Tag Archives: E-Meter

Psychiatrist Caught Trying to Smuggle New Top Secret E-Meter Out of Scientology Org!

“When word got around that Scientology had a new top-secret e-meter that could instantly cure-all forms of psychological distress and thereby eliminate the need for Psych drugs, Big Pharma was terrified! Big Pharma knew that Scientology was poised to put Big Pharma and its army of Psychiatrists out of business!”

“Accordingly,” said Scientology Chief Inspector Bobby Ray Bigly, “Big Pharma sent in an undercover agent into our Toledo Ideal Org to steal one of the new Quantum Mark XV meters.”

“The Psych literally shoved the new meter up his backside in order to conceal it. However, OSA Security caught him as he was painfully waddling out of the Org. An x-ray showed the meter lodged in his rectum. The Psych tried to flee but obviously didn’t get very far.”

“The suspect was arrested without incident and has been charged with the attempted theft of a patented religious artifact. The e-meter had to be removed surgically; it was not a pretty sight.”

SP Jokers & Degraders Launch Ransonware Attack on Scientology E-Meters!


SP criminals have hacked the Windows XP-based Scientology mainframe computer and put a virus onto all Warehouse 8 e-meters.

What happens is that when a floating needle occurs in session, the dial shows a picture of Bozo the Clown and uproarious laughter emanates from the meter.

A message then flashes on the dial demanding $300 to unlock the meter. Scientology cyber experts say this appears to be the work of SMERSH, a Psych group dedicated to enturbulating Scientology organizations.

Scientology National Affairs Office — Press Release

Scientology National Affairs Office
1701 20th St NW
Washington, DC 20009


Scientologist Trish Duggan today met with senior Trump administration officials to lobby for the establishment of an Office of Scientology in the White House (OSWH). The OSWH would act as an executive police body to sec check and find the crimes of Senators and Congresspeople and other CICS government officials who show SP tendencies towards the President. The OSWH would also burglarize government offices as needed given Scientology’s historical experience in high level burglaries. Mr. Don Alverzo would be the Burglaries IC.

President Trump expressed interest but said that Scientology’s proposed prices for these services were an outrageous ripoff. Fleet Admiral David Miscavige quickly offered steep discounts for sec checking if the President promised to protect Scientology’s tax exemption and give Scientology protection from the FBI, IRS, and law enforcement agencies domestic and foreign.

Fleet Admiral Miscavige demonstrated the e-meter at a press conference today. This was followed by Mr. Ken Delusion conducting a tour of Scientology’s vitally needed new Clay Demo facility in Washington DC.


Hillary Completes OT III at Flag!

Hillary had problems at Flag with the OT III materials, but once we handled her crashing misunderstood on BT’s she F/N’d and attested to having completed the level.


Actor Nicolas Cage to Return Stolen Scientology E-Meter Purchased from Disreputable Mormon Art Dealer

nicolas_cageActor Nicolas Cage agreed to return a stolen antique Scientology e-meter he unwittingly purchased in 2007 from a disreputable Mormon art dealer.

“The e-meter was a very rare 1954 Venutian 54-C tube meter,” said Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “There was only this one meter made and so it is sacred.”

“The Mormon art dealer purchased it from a twice-convicted Jehovah’s Witness who is known to traffick in stolen occult appliances,” Delusion added. “Indeed, this loathsome JW spent one year in federal prison for stealing the famous 1922 Diamond Ouija Board from the Obama White House in 2013. The President was quite upset when his Ouija Board was purloined;  many say that is when his policies seem to go off kilter. Some wondered if it was Mitt Romney’s revenge.”

tubeemeter“This rare e-meter was stolen in 2002 from the nuclear proof vault at Scientology’s Trementina Base in New Mexico by a gang of bitter defrocked Mormon reprobates who posed as RTC officers on a surprise inspection mission. It seems that terrified Sea Org members always fall for this trick,” lamented Delusion.

“This e-meter is historical because it was the first meter ever to detect and confirm the existence of classified and copyrighted Scientology upper level spiritual phenomena — and yes, we’re talking about the real scary $360,000 stuff that will kill you dead instantly if you read it for free on the internet.”

“Mr. Cage purchased the e-meter at auction in 2007 from the Mormon art dealer I.M. Shady in Los Angeles for $12,597,000 following a fevered bidding war with New Age actress Shirley MacLaine.”

“After we in the Sovereign Nation of Scientology recently discovered this sale, our wog attorneys filed papers with the US State Department demanding that Mr. Cage return the sacred esoteric device. Mr. Cage gracefully agreed to return the meter after Scientologist Priscilla Presley called him. Lisa Marie Presley would normally have called Mr. Cage but she is… ahhh… well let us say that Lisa Marie’s KSW is not fully in at present.”

“We in the Sovereign Nation of Scientology are pleased to have back this sacred device. We plan to exhibit this relic in the Great Hall of Exact Data at Flag Land Base. Admission will be $1,000 per ticket to gaze upon what COB has proclaimed to be the Supreme Primordial Electropsychometer.”


New Sec Checking Sledge Hammer Increases Confessions 4700x


“When applied standardly to kneecaps, elbows, or heads, the patented new RTC sec checking sledge hammer increases confessions 4700x,” declared CO OSA Inquisitions Captain Stayta Kleer.

