After an intense 48 hour manhunt and dragnet conducted by over 1,200 members of Scientology’s security forces, it has been determined that Tony Ortega was not in Clearwater. Nevertheless, the threat of his mere presence in Clearwater resulted in a DEFCON 5 red alert and the deployment of all available security forces. Following the stand down order, Scientologists may safely leave their panic rooms and return to their course rooms.
“Flag Land Base is safe once again thanks to valiant efforts Fleet Admiral David Miscavige to safeguard Scientology,” said Church spokesman Captain Ken Delusion, CO of the Parishioner Action Response Allied Network Operational International Agency (PARANOIA).
“PARANOIA is in constant action within Scientology,” emphasized Delusion. “It is a dangerous world out there and PARANOIA is, for the Scientologist, all that stands between danger and safety. For this reason, Scientologists must double and triple their IAS donations to keep Scientology’s PARANOIA fully funded. The OSA Staff at the Scientology PARANOIA control center tracks all SP’s 24/7/365 and is ready to launch a full scale response as happened over the weekend when a possible Ortega sighting was telephoned into the PARANOIA Crisis Center.”
Posted in OTVIIIisGrrr8!
Tagged Alex Gibney, church of scientology, Claire Headley, Crisis Center, David Miscavige, DEFCON, DEFCON ALERT, donate, donations, Flag Land Base, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige, IAS, International Association of Scientologists, Ken Delusion, Leah Remini, Marc Headley, Mike Rinder, Office of Special Affairs, OSA, Paranoia, parishioners, Scientology Paranoia, Tony Ortega
The Top Secret Scientology Galactic War Room
Speaking from deep within the Top Secret Scientology Galactic War Room in Trementina, New Mexico, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige today declared a Cosmic Emergency.
“The menace posed to Scientology organizations by Alex Gibney and HBO threatens every man, woman, and child on this planet,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“The Freedom Magazine hit piece on Gibney and HBO miserably failed to connect,” Delusion bitterly lamented. “So much for the rocket scientists at OSA thinking that hired wog tabloid writers could confront and shatter SP’s! None of those overpaid wog writers has even once bothered to get themselves sec checked let alone do the Super Power Rundown! They are so wog! ”
“Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s expertly crafted and expensive fusillade of full-page ads in the New York Times and Los Angeles Times also failed to bring Gibney and HBO to their knees. Worse, the criminal Joking & Degrading seen online today reached a crisis level as wogs engaged in uproarious laughter at the expense of the Church Scientology.”
“The fate of the planet is at stake; joking cannot be allowed,” Delusion gravely intoned. “Therefore, Fleet Admiral Miscavige has ordered the RTC A Team to bypass OSA and attempt to shame and humiliate Gibney and HBO when they land at the airport.”