Tag Archives: Super Power

Church of Scientology Reaches Out to Incels

Incels — involuntarily celibates — are a subclass of male losers who lurk on the dark web. Women avoid incels for many reasons, but mostly because incels are racist, angry, dull, unattractive, women-hating misogynists who have no desirable qualities. Derided as permavirgins, incels are doomed to a 2Dless existence.

However, the good news for Incels is that Scientology can do something about it!

Scientology can even help George Ingram Insailes, the King of Incels.

NORMIES & CHADS

As opposed to Incels, there are Normies and Chads. According to Incel culture, Normies are able to date women and have relationships whereas Chads are super studs. Thanks to Scientology, Tom Cruise is a Chad! In fact, Tom Cruise is Chad Thundercock, the King of Chads!

Tom Cruise is Scientology’s Chad Thundercock!

Scientology’s secret OT voodoo can turn even the most pathetic Incel into a Chad Thundercock!

The answer is to do Scientology’s Super Power Rundown at Flag Land Base in Clearwater, Florida.

Become a Chad Thundercock today! Do Super Power! You have nothing to lose but your virginity and $250,000!

Chad.Not

Incel and permavirgin Doug Dweebner of Cedar Rapids, Iowa went from Incel to a Chad Thundercock after doing Scientology Super Power!!! You can too!!!

The September IAS Fundraiser Begins Now!

IAS.1

The September IAS fundraiser begins now! Vast and staggering sums of money are needed to fund these vital programs:

1. The Youth for Human Rights International RPF program. The dilettantes in YHRI and not slamming in Scientology ethics on the planet and are therefore guilty of HIGH CRIMES! They must be RPF’d as criminals do not deserve human rights.

2. The Way to Happiness security checking program. COB suspects that 99% of readers of TWTH are not following its precepts and therefore need hundreds of hours of grueling and face-ripping sec checks to find their overts and withholds.

3. The Super Power Introspection Rundown. Actual research has shown that Super Power completions are going Type III at alarming rates and need to be locked up in the Flag loony bin.

4. The GAT II End of Endless Repairs Rundown. GAT II has more problems than Anthony Weiner’s sexting. Seriously, there are 2,412 GAT II completions and yet they have needed 157,488 repair actions. OSA has found that SP transcriptionists altered GAT II in 2009. All of GAT II now needs to be scrapped and a new GAT II issued at the cost of hundreds of millions of dollars. And then the new GAT II needs to be translated into 15,901 languages including Klingon.

5. The Ideal Org Door Knob Problem. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has discovered that every single doorknob in every Ideal Org was installed incorrectly so that they lock when turned. This is the why for the Ideal Orgs being empty: The door knobs lock themselves and so no one can enter the buildings. All door knobs must be immediately replaced with new door knobs that are installed correctly. By doing this, the Ideal Orgs will boom.

Donate now. Donate until it hurts. The very fate of the planet is at stake! COB is watching your every move and knows your every thought! There can be NO EXCUSES for not donating when the threats to Scientology are so very serious!

COB.NOISE

Super Power Completion #3000

crazy-looking-crazy-man

OT VIII Zeke Manson of Vancouver, Washington is Super Power completion #3000.

Sez Zeke Staley, “WOW WOW WOW! This Super Power is the supercharged shit! I was POW! having cogs every 2.8 seconds!!!

“I lost my bowels and bladder when perceptic 47 opened. It was like @WOW! I was needing me a new Purif jumpsuit asap cause it was one hot savage mess in that course room!!!!!! Preclears with no confront on my MEST were blowing left and right!

“But I didn’t ridge cuz it was just SHAMWOW! I cognited that I needed to do OT III again and again and again until I was flat on the 76 planets because what’s true for me dude is that there were only 47 planets involved! Can’t you see it man? 47!

“47, 47, 47, and I’m loving me some hot little COB in the Super Power men’s showers, my own Pope on a rope!!!

“I was blowing huge chunks of charge here on Super Power!!!

“All you need to do is arrive at Flag and the rest is @WOOOO HOOOO! the fully hatted and grooved in Flag staff takes care of the rest! And if you’re sec-checked don’t ridge if they ask if you’ve ever stuck a rat up yer ass! It’s just the Senior C/S fuckin’ witcha with the murder routine. Whadda douchebag that guy is!!!”

