Tag Archives: Clearwater

Scientology: We Now Own Downtown Clearwater!

“Our forces now own Downtown Clearwater!” enthused Scientology Land Führer Hermann Eichmann. “We will next proceed to sweep Clearwater clean of all SP’s!”

Get the SP!

Oldsmobile-Vista-Cruiser-1964

Dad was driving the family’s Oldsmobile Vista-Cruiser when he spotted the SP in the crosswalk. Dad accelerated hard, and, with a hard-fixed Scientology glare, aimed the gleaming 5,000 pounds of Detroit steel at the SP. The pistons of the mighty 279 hp GM V8 pushed the car to 97mph. Vast Magellanic clouds were kicked up from the streets as the automobile became a machine of lethal Scientology justice.

“Get the SP Dad!” yelled OSA Cadet Jimmy, aged 7, in the backseat.

“Get the bastard!” shouted Mom from the front passenger seat.

The SP tried to flee the hurtling behemoth, but Dad maneuvered expertly on a set of sturdy Good Year radials he had purchased only the week before with his hefty IAS commission check.

The SP was hit hard and thrown 200 feet through the plate glass window of the Buick dealership on the corner of 4th Street and Insane. 86,000 different delusions went through the SP’s mind as he experienced permanent exteriorization.

******

“He’s dead Jim,” said Detective Wendy Delusion to her partner Detective Jim Bongo.

“Well he was an SP and so he had it coming to him. There’s no crime here,” replied Detective Bongo.

Jimmy was given a Jr. SP Hunters Detective’s badge. Dad was given an award by Mayor Cleveland Harrison III. Clearwater was safe once again.

RTC Secret Galactic Interplanetary Memorandum

Emperor Revoltingdrool of the Helotrobus Confederation aka David Miscavige

COB RTC David Miscavige — whose real galactic identity is Emperor Revoltingdrool of the Helotrobus Confederation — had promised the Marcabs a choice 1.4 acre site in Downtown Clearwater as a landing pad for Marcabian implanting ships. This land was the linchpin of a very secret RTC-Marcab exchange deal.

“The Marcabs need this land to build an enclosed shelter in which they can safely harvest the body parts of Scientology OT’s. The Marcabs desperately need BT-free OT body parts to fortify their DNA, weakened as it is by eons of Psych drugs,” declared RTC spokesthetan Ken Delusion.

“BT’s inherently crave Psych drugs,” explained Flag medical director Dr. Juan Diego San Kool de Menthol. “Therefore, the appeal of OT BT-Free DNA is that it can be transfused into Marcabs without any resultant cravings for more Psych drugs. Conversely, transfusing BT-laden wog DNA creates an even worse craving for Psych drugs.”

“In exchange for OT body parts,” Delusion commented, “the Marcabs had agreed to give Emperor Revoltingdrool their GEN 4 implanting equipment for exclusive use at Flag. This new GEN 4 implanting equipment can be used to raise donations to Scientology by 47,000%.”

“But then Emperor Revoltingdrool was betrayed by a Psych conspiracy between CMA and the City of Clearwater. The Marcabs are furious. They are demanding that Emperor Revoltingdrool ‘do whatever it takes’ to snatch back that parcel of land from the City of Clearwater.”

“Emperor Revoltingdrool is considering an ultimatum: If the City does not convey the land to the Church by 0700 hours this weekend, then Dianetiks Tanks Battalion #8 will once again be deployed in Clearwater to impose Emperor Revoltingdrool’s iron will upon the wog citizenry of the decadent kicked-in-head City of Clearwater!”

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David Miscavige Reacts to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium’s Refusal to sell Scientology the 1.4 Acre Parcel

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Scientology to Sue City of Clearwater for Eleventy Billion Dollars!

Clearwater.Land

The so-called “City of Clearwater” is a cynical wog legal fiction. Created and funded by Big Pharma only to torment, harass, and impede the progress of Scientology, Clearwater’s latest outrage occurred last evening when it’s Psych-infested city council voted 5-0 to purchase a 1.4 acre parcel of land for $4.5 million dollars. This was done for selfish motives and purely to piss off Scientology and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige.

Mr. Miscavige had generously offered the Aquarium $15 million for this worthless piece of dirt as part of his sweeping vision to create a 21st century Downtown Clearwater. But no, the fix was in: The wholetrack SP criminals at the Aquarium had engaged in a conspiracy with the City Council to deprive Scientology of this vitally needed piece of land. The Church of Scientology plans to sue the City of Clearwater for eleventy billion dollars. Our wog lawyers will allege that both Scientology and the citizens of Clearwater have been irreparably harmed.

