Tag Archives: Donald Trump

Scientology Chairman David Miscavige to Replace Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State

“Heading into negotiations with the violent and insane leader of North Korea, President Trump felt he needed a far more violent and insane American to serve as Secretary of State for what will surely be vicious negotiations — negotiations that will very likely need to be solved by a good ol’ fashioned ass-kicking that includes choking, punching, and even a set of brass knuckles or a hard kick to the nutsack if extra persuasion is needed,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Given these requirements, President Trump felt that Scientology leader David Miscavige would be the perfect man to serve as America’s new Secretary of State.”

“Frankly,” Delusion added, “as Secretary of State, Tillerson never even once engaged in a bloody beatdown of  a foreign despot. Tillerson never understood that real diplomacy  involves fists, cruise missiles, fake news, honeypot traps, Novichok agents, blackmail, bribery and whatever else is required to confront and shatter suppression on the global stage. Mr. Miscavige understands how to handle SP’s!”

“Fresh off his staggering triumph of launching Scientology Media Productions, Mr. Miscavige has proven that he has an uncorrupted communication line to the billions of people on this prison planet. President Trump was impressed by the fact that SMP reached 55.7 billion people in its first 24 hours of broadcasting and that 22.6 billion people signed up for a Scientology introductory course as a result.”

Is Former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg Setting Up an “OT Insanity” Defense?

“We in Scientology have long warned the public that reading the OT materials without proper preparations will cause a person to freewheel through their implants, catch pneumonia, and die,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“We in Scientology can confirm that former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg went on the SP site xs4all where he read the legally webbed OT materials.  Sure enough, Nunberg began to freewheel through his implants and became quite insane as he babbled away on political talk shows like a drunken Pentecostal.”

“However there is more this story,” cautioned Delusion. “Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller is hot on Nunberg’s tracks. We in Scientology believe Nunberg read the OT materials in order to set up an ‘OT Insanity’ defense ahead of possible criminal charges.”

“This would not be the first time someone accused Scientology of driving them insane,” Delusion noted.

A Message from Scientology Leader David Miscavige to Joy Villa:

How dare Joy Villa think it was okay to “play down” Scientology to a bunch of Trump-loving MAGA wogs! How are Joy pretend to be a Christian when she knows that the only path to salvation is to handle her millions of body thetans on the OT levels!

Joy Villa even managed to get herself banned from FOX for life! This proves she has evil purposes to harm Scientology as her shenanigans made Scientology, once again, the laughingstock of the internets. COB is angry, real angry, right here and right now! COB has placed Joy into ENEMY, revoked her Clear cert, and has ordered her to redo her entire Bridge from the Purif forward nine times at her own expense.

COB RTC David Miscavige visits the President and First Lady at Trump Tower

“David Miscavige dropped by Trump Tower the other day,” said the President. “He had yuge concerns, very yuge concerns he told me, about Scientology being a persecuted minority religion. David wanted some special laws passed about putting SP’s in prison and having them beaten by the guards. Not gonna happen I said. Little David started getting very animated folks. He was waving his arms around, stamping his feet, and cussing up a storm. Folks let me say this: I don’t like profanity in my house or at the White House. I actually had to have the Secret Service make David sit down on the sofa and cool down.

“I then called in my Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and folks Jeff Sessions is a great guy, just great. And I had Jeff Session explain, in real simple terms, what freedom of speech is to little David. It was a waste of time. David said he  didn’t understand and demanded that the US repeal the First Amendment. Jeff Sessions said that would hurt Scientology. David then demanded that the First Amendment be modified so that religions were protected while freedom of speech was outlawed.

“I got a little hot under the collar and said, ‘David ya’ gotta stop with this crazy talk and just learn to take the heat! I got people screaming for my head everyday and I just ignore it! I let Sean Spicer or Kellyanne take care of it. What do I care? I got a country to run!’ David sat there and pouted. Folks, I had to finally tell him that he gets his feelings hurt too easily. What I didn’t tell him was that if he had been on The Apprentice I would’ve fired him at the end of the first show of the new season. Folks, this guy Miscavige has too much time and money on his hands and has no one to tell him to knock it off when he gets crazy. I got Melania, Kellyanne, Mike Pence, Mad Dog Mattis  and a lot of other good tough people. Little David could use some good tough advisers. But what does he do? He surrounds himself with all those bootlickers and toadies!

“But just to show there were no hard feelings towards Scientology from my Administration, Melania and I gifted David with a very nice, very plush, and very expensive stuffed lion to show we’re fine with Scientology and all of the other whacko UFO alien cults in America. And let me tell you little David was ecstatic. He was really happy folks.

“David was also a very thirsty little guy, very thirsty, and he drank all the scotch in my penthouse. Really thirsty little guy. But then he sent over a case of Macallan so he keeps his exchange in folks. And that’s more than I can say for the Democrats who take and take and take and won’t even approve the rest of my cabinet.”

President of Mars declares: Mars is not paying for Scientology’s Gigantic Galactic Space Wall!”


