Tag Archives: Donald Trump

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#SPYGATE

Trump Lawyer Michael Cohen Turns to Scientology for Help!

“We in the Church of Scientology know what it’s like to be the victim of a massive and unconstitutional raid by US Federal agents. This happened to us in 1977 when hundreds of FBI agents, acting in a Gestapo-like fashion, launched a surprise early morning raid on our Orgs,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“And now the same jackbooted government thugs have raided the President’s wog lawyer Michael Cohen. But let’s not kid ourselves: The raid on Cohen’s offices was a warning to the President to not interfere in Big Pharma’s lucrative opioid epidemic — which epidemic is a carbon copy of Britain’s lucrative 19th century opium sales to China!”

“The shape-shifting alien reptilian British Monarchy is behind the raids on Michael Cohen. These godless reptilians need the money from opioid sales to finance their black propaganda wars designed to destroy Scientology which is  mankind’s only hope of salvation! The raid on Cohen was a false flag operation that had absolutely nothing to do with Russia, collusion, election tampering, or obstruction of justice. It was all about keeping Americans high on dope and as faraway as possible from Narconon’s safe and effective drug treatment program! Likewise, the 1977 raid on Scientology was based on a flimsy trumped up charge that we used government copier paper without permission.”

“We in Scientology have promised to help Michael Cohen. As such, we are now investigating the hidden crimes of Big Pharma’s rabid lapdog Robert Mueller and the  shadowy merchants of chaos with whom he is plotting. And when we connect all the dots, we will surely find Psychiatry and the reptilian British Monarchy behind this dire plot to destroy Scientology and enslave the masses!”

 

Scientology Chairman David Miscavige to Replace Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State


“Heading into negotiations with the violent and insane leader of North Korea, President Trump felt he needed a far more violent and insane American to serve as Secretary of State for what will surely be vicious negotiations — negotiations that will very likely need to be solved by a good ol’ fashioned ass-kicking that includes choking, punching, and even a set of brass knuckles or a hard kick to the nutsack if extra persuasion is needed,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Given these requirements, President Trump felt that Scientology leader David Miscavige would be the perfect man to serve as America’s new Secretary of State.”

“Frankly,” Delusion added, “as Secretary of State, Tillerson never even once engaged in a bloody beatdown of  a foreign despot. Tillerson never understood that real diplomacy  involves fists, cruise missiles, fake news, honeypot traps, Novichok agents, blackmail, bribery and whatever else is required to confront and shatter suppression on the global stage. Mr. Miscavige understands how to handle SP’s!”

“Fresh off his staggering triumph of launching Scientology Media Productions, Mr. Miscavige has proven that he has an uncorrupted communication line to the billions of people on this prison planet. President Trump was impressed by the fact that SMP reached 55.7 billion people in its first 24 hours of broadcasting and that 22.6 billion people signed up for a Scientology introductory course as a result.”

Is Former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg Setting Up an “OT Insanity” Defense?

“We in Scientology have long warned the public that reading the OT materials without proper preparations will cause a person to freewheel through their implants, catch pneumonia, and die,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

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“We in Scientology can confirm that former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg went on the SP site xs4all where he read the legally webbed OT materials.  Sure enough, Nunberg began to freewheel through his implants and became quite insane as he babbled away on political talk shows like a drunken Pentecostal.”

“However there is more this story,” cautioned Delusion. “Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller is hot on Nunberg’s tracks. We in Scientology believe Nunberg read the OT materials in order to set up an ‘OT Insanity’ defense ahead of possible criminal charges.”

“This would not be the first time someone accused Scientology of driving them insane,” Delusion noted.

A Message from Scientology Leader David Miscavige to Joy Villa:


How dare Joy Villa think it was okay to “play down” Scientology to a bunch of Trump-loving MAGA wogs! How are Joy pretend to be a Christian when she knows that the only path to salvation is to handle her millions of body thetans on the OT levels!

Joy Villa even managed to get herself banned from FOX for life! This proves she has evil purposes to harm Scientology as her shenanigans made Scientology, once again, the laughingstock of the internets. COB is angry, real angry, right here and right now! COB has placed Joy into ENEMY, revoked her Clear cert, and has ordered her to redo her entire Bridge from the Purif forward nine times at her own expense.