Vatican Selects Starbucks as the Official Coffee Kiosk of St. Peters

Global.Leader

In global ecclesiastical  news today, Vatican spokesman Bishop. M. Plant  announced that Starbucks has been selected at the official coffee kiosk of St. Peters.

“The new Starbucks is now open in the main basilica,”  declared Pontifical Officiate for Coffee and Snack Services Bishop. M. Plant. “However, Starbucks may not, under new Vatican rules, serve the Body of Christ to religious pilgrims unless the barista is also an ordained priest of the Holy Caffeine Order.”

*****

“While we in the Church of Scientology applaud the Vatican’s move into modernity,” sniffed Scientology official Captain Ken Delusion, “we hasten to note that our new 21st century cathedral had both a coffee kiosk and a flat panel already installed when Pope Miscavige presided over its grand opening last year; which event, moreover, attracted 25,000,000 Scientology pilgrims to our Mecca of Technical Perfection in Clearwater.”

25,000,000 Scientologists clamoring for Scientology at the grand opening of Scientology’s new 21st century cathedral. The world’s first e-meter equipped cathedral, this magnificent edifice features dozens of subterranean dungeons and interrogation chambers — a design motif inspired by the Catholic Church and demanded by both our Founder and his Successor.

Fracking Responsible for the Church of Scientology’s Problems

Fracking

“A newly released study authoritatively concludes that the Church of Scientology’s seemingly endless problems are caused by fracking,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Funded by the Citizen’s Commission on Human Rights, this new study proves the link between fracking and the abysmal failure of COB’s fully ideal and wholly embracive planetary-changing technologies of GAT II and Super Power.”

“Fianced by the Psychs, fracking was deliberately designed to destabilize Scientology organizations and social betterment programs. Conclusive proof of  Psychiatric involvement was obtained when OSA operatives lowered cameras down fracking wells and obtained video of a Psych ritual featuring psychedelic music designed to arouse the senses and restimulate engrams on the wholetrack,” Delusion stated.

“This type of Psych music is very dangerous, hypnotic, and ssssexual. We in the Church of Scientology very strictly forbid our parishioners from listening to it,” Delusion sternly concluded.

Super Power: Did You Feel That?

“This Super Power testimonial is in no way Cultic,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “People speak and act like this all the time after doing Super Power.”

The Internet is a Dangerous Space Alien Attack Upon the Church of Scientology

UFO

“If you are reading these words on the internet then marauding space aliens have already trapped you in their diabolical and vast galactic electronic implant,” declared Church of Scientology internet researcher Dr. Frank Wonderman.

“I refer of course to the internet.”

UFO festival in Roswell, New Mexico“The internet is a gigantic alien trap and it is sucking virtually the entire human race into it’s insatiable vortex of pornography, drugs, witchcraft, gayness, terrorism, and 419 frauds,” Wonderman declared.

“But what makes the internet especially savage and vicious are all of the alien lies on it about the Church of Scientology and its leader David Miscavige.”

scientology2“These lies exist because the aliens don’t want humans to go to their nearest Ideal Org where they can, among other things, get FES’d on any previous squirrel auditing that was not GAT II, which is to say any auditing done in the Church of Scientol0gy prior to December 1, 2013.”

“Moreover,” Wonderman announced to the largely empty auditorium in a nondescript town somewhere in the Midwest, “the aliens have a big button on self-importance and so… and so they don’t want humans going to Flag Land Base where SUPER POWER awaits.”

The unemployed Scientologists who had come into the auditorium seeking relief from the unbelievably freezing weather outside nodded in silent mental assent, this while the ushers passed out packets containing free government cheese and Sea Org contracts.

Wonderman, an OTVIII and the Executive Director of the OSA Internet Investigations Unit Midwest (ED OSAIIUM), let his words sink in with the audience.

No.InternetAfter an uncomfortable amount of time had passed, Wonderman declared, “And so that is why we in the Church of Scientology don’t read the internet. The internet, you see, is a very dangerous space alien implanting tool.”

“The internet is in fact so dangerous that Scientologists Ken and Carla Moxon fight the aliens responsible for the internet each evening from their backyard and so should you, weather permitting. For this reason, I have invited Carla back here today to this stage to speak to you once again on the vital topic of combating the menace of marauding space aliens.”