Scientologist Tom Cruise announced today that he has quit his acting career to become an auditor in the Sea Org. “This planet’s not going to get cleared unless I help,” said Cruise. “That’s why I’ve become a Sea Org auditor at the Celebrity Centre — and that’s what all of us have to do: We have to sacrifice now to help to get this planet cleared.”
Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion remarked that, “Tom Cruise’s first preclear is a tough case, a new Scientologist named Harvey Weinstein. Tom already has Harvey writing up his crimes and this may take years to complete.”
“His career in free fall, actor Kevin Spacey has turned to Scientology’s Celebrity Centre for help,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Spacey follows in the footsteps of Harvey Weinstein who turned to Scientology for help last month.”
“Scientology is quite happy to be the last refuge of wealthy scoundrels,” Delusion noted. “And we soon expect other Hollywood A-listers to come to the Celebrity Centre as things continue to go to hell in Hollywood — and please be assured that Scientology is very much behind the efforts to make sure all of the bad people in Hollywood are exposed!”
“This is Scientology’s retaliation for South Park, Going Clear, and every other suppressive thing Hollywood has done to us in the past ten years,” Delusion acidly remarked.
“Disgraced Hollywood honcho Harvey Weinstein has turned to the Church of Scientology’s Celebrity Centre for help,” reported Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Mr. Weinstein is currently staying in the penthouse at the Celebrity Centre and is receiving intensive Scientology auditing to help him handle his sexual harassment engrams,” Delusion noted. “Mr. Weinstein is confessing all of his crimes in a Scientology procedure known as a ‘sec check.'”
“Mr. Weinstein can rest assured that his confessional information is safe with Scientology and will never be used against him. Tom Cruise and John Travolta can attest to the fact that they have never once been blackmailed by Scientology over the filthy and lurid secrets they have given up in auditing,” Delusion assured reporters.
“In gratitude for Scientology taking him in and helping him when no one else would, Harvey Weinstein has already donated $2.5 million to the IAS.”
“In happier news,” Delusion remarked, “Harvey Weinstein will be dining with Scientologist Danny Masterson this evening to discuss Scientology techniques for handling scurrilous attacks upon one’s character known as ‘Black PR.’ At present, Danny Masterson is handling Black PR with the help of his criminal defense attorney and Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs.”