COB RTC David Miscavige Attends Presidential Inaguration

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that COB RTC David Miscavige took time out from running the world’s fastest growing religion to attend the second inauguration of Wog president Brent Obama.

“COB considers it important in terms of Church PR for him to appear at important Wog functions to show just how much Scientology cares about all of the Wogs. Because Brent Obama is an important Wog politico, COB needs him as a comm line — particularly since Obama is Eric Holder’s senior and Holder is in charge of the FBI. Accordingly, COB was chauffeured the short distance from the Church’s Government Affairs building in  DuPont Circle to attend the inauguration,” explained spokesman Delusion.

“While en route to the wog inauguration ceremony,” Delusion continued, “COB signed 218 charters for new Ideal Orgs using his official RTC burlwood pen and the burlwood desk that Sea Org members installed COB’s armored limousine.”

A photo released by the Scientology One News Bureaux shows how COB elbowed his way in between the First Lady and her daughters in order to be seen more prominently in the photo of the swearing in ceremony. “COB will impinge like that when it comes to Church PR; he will body route both children and adults as needed,” remarked spokesman Delusion.


Spokesman Delusion summarized by way of concluding that, “COB RTC David Miscavige later regaled the President and the First Lady and their guests with his tales of how the Church of Scientology has expanded more in the past twelve months than its is previous fifty-one years, which is to say that stats are not only straight up and vertical, but that the Church itself is at risk of imploding like a black hole in deep space due to the immense gravity of its success and its breathtaking cash burn which is greater than any Third World country because, let’s face it, religion — or at least the way we do religion in the Church of Scientology –is an astonishingly expensive proposition.”

21 replies »

  1. I do not want to unnecessarily reveal any of the Church of Scientology secrets, however I am unable to keep this one from reaching the stunningly huge (and ever growing) worldwide audience of the Church of Scientology. Are you ready? David Miscaviage has announced (to a very select few OT 8’s, myself included) that he, the COB of the COS, in the year 2016, is not only running for the Presidency of the United States of America, but in fact, his 2016 inauguration for his Presidency, is all but assured.

    ‘Imagine a country without minorities, without queers and without human rights that we alone can provide’, he thundered to the wildly roaring hysterical applause of we the OT8’s of the Church of Scientology, Inc.

    Yes, you heard it hear first. David Miscaviage has announced that he will be the next President of the United States of America. On a more MESTY note it was mentioned that winning such a prestigious position will require money. The COB estimated he will need about 4 billion dollars (cash) from we, his followers, to accomplish this historic feat. To which we replied (in unison) Hip Hip Ho ray!!! (3 times).

    Life is good in Scientologyville. And it will be much better in 2016!

    Much love,
    (the other great OT8)



  2. “Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion”, If I had a dollar for every delusion I had, I have a lot of dollars. I suspect that by adding ‘Mr. President’ to “Fleet Enema Grand Admiral” Dave MIscavige will as his first Executive Order, make the civilian use of burlwood forbidden for all wogs.

    They can have my burlwood when they take it from my cold dead fingers.


  3. By any chance, did Fleet Admiral Miscavige remember to bring toilet paper for the Church of Scientology Government Affairs building? They have been on a one sheet ration protocol since mid December and could stand for re-supply.


    • COB RTC David Miscavige chartered a 747 to fly in 100,000 rolls of highly deluxe toilet paper manufactured in France so that Scientology’s Washington DC Ideal Org would be fully equipped to handle Inauguration Day bodily functions.

      Scented with the delicate perfume of lilac, this very upstat toilet paper enhances COB’s PR and that of the Church of Scientology. Priced at only $3000 per roll, it is an excellent use of parishioner funds.

      Of course, after Inauguration Day the DC Ideal Org will go back to Scientology St. Hill standards of handling sewage: http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?30033-Dirty-Cult

      COB does not himself use even highly deluxe toilet paper.

      Rather, he uses mink pelts.

      COB has Sea Org run a 500,000 square foot refrigerated indoor mink farm in Hemet so that his needs are supplied in this regard. Only the best for COB:


  4. Dear OTIIIisGrrr8!!!!,
    I need your assistance, greatly, please. Recently I overheard a conversation wherein the speaker actually said what I have written below. I was so shocked I immediately ran to my nearest ideal org to audit out what I had heard, but the ideal org (for reasons I am not advanced enough to understand, yet) was empty.

    Here is what that, that, that Suppressive Person (who probably kills & eats babies) actually said:

    QUOTE “In the United States of America the issue of Scientology is not about weirdness of belief, nor about the financial rape of its members. In the United States of America the issue of Scientology is all about the infiltration of the government (local, state and national), followed up with bribery and its not too distant cousin, blackmail. Which is precisely why the so called church of scientology has been able to continue to exist as a ‘non-profit’ organization, in the United States of America. (they have had at least one ex-IRS authority on their RTC (i.e. scientology) board of directors ever since the IRS colossal cave in, of 1993)

    (the bastard continued)….The biggest problem currently facing Scientology in the US is the fact that bribery and blackmail are only effective so long as the receiver (being bribed or blackmailed) is in a position of governmental power. And people get old. And lose elections. And lose appointments to positions of power. Thus their ‘servants’ are becoming fewer and fewer.

    Ditto with infiltration. To infiltrate a government agency requires a human being (a mole). And with Scientology’s United States of America membership falling faster than a 16 pound bowling ball in a 3″ puddle of water, the end game, as they say, is near (or ‘nigh’, in religious terms). END QUOTE

    So Dear Sir (OTIIIisGrrr8!!!), I am severely dismayed. What shall I do? The ideal org is empty and my bank account is likewise. Any advice you can provide me with would be an act of heroic theta, to me. As you know, I am committed (as are you) to salvaging this sector of this galaxy. And I keep my navy-uniform all pressed and clean.

