“My bags are as smooth as a baby’s bottom because they are made from babies.”

Scientologists care about global problems such as pollution, drugs, and overpopulation. And that is why Scientologist Thorsten Von Overgaard is selling a line of designer bags made from human babies.

“We harvest the babies humanely,” said Thorsten Von Overgaard. “I want everyone to understand that. A quick injection. They feel no pain.”

“Overpopulation is a planetary danger and so this is a win-win,” Overgaard stated. “My company reduces excess population and my wealthy clientele is able to enjoy the smoothest luxury bags possible.”

“With prices starting at $40,000, the Von Overgaard bags are prized by Russian oligarchs, Washington DC lobbyists, Third World dictators, and others who have no moral qualms about owning the finest in luxury goods.”

“Available exclusively at the Von Overgaard Shop, we accept only discreet inquiries and cash in advance. And yes, just like the Church of Scientology, we offer no refunds.”