COB RTC David Miscavige visits the President and First Lady at Trump Tower

“David Miscavige dropped by Trump Tower the other day,” said the President. “He had yuge concerns, very yuge concerns he told me, about Scientology being a persecuted minority religion. David wanted some special laws passed about putting SP’s in prison and having them beaten by the guards. Not gonna happen I said. Little David started getting very animated folks. He was waving his arms around, stamping his feet, and cussing up a storm. Folks let me say this: I don’t like profanity in my house or at the White House. I actually had to have the Secret Service make David sit down on the sofa and cool down.

“I then called in my Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and folks Jeff Sessions is a great guy, just great. And I had Jeff Session explain, in real simple terms, what freedom of speech is to little David. It was a waste of time. David said he  didn’t understand and demanded that the US repeal the First Amendment. Jeff Sessions said that would hurt Scientology. David then demanded that the First Amendment be modified so that religions were protected while freedom of speech was outlawed.

“I got a little hot under the collar and said, ‘David ya’ gotta stop with this crazy talk and just learn to take the heat! I got people screaming for my head everyday and I just ignore it! I let Sean Spicer or Kellyanne take care of it. What do I care? I got a country to run!’ David sat there and pouted. Folks, I had to finally tell him that he gets his feelings hurt too easily. What I didn’t tell him was that if he had been on The Apprentice I would’ve fired him at the end of the first show of the new season. Folks, this guy Miscavige has too much time and money on his hands and has no one to tell him to knock it off when he gets crazy. I got Melania, Kellyanne, Mike Pence, Mad Dog Mattis  and a lot of other good tough people. Little David could use some good tough advisers. But what does he do? He surrounds himself with all those bootlickers and toadies!

“But just to show there were no hard feelings towards Scientology from my Administration, Melania and I gifted David with a very nice, very plush, and very expensive stuffed lion to show we’re fine with Scientology and all of the other whacko UFO alien cults in America. And let me tell you little David was ecstatic. He was really happy folks.

“David was also a very thirsty little guy, very thirsty, and he drank all the scotch in my penthouse. Really thirsty little guy. But then he sent over a case of Macallan so he keeps his exchange in folks. And that’s more than I can say for the Democrats who take and take and take and won’t even approve the rest of my cabinet.”

President of Mars declares: Mars is not paying for Scientology’s Gigantic Galactic Space Wall!”

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Scientology Cosmonaut Monique Yingling

The Church of Scientology’s top wog lawyer Monique Yingling was launched into outer space this morning at 0815 hours from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.

Scientology Cosmonaut Yingling was sent aloft in a vintage 1961 Vostok 3KA space capsule. The craft was purchased with an IAS grant, and at a bargain price, from the Roscosmos State Corporation for Space Activities (Государственная корпорация по космической деятельности).

Yingling was fired off on a Mission to the Mars Implanting Station by Fleet Admiral David Miscavige. Yingling is to serve as Scientology’s Ambassador to Mars where she will relay Scientology’s many complaints against the Red Planet.

“Scientology’s trade deficit with the Mars now stands at $65 billion per year,” complained Scientology Minister of Trade Mr. Ken Delusion. “And Fleet Admiral Miscavige won’t stand for it!,” Delusion insisted. “After all, what does Mars do for Scientology except send us trillions of undocumented body thetans every year? Worse, Mars expects Scientology OT’s to endlessly pay for Solo auditing these undocumented BT’s — and many of these BT’s are implanted criminals and rapists who don’t even know who they really are!”

“Meanwhile criminal Martian drug dealers continue to flood the Earth with Psych drugs via the porous transdimensional Lunar border! This has to stop!,” Delusion roared. “And it will stop! Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is going to build a gigantic galactic space wall around the Earth and the Martians are going to pay for it!”

Martian president P. Murt Dlanod cancelled next week’s planned meeting with Fleet Admiral David Miscavige at Scientology’s International Base. “Mars is not paying for Scientology’s gigantic galactic space wall,” declared President Dlanod.

Those ungrateful Martians!