Tag Archives: Leah Remini

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology:

 

The Aftermath of the Aftermath

DM.Old

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige never recovered from Scientology and the Aftermath. He quickly began to pack on weight during the second season. For dinner, COB would often eat 2-3 hams, an entire turkey, mashed potatoes and 3 chocolate cakes. His breakfast was a 12-egg cheese omelet with one dozen slices each of French toast, waffles, and pancakes to which he would add a mountain of bacon and sausage. Lunch was 23 cheeseburgers, onion rings, fries, and ten ice cream sundaes. Snacks were several bags of Doritos, pickled pigs feet, sweetbreads, gallons of Mountain Dew, and several dozen assorted donuts. And of course COB was always smoking Camel cigarettes.

COB developed odd affectations. He built a monocle with a long stem from black pipe cleaners. Although the monocle had no lens, COB would often close one eye and pretend to closely inspect objects with his monocle. Some of the objects he inspected did not exist and yet he claimed them to be invisible and that only he could see them. COB took to wearing a battered old top hat and great coat and wandering the streets. He wore a pocket watch and would often stop to check the time on Mars. He refused to bathe except on the second Tuesday of each month.

Local packs of wild dogs, for Downtown Clearwater had become a ghost town by this time, would nip and bite at his swollen ankles and distended belly. COB claimed to the remaining 200 Scientologists that the greatest time in Scientology’s history was soon to come when a new e-meter that was actually a time machine would take the entire Church of Scientology back to the time of George Washington. During his short walks on the beach at low tide the seagulls would peck at him. He would flail at them with his cane and claim they were Marcabs. Danny Sherman was COB’s constant and faithful companion and assured him this was all quite true.

Delusion Reveals the WHY for Why Scientology Media Productions Is Not Broadcasting

“By actual survey, Scientology parishioners are asking the WHY for why Scientology Media Productions is not broadcasting,” said spokesman Ken Delusion. “More than a few Scientologists have noted that Leah Remini has been able to broadcast an entheta show week after week — and even win an Emmy — while SMP sits idly by and does nothing about it, this despite Scientology’s motto that ‘Something Can Be Done About It.'”

“The answer is that the CST Deep Space Antenna Array in New Mexico has not yet received signal from the Founder on Target Two authorizing SMP to begin broadcasting.”

“An obscure clause in the Founder’s last will and testament requires his direct permission by Telex radio communication from T2 before ‘any Scientology entity may broadcast tele-vision or radio waves containing copyrighted Scientology content into the public airwaves.'”

“T2 is many light years away. SMP expects to get operational authorization from T2 in about 25,000 years,” Delusion noted. “And when we get that authorization, the station is ready to flip a switch and begin broadcasting. Until then, there are COB events and LRH Congresses to listen to for the next 25,000 years.”

Scientology OT7 Richard “Big Dick” Bongo warns SP’s to Shut the Hell Up!

Scientologist OT7 Richard “Big Dick” Bongo warns SP’s to shut the hell up and stop talking about Scientology and the Aftermath or he will make them shut up!

“I’m goddamn sick and tired of hearing about this show,” exclaimed Big Dick Bongo. “And yeah, I know the show won an Emmy but so what? Those faggots in Hollywood make an Emmy sound like it’s some kind of  big deal. Well it’s not! And for the record I’d rather have my e-meter than an Emmy!”

The Horror!

Having returned home unexpectedly early from a business trip, New OVIII Juanita Romero walked into her bedroom that night and caught her husband watching… Scientology and the Aftermath!

Church of Scientology Leader David Miscavige Made the Butt of Jokes!

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige was called the “big cheese” by the unfunny joker & degrader Conan O’Brien. Scientologists — both real and Stock Photo Scientologists — have protested to Conan O’Brien:

The Conan O’Brien Show
Burbank, CA 90068

Dear Mr. O’Brien,

I read the press today about your recent show with Leah Remini…Having watched the segment, I was especially disappointed by some of the gratuitous comments you made in interviewing Ms. Remini, notably a snarky reference to the Church’s leader as “the big cheese,” and questioning Ms. Remini on why the Church “is not suing” her… I found it personally offensive and I was embarrassed for you.

Thank you.

Catriona McKenzie
Ontario, Calif.

First, COB is neither big nor is he a cheese. COB is 5’1″(129.5 cm) and is made of substance that, while having the consistency of a warm and lumpy melted cheese on a hot summer day, smells far worse and is often found on the bottom of shoes.

Second, Catriona McKenzie is a stock photo Scientologist, i.e. she is not real and is rather a completely fake Scientologist used by STAND. But that’s not the point. The point is this: If Catriona McKenzie were a real Scientologist she would be outraged!

Third, we in the Church of Scientology have not sued Leah Remini because that would risk Mr. Miscavige being deposed in what would surely become a fishing trip into what critics have unfairly characterized as his “criminality, lies, perjury, and violence.” Simply put, Mr. Miscavige could never get a fair hearing in a wog court where savagely beating one’s acussers is not allowed as we understand the matter.

COB has been lampooned and parodied by many suppressive persons. Unfortunately, even in this age of cheap and unlimited bandwidth, bandwidth limitations prevent us from naming and shaming these millions of people who have chortled at COB and alleged that he is both a clownish incompetent buffoon and a violent self-aggrandizing narcissist.

Scientology on Lockdown as Hurricane Leah Approaches

 

Scientology is on lockdown as Hurricane Leah makes landfall tonight on A&E. Scientology and the Aftermath.