Tag Archives: Marty Rathbun

Reverend Bob Tilton Handles Scientology & Pulls Marty Rathbun’s Withhold

Scientology Adopts the Flat Earth Cosmology

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Public Notice: The Church of Scientology has officially adopted a Flat Earth cosmology after finding lost tech written by the Founder. Scientologists have never believed in the lies of science and now have even more reasons to not believe the lies. Commander Marty Rathbun will be delivering a lecture exposing the Anti-Flat Earth Cult (AFEC) next week at Flag. Commander Rathbun was there. The so-called round earth is false. Never happened. It’s an invented narrative created to siphon off hundreds of trillions of tax dollars to the Psychs at NASA so they can fund the CIA, Interpol, SMERSH, Starbucks, and other front groups that have been trying to destroy Scientology since thetans mocked up the Earth 8,000 years ago and then lit the Sun using a butane torch.

Butthurt & Enturbulated in Scientology

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Scientology spokesman & cyber-fascist Marty Rathbun is butthurt & enturbulated. He is fuming mad that you SP’s have freedom of speech! How dare you! How dare you SP’s and your so-called books, television shows, and documentaries attack Scientology. We are the most ethical group on the planet! IG/RTC Marty Rathbun hereby orders you to cease & desist or you will rue the day you attacked Scientology and its pompadoured ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige.

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Fleet Admiral Rathbun on Fake News

Scientology Fleet Admiral Marty Rathbun

“So get this bit of cute fake news the media uses to troll Scientology: Sure, the Guardian’s Office decapitated a few dozen people 35 years ago but that’s old news. I purged the GO. I should know because I was there and I was in charge.”

“But then the media is like ‘OMG! Scientology decapitated hundreds of people!’ But it was only a few dozen people and it’s old news. Old news.”

“And when I came aboard, I put an end to the GO decapitations, hangings, arson, stabbings, burglaries, drownings, and so forth, but the media still acts like the Church of Scientology does it.”

“What I told that wog journalist was that Scientology can ‘potentially’ decapitate, hang, set fire to, or drown SP’s if we wanted to, but we don’t these things anymore. It’s just that we ‘potentially’ can do these things except I ordered an end to it — except for sometimes when an SP really needs to be decapitated. But then the media claimed it actually still happens. They published it just troll Scientology. False. Never happened. I was there.”

New Church of Scientology Spokesman Marty Rathbun Denies Everything

New Church of Scientology spokesman Marty Rathbun denies everything. This new Scientology all purpose denial — “it never happened” — is now official Church doctrine.

It never happened.

Never happened.

 

Scientology Media Productions new show “The Troika” smashes all Scientology broadcasting records!

Scientology Media Productions’ new show The Troika breaks all Scientology broadcasting records by averaging 1200 views per episode.

“With an investment of $100,000,000 in SMP’s facilities, the 22 episodes of The Troika aired to date have vindicated COB’s strategy of going straight to YouTube and skipping wog television networks,” said VP Ken Delusion of SMP Programming. “And more to the point, the questions about Marty’s sanity have only fueled interest in the show as viewers tune in to see what Marty will concoct next. Because he is a walking cluster, one never knows which Marty will appear on any given episode.”

“Some are already favorably comparing Marty’s long-winded, irrational, and conspiratorial bloviations to the gold standard prose Danny Sherman pens for David Miscavige’s six hour speeches.”

Scientology Media Productions New Show: Painting With Marty!