Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Orders Scientology Security Forces to Stand Down in Clearwater

flag-threat-assessment

After an intense 48 hour manhunt and dragnet conducted by over 1,200 members of Scientology’s security forces, it has been determined that Tony Ortega was not in Clearwater. Nevertheless, the threat of his mere presence in Clearwater resulted in a DEFCON 5 red alert and the deployment of all available security forces. Following the stand down order, Scientologists may safely leave their panic rooms and return to their course rooms.

“Flag Land Base is safe once again thanks to valiant efforts Fleet Admiral David Miscavige to safeguard Scientology,” said Church spokesman Captain Ken Delusion, CO of the Parishioner Action Response Allied Network Operational International Agency (PARANOIA).

“PARANOIA is in constant action within Scientology,” emphasized Delusion. “It is a dangerous world out there and PARANOIA is, for the Scientologist, all that stands between danger and safety. For this reason, Scientologists must double and triple their IAS donations to keep Scientology’s PARANOIA fully funded. The OSA Staff at the Scientology PARANOIA control center tracks all SP’s 24/7/365 and is ready to launch a full scale response as happened over the weekend when a possible Ortega sighting was telephoned into the PARANOIA Crisis Center.”

6 responses to “Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Orders Scientology Security Forces to Stand Down in Clearwater

  1. Every Thursday morning I have Mike’s funnies to continue to astound me and for Thurs eve I see this wonderful piece. Glorious. That Tony another hero. Thank youπŸ’›

    Liked by 2 people

  2. In the future, 19 year old Philadelphia Phillies prospect Tony Ortega will order his coffee at Starbucks with a false name. It will be a long spring training in Clearwater as long as he’s there.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well for fuck sakes, those candy assed Clearwater Scientologists should just get their shit together and not worry whether or not ‘Terrible’ Tony Orlando shows up in America’s first Clear city. All three of us students at my Ideal Org have graduated from the GAT II PTS/SP Course and we can confront and shatter ANY suppression that comes our way, why can’t they? Maybe those panty waist dilettantes in Clearwater should head for cramming or do a retread or SOMETHING so that they can continue Clearing Clearwater and booming the already affluent planet wide stats. How in the hell are they going to get ethics in in their area if they spend so much time being victims of a two-bit Merchant of Chaos like Tony Orlando (AND Dawn!!!). And for that matter they shouldn’t be deterred by other petty SPs like Mike ‘Meanie’ Rinder, Jeffry ‘Awful’ Augustine, Chris ‘Cray Cray’ Shelton or Leah ‘Loser’ Remini. I say bring those degraded, disgusting, diabolical deadbeats on. We outer org folk would be more than willing to kick some SP ass and send them packing back to the fringes of the internet where they belong.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. PARANOIA is also protecting David Miscavige from the giant hedgehog that is looking for him!! [PS this is a monty python reference]

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wayne Borean aka The Mad Hatter

    Looks like the IAS (International Asshole Scientologists) needs to get their TRs in, and properly fund PARANOIA. Look at how few people are at their posts in the picture! Fleet Admiral Miscavige must be furious!

    Like

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