COB had planned to build an Olympic-sized pool and stadium on the land. With seating for 50,000 people, the new Scientology Super Power Olympic Aquatic Center would have allowed Clearwater to bid for the 2024 Summer Olympics. However, the Psychs have now destroyed all hopes for the glory that could have been Downtown Clearwater:

Clearwater.Pool

The Scientology Super Power Olympic Aquatic Center will never be built in Clearwater thanks to the Psychs on the City Council. However, the IAS is fundraising to build this urgently needed aquatic facility in San Jacinto, California.

 

Scientology: The Real Story

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Scientology Media Productions today announced the production of its new series Scientology: The Real Story. “Season one will feature ten exciting episodes explained Sea Org Ensign Brenda Bahlbreaker, Commanding Officer of SMP.

“We have a dynamite line up of shows,” enthused Ensign Bahlbreaker.

1. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige: Humanitarian and global ecclesiastical leader guides Scientology into a new and unprecedented era of expansion.

2. The story of how Mr. Miscavige opened 17,712 new Ideal Orgs — and in the process how Scientology became the largest private bulk purchaser of carpeting and flooring in the world — is told. Far from being the “dramatizing interior decorator” his critics have falsely portrayed him as, Mr. Miscavige is instead shown as a man of impeccable tastes in interior design and architecture.

3. STAND: Scientologists taking a stand against discrimination. Squirrel Busting and OSAbot online trolling clarified, explained, and justified.

4. Fair Game? “No, it was cancelled in 1968,” explains Ken Delusion. “It was a bad policy written by our doddering old bumpkin of a Founder. Thank goodness David Miscavige was chosen to rise above Ron’s bank,” Delusion concludes.

5. David Miscavige and Tom Cruise Revitalize Downtown Clearwater. The dynamic Scientology duo cut the ribbon on a new Payless shoe store, the mighty anchor store in what will become 21st century Downtown Clearwater. Soon to follow are a new Der Wienerschnitzel, a Fotomat, and of course a new taco truck. Did we tell you that COB loves a good taco truck?

6. The new Theta Optical Store opens with a special 10% off on all eyeglasses for Scientologists. This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dwight and Debbie White explaining why, although thetans see through golden discs, eyeglasses are sometimes needed when the meat body eyeballs go out of present time.

7. ARC Hearing Aids store opens with a special 10% off on all hearing aids for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dennis and Brenda Caucasian explaining why, although thetans hear through platinum discs, hearing aids are sometimes needed when the meat body ears go out of
present time.

8. KRC Chiropractic opens with a special 10% off on all chiropractic adjustments for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Henry and Cheryl Paleface explaining why, although thetans can operate the body while exterior with full perceptions, most can’t do it as they are banky and so go Out Int. This necessitates the need for an adjustment. Henry Paleface also explains why chiropractic done the Scientology way can eliminate the need for wog medications, cancer treatment, and other expensive and unnecessary treatments for made up diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, asthma, leukemia, etc.

9. The new Eternity Bookstore store opens. Owner OT Rod Delusion explains why he only sells LRH fiction and the Basics and refuses to carry the filthy and degraded books written by wogs.

10. The season finale ends where it begins: With a celebration of COB RTC David Miscavige. To support COB, this final episode is a five day fundraising telethon and is mandatory watching for IAS members who wish to remain in good standing with the Church.

Church of Scientology Announces Tough New “Scientology Pre-Crime Thought Law” in Florida!

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“This latest Philboard wouldn’t have happened had the tough new ‘Scientology Pre-Crime Thought Law’ been in place,” explained Ken Delusion, VP of Media Relations for Scientology Media Productions of the Eastern United States Continent (which continent does not include Canada; Canada being a part of the Continent of New York).

“Under the new Scientology Pre-Crime Thought Law in Florida, it is a serious crime to have negative thoughts about Scientology, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige, Tom Cruise, Disconnection, etc.

“As a sovereign nation of thetans,” Delusion noted, “we as Scientologists must work to enact and enforce laws that prevent the corrosive exposure of our workable technologies, enthusiastically brutal fundraising, and the overall life of indentured servitude that we palm off on Scientologists as being states of Clear and OT.

“In happier news,” Delusion added, “Flag’s acclaimed R6 Bistro is now serving an ‘all you can eat’ buffet on Friday night graduations. Featuring meatloaf, cheeseburgers, pizza, macaroni and cheese, fried taters, OT pudding, and yes, Flag’s famous palmetto bug jello salad, the all you can eat buffet is a carb-laden feast designed to keep you sessionable and gaseous.”