    Much Love,


    • Horacio,

      In the future, we in RTC are ordering you to write up such things in a confidential KR. To post what you did publicly is forwarding enemy lines and that is a high crime. You’re lucky COB is in Washington DC managing the Presidential Inauguration with the same success he is managing the Church of Scientology. If COB had been here with us in the RTC section of the OSA office at the HGB, you probably would have been thrown headfirst out of the tenth floor window for forwarding enemy lines and Black PR.

      It is not true that the Ideal Orgs are empty or that Scientology membership is sinking faster than a 16 pound bowling ball in a 3″ puddle of water. Those are enemy lines.

      What likely happened is that you went into a Psych-run counterfeit Ideal Org.

      What OSA has discovered is that the Psychs are losing over five billion dollars per year because Scientology has made lobotomies and brainshocking ECT a thing of the past. Therefore, because millions of people are pouring into the Ideal Orgs everyday, the Psychs have set up counterfeit Ideal Orgs to lure in unsuspecting victims. Once in a fake Ideal Org, the Psychs set upon their victims, tie them up, and shove psych drugs down their throats to get them hooked. This is sort of like a Scientology Introspection Rundown except we use chloral hydrate and not Psych drugs you see.

      A Psych Making Psych Drugs!

      Image Credit: Tiago Hoisel, Sao Paul, Brazil


      • Dear OTVIIIisGrrr8!!!,

        I am so sorry for forwarding the enemy lines. I deserve to be punished. Ruthlessly. I did as you said and forwarded a Knowledge Report to the appropriate authorities, but I cannot in good conscious go unpunished for my aberrational behavior. I do not know why I forwarded the enemies line, but I seem to remember being in the womb and hearing dad tell mom: “forward the enemy lines’ (bitch) ‘forward the enemy lines”, as he was having sexual intercourse with mom. While she kept screaming, ‘yes!’ yes!’ yes!’ baby! do it!: do it! do it! And thus, I did. 50 years later.

        L. Ron Hubbard is God. Not a God. He is God.

        This morning I self audited myself (and my body thetans) and I had an incredible cognition. I DID GO INTO A PSYCH RUN COUNTERFEIT ORG!!!!! And I recall it perfectly now. Your OTVIII powers are stunning!

        I would like to turn myself into the RPF for rehabilitation (for a 10 year stint) and I would like to make a donation to the IAS of $ 12.00 (which is all I have left in my bank account).

        Thank you for your undying support and love. Scientology Rocks. And the RTC rocks even more (if that is even possible).

        Much Love,
        Horacio (the OT8)
        that is once again,
        a mere pc


      • Horacio,

        First, we in RTC ack you for having some great cogs. It is clear to us that you were PDH’d in the womb by your father.

        While it is laudable for you to turn yourself in and offer to report to the RPF, the fact is that the RPF is only for Sea Org members. Therefore, you must first join the Sea Org in order for us to RPF you. However, as you were PDH’d you are unfit to join the Sea Org.

        Why don’t we just take your last $12.00 and call it a day?


  5. It’s certainly fitting for COB to attend the inauguration. He was instrumental in saving American from the fiscal cliff, for which he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by his friend “Brent” Obama.

    However, I must confess surprise. As we all know, COB sets the standard of excellence in every area. While I am far from wanting to criticize COB, it seems as if he might have used this opportunity to demonstrate his superior grasp of cultural sensitivity by (1) fist-bumping the President, and (2) showing his knowledge of urban slang by working such au courant terms as “bling,” “gangsta,” and “hood” into the conversation.


    • If COB RTC decides to run for President — and he hasn’t and Horacio wouldn’t know as he is not RTC cleared and is merely a public OT who is the head of his local OT Committee whose stats have crashed — then invitations to the Inauguration will be predicated solely on IAS status.

      That is why it is so vitally important to increase your IAS Patron status today. Scientologist and New OT VII the Burger King just donated to become a Patron Green Dragon. You can read the Burger King’s story of how he became a Scientologist: https://otviiiisgrrr8.com/2012/10/21/st-hill-special-editon-news/


      • “invitations to the Inauguration will be predicated solely on IAS status”
        Well, there are only 12,000 in IAS now, and I expect it to drop to 6-7,000 by 2016. That makes for a small inaugural (one million people were there last Sunday)..


    • If COB RTC decides to run for President — and he hasn’t and Horacio wouldn’t know as he is not RTC cleared and is merely a public OT who is the head of his local OT Committee whose stats have crashed — then invitations to the Inauguration will be predicated solely on IAS status.

      That is why it is so vitally important to increase your IAS Patron status today. Scientologist and New OT VII the Burger King just donated to become an IAS Patron Green Dragon.

      The BurgerKing posted his dramatic account of how he became a Scientologist on this blog.


  6. Ahhh, poor COB, pasting on that brave smile! I am sure standing there between the president’s beautiful wife and his lovely daughters only reminded the COB of his own broken family and terrible loneliness in the wake of their abandonment. As nice as it is to walk the halls of power, I’m sure that COB would trade it all in the sweep of a needle for his own warm, happy family to smile up at him in admiration.

    OTVIII, please let COB know that I feel for him, and I admire his stoic courage in the face of such abject abandonment!


    • ChocolateVelvet, COB read your kind words and once again locked himself in his bedroom, but this time with a box of chocolates.

      COB is curled up on his heart-shaped bed eating chocolate and thinking of you, this while he listens to that music of his:


    • No Mark No! That is a real photo of Scientology leader David Miscavige standing next to the Obama’s! We in the Church of Scientology would never try to perpetrate a fraud of any kind.


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