Tiger Woods announced today that he has become a Scientologist after humanitarian Tom Cruise helped him at the scene of his recent accident.

“Tom Cruise is the only one who can help at the scene of an accident!” Tiger emphasized.

“It was amazing!” Tiger said. “I was staggering down the road in a haze when Tom Cruise suddenly materialized from out of nowhere to help me!”

“After giving me a touch assist and a locational to get me into present time by repeatedly touching walls, trees, bushes, and screaming at ashtrays, Tom immediately flew me in his private jet to Scientology’s exclusive Narconon Ojai!”

“Tom Cruise is a Super OT!”

When asked about details of Narconon, Scientology spokesperson Ken Delusion explained, “Tiger will spend 12 hours a day in the sauna, ingest 50,000 grams of niacin each day, and immerse himself in the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard on his way to a new sober life in Scientology as a Scientologist!”

“We in Scientology will have Tiger Woods sober in no time!” declared COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige who is a paragon of sobriety and a world expert on sobriety and anger management.

“Mr. Miscavige has saved tens of billions of people worldwide by distributing copies of The Way to Happiness across all fifteen continents of Earth,” Ken Delusion noted.