Tag Archives: Xenu

Hey young people! Here’s a groovy free CD offer from your friends at the Church of Scientology!

Hey young people! Here’s a groovy free CD offer from your friends at Scientology. We’re the coolest religion on Earth! Just fill out the card and mail it in or drop by your nearest Org. If you come to an Org don’t tell your parents or anyone else where you’re going because they’re SP’s and wouldn’t understand. Only we understand. We’re your friends and you can even meet Tom Cruise. Far out!

RJ.67

Church of Scientology: We Oppose Fake News!

THETAN“As the most ethical group on the planet, we in the Church of Scientology oppose fake news,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Unlike the truths we speak in Scientology, fake news is damaging, misleading, and acts to harm thetans by implanting them with false data — and we in Scientology would never implant anyone with false data, lies, or fake news.”

“Furthermore, we in Scientology are deeply harmed by the literally tens of thousands of fake news stories out there on the internet, on television, and even in the theaters that portray the Church of Scientology as a greedy, thieving, scumbag criminal organization.”

Hustler.Dave“These fake news stories peddled by the Psychs also slanderously portray Scientology’s global ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige as a ravening, violent, and ill-tempered hoodlum who is propelled along in life by his own narcissism, insatiable greed, and caprice.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth! Mr. Miscavige is a humanitarian greater than even Gandhi!”

“These fake news stories further seek to impugn Scientology’s Founder who was a nuclear physicist, a Civil Engineer, and a heavily decorated WWII combat hero.”

“All of this fake news is outrageous and must stop or we in Scientology will sue everyone in the world!”

47 New Scientology Implanting Stations Now Open

47 new Scientology Implanting Stations now open. Come in for a free implant and experience our seriously disturbing behavioral modification.

XenuVision

XenuVision

XenuVision is the wave of the future!” exulted aging Chairman of the Bored Dr. David Miscavige.

“Unlike wog television, XenuVision is fully ideal in every way! Our uncorrupted communication line to the billions, XenuVision allows us to ignore the catcalls and japeries of those benighted SP’s who cannot understand the central problem of the human race.”

“So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late,” said Dr. Miscavige, “Every man, woman, and child on this planet has attached to their bodies the souls of millions of dead space aliens murdered by Xenu.”

“This terrible affliction is curable by each person on this planet giving we in the Church of Scientology millions of dollars in exchange for our copyrighted system of high-volume mass exorcism which, while it can take decades, and admittedly, many people die premature deaths from cancer up there on Solo NOT’s, is the only way out of this 75,000,000 year old trap created by Xenu and his Psych henchmen from the planet Farsec.”

The Phone Call No One Wants to Get from OSA

The phone call no one wants to get from OSA:

lord-xenu-didnt-wear-protection-youre-a-scientologist-now
Note: This shoop was found online and was not created by OTVIIIisGrrr8! We credit the unknown author for this gem. Please contact us at scienowriter@gmail.com if you want name credit.

Breaking News: Xenu Located in Hemet, California

Evil galactic spacelord Xenu has been located today in Hemet, California. Posing as the ecclesiastical leader of Scientology, the cosmic tyrant is considered mentally unhinged and dangerous.

Xenu

Citizens are warned not to approach Xenu nor to fall prey to his rose-scented blandishments in which he promises the gullible Super Powers in exchange for large sums of money. Should they spot Xenu, citizens are asked to call the California Rogue Spacelord Control Bureau.

Xenu is believed to have escaped from his electronic mountain prison with the aid of an accomplice named of Tom Cruise. The two guh-lactic felons were last seen disguised as New Age swamis:

Swamis

Captain Miscavige Orders the Nuclear Option Against HBO!

david-miscavige

We in the Church of Scientology are under attack by the amassed global forces of planetary suppression.  Captain David Miscavige is in his RTC War Room handling the dire threat posed by Psych Master Alex Gibney, HBO, the 2.5% who comprise the class of Big-Pharma-funded SP’s, and of course the tiny handful of bitter defrocked apostates who oppose Scientology’s social betterment activities and fourth dynamic salvage campaigns.

Accordingly, Captain David Miscavige has ordered the “Nuclear Option” against Psych Master Alex Gibney, HBO, and the SP’s and bitter defrocked apostates. DefCon 4: This is not a drill. Repeat: This is not a drill.


Captain Miscavige’s 13 Point Plan to Confront and Shatter Suppression Once and For All Time:

1. Posing as IRS agents, OSA personnel will round up SP’s by ordering them to appear for tax audits in Ideal Orgs cleverly disguised to  look like IRS offices:


2. Once inside the buildings, the SP’s will be seized and hit with a glycol- alcohol mixture which preparation is guaranteed to pick up a thetan:


3. The unconscious SP’s will then be folded up like origami and placed into the new super-secret GAT III bomb-pops. Whereupon, the bomb-pops will be filled with more glycol-alcohol and then flash frozen — thus making a thetan trap far more deadly than even GAT II:


4. The flash frozen bomb-pops will be loaded into the bomb-bays on the Church of Scientology’s terrifying fleet of OSA Spaceliners. Our Spaceliners will then take off for Target 3:


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5. Flown by OSA Attack Squadron 4,  our fleet of more than 9,000 OSA Spaceliners will arrive to Target 3 at warp speed:


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6. The glass cockpits of the Stealth RTC Network Command Spaceliners will permit Captain Miscavige and RTC to control the action from full stealth mode:


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7. The RTC FLIR Volcano Acquisition System ensures that OSA Spaceliners will find the principal volcanoes of Target 3:


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8. We in the Church of Scientology will finally have our sweet revenge against all SP’s and bitter defrocked apostates when the war cry of “Bombs Away!” is called by Captain Miscavige. Trailing long tails of glycol-alcohol behind them, the melting bomb-pops will  cause the frozen SP’s to suddenly revivify in shock and horror as they are hurtled into the superheated volcanoes! Who’s laughing now jokers & degraders?!


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9.  After the the  homo saps are dropped into the volcanoes, RTC Confederation Nuclear Squadron Six will descend from outer space to drop its deadly cargo of nuclear-tipped cruise missiles on all SP’s and bitter defrocked apostates:


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10. Suppression fully confronted and shattered!


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11. CST Collector Ships will next move in to  harvest the billions of thetans of the knocked-out SP’s. The SP’s will be transported to CSI implanting facilities for further processing. After being harvested and compacted, the SP thetans will be made to watch the Orientation video for 36 days straight followed by all of COB’s 1,826 speeches.


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12. Freed from their money along with their reactive minds, IAS Patrons at Flag Land Base will uncork the champagne and party like it’s 1952 in Havana:

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13. Thank you sir, thank you COB. You are the leader of leaders and the thetan of thetans!