be locked up in the Flag loony bin.

4. The GAT II End of Endless Repairs Rundown. GAT II has more problems than Anthony Weiner’s sexting. Seriously, there are 2,412 GAT II completions and yet they have needed 157,488 repair actions. OSA has found that SP transcriptionists altered GAT II in 2009. All of GAT II now needs to be scrapped and a new GAT II issued at the cost of hundreds of millions of dollars. And then the new GAT II needs to be translated into 15,901 languages including Klingon.

5. The Ideal Org Door Knob Problem. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has discovered that every single doorknob in every Ideal Org was installed incorrectly so that they lock when turned. This is the why for the Ideal Orgs being empty: The door knobs lock themselves and so no one can enter the buildings. All door knobs must be immediately replaced with new door knobs that are installed correctly. By doing this, the Ideal Orgs will boom.

Donate now. Donate until it hurts. The very fate of the planet is at stake! COB is watching your every move and knows your every thought! There can be NO EXCUSES for not donating when the threats to Scientology are so very serious!

COB.NOISE

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David Miscavige Brand Ideal Orgs

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