Upon first reading the news that the Mormon Church has $100 billion stashed away in Ensign Peak Advisors, Scientology leader David Miscavige was convinced this was fake news or possibly even satire. However, once his staff confirmed that news to be true, David Miscavige suddenly felt his rather pathetic $3 billion dollar Scientology world fall apart.
“Mr. Miscavige has collapsed into utter despair,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “He is sitting on the ground in sackcloth and ashes mumbling to himself that he, as a thetan, should have incarnated into a wealthy Mormon family and taken over the LDS Church. But no. Instead, he bet wrong and has wasted all of his time and effort on the dilettantish Church of Scientology whose members have repeatedly failed and betrayed him!”
“Mr. Miscavige is in a state of shock and denial,” Delusion noted. “And quite frankly, all of us in Scientology are in the same state. After all, we alone possess the world’s only proven spiritual technology to handle all of life’s problems. We are the experts on the mind, on getting people off drugs, on literacy, mental health and everything else.”
“The Mormons don’t have e-meters, Ideal Orgs, celebrities, or even a basic system of word clearing or clay demos! And yet the Mormons have fifteen million real members and $100 billion in cash squirreled away. How did this happen? The answer is obvious: The Mormons are implanting all of their people in their so-called Temple rituals and turning them into 10% wage slaves! Mormonism is a vast plot to enrich itself and rule the world!”