Thanks to the Science of Scientology, you can now call the dead. This has been a problem in the past as the dead live in space far beyond the Van Allen Radiation Belt where phone signals can’t reach.

But the new Spirit Phones from Scientology now enable people to contact their deceased loved ones in the great beyond. For a flat fee of $5,000 a five minute phone call can be made. For information please contact the Van Allen Radiation Belt Org (VARBO) via telex to FSSO.

Calls longer than five minutes are not possible due to the collapse of the spacetime continuum. We in Scientology can only keep it open for five minutes. This is expected to change next year when OTX is released.