Tag Archives: Xenu

Archeo-Scientologists Discover an Intact 75-Million Year Old Spaceplane!

Just as the discovery of 50,000 year old fossilized e-meter shocked the world and proved the antiquity of Scientology, the latest discovery by Dr. Ken Delusion’s team of Archeo-Scientologists is guaranteed to stun the world!

After using hundreds of bulldozers and over a million tons of dynamite to clear cut over one million acres of pristine Andean rain forest, Dr. Delusion and his team today discovered an intact DC-8 spaceplane that crash-landed 75,000,000 years ago near one of the principal volcanoes of Earth.

“This is huge. Just huge,” exclaimed Dr. Delusion. “The haters mock Scientology over claims that (redacted) kidnapped trillions of people on other planets 75,000,000 years ago and dumped them into the volcanoes of Earth — which was then called Teegeeack — but our discovery of the DC-8 spaceplane proves Incident II of OT III actually happened!”

“Archeo-Scientology has far exceeded anything the Mormons have produced in their dubious archeological attempts to prove that Jesus was in North America preaching to New World Jews.”

“Yeah, right,” sniffed Dr. Delusion. “A blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white-skinned Jesus flew over from Jerusalem on El Al and preached to Jewish Incas. The guy would’ve needed a lot of sunscreen along the equator. Whatever. I don’t care so long as the Mormons let we in Scientology keep our money in their Zions Bank to conceal, err, protect it.” In related news, the Nation of Islam has applauded the work and opinions of Dr. Delusion and his team of highly trained Archeo-Scientologists.

Xenu’s Criminal Associate Arrested


“Spacelord Xenu’s long-time criminal associate Darth Vader was arrested and taken into custody at the Scientology World Fair in Hemet,” announced International Justice Chief Mr. Ken Delusion.

“Vader was spotted in the Operating Thetan Pavilion trying to steal upper level materials as these fetch astronomically high prices on both the Marcabian Black Market and in Hong Kong,” Delusion reported.

“Alert RTC security forces overpowered and apprehended Vader — a criminal fugitive who has been on Scientology’s Top Ten Most Wanted Listed since 1983. Vader will be imprisoned in an electronic mountain prison without bail while he awaits trial on millions of felony charges of Implanting Humans by use of Reverse Dianetics.

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Scientology DC-8 spaceplanes proven to exist! Checkmate haters!

Scientology TV Airs a 75,000,000 Year Old Photograph!


Scientology TV: Here we have a 75,000,000 year old photo showing the bomb bay of one of Xenu’s DC-8 spaceplanes. The gold boxes contain frozen humanoids ready for aerodynamic insertion into the principal volcanoes of Teegeeack.

In recent years, Xenu upgraded his spaceplane fleet from DC-8’s to 747’s. These new spaceplanes are more fuel efficient; they also carry far more thetans who are frozen in a 60/40 mixture of glycol and alcohol.

Contrary to popular rumor, David Miscavige is not Xenu.

Hey young people! Here’s a groovy free CD offer from your friends at the Church of Scientology!

Hey young people! Here’s a groovy free CD offer from your friends at Scientology. We’re the coolest religion on Earth! Just fill out the card and mail it in or drop by your nearest Org. If you come to an Org don’t tell your parents or anyone else where you’re going because they’re SP’s and wouldn’t understand. Only we understand. We’re your friends and you can even meet Tom Cruise. Far out!

RJ.67

Church of Scientology: We Oppose Fake News!

THETAN“As the most ethical group on the planet, we in the Church of Scientology oppose fake news,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Unlike the truths we speak in Scientology, fake news is damaging, misleading, and acts to harm thetans by implanting them with false data — and we in Scientology would never implant anyone with false data, lies, or fake news.”

“Furthermore, we in Scientology are deeply harmed by the literally tens of thousands of fake news stories out there on the internet, on television, and even in the theaters that portray the Church of Scientology as a greedy, thieving, scumbag criminal organization.”

Hustler.Dave“These fake news stories peddled by the Psychs also slanderously portray Scientology’s global ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige as a ravening, violent, and ill-tempered hoodlum who is propelled along in life by his own narcissism, insatiable greed, and caprice.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth! Mr. Miscavige is a humanitarian greater than even Gandhi!”

“These fake news stories further seek to impugn Scientology’s Founder who was a nuclear physicist, a Civil Engineer, and a heavily decorated WWII combat hero.”

“All of this fake news is outrageous and must stop or we in Scientology will sue everyone in the world!”

47 New Scientology Implanting Stations Now Open

47 new Scientology Implanting Stations now open. Come in for a free implant and experience our seriously disturbing behavioral modification.