“The new Ultra Mark VIII meter circuitry is engineered into the RTC sec checking sledge hammer to give 50,000x faster reads on withholds and crimes.”

“The perfect Christmas gift for any Ethics Officer, the RTC sec checking sledge hammer was piloted by COB RTC David Miscavige and AOLA MAA Julian Smashface. And best of all, because it’s dishwasher safe, pc blood washes off quickly and easily!”

“Priced at only $7995, COB has ordered every Church of Scientology Org, Mission, and social betterment group in the world to have at least ten  RTC sec checking sledge hammers in stock for use on theetie-wheetie dilettantes, those who are under the radar reading the internet, and on all CICS who refuse to donate for their next higher IAS Patron Status!”

Welcome to the Church of Scientology – Indoctrination for New Members


Welcome to the Church of Scientology.

You have made a very wise decision to improve yourself through the use of our highly effective spiritual technology.

An exciting spiritual adventure awaits. Our copyrighted spiritual technology will allow you to precisely date locate, re-experience, and thereby erase all of the painful engrams stored in your reactive mind. And as you move with GAT II’s fastest-ever speeds up the Bridge to Total Freedom, you’ll quickly become a Clear who has no reactive mind — and then onto the summit of the OT levels!

Scientology’s electropsychometer — or “e-meter” as we call it — will probe the deepest recesses of your prurient, festering, and filthy self-absorbed mind, thereby relieving you of your hidden evil purposes and the vast reservoir of guilty secrets that lay hidden just beneath the surface. We know what makes you tick and it is not good.

The e-meter is your friend and so is your auditor. Likewise, all of us in the Church of Scientology are your friends.

We care so very deeply about you.

It is for this reason that you must, while in the recorded sessions with your auditor, unreservedly confess to us all of your horrible crimes and sins in order to free yourself. For example, we must know the intimate details of your secret drug-fueled masturbatory orgies. What detestable fantasies run through your head during these assuredly self-hating bouts of onanism?

And what of embezzlement, grand theft, or any other felonies you have committed and do not want the authorities to discover? We need to know the details of just exactly what you did, how you got away with it, and how much money is involved. Please be assured we can certainly make “problem money” go away very quickly thereby relieving you of any undue concerns.

As for your current marriage or primary relationship: If the other person is not a Scientologist, or is not willing to promptly become a Scientologist, why then they must be gotten rid of immediately. Drive them from your life now! If needed, we are quite proficient at helping make these hateful anti-Scientologists go away and even disappear. The same applies to any of your friends who are not friendly to Scientology. We are very friendly. As Scientologists, however, we simply do not care to associate ourselves with Suppressive Persons (SP’s).

SP’s are quite insane and are actually criminals. As such, SP’s are opposed to anyone getting better by using Scientology’s safe and effective drug free solutions to life.

For your own safety you must stay away from SP’s. We will tell you who and who is not an SP.

We are the most ethical group on the planet.

Your secrets are unquestionably safe with us.

Your auditing sessions are recorded only for internal training purposes.

You must help us help you. You must never try to hide anything from us. You must never keep any secrets from us or attempt to hide any money from us. You must never run away from us and make us come after you because we will.

Please do not confuse our intense love and affection for stalking. For instance, if you come to home to find your fellow Scientologists conducting a detailed inspection of your residence and possessions, you need not be alarmed. We are simply acting in your best interest by taking away from you those possessions we feel could harm you. Such possessions include, but are not limited to, computers and all other devices capable of connecting to the internet or placing calls to your so-called family and friends. We have issued you a two-way radio. You can call us if needed. When we call you on your radio, and we will several times each hour to check in on your progress, you must answer.

Instant obedience is the way of life in Scientology. You must use every waking moment to improve and perfect your instant obedience and commitment to the Church of Scientology.

You will be precisely indoctrinated in order to achieve the absolute state of spiritual enlightenment. This is achieved by a strict monastic regimen of painful and soul-rending confession, malnourishment, beatings, and sleep deprivation. While this intense monastic regime results in alternating states of giddy euphoria and abject self-debasement, we assure you this only a temporary state. Indeed, when the “extreme crisis phase” of this exalted spiritual state reaches its climax, the reactive mind rather unexpectedly and permanently erases. Suddenly you “go Clear” because you are Clear.

We will present you with a handsomely framed certificate verifying the State of Clear you have reached. This certificate may be displayed in your home. This certificate is all the proof needed to verify that you are an advanced spiritual being whose IQ and abilities mark  you as being better and smarter than the seven billion inferior people on this planet who are not Scientologists.

It is an actual scientific fact that when you improve yourself using Scientology you are vastly superior in every way to what we secretly call “homo saps” or “wogs”, i.e. non-Scientologists. You will eventually become an Operating Thetan, or “OT.”

And when you become an exalted OT VIII like Tom Cruise, you too will know the seventy-six trillion year old hidden Nazi history of Psychiatry. You too will be the only one who can help at the scene of an accident.

This completes your “Welcome to the Church of Scientology” Level 1.

Our uniformed security personnel will now escort you to Room 5A. There we need you to quickly sign some paperwork authorizing the Church of Scientology to implant a micro-GPS device behind your left ear. This device includes a sound chip. Should you fail to answer when we call you on your radio, this device will emit an undulating shrill pitch until you answer our call.