The Burger King Becomes a Scientologist!

Over fifty thousand Scientologists gathered this weekend at St. Hill for the annual IAS convention.

The big news of the weekend at St. Hill was of course the announcement that the internationally famous Burger King had become a Scientologist thanks to the heroic dissemination efforts of New OT VIII Tom Cruise.

“I was at a very low point in my life, very caved in,” the Burger King said to the fifty thousand Scientologists in attendance. “Unit sales were way off and — as I later learned using the exact science of Scientology PTS/SP Tech — Ronald McDonald was the hidden SP secretly dead-agenting me on the internet. Don’t think I didn’t know about the jokes, and yes, they hurt.

“I started drinking and going down the dwindling spiral.

“I was in very bad case shape.

“And then Tom Cruise called me out of the blue to help. Tom just had the natural OT knowingness that I needed help and he reached out to help me. Acting in his capacity as a Scientology Volunteer Minister, Tom Cruise even came over to my house in Topanga Canyon where he performed a locational to get me back into Present Time. Tom also gave me a touch assist where I had been injured and wow! I as-ised it and the somatic blew!

“Tom then suggested I do the Purif and get some auditing. And, why, the next thing you know, I am at CC F/N’ing and having wins that I never dreamed possible. I now have certainty in life and know that I can make postulates that will stick! I am on services at Flag and am rocketing up my Bridge!”

In closing, the Burger King proclaimed to one and all, “Thank you COB!”

Scientologist and Burger King  speaks at the IAS Annual Convention in St. Hill

11 responses to “The Burger King Becomes a Scientologist!

  1. LMAO at the Burger King. That guy is so delightfully creepy. He clearly could use the help.

    OTVIII, I love your blog. You in the RTC have created a satire-gasm for sci-watchers!

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  2. I like the plate, can I get it in 3D or preferably 4D?

    Also, are you gonna free up some of your burlwood pen inventory at some point?

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  3. Using Charlie Sheen’s infamous “WINNING” seems appropriate here!

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  4. Sorry Burger King..you still suck ass. Mcdonalds is way better 🙂

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    • Thanks to the influence of the Burger King, Ronald McDonald has now been declared. No Scientologist is allowed to eat at McDonalds as they are an SP group. Besides, Burger King is much more upstat and is not staffed by db’s and psych patients.

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      • Yes, thank you Scientology_411. We in RTC have issued goldenrod on Ronald McDonald declaring him a Suppressive Person.

        All Scientologists are to disconnect from Ronald McDonald and may have no contact with him.

        No Scientologist may dine in any McDonald’s fast food restaurant or use the drive through window at any McDonald’s. This is a universal disconnection on all McDonald’s fast food restaurants and kiosks including those located inside of Wal-Mart stores, airports, etc.

        We in RTC warn Scientologists that they will lose their eternity if they eat even one Big Mac! Don’t risk your eternity! Use the internet to find a Burger King if you are starving or otherwise need to eat to be sessionable. Fast food restaurants are always clustered within walking distance of each other. No excuses will be accepted!

        All Scientologists are to send we in RTC KR’s detailing what they know about Ronald McDonald and his connections to Psychiatry, Big Pharma, Interpol, the Marcabs, and the Rockefeller-Nixon Illuminati.

        Ronald McDonald’s only terminal is the International Justice Chief. Should Ronald McDonald come to his senses and complete steps A-E, he may reapply for admission back into the Church.

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  5. Burger King and Scientology–they are both full of whoppers.

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  6. Mr. (averting my eyes, not looking at him) Cruise has finally gone OTVIII? Watch out Universe! I always thought there was something suppressive about Ronald M. So I wasn’t surprised to hear he got the goldenrod letter. I heard that Ronald M. fired Hamburglar when HE joined Scientology (he got pretty far up the Bridge, everyone said burglars were usually naturals). And then I heard that the reason you never hear from Hamburglar anymore is that he fell out of disfavor with COB and is in The Hole.

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