“How does this glorified stuntman Tom Cruise get such monster stats for his stupid new movie?” asked David Miscavige. “Look at these stats! The opening weekend of Mission Impossible — Fallout is on track to rake in $135,000,000 globally!

“Christ on an e-meter!” screamed Miscavige, “I spent $100,000,000 and four years building an entire Scientology TV network and only have 26,943 suckass followers on Twitter after four months to show for all my work! What the hell is wrong? Who is sabotaging Scientology? Who is the who?”

“Sir,” said Ken Delusion, “Our RTC investigation has shown that the culprits behind Scientology’s suckass ratings are Scientologists themselves. These CICS DB’s are all counter-intentioned to you! Scientologists themselves are the criminals! You singlehandedly built these ingrates a television network and yet these SP’s can’t even be bothered to watch it because they’re too busy watching the new Mission Impossible!”

“Then declare everyone in the entire Church of Scientology an SP except for you and me!” COB ordered Delusion.

“Even Tom Cruise?”

“Especially Tom Cruise! Declare him an SP first! Cruise has committed the biggest crime ever and that is daring to upstage me with his oh-so-fancy new movie! Cruise didn’t even offer me a part or shoot a few scenes at Ideal Orgs! Tom Cruise treats me like chopped liver!” screamed COB.

“All Tom Cruise cares about these days is entertaining wogs, going on talk shows, and making money! And after all I’ve done to make him the movie star he is! Where is the thanks I get? Where?”