The Freewinds is Wrinkled

It has come to our attention in RTC that The Freewinds has wrinkled hull plates. Fleet Admiral David Miscavige sharply has stated that these unsightly wrinkled hull plates make the ship look like  a Chinese scow used for smuggling child labor; not that this causes him any moral qualms of course. Rather, the ship has become an ugly old downstat in a Church that values youth and beauty:

Freewinds.2

Actual investigation has revealed that agents of Big Pharma are somehow  wrinkling the hull plates in the dark of night:

Freewinds.1

The wrinkles are simply horrible and downstat. Please donate hard cash to the  IAS today so we in RTC can have the ship dry cleaned or whatever it is they do to get rid of the wrinkles.

COB unpleasantly commented that The Freewinds has more wrinkles than Izzy Chait. We in RTC quite agree that the ship is an unsightly embarrassment to Scientology:

Freewinds.3

In impromptu remarks to we in RTC, COB tersely commented that, obviously, Freewinds Captain Mike Napier does not care about the wrinkled hull plates on his ship. If he had cared, Captain Mike would have used his Sea Org pay to have the hull plates straightened. But no, he spent that money ashore chasing wog females.

COB further stated that Captain Napier’s tone level of apathy concerning the wrinkled hull plates is probably due to the fact that Captain Mike, like The Freewinds, is getting very wrinkled and nearing the end of his useful service life:

capt.mike

If and when Fleet Admiral Miscavige replaces The Freewinds with a newer and better ship, he will also replace Captain Mike with someone younger and more handsome.

And no Captain Mike, we in RTC are not fooled: You can paint that sagging rust bucket you call your ship with a hundred coats of white paint, but it still looks like a heap of old iron. Fix the ship now or we will send you packing to the Scientology mission in Juarez, Mexico!

OSA will work on finding and capturing those responsible for hull plate wrinkling.  It is suspected that the Psychs may be doing things to The Freewinds because they are jealous of the $400,000 birthday party COB RTC David Miscavige threw for Tom Cruise on the ship a few years ago:

12 responses to “The Freewinds is Wrinkled

  1. glamourprofession

    Perhaps COB could contact his plastic surgeon (you know, the one who now travels on his increasingly economical Cessna Mustang along with his chiropractor, hair stylist and makeup artist) and get a recommendation for a marine plastic surgeon, who could burnish the wrinkles in the Freewinds. Or maybe the ship just needs an over large asthma inhaler much as COB frequently uses; some sort of steroid might help keep the wrinkles away.

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  2. FYI, there is Botox/Bondo hybred material available to solve this problem. It’s used quite extensively in Hollywood and comes in convenient five gallon buckets. The key to success is getting the right amount of polymer hardner in the mixture. When it’s done right, you have Tom Cruise, when it goes bad, you end up with Kirstie Alley. Another route would be to purchase a surplus Carnival Cruise ship. I believe there’s one available that’s already full of shit and would take no modification for Scientology’s use.

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    • Fleet Admiral David Miscavige likes to take a break from running the world and work on things. He likes the idea of bondoing the ship and might even take on the project himself.

      The only place he can really relax without having to be in front of the cameras is on The Freewinds when no public are around. Now that this Narconon mess is in full swing, the Fleet Admiral just might ditch his toup and kick back down in the islands on the ship.

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  3. Well said Ivan. The earth cannot abide another Kristie Alley, especially one that floats on the sea and craps everywhere. That’s a whale’s job.

    I recently had to fill out paperwork for a new car registration, I listed the primary color as Bondo.

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  4. It is well known that the “wrinkling” of the hull plates is the result of necessary procedures occurring during the rigorous and exacting fabrication and construction of the fabulous Freewinds. The only effect of the “wrinkles” is a cosmetic one that is “worn” with pride by The Sea Org Crew of The Freewinds. If you have any further concerns about this you may contact me:

    Press Contact: Karin Pouw
    Tel: (323) 960-3500
    eMail: MediaRelations(at)ChurchofScientology(dot)net

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  5. OT8, I liked your intro about the ridiculous nature of Scientology. Is it possible that the Founder meant it as a joke? Yeah, I know celebrities join the Church, but that’s just to get attention. I suspect that the OT IX materials (which Pat Broeker hid) will say “ignore OT 1-8! It was a joke!”

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  6. The wrinkles on The Freewinds are so downstat that they ruin our advertising! Just look at this disgusting ship:

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    • It is well known that the “wrinkling” of the hull plates is the result of necessary procedures occurring during the rigorous and exacting fabrication and construction of the fabulous Freewinds. The only effect of the “wrinkles” is a cosmetic one that is “worn” with pride by The Sea Org Crew of The Freewinds. If you have any further concerns about this you may contact me:

      Press Contact: Karin Pouw
      Tel: (323) 960-3500
      eMail: MediaRelations(at)ChurchofScientology(dot)net

      Like

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