Super Fighter Tom Cruise Saves the Church of Scientology from Psychiatry!

Ethah.HuntWe in the Church of Scientology wish to clear up a misconception in the media:  Tom’s Cruise’s main job is not acting; he only acts to pay the bills.

No, Tom Cruise’s main job is to help COB RTC David Miscavige save the Church of Scientology from the Psychiatric Illuminati that is trying to destroy the Church.

In an world exclusive interview with the Church of Scientology’s Freedom Magazine, Tom Cruise opened up about how hard his life is.

“My job, the work I do as a Scientologist, as an actor… the 20-30 sprints I run every day, the Pilates, the skim milk, the merciless way I put KSW in on myself,” Cruise pointed out, “so yeah, when you add it all up, my job is harder than being a front line combat soldier and an Olympic athlete combined.

“Fighting the Psychs… it’s brutal, brutal work,” Cruise said from the Presidential Suite of the Fort Harrison Hotel. “Sometimes, it’s… I even… have to fly commercial.”

“Look,” the actor said, “to have to share a commercial airplane toilet with wogs… even in first class, you just don’t want to see what the toilet looks like after twelve hours, it’s horrible, like some wholetrack nightmare… smells like John Allender in there… I mean, have you ever actually seen an SP?”

Located in Clearwater, Florida the Fort Harrison serves as the Church of Scientology’s Winter War Headquarters — and this weekend the Church’s War Headquarter is busier than ever with the most important event ever in the history of the world.

“I can’t tell you how… just how important it is… how important David Miscavige, COB is… just how planetary-changing… the launch of Super Power and GAT II will be,” Mr. Cruise emphasized.

“I’ve met the leaders of leaders and so when I say we’re lucky to have COB,” I mean it. And because David Miscavige’s job is 1000x harder than mine, that is why I say, ‘thank you Sir!'”

COB RTC David Miscavige screams instructions at his incompetent aides who SCOHB. “There must be no mistakes this weekend!” COB orders. “Tom Cruise will be here at Flag and so I want it to be perfecto or it’s sayonara to you SP’s! Got it?!”

9 replies »

  1. We in Global Capitalism HQ sympathize with many of the details of Tom Cruise’s sad story. In particular, of course, we sympathize with him about the suffering when one has to fly commercial.

    We also have a certain empathy about his battles with the psychs. They’re an unruly bunch. But given that they’re among the best salespeople we have for the products of Big Pharma, a wholly owned subsidiary of Global Capitalism HQ, we have to find some way to work with them. That usually involves gritting our teeth and ignoring the little bits of food in their rather long and unkempt beards.

    But we don’t mind, since the numbers are on our side. There are more psychs in the US than there are Scientologists, by a factor of about 2.0x, and they support 30 million customers versus 25,000 for your little enterprise.


  2. Tom Cruise Anti-Psych Battle Plan
    1. Donate $50 or maybe $100 to CCHR – woo hoo!
    2. Find another celebrity (less-lovable though, maybe that twerking girl) who is taking psych drugs and pay someone (not me this time!) to publicly take them to task for it.
    3. 4. Initiate $14 trillion lawsuit against the Internet.
    3. Find out who owns the fucking Internet.


    • How hard can it be to figure out who owns the Internet? The answer should be obvious.

      We in Global Capitalism HQ own the Internet. Always have, always will. Maybe Al Gore invented it, but we own every last inch of fiber optic cable connecting all 38,901 countries on all 53 continents.


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