In a technical departure from L. Ron Hubbard’s dictum ‘be three feet behind your head‘ we in the Church of Scientology have ordered all thetans be six feet behind their heads. This is being done in order to comply with social distancing guidelines.

“Thetans need to practice social distancing,” said Mr. Ken Delusion. “And as soon as our researchers in the Scientology Department of Nuclear Physics can figure out how to make masks for non-physical thetans that have no mass, wavelength, or location in space, we will also require thetans to wear masks.”

“As it is now, when we try to make thetans wear a mask the mask falls to the ground. This apparently has something to do with gravity, a force discovered by L. Ron Hubbard in 1932 when he was attending George Washington University.”

“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered that one hundred million dollars be raised this week before Thursday at 2:00 PM in order to solve this problem of masks not sticking to thetans.”