“Without admitting to any crimes whatsoever, Mr. David Miscavige is nevertheless asking President Trump to issue him a full pardon him for any and all crimes he may have accidentally or unknowingly committed since June 1, 1972.”
“It is vital that Scientology go forward,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “And 2021 is shaping up to be a horrible year for Scientology. This is why our grand leader David Miscavige needs full immunity from being deposed in criminal cases or being charged with any and all serious felonies he may have accidentally or unknowingly committed at any time since June 1, 1972.”
“Unrelated to his request for a full pardon, Mr. Miscavige and the Church of Scientology are prepared to fully fund the planning and construction of the Ideal Donald J. Trump Presidential Library in Clearwater, Florida.”
“Like the President, Mr. Miscavige is also an expert in the planning and construction of magnificent buildings. There is no quid pro quo or bribe going on whereby Mr. Miscavige will fund and build the Ideal Donald J. Trump Presidential Library in exchange for a full pardon,” Delusion insisted.