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The death-like quietude of Downtown Clearwater was shattered yesterday afternoon when a Wholetrack SP Psych Implanter was spotted seated on a park bench in a community park owned by we in the Church of Scientology!
This posed an immediate dire and deadly threat to all Scientology organizations and Scientologists globally! All of the resources of the Federal, State, and Local law enforcement — and the National Guard and FEMA — were ordered by OSA to be directed to handle this situation now now now! The United Nations was ordered to get involved!
The 2001 restraining order on this SP was in the red volume and was, as always, on standby. The Clearwater police were summoned. There was great enturbulation inside all Scientology organizations globally. Emergency telexes were sent to COB RTC, CMO INT, WDC INT, OSA INT, CO FLB, and even the ship was notified just in case. The Class V Orgs and Missions were not notified as one never rewards a downstat.
As the air raid sirens sounded across Flag Land Base, all public Scientologists at Flag were ordered off course. All Sea Org were ordered off post. All Scientologists were evacuated into the giant basement of the Flag Building. As Scientologists donned their full body condoms and respirators, the five meter thick steel blast doors of the basement were slammed shut thereby safely entombing them. The emergency generators were started.
Surely Mark Bunker’s appearance in our park signaled the imminent Marcab Mass Landing! Given this very real threat of marauding Marcabs, Sara Heller of OSA couldn’t possibly step outside into the daylight to confront and shatter suppression. The situation was far too dangerous.
The threat eventually passed and the death-like quietude of Downtown Clearwater that we in Scientology have worked for decades to cultivate was eventually restored.
Should an event of this extraordinary threat and danger recur, Flag Land Base will once again sound the air raid sirens! We would rather have Scientologists incapable than dead.
“Make it stop!” screamed David Miscavige! “I can’t stand it!”
“Sir,” said Ken Delusion in his grimly dramatic manner, “the only thing the doctor can give you for this type of pain is another injection of more Vistaril. Would you like more?”
“Yes! More! Shove that goddamned needle in my ass until I pass out! I need more Vistaril to make the pain go away! The pain of that television show is even worse than the Helatrobus implant!”
There are covert operations being run on me by the troika and their financiers! I can tell because there were tire tracks on the road by the gas station that weren’t there last week! This happened because I wouldn’t take Leah’s blank check to be the star of her television show and write my own ticket! And I would’ve won the Emmy and not Leah! That Emmy was really mine but the troika made sure Leah won it and not me!
And Scientology is the cleanest organization in the entire USA. There is no abuse of any kind in Scientology. I know because I was IG/RTC and ran Fair Game programs for decades. There was never any abuse, intimidation, dirty trick, judge tampering, or spying under my watch. No sir! We never fucked people over, destroyed evidence, spied on people, or did anything bad.
Annie Tidman almost escaped until I caught her at the airport. She came back to three years of torture into the RPF until she was crushed. She later died a horrible death of lung cancer in captivity. But here’s the thing: I saved her from becoming part of the ASC!
Everything is perfect in Scientology. But one day I got on my motorcycle and blew. Actually, I went undercover to expose the ASC. I fooled everyone. And now I’m the only who can help. I’m the only one who can expose the ASC because I was it’s leader. The ASC has to be stopped because Scientology. That’s why. Scientology is not a cult. I know because I was in Scientology for a long time. The ASC is a cult. I know because David Miscavige tells me what to think and what to say. I was real bad off until COB helped me. Now I’m better.
I repeatedly transcended Scientology and have become an ascended spiritual master. Now if y’all excuse me I need to go back into my trance state. There is more to be channeled. Stay tuned!
The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?
We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:
1. We will raise all prices 4000%
2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.
3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.
4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.
6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.
7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.
8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.
9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.
10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of Scientology:
COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige never recovered from Scientology and the Aftermath. He quickly began to pack on weight during the second season. For dinner, COB would often eat 2-3 hams, an entire turkey, mashed potatoes and 3 chocolate cakes. His breakfast was a 12-egg cheese omelet with one dozen slices each of French toast, waffles, and pancakes to which he would add a mountain of bacon and sausage. Lunch was 23 cheeseburgers, onion rings, fries, and ten ice cream sundaes. Snacks were several bags of Doritos, pickled pigs feet, sweetbreads, gallons of Mountain Dew, and several dozen assorted donuts. And of course COB was always smoking Camel cigarettes.
COB developed odd affectations. He built a monocle with a long stem from black pipe cleaners. Although the monocle had no lens, COB would often close one eye and pretend to closely inspect objects with his monocle. Some of the objects he inspected did not exist and yet he claimed them to be invisible and that only he could see them. COB took to wearing a battered old top hat and great coat and wandering the streets. He wore a pocket watch and would often stop to check the time on Mars. He refused to bathe except on the second Tuesday of each month.
Local packs of wild dogs, for Downtown Clearwater had become a ghost town by this time, would nip and bite at his swollen ankles and distended belly. COB claimed to the remaining 200 Scientologists that the greatest time in Scientology’s history was soon to come when a new e-meter that was actually a time machine would take the entire Church of Scientology back to the time of George Washington. During his short walks on the beach at low tide the seagulls would peck at him. He would flail at them with his cane and claim they were Marcabs. Danny Sherman was COB’s constant and faithful companion and assured him this was all quite true.
“By actual survey, Scientology parishioners are asking the WHY for why Scientology Media Productions is not broadcasting,” said spokesman Ken Delusion. “More than a few Scientologists have noted that Leah Remini has been able to broadcast an entheta show week after week — and even win an Emmy — while SMP sits idly by and does nothing about it, this despite Scientology’s motto that ‘Something Can Be Done About It.'”
“The answer is that the CST Deep Space Antenna Array in New Mexico has not yet received signal from the Founder on Target Two authorizing SMP to begin broadcasting.”
“An obscure clause in the Founder’s last will and testament requires his direct permission by Telex radio communication from T2 before ‘any Scientology entity may broadcast tele-vision or radio waves containing copyrighted Scientology content into the public airwaves.'”
“T2 is many light years away. SMP expects to get operational authorization from T2 in about 25,000 years,” Delusion noted. “And when we get that authorization, the station is ready to flip a switch and begin broadcasting. Until then, there are COB events and LRH Congresses to listen to for the next 25,000 years.”