Scientology Cosmonaut Monique Yingling

The Church of Scientology’s top wog lawyer Monique Yingling was launched into outer space this morning at 0815 hours from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.

Scientology Cosmonaut Yingling was sent aloft in a vintage 1961 Vostok 3KA space capsule. The craft was purchased with an IAS grant, and at a bargain price, from the Roscosmos State Corporation for Space Activities (Государственная корпорация по космической деятельности).

Yingling was fired off on a Mission to the Mars Implanting Station by Fleet Admiral David Miscavige. Yingling is to serve as Scientology’s Ambassador to Mars where she will relay Scientology’s many complaints against the Red Planet.

“Scientology’s trade deficit with the Mars now stands at $65 billion per year,” complained Scientology Minister of Trade Mr. Ken Delusion. “And Fleet Admiral Miscavige won’t stand for it!,” Delusion insisted. “After all, what does Mars do for Scientology except send us trillions of undocumented body thetans every year? Worse, Mars expects Scientology OT’s to endlessly pay for Solo auditing these undocumented BT’s — and many of these BT’s are implanted criminals and rapists who don’t even know who they really are!”

“Meanwhile criminal Martian drug dealers continue to flood the Earth with Psych drugs via the porous transdimensional Lunar border! This has to stop!,” Delusion roared. “And it will stop! Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is going to build a gigantic galactic space wall around the Earth and the Martians are going to pay for it!”

Martian president P. Murt Dlanod cancelled next week’s planned meeting with Fleet Admiral David Miscavige at Scientology’s International Base. “Mars is not paying for Scientology’s gigantic galactic space wall,” declared President Dlanod.

Those ungrateful Martians!

Scientology National Affairs Office — Press Release

Scientology National Affairs Office
1701 20th St NW
Washington, DC 20009


Scientologist Trish Duggan today met with senior Trump administration officials to lobby for the establishment of an Office of Scientology in the White House (OSWH). The OSWH would act as an executive police body to sec check and find the crimes of Senators and Congresspeople and other CICS government officials who show SP tendencies towards the President. The OSWH would also burglarize government offices as needed given Scientology’s historical experience in high level burglaries. Mr. Don Alverzo would be the Burglaries IC.

President Trump expressed interest but said that Scientology’s proposed prices for these services were an outrageous ripoff. Fleet Admiral David Miscavige quickly offered steep discounts for sec checking if the President promised to protect Scientology’s tax exemption and give Scientology protection from the FBI, IRS, and law enforcement agencies domestic and foreign.

Fleet Admiral Miscavige demonstrated the e-meter at a press conference today. This was followed by Mr. Ken Delusion conducting a tour of Scientology’s vitally needed new Clay Demo facility in Washington DC.


Scientology’s Open Letter to President-Elect Trump

November 21, 2016

Religious Technology Center
David Miscavige
UPS Store, PO Box 12
San Jacinto, CA

President-Elect Donald Trump
Trump Tower
New York, NY

Dear Mr. President-Elect Trump,

As a fellow global leader and the Pope  of Scientology, the world’s fastest growing copyrighted religion, I am in a unique position to help you 47x your presidential stats. Please allow me to elucidate just a few of the unique services Scientology can offer you:

* Sec checking your staff several times per day to find the hidden criminals and SP’s who will secretly put counter-intention and sabotage on your lines if they are not ferreted out. Trust me on this. I know just how traitorous staff members can be.

* Having Scientology OSA contractors and MAA’s physically beat the CICS fuck-ups on your staff so that you don’t have to.

* Imprisoning your staff in our RPF religious prisons where they will be subjected to heavy manual labor, sleep deprivation, and thought reform in order to bring them into compliance with your agenda.

* Spying on, stalking, harassing, and Fair Gaming your political opponents.

*Writing long florid speeches that actually say nothing.

*Training NASA astronauts to raise their IQ and reaction times.

* Auditing your cabinet members to the State of Clear and then on to OTVIII. This will allow them to go exterior and operate outside the confines of their physical meat bodies.

All I ask in return Mr. President-Elect is that you sign a series of Executive Orders making it a crime in all 50 states to criticize David Miscavige (me) or Scientology, or to engage in joking & degrading about David Miscavige (me) or Scientology. All television shows, movies, books, and internet postings that are critical of David Miscavige (me) or  Scientology would also become illegal and punishable by a term 0f 327 years in prison and a fine of $50,000,000 per offense.

I am confident that you will embrace my proposal. And may I extend to you and your family my sincere invitation to visit Flag Land Base for some courtesy auditing when you are next in Florida.


David Miscavige
Royal Imperial Galactic Sovereign and Protector of Galaxies

PS: While I have nothing to do with running the daily affairs of the Church of Scientology, I do act in my capacity as a goodwill ambassador for all of the churches of Scientology in the ecclesiastical hierarchy of Scientology churches.

PSS: To whom in your new administration would I direct my, uh, special Scientology friend’s request for a potential pardon in the event that RICO charges are asserted by Attorney General nominee Mr. Jeff Sessions against my, err, my special Scientology friend and his alleged co-conspirators in an alleged series of crimes?