Lance Armstrong is Worse than Scientology!

We in the Church of Scientology are often attacked by Scientology haters who are full of hateful hate against our millions and millions of members and our hundreds of thousands of new Ideal Orgs.

Daily, and even hourly it seems, the Church of Scientology faces unfounded allegations that its leader COB RTC David Miscavige is a brutal, lying, greedy, and treacherous psychotic who is both vindictive and evil.

Daily, and even hourly it seems, the Church of Scientology is unfairly castigated as a greedy and paranoid Cult due to its fanatical devotion to Clearing the Planet; obliterating Psychiatry at any cost; and engaging end our endless smear campaigns and covert surveillance operations against everyone who even looks at us the wrong way. We are not a “turn the other cheek” religion you see.

The unfounded allegations are simply not true. The Church of Scientology and Mr. David Miscavige in fact are good. The Way to Happiness proves our goodness as does our new lower Bridge pricing structure that is coming soon.

Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today distributed an information kit to the thousands of members of the global media assembled outside of the Scientology One news offices in Los Angeles.  The “Lance Armstrong is Worse than Scientology” media kit included these facts:

Fact: Lance Armstrong admitted telling endless lies whereas we in the Church of Scientology have never admitted to lying about anything.

Fact: Lance Armstrong admitted to doping whereas we in the Church of Scientology have never admitted to using drugs in the Introspection Rundown or against our enemies.

Fact: Lance Armstrong admitted to letting down his children whereas we in the Church of Scientology have never admitted to letting down any young person in the Church. In fact, we in Scientology encourage our young people to skip a worthless wog education and instead begin working full time Clearing the Planet when they are seven or eight years old.

Fact: Lance Armstrong admitted to using blood transfusions whereas we in the Church of Scientology have never admitted to being vampires.

Lance Armstrong: Has admitted to lying.

The Church of Scientology: Has never admitted to lying.

Conclusion: Lance Armstrong is worse than the Church of Scientology. Of course, Mr. Armstrong can still clear his conscience by making a phenomenal and heroic commitment to the IAS, this in the form of the largest cash donation he can possibly make — and preferably as quickly as possible. We in RTC are sending IAS regges Mr. Armstrong’s way while he still has money.

According to COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige, Lance Armstrong should have gotten Scientology auditing in the first place!

So there!


9 replies »

  1. Perhaps COB should do an interview with O. She is at cause over the image of anyone she interviews. If you in the RTC got her stamp of approval, you’d have Oprah fans signing up in droves, and disseminating at bridal showers and piano recitals across America!

    That’s what you’d call pulling in a big win. If COB can’t get the job done, he should avail himself of someone who can…


    • Dear Chocolate Velvet, COB is too busy running the world’s fastest growing religion while simultaneously destroying Psychiatry while simultaneously auditing Society from three feet behind its head to do interviews with wog journalists.

      Granted, Oprah is a friendly wog inasmuch as she has never taken her soul mate John Travolta to task for his contradiction in being a homosexual Scientologist. She leaves that to we in the Church to handle using very expensive sec checks. Nor has Oprah been anything but friendly to OT Superman Tom Cruise, this despite the idiotic things Tom has done and said to harm the repute and standing of COB in high society.

      So tell us, Chocolate Velvet, just who do you recommend we in RTC send in to handle Oprah?

      One more thing: Yes we in RTC have heard it fifty billion times already that Tom Cruise jumped up and down like a monkey on Oprah’s couch, so that really doesn’t need to be mentioned here or we in RTC will scream at our underlings whereafter we will need to steal some Midol from a female Sea Org member for the headache we got from screaming at people.


      • I recommend you send the COB himself; who else!?

        Think about it, O is always courteous and accommodating. She is worth more than a billion dollars, like the COB, and so she understands the unique burdens of a “big being”. She would just give the COB a big ol’ hug and pat him on his little head.

        Then, perhaps she could orchestrate a reunion between COB and his estranged father and brother, and repair his relationship with his estranged wife. Dr Phil and that sassy Iyanla lady could come along, to spew folksy homilies, and go upside COB’s head if he disrespects the O.

        That’s great television, OTVIII! Any publicity is good publicity; it’s about time COB figures that out.


  2. Well OT8, you will be glad to know there is a sequel to “Going Clear”, involving celebrities who remain loyal to COB (even jumping on couches) so you won’t reveal their dark secrets. It’s called “Going Queer”.


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