Tag Archives: Xenu

Xenu’s Criminal Associate Arrested


“Spacelord Xenu’s long-time criminal associate Darth Vader was arrested and taken into custody at the Scientology World Fair in Hemet,” announced International Justice Chief Mr. Ken Delusion.

“Vader was spotted in the Operating Thetan Pavilion trying to steal upper level materials as these fetch astronomically high prices on both the Marcabian Black Market and in Hong Kong,” Delusion reported.

“Alert RTC security forces overpowered and apprehended Vader — a criminal fugitive who has been on Scientology’s Top Ten Most Wanted Listed since 1983. Vader will be imprisoned in an electronic mountain prison without bail while he awaits trial on millions of felony charges of Implanting Humans by use of Reverse Dianetics.

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Scientology DC-8 spaceplanes proven to exist! Checkmate haters!

Scientology TV Airs a 75,000,000 Year Old Photograph!


Scientology TV: Here we have a 75,000,000 year old photo showing the bomb bay of one of Xenu’s DC-8 spaceplanes. The gold boxes contain frozen humanoids ready for aerodynamic insertion into the principal volcanoes of Teegeeack.

In recent years, Xenu upgraded his spaceplane fleet from DC-8’s to 747’s. These new spaceplanes are more fuel efficient; they also carry far more thetans who are frozen in a 60/40 mixture of glycol and alcohol.

Contrary to popular rumor, David Miscavige is not Xenu.

Hey young people! Here’s a groovy free CD offer from your friends at the Church of Scientology!

Hey young people! Here’s a groovy free CD offer from your friends at Scientology. We’re the coolest religion on Earth! Just fill out the card and mail it in or drop by your nearest Org. If you come to an Org don’t tell your parents or anyone else where you’re going because they’re SP’s and wouldn’t understand. Only we understand. We’re your friends and you can even meet Tom Cruise. Far out!

RJ.67

Church of Scientology: We Oppose Fake News!

THETAN“As the most ethical group on the planet, we in the Church of Scientology oppose fake news,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Unlike the truths we speak in Scientology, fake news is damaging, misleading, and acts to harm thetans by implanting them with false data — and we in Scientology would never implant anyone with false data, lies, or fake news.”

“Furthermore, we in Scientology are deeply harmed by the literally tens of thousands of fake news stories out there on the internet, on television, and even in the theaters that portray the Church of Scientology as a greedy, thieving, scumbag criminal organization.”

Hustler.Dave“These fake news stories peddled by the Psychs also slanderously portray Scientology’s global ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige as a ravening, violent, and ill-tempered hoodlum who is propelled along in life by his own narcissism, insatiable greed, and caprice.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth! Mr. Miscavige is a humanitarian greater than even Gandhi!”

“These fake news stories further seek to impugn Scientology’s Founder who was a nuclear physicist, a Civil Engineer, and a heavily decorated WWII combat hero.”

“All of this fake news is outrageous and must stop or we in Scientology will sue everyone in the world!”

47 New Scientology Implanting Stations Now Open

47 new Scientology Implanting Stations now open. Come in for a free implant and experience our seriously disturbing behavioral modification.

XenuVision

XenuVision

XenuVision is the wave of the future!” exulted aging Chairman of the Bored Dr. David Miscavige.

“Unlike wog television, XenuVision is fully ideal in every way! Our uncorrupted communication line to the billions, XenuVision allows us to ignore the catcalls and japeries of those benighted SP’s who cannot understand the central problem of the human race.”

“So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late,” said Dr. Miscavige, “Every man, woman, and child on this planet has attached to their bodies the souls of millions of dead space aliens murdered by Xenu.”

“This terrible affliction is curable by each person on this planet giving we in the Church of Scientology millions of dollars in exchange for our copyrighted system of high-volume mass exorcism which, while it can take decades, and admittedly, many people die premature deaths from cancer up there on Solo NOT’s, is the only way out of this 75,000,000 year old trap created by Xenu and his Psych henchmen from the planet Farsec.”