Scientology Leader David Miscavige Plunges Into a Deep Depression After Learning the Mormons Have $100 Billion Stashed Away

Upon first reading the news that the Mormon Church has $100 billion stashed away in Ensign Peak Advisors, Scientology leader David Miscavige was convinced this was fake news or possibly even satire. However, once his staff confirmed that news to be true, David Miscavige suddenly felt his rather pathetic $3 billion dollar Scientology world fall apart.

“Mr. Miscavige has collapsed into utter despair,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “He is sitting on the ground in sackcloth and ashes mumbling to himself that he, as a thetan, should have incarnated into a wealthy Mormon family and taken over the LDS Church. But no. Instead, he bet wrong and has wasted all of his time and effort on the dilettantish Church of Scientology whose members have repeatedly failed and betrayed him!”

“Mr. Miscavige is in a state of shock and denial,” Delusion noted. “And quite frankly, all of us in Scientology are in the same state. After all, we alone possess the world’s only proven spiritual technology to handle all of life’s problems. We are the experts on the mind, on getting people off drugs, on literacy, mental health and everything else.”

“The Mormons don’t have e-meters, Ideal Orgs, celebrities, or even a basic system of word clearing or clay demos! And yet the Mormons have fifteen million real members and $100 billion in cash squirreled away. How did this happen? The answer is obvious: The Mormons are implanting all of their people in their so-called Temple rituals and turning them into 10% wage slaves! Mormonism is a vast plot to enrich itself and rule the world!”

2 replies »

  1. This is EXACTLY what is wrong with Mormonism and other Christian cults! These vicious cults convince their members that their eternity depends on maintaining their good standing in their so called “churches” and at the same time extracting a full 10% of their (gross) income!! How oppressive is that? However, we in the Church of Scientology (©®™$) freely offer our services to anyone who wants to avail themselves of the only Tech that can save Mankind from their Reactive Minds and all of the disastrous implants on the Whole Track and create a new race of Homo (no, not that kind of homo) Novis in this lifetime!!! Instead of meeting with one’s local bishop once a year for “tithing settlement”, Scientologists freely wait in long lines at their Ideal Orgs to chat with our friendly, no pressure Regs to make voluntary donations. I must admit though, I have seen a few occasions when over exuberant Scientologist totally key out and donate every last dime they have as well as their friend’s money, family’s assets, IRAs, life insurance policies, college savings for the little Thetans in the family, and gold coins stashed in a coffee can buried in the backyard. For some reason this seems to happen most often on Thursday afternoons just before 2:00.

    Anyway, I hope COB RTC Capt’n Mr. David ‘Short Changed’ Miscavige is feeling better soon after hearing this devastating news. In my experience, there is nothing like a good ARC Break session and a chat with the Reg or Ethics Officer to make one feel better. I’m sure this would work for him too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Call out the lawyers. The Mormons must be sued for copyright infringement. Joseph Smith stole all the great space opera ideas from one of L.Ron Hubbard’s past lives. It’s about time Scientology sued someone with real money. Let’s make Scientology litigious again, get off the defense and get on the offense, sue someone damn it.

    Liked by 1 person

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