“Widely savaged by wog film critics as the worst mobster film ever, John Travolta’s Gotti has been yanked from theaters and will be released tomorrow on Scientology TV,” announced Ken Delusion, the newly appointed VP of SMP.
“John Travolta’s schmacting, Kelly Preston’s painful overacting, and the general horribleness of the film complements Battlefield Earth splendidly,” gushed Delusion. “This weekend’s Travolta Marathon on Scientology TV will be epic!”
“Due to the highest ever straight up and vertical expansion resulting from Scientology TV, Scientology is now outsourcing some of its BT exorcism workload to the Catholic Church,” said spokesman Ken Delusion.
“The Catholics have been in the exorcism business since the time of Jesus,” Delusion noted. “And the exorcism business has never been better or more lucrative than today.”
“Exorcisms are up in the Catholic Church and Scientology by over 47,000%. What this means is that Psych drugs aren’t working because the real cause of all modern problems are demonic body thetans,” concluded Delusion. “SP’s can mock what Scientology teaches about how BT’s came to be, but SP mockery doesn’t change the fact of what happened 75,000,000 years ago. It’s all true and quite savage and ghastly.”
“Only Scientology can help,” Delusion emphasized. “But until we get 150,000 more GAT II auditors trained, we’re using Catholic priests on an interim basis.”
“My bags are as smooth as a baby’s bottom because they are made from babies.”
Scientologists care about global problems such as pollution, drugs, and overpopulation. And that is why Scientologist Thorsten Von Overgaard is selling a line of designer bags made from human babies.
“We harvest the babies humanely,” said Thorsten Von Overgaard. “I want everyone to understand that. A quick injection. They feel no pain.”
“Overpopulation is a planetary danger and so this is a win-win,” Overgaard stated. “My company reduces excess population and my wealthy clientele is able to enjoy the smoothest luxury bags possible.”
“With prices starting at $40,000, the Von Overgaard bags are prized by Russian oligarchs, Washington DC lobbyists, Third World dictators, and others who have no moral qualms about owning the finest in luxury goods.”
“Available exclusively at the Von Overgaard Shop, we accept only discreet inquiries and cash in advance. And yes, just like the Church of Scientology, we offer no refunds.”
We in RTC are pleased to announced that Marshall Herff Applewhite, leader of the Heaven’s Gate Church, is the world’s first OTX completion.
When asked by Scientology TV to comment, Applewhite enthused, “I completed both OTIX and OTX in a state exterior from the body; it helped that I had dropped the body back in 1997 after drinking a phenobarbital and vodka cocktail. That drink is almost as yummy as Vistaril, but I digress.
“I did OTIX and OTX at the Van Allen Radiation Belt Org (VARBO).
“They say Flag is the Mecca of Technical Perfection, but I say doing OTIX and OTX exterior from the body at VARBO is sooooo… WOW! Those levels just blow you a million light years out of your head! It’s like KAPOW!
“The meter literally blew up and fell off the table dozens of times. I was having cognition after cognition after cognition. It’s just so… WOW! Just WOW! All I can say is get arrived at VARBO to do OTIX and OTX!
“And thank you to COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige who makes the Church of Scientology possible!”
“We in the Church of Scientology know what it’s like to be the victim of a massive and unconstitutional raid by US Federal agents. This happened to us in 1977 when hundreds of FBI agents, acting in a Gestapo-like fashion, launched a surprise early morning raid on our Orgs,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“And now the same jackbooted government thugs have raided the President’s wog lawyer Michael Cohen. But let’s not kid ourselves: The raid on Cohen’s offices was a warning to the President to not interfere in Big Pharma’s lucrative opioid epidemic — which epidemic is a carbon copy of Britain’s lucrative 19th century opium sales to China!”
“The shape-shifting alien reptilian British Monarchy is behind the raids on Michael Cohen. These godless reptilians need the money from opioid sales to finance their black propaganda wars designed to destroy Scientology which is mankind’s only hope of salvation! The raid on Cohen was a false flag operation that had absolutely nothing to do with Russia, collusion, election tampering, or obstruction of justice. It was all about keeping Americans high on dope and as faraway as possible from Narconon’s safe and effective drug treatment program! Likewise, the 1977 raid on Scientology was based on a flimsy trumped up charge that we used government copier paper without permission.”
“We in Scientology have promised to help Michael Cohen. As such, we are now investigating the hidden crimes of Big Pharma’s rabid lapdog Robert Mueller and the shadowy merchants of chaos with whom he is plotting. And when we connect all the dots, we will surely find Psychiatry and the reptilian British Monarchy behind this dire plot to destroy Scientology and enslave the masses!”
We in the Church of Scientology are so sure you’ll like Scientology TV that we’re giving a $25.00 Starbucks gift card to anyone who comes into any of our Orgs and watches a 12.5 hour intensive. No strings attached. Just come on in and watch one intensive of Scientology TV and get your free Starbucks gift card. And contrary to what you might have read on the internet, no one in Scientology will try to “brainwash” you, hold you captive, or act to swindle you out of your life savings based upon wild promises of Super Powers or OT powers.