“Defendant Miscavige is not available for deposition,” explained Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “It seems COB needs a walker these days after he broke his back heroically piloting OTIX and OTX. The fifteen billion light year kiloton seconds of energy released in these levels is so incredibly powerful it would have killed lesser OT’s and perhaps even caused a chain reaction that would’ve destroyed the Earth itself.”

“Tragically, and to the detriment of every man, woman, and child on this entire agonized prison planet, the release of OTIX and OTX has been delayed — once again — until these ultra-nuclear-powerful levels are stabilized and made safe for Scientologists.”

“A similar thing happened when Scientology Founder L. Ron Hubbard was almost killed during his perilous journey through the First Wall of Fire to obtain the materials found on OT III:

“In December 1967 I knew someone had to take the plunge. I did and emerged very knocked out, but alive. Probably the only one ever to do so in 75,000,000 years. I have all the data now, but only that given here is needful.'”